• Member Since 26th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

CalmNQuiet


I try to tell the stories others tell better than me.

T
Source

The Equestrian Industrial Revolution is in full swing. Rainbow Dash returns to a drastically changed Ponyville and to Twilight Sparkle, her last friend in the city. She must rekindle the bonds of love and friendship before the winds of change render the Elements of Harmony irrelevant. Even in a world of steel, fire and glass, loyalty is needed more than ever.

Chapters (19)
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Comments ( 915 )

Keeping an eye on this one for sure.

Bookmarked. I'll read this when I have the time. :)

There is an exceptional amount of exceptional world building in this story. Good job.

that was really quite depressing:fluttershysad:. i'm at least happy the end suggests they reunite all of their friends and are happy again. but the rest gave me such feels. very good story! upped, faved, banana stickered!

ohmmm I knew this picture would cause some good fic to appear, nicely done

Sad, but sweet fic!
Reading this, I couldn't help to get that old Scorpions song stuck in my head.

This part seemed fitting in real well
"Walking down the street"
"Distant memories"
"Are buried in the past forever"
Although in this case, Rainbow was flying...

Very well done I do hope you expand more into this world love the Twidash here :ajsmug: so looking forward to moar or else :flutterrage: :rainbowlaugh:

Looks interesting. Will read.

I would love to see an expansion onto this. It's constructed beautifully and it ends on such a hopeful note to leave it where it is will drive me crazy. Really beautifully done, definitely going into my favorites if for nothing else than just the sheer amount of feels induced.

Very good, we need more :D

Wow. That was glorious. I'd love to see this lengthened, to see who would stay friends and who would move on.
I can connect with this. My best bro and I were apart for seven years, but it was like we never separated at all when we finally got back together. This leaves me wondering who would be like that for Rainbow and Twilight.

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the eighth.

Presentation

* When you only have one chapter in a complete story, it's good practice to call it something other than "Chapter 1."
* Hyphenation. When two words work together to describe a third, you need to put a hyphen (-) between them, unless the first ends in "ly" (i.e. it is an adverb).

smoke filled skies

*smoke-filled
* "it's" means "it is" or "it has" and should not be used for constructions like "its lustre," where you are indicating that something belongs to "it."
* If you're looking for the en dash character to use instead of those double-hyphens, here you go: – Create your own by holding down Alt, typing 0150 on the numpad, then releasing Alt.
* One regales ponies with tales; one does not regale tales to them.
* Use pony-specific terminology, because you're not writing about humans here. "showmanship" should be "showponyship"

Story

* The beginning strikes me as a little heavy-hoofed. You really lay the "smog is bad" thing on thick, and it gets a little annoying.
* It's clear that you've got a decent grip on mechanics and have put a lot of effort into this story, but something's missing. You spend a lot of the story telling us about how the characters are feeling instead of showing us how they act around each other and letting us infer their feelings from that, which greatly reduces this story's ability to engage and resonate with its readers. In other words, "show, don't tell." Have a look at these links.

Good day.

I knew it!
I seen that art picture before I just knew somebody in the comment section made a summary background about the picture. It was such a perfect way to start it but I wasn't sure if somebody would make one until YOU did now. :rainbowkiss:
More please~ :twilightsmile:

I'm going to agree with one of the above comments that the whole "Industry is teh BAD" thing is laid on pretty thick, and is really annoying.

And I'm also going to disagree with more than one of the above comments that says that this story needs a continuation: its more or less perfect as is.

To many good one-shots get ruined these days by continuing past their point. This story and what it sets out to do is more or less complete.

Overall, I liked it. It gave me a nice amount of feels. Good job.

very nice/ this was great! I truly with this one would keep going with more chapters.

Honestly, this set up would have worked better in a total alternate-universe. I have a very hard time believing the incredibly rapid pace of modernization presented here, especially given the low population density of Equestria and the fact that there is no pressing need for most of the technology. The human Industrial Revolution took QUITE a long time to come about! Decades alone to develop steam engines and industrialize existing cities.

The entire replacement of Ponyville by such a modern city is very unlikely in the space of a mere 5 years. That is a level of construction such that we haven't seen until the mid-20th century. Even in the 1940's, it would take a city quite some time to develop to such a degree of industrialization. The infrastructure alone required to support such a city would take nearly a decade to fully implement.

