Nature Of The Everfree

by Lord Despair

Trust part 2 unedited

Beast and pony alike laid on the hard ground still and surrounded by red rolling mist as their friends and beloved companions danced with one another, fang and claw digging deeply into golden armor with the kind of ease of cutting though paper. Arrows and magical spells flew overhead slaying the weaker of the Beasts while only annoying those with thicker hinds and made of firmer stuff, yet even then the ponies did manage to hold an battle line in the loosest of terms and by that in the simplest of terms they were completely overrun. More pony that beast laid dead and those that held on were slowly cut off from the rest of the herd, Timberwolves on the flanks and Manticores forming the center leaving the other parts of the battle line relatively free for more of the exotic of Everfree monsters which was led no other then the great bear Cratus to play with undoubtedly became lunch.

"Where ye girlies!" sang the bear crushing pony guards underfoot " Ah ain't gonna hurt ya much now! Just leave me yer pretty 'eads!" then the bear felt an annoying poke at his rear, turning his massive head he saw a pony in purple armor whose blue mane was more red then blue thanks to the red mist. "Who are yer suppose to be eh?"

"Are you Cratus" growled the pony with his horn glowing pink with magic.

"Aye that is me name" growled the bear.

"I am Captain Shining Armor of Equestria-

Seeing that this pony wasn't one of the girlies, the great bear simply flicks the pony away with single finger, sending the captain head first into one of the now burning tents and the bear starts singing again " Oh girlies where can you be!

In seeing how quickly their captain was bested, many of the surviving guards gave into panic and fled into the surrounding forest where many more beast waited for them, screams filled the air as the those guards found the very hungry mouths. This is the sight that so lovely met the eyes of the two sisterly Alicorns, most of their guards dead or being eaten alive, much of the camp in flames and the source of their ponderings sang openly enjoying the bloody slaughter.

The bear was as great and massive as the Elements had said he was yet there was one thing odd about the so called king of the forest, something familiar about him but that the same terrified them to the core. Turning his head towards the frighten Alicorns, he gave them an smirk and wink as he popped an screaming mare into his mouth, the two sisters quickly shielded their eyes from the sight. Hearing him swallow the mare was something nightmares yet before this horrific event was done the Elements scampered out from one of the burning tents with an unconsciousness Shining armor in toll. At this the great bear smiled darkly, finally he had found his prizes.

With an great leap, one that another creature of his size shouldn't be able to do even in their prime, the bear loomed over the group of friends whom scooted to an stop to avoid his massive paws which cut them off from the panicking herd. Chuckling darkly the bear sang "
Found ya girlies"

Then he slowly starts to close to gap between his paws, causing for the mares to scream while trying to buck at the bears fingers but alas it only annoyed him and caused close the gap a bit faster.

"Please stop mister Cratus!" cried Fluttershy hoping to find something in the great bear that was like in the bears she played with for years " you don't want to do this!" Rainbow Dash and Applejack bucked at the closing paws as hard their little legs could yet couldn't stop the closing.

"SHY!" went the rainbow mare " what are you doing! help not talk!"

Ignoring the rainbow and apple ones the bear smiles at the shy animal lover "Oh but I do", " no hard feelings girlie but I do what I must to protect my home"

"But-but" went the pale yellow mare.

"As I s- RAAAAAAA

An lavender bolt of magic from Twilight hits the great bear in the eye causing him to cradle his face to ease the pain, seeing their chance they quickly galloped away and just as quick they met up with the two sisters. Celestia cast a shield over them and held Twilight tightly and Luna took the limp Captain Armor from the Elements and placed with in her back. The other mare smiled knowing that for the moment they were safe behind the solar matriarch's magics yet it was not a time to celebrate their blessings for to their horror, all the royal guard were now dead and the beasts had them all surrounded, each looking between hunger as if they haven't eaten for days despite the meal they just had and pure hatred for all things pony. If the shield should fail...

"Princesses!" the mares "what are we go to do??

Before the sisters could answer them, another voice rose from the bestial horde.

