In a time without hope, without law, and without mercy, ten unlikely heroes found the courage to do what was right. A Marvel x DC x MLP/FIM crossover like never before.
It should be 'lead' there, not led. Another fantastic chapter, looks like we'll either meet another character next chapter or have the meeting of the two. Judging from the description saying there are five unlikely heroes, I think it's the latter. I'll say it now, I'm really loving these characters, and this story is so very well thought out and executed. I'll greatly enjoy seeing more of this in the future. Keep it up!
Well, I have to say this is actually pretty good. Like I had told you before I don't much read humanized stories or anything like that, but...Yeah, I kinda enjoyed it. I honestly don't think I caught any errors although I was engrossed in the story so I kinda didn't notice.
I LOVE the references in this chapter, I had so many fan-boy moments I loved the chapter, and if my senses are tingling correctly I'm gonna love the next one even more...
I'm going to reserve judgement on this, as how I feel about this largely depends on whether you have a good or bad background for the ponies. I'm currently on the fence because of how many people have out of place modern views, but it's still pretty well written.
4832528 Thanks for the comment. Just to point out, even Ghandi had a view which was considered 'modern' for his time and his struggle began back in 1893. Trying to spread the idea of equality in a country ruled by caste and apherthied was extremely radical but he found those who believed in him and in turn inspired a nation.
“A man can accomplish anything when he realizes he’s a part of something bigger. A team of people who share that conviction can change the world.”
4832604 Ghandi was one man who, without being convinced by others, felt that way. It appears like you'll have ten men like that, which is a 900% increase. I'll assume that some of them are more reluctant or subdued in their views, since if all the heroes are die hard pro-pony activists, at least at first, that'd be a mark against this. So let's say 500% increase. That's still pretty extreme.
And a big part of Ghandi's spiel was non-violence. There are at least two big characters here that are very violent in their views, and that makes them the unlikely combination of sociopathic and modern in their views, and I'm willing to bet at least a couple of the other ten champions would not be adverse to roughing up some anti-pony activists if given the chance.
The Description: "In a time where freedom is outlawed, outlaws will become heroes." Eight years had passed since the end World War II and the rebirth of the United States of America. Though, even in the midst of a soaring economical boom, societal rifts between the humans and the ponies have progressively worsened after decades of combating racism and social inequality. 'Till one fateful day, it all came to a boil. Following a harrowing tragedy, and the immanent threat of an all–out war with Equestria, the U.S. Government passes the controversial Pony Registration Act, compelling every pony on American soil to be registered and interned. But in their darkest hour, ten unlikely heroes will rise to overthrow the system. A Marvel x DC x MLP crossover.
An interesting hook, with only a very small number of problems. First, a spelling errors, immanent instead of imminent. However, this is overshadowed by the big question: How did Equestria meet earth? Was it always here, was it on another planet, or in another universe? It's need to know information. Also, the triple crossover makes me a bit wary. Doing even a standard crossover is difficult due to the number of characters, as each one needs some screen time and it becomes more difficult to keep track of them all, an even bigger problem for a large universe like DC or Marvel.
The Story
Chapter one: Title, "Episode one, the Prodigies."
First and foremost, this story needs a proof-reader to catch the grammar errors and hard to understand sentences. What's impressive is that this story can set the mood very well despite these shortcomings. There's at least one error every couple of paragraphs, but I still find myself reading avidly and wondering what happens next. The fight scene is well choreographed, although it could use some polish, and it does a good job of making you root for the right person, while giving some insight into the mindset of the gangmembers. It took halfway through the chapter to meet this "Howard Stark," a name instantly recognizable to anyone who has seen Captain America or Iron Man 2, which is a minor point of contention, but it flowed decently enough to get this a pass.
However, it still doesn't address the main question: How did Equestria end up in this universe? I'm still in the dark, and that's not a good thing. Main thought: This story does not have to be a crossover. In fact, it doesn't have to be a fanfiction at all. If you did a bit of name switching, and replaced the ponies with some ethnic minority, it could stand on its own as a full novel, and ( here's the big one) having it as a fanfiction does not add to the story.
