- Member Since 12th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen April 18th
JackAnarchy
I welcome all critiques and comments.
JackAnarchy
Joined 12th Jul, 2011 ·
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- JackAnarchy · 29k words · 34 5 · 1.3k views
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CONTINUE!
Need a little more background on all this. Where did the ponies come from? How did they play into the war? What the hell is with this registration act, which so darkly reflects the evil that was the Superhuman registration act? How do the other major Marvel and DC characters play into it? WILL they play into it?
It has an interesting start, though I have no idea who Johnny B is. (Though I have my suspicions and so help me God if it turns out that was Johnny Blaze I'm reporting you to the highest authority you lunatic.
) But all in all, looks like it could be good.
I'm honestly surprised this story hasn't been better received so far.
It truly is fantastic, and only gets better from here.
3970474 Oh you'll see as the story progresses. Just treat this like any alternate Marvel world
The Good:
It has an interesting premise and world. The fic starts off well and jumps right into the action, forcing us to hang on and hope that answers come. Its also very well written.
The Bad:
This is unnecessarily dark. The language, the level of violence, the setting, all seems to indicate that therer is nothing good here, and that's a little to dark. You need someone to come in and brighten things up. Comic relief, or a hero like Captain America, a hero that is downright heroic.
My Final Thought:
Not bad, but it needs work.
3972479 The 'dark' feeling is intentional. I'm kinda straying from the whole typical 'white knight' feel of both Marvel and DC while going for a whole Nolan/Vertigo/Watchmen feel. It'll be a few more episodes before you meet everyone but I'm glad you're liking it so far.
3972384
Actually, I think you said this was a Marvel/DC combined world. That would make it either Earth-7642 (from DC's version of the multiverse) or an unknown world from Marvel's multiverse. Nice.
3972599 Yup, this is a Marvel/DC combined world. I for one didn't know there was a multiverse earth by a number.
3973839
I suggest you check out the wikipedia articles on Multiverse (DC comics) and Multiverse (Marvel comics). The DC universe has a number for a combined Marvel/DC world, though that world was a pre-Crisis world, so it may no longer exist.
They also had a number for the Amalgam world, but that's a Marvel/DC combination of a different type.
Yes I'm a complete nerd. So sue me.
3973882 I hope that I could get this story to more Marvel X DC fans though. Oh well.
3973935
Don't be too worried. You probably will. The fic is still a relatively recent addition to the site, after all. It hasn't even been a full two months yet. You may find more people will discover it given half the chance.
3973935
This fic really deserves more attention.
Have you submitted to EqD yet?
3984868 Nope, but I should and I will
Man, this is.... fantastic! I'm pleasantly surprised. So, will we see any modern heroes or it gonna be everyone's grandparents?
3985037 Well, you're gonna have to find out for yourself
Don't wanna ruin it for you.
I'll just leave this here.
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/300226/here-to-tell-you-about-an-amazing-story
Hopefully that will help you get a bit more of the attention a story this good deserves.
Okay, comments:
I want to come right out and say that I like your writing style.
Like A LOT.
I found no real clear mistakes in the chapter, and I believe that that won't change upon further review and combing. The way you set up the world is a mite confusing, but it is explained at a good pace and is done right. I greatly enjoyed the dialogue and the characters, who seem well thought out and pieced together well, if not entirely sane (yes this is a good thing).
In short:
Freaking fantastic
It should be 'lead' there, not led.
Another fantastic chapter, looks like we'll either meet another character next chapter or have the meeting of the two. Judging from the description saying there are five unlikely heroes, I think it's the latter.
I'll say it now, I'm really loving these characters, and this story is so very well thought out and executed. I'll greatly enjoy seeing more of this in the future.
Keep it up!
4113859 Wow, thanks for the feature!
Looking forward to a working with you again! (which will be soon cause I have Episode 3 in the works)
4113950 Thanks
Actually, there'll be ten unlikely heroes but you'll meet them in time. Thanks for the review!
Ocalhoun sent me here.
He was right.
This story is wonderful.
4117840 Thanks!
Stay tuned for more.
Well, I have to say this is actually pretty good. Like I had told you before I don't much read humanized stories or anything like that, but...Yeah, I kinda enjoyed it. I honestly don't think I caught any errors although I was engrossed in the story so I kinda didn't notice.
Sweet Jesus, that was a good read!
I love the level of emotion the characters have, were I in Howard's shoes I'd damn well feel the same!
You have my attention, now let's hope nothing shiny comes along for it to play with
I LOVE the references in this chapter, I had so many fan-boy moments
I loved the chapter, and if my senses are tingling correctly I'm gonna love the next one even more...
4199056 Thanks
I'm a little through Episode 3. This guy's a little harder to write but I'll get it up soon.
Hey Jack, if this isn't a spoiler for some tragic back story where a pony saves Howard's life, can you tell me how Howard got modern opinions sixty years before everyone else? And if it is just because of a pony saving Howard's life or something like that, could you tell me how the rest of his friends got their modern views?
