Rainbow Dash decides to revive an old pegasus tradition, but her friends aren't all exactly ready for it.
Note: contains AppleDashery and quite a bit of pastry.
cover art by The-Crusius
Pre-read by bookplayer
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 24th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 4th, 2023
Blagdaross
Just a guy who like ponies and words
Blagdaross
Joined 24th Jan, 2013 ·
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This did little more than irritate me. I see no excuse to all but pretend Spike doesn't exist while pretty much every other character is included. He would be a pretty big jerk if he didn't get involved in something so critical. Cadance even asked about the sixth Element Bearer, but didn't seem at all curious about her adopted brother.
Geez Cadence. That's reassuring.
2 views but 6 likes? What sorcery is this?
ok you got my attention, I can't wait to see where this goes
3161898 So my internet craps out, and I come back and...
DAMMIT I FORGOT SPIKE!
3161899>>3162239>>3162241 Answers in the next chapter, promise!
Everyponies reaction to this: cdn.alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/neutral-poker-face-l.png
3162319
Well sir, you certainly know how to write a cliffhanger. The title had my curiosity, but now you have my attention.
My reaction:
I'm really lucky to be reading this on my bed, otherwise I'll be on the floor laughting my self to tears... again!!!
I'm going to go with "What are hilariously ancient Pegasus Wedding Traditions that you should probably have known about ahead of time, Twilight", for five hundred bits. You should just be glad Rainbow didn't decide to go with "Consummating the union in front of the wedding guests", or "Raiding a Unicorn/Earth Pony village in order to seize prisoners, so you can sacrifice them upon the ritual mound. And then offer their still beating hearts to Celestia, to ensure she blesses the happy couple with long life and abundant fertility."
Ah, you went ahead and wrote it. Good, good!
So.. what is Spike doing during all this? And Twilight not know about ancient obscure pony traditions? Unpossible!
3161898>>3163007
NOBODY LOVES SPIKE
3164142 It's so sad, but so cute that you think so.
Really Cadence? You know what, screw it! I'm going to guess that's the tradition the description was talking about! Anyway...
3164668
oh calm down, I think that it is more than clear that I am kidding
Can't wait to see what the next step is.
Pleading? Ransom?
3163007 I bet Spike is helping Rainbow (or Fluttershy) with the foalnapped!
Hey there, saw your forum post, and decided to view your fic and fix it a bit. To me the above is a small info dump, and I'll explain why through this paragraph above.
1)
Well, then... you tell us she's getting married. To whom, when and where... we don't know. Makes it sound like you're just dumping some info to go on. Plus, the latter isn't necessary but can do as well. This sentence could be re-written as: "She smiled, knowing she would tie the knot with INSERT NAME three days later. Every pony she wanted would be there: her friends, Granny Smith, Applebloom, Big Mac, as well as all her relatives from Apploosa including the rarely-seen-in-public Apple Mac.
Edit: Realised why you left out who. At least mention 'getting married to one lucky pegasus' or something.
2)
[P.s. It's some of the baking'. and not 'some of the baking.'--- the punctuation sits outside the quotation marks.]
Now this isn't too bad. However, no bride would bake her own cake. It's understood that someone else would do so. But, if it's so necessary to show that AJ wanted to bake her own cake but Pinkie said NO!!!!, you needed to specify and emphasise that. Something like "She thought of the cake on the day itself, and how delicious it would be. It would be even more delicious if she had baked it herself, but Pinkie insisted. Furthermore, the Cakes offered to bake with Pinkie-- an offer she dared not refuse ever since she had tasted some of their amazing cranberry apple cakes.
3)
Tbh, I have no idea how the previous and this two sentences link. One moment you're talking about cake, the next the table and then the impressed. I see the connection, but you've got to flow. PLUS THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR INFO DUMPING PROPERLY.
E.g. "If she recalled correctly, Pinkie promised to bake her at least a thousand cupcakes in addition the cake. "That's about... well, y'all be pulling my hooves over here. That's about five tables high! Aunt and Uncle Orange sure be impressed! I'm impressed. It ain't no easy feat pulling off so many cupcakes." (Then talk about why it is important that her relatives be impressed. IF NOT, SCRAPE THAT. YOU DO NOT NEED MORE INFO THEN NECESSARY)
4)
Uh... listenin' to ... the farm? And why did she turn her head? Whut are yu tryin' to say here, ma boi? Better phrasing and pacing would be. "Applejack listened to the crickets chirp under the night sky and looked up. She glanced briefly across the near-starless sky, and noticed two white dots glittering in between the silhouettes of two hills. "Pa, Ma, wish y'all were here to see it. Well, in person at least. In my heart, you're always with me wherever I go."