Conclusion: get a proofreader, do some name switches, remove the DC and Marvel crossover parts, add an explanation for why Equestria is on Earth, and proceed as before. It won't hurt the story, and will probably make it better since I can't see Howard Stark acting like a jerk and swearing so much. As an alternative, swap the ponies for an ethnic minority, and send this story to an actual publisher. It has the potential to make it as an adult novel, and doesn't need a triple crossover to catch the readers attention.
Just acting like Equestria and Earth have always been together is confusing, at least to me. It doesn't have to be an exposition dump, as all that is needed is a time, and a place, each of which could be placed in a different sentence at a different point in the story.
Examples: "Those ponies have been nothing but trouble since they showed up a century ago," or, "Our boys in the field are gonna have it rough, Equestria's in the middle of the Himalayas," etc.
It could easily be worked into a conversation, and as it's kept short, it wouldn't be boring, just world building.
This story gets my like, and if it follows some of the above advice, it will get my favorite as well. Stop trying so hard to make it awesome, just let it flow.
5773636 I'd like to say thank you for taking the time to review my story. I appreciate it
I'd like to point out several things though, this is of course an Alternate Universe. I think it's because we've grown so accustomed to The Conversion Bureau stories and portals built between two separate worlds that it seems strange to consider the existence of a universe where Equestria and Earth are one in the same.
I personally like to imagine my universe to have both the humans and ponies coexisting since the beginning of time, both in turn became the dominant species on Earth. What the humans lacked in regards to flight, magic and strength, they made up in technology, innovation and even tenacity. We also get to see how society molds both humans and ponies. For example, ponies raised amongst humans tend to adapt their faiths, even their mannerisms and vice-versa.
Secondly, going back to how this is an alternate universe, Marvel and DC have plenty of alternate universes consisting of same characters but different personalities. Even movies like Captain America: The First Avenger, Iron Man etc. all relate to the Marvel Cineverse, even Christopher Nolan's Batman is called the Nolanverse. They stray from the linear storyline and eventually evolves into a separate universe altogether. Also consider WB's adaptation of Green Arrow and The Flash, even Fox's Gotham, all alternate universes that differed from the original canon.
In the Movieverse, Howard Stark is in his late 30s and an established millionaire. He's also a shameless womanizer, regressing alcoholic and pretty much a sniveling, narcissistic coward who cares only for himself. Not to mention, he came from poverty and built Stark Industries from the ground up.
In Renegadeverse, Howard Stark is in his early 20s with psychopathic tendencies and anger management issues, thus his brash, jerkish behavior and constant swearing. Being raised by a liberal, overly patriotic father, he believes strongly in equality for all. As to why, it'll be explained as the story progresses. Despite his clear hatred for them, the guy is pretty much a straight up greaser with the exception of being a true mechanical genius way beyond his time. You can tell by how eager he was to get into bloody brawls that he loves to fight and judging by how well he handles himself, he has a lot of experience in street fighting as opposed to canon Howard Stark. As to how and why, it will also be explained as the story progresses. Also as opposed to the cineverse, this Howard Stark was born into the renowned Stark Family, successful industrialists who made their millions providing all sorts of technology since the dawn of the industrial age thus making him the sole heir to Stark Industries. As he said – "My family's company."
The base idea of Renegades was to create a really dark superhero story without the 'super' element. Somewhat like an anti-Avengers made up of anti-heroes with their own dark interpretation of justice in a time where the world was governed by paranoia, prejudice and violence. I didn't start Renegades with Marvel, D.C and MLP as a hook, rather I'd wanted to explore a superheroverse where I could develop lesser known characters, specially origin characters like Howard Stark and Thomas Wayne. Thomas doesn't have much of a back story, only thing you know about him is that he's a millionaire doctor/philanthropist whose death inspired his only son to take up the mantle as Batman. But what if there was so much more to these characters? They're basically blank slates you can do whatever you want with them.
By the way, you made a very good point in having characters mention where the ponies came from. I'll do some edits in the past two episodes and my upcoming one.
Once again, thanks for your thorough review and I certainly hope you'd keep on reading as the story progresses.
I'll just leave this here.
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/300226/here-to-tell-you-about-an-amazing-story
Hopefully that will help you get a bit more of the attention a story this good deserves.
It should be 'lead' there, not led.
Another fantastic chapter, looks like we'll either meet another character next chapter or have the meeting of the two. Judging from the description saying there are five unlikely heroes, I think it's the latter.