4832423 It will be a massive spoiler for Howard and the Renegades if I reveal it here. You'll find out as the story progresses
I'm going to reserve judgement on this, as how I feel about this largely depends on whether you have a good or bad background for the ponies. I'm currently on the fence because of how many people have out of place modern views, but it's still pretty well written.
4832528 Thanks for the comment. Just to point out, even Ghandi had a view which was considered 'modern' for his time and his struggle began back in 1893. Trying to spread the idea of equality in a country ruled by caste and apherthied was extremely radical but he found those who believed in him and in turn inspired a nation.
“A man can accomplish anything when he realizes he’s a part of something bigger. A team of people who share that conviction can change the world.”
4832604 Ghandi was one man who, without being convinced by others, felt that way. It appears like you'll have ten men like that, which is a 900% increase. I'll assume that some of them are more reluctant or subdued in their views, since if all the heroes are die hard pro-pony activists, at least at first, that'd be a mark against this. So let's say 500% increase. That's still pretty extreme.
And a big part of Ghandi's spiel was non-violence. There are at least two big characters here that are very violent in their views, and that makes them the unlikely combination of sociopathic and modern in their views, and I'm willing to bet at least a couple of the other ten champions would not be adverse to roughing up some anti-pony activists if given the chance.
4832762 Thanks for the overall input. I appreciate it.
Story: The Renegades
First Impressions
The Description:
"In a time where freedom is outlawed, outlaws will become heroes."
Eight years had passed since the end World War II and the rebirth of the United States of America. Though, even in the midst of a soaring economical boom, societal rifts between the humans and the ponies have progressively worsened after decades of combating racism and social inequality. 'Till one fateful day, it all came to a boil. Following a harrowing tragedy, and the immanent threat of an all–out war with Equestria, the U.S. Government passes the controversial Pony Registration Act, compelling every pony on American soil to be registered and interned. But in their darkest hour, ten unlikely heroes will rise to overthrow the system.
A Marvel x DC x MLP crossover.
An interesting hook, with only a very small number of problems. First, a spelling errors, immanent instead of imminent. However, this is overshadowed by the big question: How did Equestria meet earth? Was it always here, was it on another planet, or in another universe? It's need to know information. Also, the triple crossover makes me a bit wary. Doing even a standard crossover is difficult due to the number of characters, as each one needs some screen time and it becomes more difficult to keep track of them all, an even bigger problem for a large universe like DC or Marvel.
The Story
Chapter one: Title, "Episode one, the Prodigies."
First and foremost, this story needs a proof-reader to catch the grammar errors and hard to understand sentences. What's impressive is that this story can set the mood very well despite these shortcomings. There's at least one error every couple of paragraphs, but I still find myself reading avidly and wondering what happens next. The fight scene is well choreographed, although it could use some polish, and it does a good job of making you root for the right person, while giving some insight into the mindset of the gangmembers. It took halfway through the chapter to meet this "Howard Stark," a name instantly recognizable to anyone who has seen Captain America or Iron Man 2, which is a minor point of contention, but it flowed decently enough to get this a pass.
However, it still doesn't address the main question: How did Equestria end up in this universe? I'm still in the dark, and that's not a good thing.
Main thought: This story does not have to be a crossover. In fact, it doesn't have to be a fanfiction at all. If you did a bit of name switching, and replaced the ponies with some ethnic minority, it could stand on its own as a full novel, and ( here's the big one) having it as a fanfiction does not add to the story.
Conclusion: get a proofreader, do some name switches, remove the DC and Marvel crossover parts, add an explanation for why Equestria is on Earth, and proceed as before. It won't hurt the story, and will probably make it better since I can't see Howard Stark acting like a jerk and swearing so much.
As an alternative, swap the ponies for an ethnic minority, and send this story to an actual publisher. It has the potential to make it as an adult novel, and doesn't need a triple crossover to catch the readers attention.
Just acting like Equestria and Earth have always been together is confusing, at least to me. It doesn't have to be an exposition dump, as all that is needed is a time, and a place, each of which could be placed in a different sentence at a different point in the story.
Examples: "Those ponies have been nothing but trouble since they showed up a century ago," or, "Our boys in the field are gonna have it rough, Equestria's in the middle of the Himalayas," etc.
It could easily be worked into a conversation, and as it's kept short, it wouldn't be boring, just world building.
This story gets my like, and if it follows some of the above advice, it will get my favorite as well. Stop trying so hard to make it awesome, just let it flow.
5773636 I'd like to say thank you for taking the time to review my story. I appreciate it
I'd like to point out several things though, this is of course an Alternate Universe. I think it's because we've grown so accustomed to The Conversion Bureau stories and portals built between two separate worlds that it seems strange to consider the existence of a universe where Equestria and Earth are one in the same.