And then the sudden explosion of technology. What was the driving force behind this modernization? Ponies rarely travel much, why the sudden need for supersonic aircraft? Given the low population and the use of magic for many needs, I can only fathom a huge surge in warfare as a stimulus strong enough to trigger such a rush to modernize. But even then, how did they come upon all the scientific and technological discoveries needed in such a short time? The mention of supersonic aircraft alone raises a huge number of technological difficulties. Such craft took humans nearly 40 years to start building and perfecting after the first powered airplane flew at Kitty Hawk in 1903, and much of that development was due to WWII (the Germans developed the first practical jet plane)

Given that the primary purpose of this story is a relationship between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, the industrialized setting is uneccesarily overcomplicated. It seems wedged in for the sole purpose of narrating a personal dislike of industrialization rather than having an organic relationship to the central plot. The story would have worked out quite well if the two had merely drifted apart after Dash joined the Wonderbolts. Twilight could have become the head of the School for Gifted Unicorns or taken a head research position somewhere and allowed the entire story remain firmly within the canonical Equestria without the need for such drastic and inexplicable societal-industrial changes.

As I said, these rapid changes are not impossible, but given how drastic they are, some explanation MUST be included or it opens too many questions and pollutes the remainder of the story, especially given the fact that so much attention is given at the beginning to the industrialization and yet it bears little relevance to the central focus of the relationship between the two ponies. Either a war/invasion drove prgress forward at a frantic pace, or re-set this story in an alternate Equestria where rapid population booms had been driving science and technology for several decades, culminating in a full-blown industrial revolution.

I always pay a great deal of attention to the logical composition and progression of a story's world building. :twilightsmile:

1309032
You forgot to take into to account the slight, stupidity of ponies when compared to humans. But still good argument.

A truly magnificent piece that I enjoyed reading. I'm surprised stories like "Fluttershy and the Wild Stallion" make features, but carefully constructed works of art like this don't. Honestly sir, you are saluted.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/19/aF7q_5plf06OeDQCRwWHfQ2.gif

edit: And then you get featured.... Nice...

Will read, but can't right now. BUT I WILL DO IT!

Wow nice cover art

Looking forward to more

Dang man... you got a real good piece of world building here!

I heavily enjoyed it. TwiDash is one of my favorite pairings and the emotion of the final scene got me right in the 'awww'.

I for one would love to see more of this world! :yay:

This is complete? Noooo! MEWANTS MOAR!

1308238 Thanks Jyki. You've always been a great source of inspiration. :twilightsmile:
1308329>>1308359>>1308457>>1309332 Thank you all for your kind comments of support. I never expected this. Have a heart! :heart:
1308593>>1308807>>1308871>>1308956>>1311252>>1311324 So I wasn't sure if there would be interest in this world, but since all of you have expressed so much enthusiasm to it I'll start exploring a few of the ideas I have for the expansion of this world. Here's hoping for the best! :scootangel:
1308893 Thank you very much for your comments. I'm making a lot of effort to improve my writing style, I think the best way is for me to just write more. I'll keep working hard!
1309032 You've put a lot of thought into this, thanks so much. It's a lot of food for thought. I had considered some of these points but not all of them. It's definitely something I'll be toying around with in my head. Yay. :yay:
1308457>>1308904>>1311141 The awesome coverart was made by SpyroConspirator. I haven't stopped thanking him for letting me use his art. The coverart is sourced appropriately so check him out!

If I forgot to respond to your comment please accept my deepest apologies! It's a lot of comments and I appreciate every single one of them. :twilightsmile:

ANOTHER ROMANCE.... CELESTIA DAMNIT! I was hoping to read... I bet it's good.

1311499

Of course i would be interested in that idea of an alternate Equestria like that. Big fan of steampunk and age of industry, :pinkiehappy: I think it could be as big Fallout Equestria or close to it, especially if you flesh it out like you did in your story. I look forward to seeing what you bring. :twilightsheepish: :twilightsmile:

I knew it. It's always the one's I notice on the front page... Good job

Wow after I read ut... I was moved. I felt the pain and lose so closely... :pinkiesad2:

You must give us more of this! :heart:

faved, thumbs upped, and watched. this was amazing. my favorite 5,000 ish short story by far. please i would love to hear more. not to demand it, just it would be totally awesome if there was more.