I'll say it now, I'm really loving these characters, and this story is so very well thought out and executed. I'll greatly enjoy seeing more of this in the future.
Keep it up!
4113859 Wow, thanks for the feature! Looking forward to a working with you again! (which will be soon cause I have Episode 3 in the works)
4113950 Thanks Actually, there'll be ten unlikely heroes but you'll meet them in time. Thanks for the review!
Ocalhoun sent me here.
He was right.
This story is wonderful.
4117840 Thanks! Stay tuned for more.
Well, I have to say this is actually pretty good. Like I had told you before I don't much read humanized stories or anything like that, but...Yeah, I kinda enjoyed it. I honestly don't think I caught any errors although I was engrossed in the story so I kinda didn't notice.
I LOVE the references in this chapter, I had so many fan-boy moments
I loved the chapter, and if my senses are tingling correctly I'm gonna love the next one even more...
4199056 Thanks I'm a little through Episode 3. This guy's a little harder to write but I'll get it up soon.
4832423 It will be a massive spoiler for Howard and the Renegades if I reveal it here. You'll find out as the story progresses
I'm going to reserve judgement on this, as how I feel about this largely depends on whether you have a good or bad background for the ponies. I'm currently on the fence because of how many people have out of place modern views, but it's still pretty well written.
4832528 Thanks for the comment. Just to point out, even Ghandi had a view which was considered 'modern' for his time and his struggle began back in 1893. Trying to spread the idea of equality in a country ruled by caste and apherthied was extremely radical but he found those who believed in him and in turn inspired a nation.
“A man can accomplish anything when he realizes he’s a part of something bigger. A team of people who share that conviction can change the world.”
4832604 Ghandi was one man who, without being convinced by others, felt that way. It appears like you'll have ten men like that, which is a 900% increase. I'll assume that some of them are more reluctant or subdued in their views, since if all the heroes are die hard pro-pony activists, at least at first, that'd be a mark against this. So let's say 500% increase. That's still pretty extreme.
And a big part of Ghandi's spiel was non-violence. There are at least two big characters here that are very violent in their views, and that makes them the unlikely combination of sociopathic and modern in their views, and I'm willing to bet at least a couple of the other ten champions would not be adverse to roughing up some anti-pony activists if given the chance.
4832762 Thanks for the overall input. I appreciate it.
Story: The Renegades
First Impressions
The Description:
"In a time where freedom is outlawed, outlaws will become heroes."
Eight years had passed since the end World War II and the rebirth of the United States of America. Though, even in the midst of a soaring economical boom, societal rifts between the humans and the ponies have progressively worsened after decades of combating racism and social inequality. 'Till one fateful day, it all came to a boil. Following a harrowing tragedy, and the immanent threat of an all–out war with Equestria, the U.S. Government passes the controversial Pony Registration Act, compelling every pony on American soil to be registered and interned. But in their darkest hour, ten unlikely heroes will rise to overthrow the system.
A Marvel x DC x MLP crossover.
An interesting hook, with only a very small number of problems. First, a spelling errors, immanent instead of imminent. However, this is overshadowed by the big question: How did Equestria meet earth? Was it always here, was it on another planet, or in another universe? It's need to know information. Also, the triple crossover makes me a bit wary. Doing even a standard crossover is difficult due to the number of characters, as each one needs some screen time and it becomes more difficult to keep track of them all, an even bigger problem for a large universe like DC or Marvel.
The Story
Chapter one: Title, "Episode one, the Prodigies."
First and foremost, this story needs a proof-reader to catch the grammar errors and hard to understand sentences. What's impressive is that this story can set the mood very well despite these shortcomings. There's at least one error every couple of paragraphs, but I still find myself reading avidly and wondering what happens next. The fight scene is well choreographed, although it could use some polish, and it does a good job of making you root for the right person, while giving some insight into the mindset of the gangmembers. It took halfway through the chapter to meet this "Howard Stark," a name instantly recognizable to anyone who has seen Captain America or Iron Man 2, which is a minor point of contention, but it flowed decently enough to get this a pass.
However, it still doesn't address the main question: How did Equestria end up in this universe? I'm still in the dark, and that's not a good thing.
Main thought: This story does not have to be a crossover. In fact, it doesn't have to be a fanfiction at all. If you did a bit of name switching, and replaced the ponies with some ethnic minority, it could stand on its own as a full novel, and ( here's the big one) having it as a fanfiction does not add to the story.