I personally like to imagine my universe to have both the humans and ponies coexisting since the beginning of time, both in turn became the dominant species on Earth. What the humans lacked in regards to flight, magic and strength, they made up in technology, innovation and even tenacity. We also get to see how society molds both humans and ponies. For example, ponies raised amongst humans tend to adapt their faiths, even their mannerisms and vice-versa.
Secondly, going back to how this is an alternate universe, Marvel and DC have plenty of alternate universes consisting of same characters but different personalities. Even movies like Captain America: The First Avenger, Iron Man etc. all relate to the Marvel Cineverse, even Christopher Nolan's Batman is called the Nolanverse. They stray from the linear storyline and eventually evolves into a separate universe altogether. Also consider WB's adaptation of Green Arrow and The Flash, even Fox's Gotham, all alternate universes that differed from the original canon.
In the Movieverse, Howard Stark is in his late 30s and an established millionaire. He's also a shameless womanizer, regressing alcoholic and pretty much a sniveling, narcissistic coward who cares only for himself. Not to mention, he came from poverty and built Stark Industries from the ground up.
In Renegadeverse, Howard Stark is in his early 20s with psychopathic tendencies and anger management issues, thus his brash, jerkish behavior and constant swearing. Being raised by a liberal, overly patriotic father, he believes strongly in equality for all. As to why, it'll be explained as the story progresses. Despite his clear hatred for them, the guy is pretty much a straight up greaser with the exception of being a true mechanical genius way beyond his time. You can tell by how eager he was to get into bloody brawls that he loves to fight and judging by how well he handles himself, he has a lot of experience in street fighting as opposed to canon Howard Stark. As to how and why, it will also be explained as the story progresses. Also as opposed to the cineverse, this Howard Stark was born into the renowned Stark Family, successful industrialists who made their millions providing all sorts of technology since the dawn of the industrial age thus making him the sole heir to Stark Industries. As he said – "My family's company."
The base idea of Renegades was to create a really dark superhero story without the 'super' element. Somewhat like an anti-Avengers made up of anti-heroes with their own dark interpretation of justice in a time where the world was governed by paranoia, prejudice and violence. I didn't start Renegades with Marvel, D.C and MLP as a hook, rather I'd wanted to explore a superheroverse where I could develop lesser known characters, specially origin characters like Howard Stark and Thomas Wayne. Thomas doesn't have much of a back story, only thing you know about him is that he's a millionaire doctor/philanthropist whose death inspired his only son to take up the mantle as Batman. But what if there was so much more to these characters? They're basically blank slates you can do whatever you want with them.
By the way, you made a very good point in having characters mention where the ponies came from. I'll do some edits in the past two episodes and my upcoming one.
Once again, thanks for your thorough review and I certainly hope you'd keep on reading as the story progresses.
5775083 Ah, so that's what you're doing. That makes sense.
...THAT LINE.... GOOD TIDINGS ARE COMING.
5980814 Tell me what you think about it when you're done.
Because of a few problems I had with the story, which I've detailed here, I'm rejecting this from submissions.
6056612 Thanks for the review. It's great to know some honest opinions from time to time.
"Johnny narrowed his gaze at the bald, drunken man by the kitchen counter, suckling on the half empty bottle of cheap bourbon like it was the sweet nipple of a two penny whore while he strutted around in his undergarments."
That is a lovely line.
Kudos on your story.
I do miss some background info that would allow me to understand this world a bit better.
What is Equestria in this world?
6118276 It's a Marvel / DC world where both humans and ponies have coexisted since the beginning of time. Unlike most comic book heroes, I chose to focus on their parents or lesser known Marvel / DC heroes and build them into my own original adaptation.
6118276 Oh, btw, in the Renegadeverse, Equestria I would say is a large land mass in the middle of the Pacific Ocean smack in between Asia and the Americas. The land is divided between the various races with Canterlot as the middle kingdom. That being said, not all of Equestria are willful parts of the Equestrian Union. Some of them rule independently and aren't too fond of the ponies. I'll leave those stories to be covered in the future seasons.
Grimdark, grimdark and more grimdark. Hell yes! Your writing style is superb. The characterization, the world building... I cannot wait to delve deeper into this universe you've created.
6448288 Glad you enjoy it
Though updates might be a little slow. Episodes are long and takes a fair amount of time to iron out. But don't worry, I haven't given up on this yet.
Nice story so far hope to see the next chapter soon
Kudos on the Amazing Spiderman and Finding Nemo references.
Just a tip, I noticed that you tend to have your characters use the same type of attack multiple times. Obviously, their fighting styles are your invention, but I felt that Parker's use of the roundhouse kick was a bit repetitive.
6861847 Not sure I did include a Finding Nemo reference
Might have to tell me where. Episode 3 is my experiment with fight scenes and I hope to improve the way I write fights in the episodes to come. And trust me, there'll be A LOT of fight scenes.
6862761
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1x9W70LJKVw
I'm not wrong...
6877063 Oh, I recall now!
Oh, God…”
“He can’t help you.”
Nice.