Sighing, she turned her head and tried to smile. After all, she was going to tie the knot... (add onto previous point and continue).
Well, I'm dead tired. This is as much as I can help you. You may choose to fix it, you may not. Every writer writes differently, and even though you like it, others may not and vice versa. So REALLY , it's up to you. As you can see, info dumps are subtle, but the subtlest of info dumps are unseen. Also, slow the pace. What readers like is to feel the character. So give them feelings :3 Make AJ laugh, cry, punch a wall, stare at Fluttershy (YEAH NO) and stuff like that. It would make your story seem more believable and flow better.
3194676 Well, thank you for that! Actually, this wasn't the infodump I was worried about, but writing help is writing help...
I was taught that in American grammar (where I grew up and live) the punctuation is inside the quotation marks, because freedom. One of those weird pond differences.
As for the rest, thanks for the comments! I don't think I'll be making further changes (at some point you have to let the story go) but I'll keep your points in mind as I revise future chapters/ stories/ etc.
Sorry I didn't edit for you :P
I moved. But that's beside the point.
Great first chapter. Ending was humourous, in a way that seems like only you could manage. I give this story a hoofbump. Upwards, of course.
time for some CONTEXT
You know what they say,
"This will be fun to watch"
Also, I think I have the magic touch
...
...
...
...
i.qkme.me/3uxbco.jpg
Seriously. I don't know.
But it was pretty awesome. If really weird.
*Mental image of what Pinkie will be capable of after Carrot teaches her this*
Well, welcome to national Mardi Gras day.
3210571 You do indeed...
3210591 "weird but pretty awesome" is exactly what I was aiming for!
3210398 Some cultures, especially warlike ones, have a tradition of only allowing someone to marry a woman from their tribe/village/area/whatever if the potential paramour has the gumption to sneak in and carry them off. Often while fighting their way through the intended's family.
A long time ago this was a serious thing, where the man would kidnap a woman from a neighboring region. It might still be in some regions. That said, sometimes when those cultures become more civilized it becomes a ceremony. You have a mock battle, everyone pretends to be all shocked and shit and there's a big production of it.
Pegasi probably used to have a thing like that.
And now I'll actually read chapter 2.
3210679 that's basically the premise. I just hope I'm doing it justice.
I don't think giving Pinkie more abilities is a good idea, Mr Cake. She can't be trusted with such power.
3210679
Oh I was waiting for chapter 2
I was released about 20 minutes after I made that comment
MAGIC
3210693 I don't know if you're doing it justice or not, but so far it's pretty cockamamie. That's alright in my book :D
My thoughts exactly.
Oh YES!
This is hilarous!
And I liked the fact that you made Mr. Cake a veteran, even though he was a cook.
But no cook=no food.
No food=no army.
No army=fucked.
3210695 Still, he loves her, and wants her to succeed.
3210724
3210805 This is why I needed to edit the last chapter: nobody breaks the silence as well as Spike.
3210811 3210911 It just came to me
3210903
No idea. I googled "Mlp what did I read" and it came up.
So now Big Mac is gonna kidnap Rainbow?
I'm gonna admit, I did not see that one coming.
3210903
The dragon migration they are in the fake dragon body that would not fool anybody.
This is going to be GLORIOUS!!!
This is my newest favorite line in pony-fiction.
Remember: when you need to put buns in the oven, call Mr. Cake. He's the only one from the show to do so thus far. If he says he put 300 in the oven at once I am inclined to believe him. Especially if he did it for the sake of Equestria. If only all stallions could be so patriotic. Although it does bother me that he considers Pinkie a surrogate daughter and is still enlisting her help.
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/collab/src/131700422964.png
3211771 Big Mac is getting tired of Rainbow's s
t. 
3211792 You win a moustache, because that was bothering me too.
3211931
3211983 Well she lives in his house, and you can't spend that much time around Pinkie Pie without smiling.
3212363
Oh dear lord.
cdn.meme.li/instances/300x300/30138317.jpg
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! chapter 2!!!!!!
This is on! Go get her Mac!
Next chapter please!!
Straight, not strait. (Strait is a word too, but it doesn't mean what you want it to mean here.)
Also, Battle Baking. ^.^ I like.
Well damn, I'm having a sad now.
I like where this is going.
Uhh... Pronked? I've never heard that one before.
Epic speech. iLol'd.
3232867 I'm pretty sure 'pronked' is the technical term for how Pinkie moves around.
linky
3233280 Huh. Muy interasante. And now I know!
If you start this... and don't finish it... I will be severely disappointed.
3277906 It's in progress I swear! Just not as fast as I'd like...