• Member Since 16th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

redandready45


Urban Planner, TV Tropes contributer, and writer on the side.

E

First Story. Inspired by but hopefully different than My Little Dashie. New York City, 1988. Dennis Sadnik seems to have it all: wife, three kids, and nice house in Queens. But his life has changed, and not for the better, and steps into the street to vent. But his life takes an unusual turn when he encounters a young brown filly on the street. Unable to fund its owner or give it away, he is inspired to move with his family to his wife's family's farmhouse in Upstate New York. He finds the change to be beneficial. 11 years later, he find himself all alone. His wife dead, his kids off to college or abroad, all alone with his pony Crystal , and decides to turn his mostly empty farmhouse into a bed and breakfast for tourists.

In the summer of 99', two college girls come to his house, wanting to enjoy the town of Saratoga Springs, they say. They act strangely, he observes. But he'll soon learn there is more to these girls, and his own little pony than meet the eye.

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 32 )

Basically want I to do with my story is this;

1) I want to show how a man can realistically love a pony
2)How a stubborn boy can also come to love a pony.

In the story, one of the ponies has be turned into a regular pony in our world. But I ain't gonna tell you who, yet.

Great story you made me cry that was really un expected to me

3117869
Thanks, your the first person to comment on my story. I wanted to write a story that brought out your emotions and made you laugh. You did laugh did you?

Alright, you wanted my honest opinion of your story, so here we go. I'll start with some negatives (bear with me here, this might sting a little...)

To begin with, your editing could use some work. That's not to say it's bad, it's certainly better than most, but there are moments where your story is a chore to read, mostly due to what I call "litter", otherwise known as words that are just junk and escaped notice in the initial editing phase. This is bad, as they can turn a well-written piece of dialogue into the next best thing to gibberish.

Second, your technical first chapter (the one after the prologue), towards the end it suffers from extreme inconsistency. Is his daughter's name Sarah or Lindsay though if I'm not mistaken, the latter is the mother's name. You see how confused I am?

Still with me? Because now we're going to talk about the good stuff.

The plotline of your story is cohesive. You have no idea how big of a thing that is, to be able to follow a story's plot despite having to sift through numerous grammatical errors.

Next, it's interesting and relatable, not only with the initial setting, but with the inclusion of real-world issues that many people today face (A CEO that you just want to strangle, hormonal teenagers, etc.). It adds a level of immersion that draws the reader in and makes them want to know more.

Anyway, there you go, I hope that answered your question.

Oh, and as for likes/dislikes, I shall leave that undetermined... for now.

3162296
I appreciate the advice. Thank you very much. I will work on my editing, and I was glad I was able to create a story with issues that people can relate to.

Alright, I know that it's well past it's due time, but I finished it. A while ago to be honest, I just forgot to post the comment. I can predict that the scanner owners and FBI will start to go after BonBon and Lyra. I think that Dennis will stick up for them. As far as the new neighbor goes, I can't say for sure. I have a small feeling that he'll be pretty important to either the solution, or later on in the story. :pinkiecrazy::rainbowdetermined2::twilightsheepish::twilightsmile:

My heart melted.. I cried, laughed... and thought... you fullfilled your goals, I love ponies as much as my life blood duel monsters I know that may seem childish... but lyra heartstrings makes me wish to trust humanity once more

The poem made me cry... the feels are so...:applecry:
I am shedding manly tears:fluttercry:
I said manly!:raritycry:
S..shut up...

My inner lyra is off clopping
( lyra: so what? I... yesssssssshhhhh.... )
Clean that up
( n...so warm in the tub.... gonna... bubbles )
Well... looks like somepony is in need of tickling:yay:

Laughter... I should take lyra heartstrings to a movie some time

Comment posted by redandready45 deleted Jan 25th, 2014

3840416
Lyra wasn't even in this chapter. So why would you comment on her in this part of the story.

3849940 no, i mean that when bonbon is at work and i'm working, i take care of lyra during this time... she came back through a digital portal... i beleive i put it in a story of mine... so she mostly just sneaks into bathrooms and tell me how i should be less critical of humanity:ajbemused:
and she apparantly sneaks into my bed at night and sleeps on my back... which causes back aches for me... and a stomach bug...
i can't remember why i put up with her
(LYRA: because i'm fuzzy and warm and one of your favorite ponies)
Well, i would take ditzy instead
(LYRA: i will tickle you)
You don't have fingers
(LYRA:... A MARE CAN DREAM CAN'T SHE?!?!?!)

3854736
You're weird. But at least you like the story. It's good to have a fan.

3856262
thank you! most call me crazy but that is only because most are crazy and my sanity appears to them as insanity, and most shy away from stories that have a sad undertone to write, but it is nice to know the pony on earth but not like the mane 6 but a background pony or gen 1 pony hasn't been ruined by being overdone

3880598
you like my portrayal of the two.

3880843 yes, that is the shortened version

This is very interesting, and good. I enjoy the plot of the story and would like to find out who "crystal" really is.

4066888
I thank thee for thy support!

Too many humans. Poot more ponies here!

4229421
I wanted to write this story, because I felt most PoE stories focus very little on the humans. I am trying to observe how Mr. Sadnik's life will be changed by the pony he currently owns.

Excellent story! I was sad, laughing, smiling and... cried. Man, I was CRIED!
Realy good and interesting story! I had a great time reading this book! Thank you very much, redandready45!
...
But. What about the continuation of the story? In the last chapter you said:
"Author's Notes:

There is a part 2 coming, so stay tuned."
, and the last time it was updated in 2014... Maybe it's time to remember about this story and continue it (hoping that you will do it in the nearest future!😏)? Because it is realy awesome!

9330544
Truth was, I wasn't getting the attention I wanted from it, so I kind of drifted away from it.

I am glad you like what I wrote, but I am working on another story. Maybe I might return to this one someday, but it is not going to be where my focus lies.

Comment posted by Pony Friend deleted Dec 6th, 2018
Login or register to comment