"Die that's what yer gonna do" growled Cratus lumbering though his horde of fellow Everfree monsters, there's was not even an mark on his eye where Twilight's magic hit. " There's no brave and foolish guards to save ya this time girlies... what's ya smiling at?"

An sudden flash of light filled the ruins of the camp effectively blinding the horde for an moment yet as quickly as it came it faded leaving the spot where his prizes coward empty. The great bear seeing that his prey had escaped him again he let loose an rumbling roar, one the shook that whole of the forest.

"I HATE MAGIC!!!

Author's Note:

Poor Cratus... he only wanted a pot of honey

Comments

[Mr Dorito]

Oh good, I thought you've forgotten about this fic.

I hope my idea for this fic is still in consideration.

[Lord Despair]

8060434 haven't forgotten just busy working

[PurpleAcid]

YAY IT HAS BEEN UPDATED

[jackfangs3]

: yay: but this kind of short chapter

[Dragon Blaze-X]

effen mages when you spent the last 100lv making yourself a flesh tank with a railgun shot gun that has a range of 20 feet but kills everything

[Ahuras Wrath]

Eh... while this story does do a good job of showing the pony mindset, it does have a number of problems. First off is the punctuation. Although it's mostly confined to the earlier chapters, I often see a lack of a comma where there should be one. Take this sentence:

“Please, follow me. We can talk while we reach the logging site” said Twilight as she motioned for Zecora to follow her.

Since the spoken dialogue is followed by the phrase "said Twilight", then the dialogue should have a comma at the end. Like so:

“Please, follow me. We can talk while we reach the logging site,” said Twilight as she motioned for Zecora to follow her.

In general, when dealing with "'something, something' person said" or "'something, something' said person", if you would normally use a period at the end of a sentence, then you should use a comma.

My second point it about the tone. Generally, one should be very careful when using the dark tag. I myself would avoid going over the level of darkness they we saw in G1. Take this part:

Some of the ponies that suddenly became pegasi found themselves impaled by sharpen tree branches far from the ground while other were trapped in the mud, their hooves sinking in it's greedy grasp.

While I have no problem with showing the guardsponies drowning in the much, the bit about them being impaled by spear seems a bit much. In contrast, lets look at the following paragraph from An It Harm None:

The small rider spun its polearm and knocked the bear’s staff up several degrees, and the lightning sailed harmlessly over Twilight’s head. The polearm continued to spin and—with an elegant economy of motion—struck the bear squarely under the chin. The bear’s body disintegrated—unraveled—from the head down, reduced to a shower of little wet blobs. A cascade of frogs and toads scattered over half the clearing and began hopping away, filling the night air with a chorus of peeps and croaks. Except for the staff and a few bits of tattered cloth, there was nothing left of the bear.

While the bear is definitely dead, there's no blood or gore, and in my opinion it works better.

This brings me to the character of Cratus. While it's his job to defend the forest, he appears more interested in the destruction of the ponies rather then simply content to drive them off. As a result, he seems unnecessarily brutal and even a bit sadistic, which may turn the reader's sympathies against him, perhaps even to the point of rooting for his demise. I would recommend rewriting the scene, and perhaps adding a bit where he tells them, "Do you wish to live? Then leave my forest!" and points to several guards who have lost their nerve and are fleeing, saying that while they may be cowards, they're smart enough to know when they're outmatched, so they get to live.

As for Twilight, well while I would expect this behavior from season one or two Twilight, seeing it from her post ascension just seems off. By the events of "The Crystal Empire", she seems more collected, even during the crises.

[Lord Despair]

8103047 this is early season two.

[Ahuras Wrath]

8103279 My apologies for taking so long to get back to you, I've had a pretty crazy week. Um, the first chapter refers to Twilight as Princess Twilight Sparkle, which puts it during season four or later.

[Lord Despair]

8120624 oh I must of overlooked that.. somehow

[Phantom Night]

Please continue this
I usually dislike bitter and sad fics, but this one has been genuinely good

[Lord Despair]

8314827 Thank you

[Lord Despair]

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/755095/stories-important-news

[qazse]

I really hope this story doesn't die.