On my player durring the darker emotive parts twards the end;
[youtube=20IZn5_0sgs]

Haven't read yet, but this sounds way too much like Fable 3 to be a coincidence. Am i wrong? The cover art and the description seem so clear, but i just have to be sure.

There should be more. This is too good to leave like this, because it feels totally unfinished.

An excellent story. I for one was very pleased to read this story... it was interesting to see how the world changed with the rise of technology. On a side note, I'm not so sure the Wonderbolts would fade away simply because I feel like while we can always watch machines race it's far more interesting, at least I think so, to watch people race and compete. Of course I can see Dash losing her love of the racing because of the machines that clog her air.

1311611
It isn't really a romance. More like two very close friends finally seeing each other in a very long time.
I don't even know why the romance tag is there. The parts that explain the past, hardly even suggest anything was going on. unless I'm missing something
But none the less. The story is really well written, so don't let a possibly misplaced tag scare you off.

As much world building as you put in this, there's no way you can leave it a one-shot! I simply won't let you!

Winds of Change? Hehe. Sounds like something that would come out of my arsehole.

Good story. I really got nothing else.

Steampunk.
Twidash.
Fairly well-written.
More from this universe please?

Well I feel a little like I've just been stabbed in the gut. That was lovely, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

I liked this a lot. I would like to see more to this story as other people have said. However I do think Nyronus has a point, so don't stretch it further than it should. But I do think this could go a few more chapters without disgracing itself! Perhaps just see from the others' point of view how everything has changed.

Ah now this is a good read so far its got got a good feel to it and has nice connection with the characters seems a bit early to give it a ponyfic critic rating but it has to be done

Rating: Its the Perfect Fic

Im the ponyfic critic, and i read it so you dont have to :twilightsmile:

I was intrigued by the way you conveyed the changing world and how the ponies reacted to it. I'm surprised how many people seem to dislike the acrid atmosphere you have developed especially considering that the industrial era was really just a bad time period. All thoughts of hygiene and general cleanliness went up in smoke with all the smog of the new industry making the air difficult to breath. At least that's how I've always learned it in my history classes. Taking characters who had grown up in a world that was colorful and vibrant and throwing them into a world that is as bleak and dull as the industrial era, it's a fascinating combination and leaves a lot of room for emotional turmoil and interesting character development.

The only reason I suggested an expansion is because I read your blog where you said if there was interest you would want to, so I wanted to show that I would support if you wanted to expand, don't want to feel like I'm forcing you into writing more than you feel like.

Also I feel I should point out the mere fact you are actually going through and answering every single comment is a feat in itself that is worthy of all my respect. You're pretty awesome man.

Looking forward to whatever you write.

Can I stab that secretary? :pinkiecrazy:

1309032 Pegasi can control clouds and earth ponies can grow rocks, you'd think they could do something about the smog.

1309032
I think the point was to empathize the changes twilight was willing to endure and by extension, the changes friendships could endure. He needed to almost alienate twilight from the town as she watched it fade into steel and ash. I also believe that it was simply 5 years since she left and that they had gone on for a while together and developed a little closer relationship (light twidash shipping was hinted at pretty strongly) as the seeds of change were being sown.

I definitely agree that the speed at which technological advancements progressed was unprecedented even under the most ideal of occasions, the demand for materials of higher grade must have skyrocketed and been consumed faster than older methods could produce. Perhaps instead of war, an event that would radically increase the population tenfold forcing travel to less populated areas, increased demand for food, shelter, jobs, and luxuries, and sudden political fluctuations as radical groups gain enough members to gain more power. An explanation is that these technologies may have been readily available but expensive and not worth the effort it would take to replace traditional methods. When that technology was finally needed enough to make it worthwhile, it was quickly adopted and mass produced to keep up with the strained supply and demand. With the country scrambling to maintain stability, morals are thrown aside in favor of better dividends and survivability. frivolities and celebrations are faded out and functional, calculated plans for survival and maximizing profits replace them. A nation gives up it's culture so that it's descendants might have a spitball's chance in hell at having a decent life in a working country instead of a burnt out shell with to few resources to sustain itself.

1312927
Shame on you!
Love and tolerance brony! Love and tolerance!

1312720
+1

Wow. Just... Wow.

You've done a brilliant transformation of Ponyville from a small town to an industrial wasteland. I am envious.

That being said, do you mind if I use elements of this story in a future story I may write?

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