Conclusion: get a proofreader, do some name switches, remove the DC and Marvel crossover parts, add an explanation for why Equestria is on Earth, and proceed as before. It won't hurt the story, and will probably make it better since I can't see Howard Stark acting like a jerk and swearing so much.
As an alternative, swap the ponies for an ethnic minority, and send this story to an actual publisher. It has the potential to make it as an adult novel, and doesn't need a triple crossover to catch the readers attention.
Just acting like Equestria and Earth have always been together is confusing, at least to me. It doesn't have to be an exposition dump, as all that is needed is a time, and a place, each of which could be placed in a different sentence at a different point in the story.
Examples: "Those ponies have been nothing but trouble since they showed up a century ago," or, "Our boys in the field are gonna have it rough, Equestria's in the middle of the Himalayas," etc.
It could easily be worked into a conversation, and as it's kept short, it wouldn't be boring, just world building.
This story gets my like, and if it follows some of the above advice, it will get my favorite as well. Stop trying so hard to make it awesome, just let it flow.
5773636 I'd like to say thank you for taking the time to review my story. I appreciate it
I'd like to point out several things though, this is of course an Alternate Universe. I think it's because we've grown so accustomed to The Conversion Bureau stories and portals built between two separate worlds that it seems strange to consider the existence of a universe where Equestria and Earth are one in the same.
I personally like to imagine my universe to have both the humans and ponies coexisting since the beginning of time, both in turn became the dominant species on Earth. What the humans lacked in regards to flight, magic and strength, they made up in technology, innovation and even tenacity. We also get to see how society molds both humans and ponies. For example, ponies raised amongst humans tend to adapt their faiths, even their mannerisms and vice-versa.
Secondly, going back to how this is an alternate universe, Marvel and DC have plenty of alternate universes consisting of same characters but different personalities. Even movies like Captain America: The First Avenger, Iron Man etc. all relate to the Marvel Cineverse, even Christopher Nolan's Batman is called the Nolanverse. They stray from the linear storyline and eventually evolves into a separate universe altogether. Also consider WB's adaptation of Green Arrow and The Flash, even Fox's Gotham, all alternate universes that differed from the original canon.
In the Movieverse, Howard Stark is in his late 30s and an established millionaire. He's also a shameless womanizer, regressing alcoholic and pretty much a sniveling, narcissistic coward who cares only for himself. Not to mention, he came from poverty and built Stark Industries from the ground up.
In Renegadeverse, Howard Stark is in his early 20s with psychopathic tendencies and anger management issues, thus his brash, jerkish behavior and constant swearing. Being raised by a liberal, overly patriotic father, he believes strongly in equality for all. As to why, it'll be explained as the story progresses. Despite his clear hatred for them, the guy is pretty much a straight up greaser with the exception of being a true mechanical genius way beyond his time. You can tell by how eager he was to get into bloody brawls that he loves to fight and judging by how well he handles himself, he has a lot of experience in street fighting as opposed to canon Howard Stark. As to how and why, it will also be explained as the story progresses. Also as opposed to the cineverse, this Howard Stark was born into the renowned Stark Family, successful industrialists who made their millions providing all sorts of technology since the dawn of the industrial age thus making him the sole heir to Stark Industries. As he said – "My family's company."
The base idea of Renegades was to create a really dark superhero story without the 'super' element. Somewhat like an anti-Avengers made up of anti-heroes with their own dark interpretation of justice in a time where the world was governed by paranoia, prejudice and violence. I didn't start Renegades with Marvel, D.C and MLP as a hook, rather I'd wanted to explore a superheroverse where I could develop lesser known characters, specially origin characters like Howard Stark and Thomas Wayne. Thomas doesn't have much of a back story, only thing you know about him is that he's a millionaire doctor/philanthropist whose death inspired his only son to take up the mantle as Batman. But what if there was so much more to these characters? They're basically blank slates you can do whatever you want with them.
By the way, you made a very good point in having characters mention where the ponies came from. I'll do some edits in the past two episodes and my upcoming one.
Once again, thanks for your thorough review and I certainly hope you'd keep on reading as the story progresses.
5775083 Ah, so that's what you're doing. That makes sense.