Chapter 6
Chapter 6
With smoldering debris still raining around her, and a storm of emotion raging through her body, Twilight raced to the fallen mare, finding her slumped down in the shallow pool of water that formed the base of one of Celestia's prized fountains that were the centerpieces of the grand room's decor. On instinct, the jumped into the pool, the water rising only just past her hooves.
Leaning down on her haunches to look Rainbow over, Twilight cringed in shock as her eyes surveyed the pegasus. The tips of her mane were singed, her normally bright coat matted and smeared with a combination of sweat, heat, and the charred remains of the amplifier. Though she had no obvious broken bones or wings, Twilight could already see a multitude of bruises and cuts on just about every inch of the mare, due mostly to her nearly suicidal run at the now disintegrated Changeling Queen.
She's alive. Thank Celestia, she's alive. But, is Rainbow still here?
Cupping her hooves underneath the mare's chin, Twilight lifted Rainbow's head, bringing it level to her own.
Her violet eyes, stained red with tears of worry and happiness all at once, gazed directly into two bright magenta eyes, any hint of the green that had possessed them now gone. Waving a hoof in front of the pegasus, Twilight called out to the pony that she desperately hoped was still in there.
"Rainbow? Are you there? Can you hear me? It's me...Twilight. Please, if you're there, say something....anything at all!"
Her words were met with silence, the magenta eyes showing no sign of movement, or recognition. A tide of failure washed over the unicorn, breaking any shreds of emotional control that she had left.
"Rainbow, no! You can't leave like this!". She was nearly yelling at the still listless mare, grabbing her blue muzzle in her hooves. "You saved my life, but how can I live knowing that you traded your life for mine?! Knowing that every time I see you, I'll see a pony that was Rainbow Dash -- the Element of Loyalty, the fastest flier in Equestria, a future Wonderbolt! My friend...a friend that loved me!"
Bitter tears of regret streamed down Twilight's face as she sobbed into the mare's blue coat. "You said we would come home together, and I can't leave without taking you with me. I won't leave - not until I find a way to bring Rainbow Dash back.
Leaning further into the pegasus, Twilight wrapped her forelegs around Rainbow, her hooves meeting each other as they slid underneath the mare's wings. Lifting the wings a bit to tighten her grip on her seemingly lost friend, Twilight felt something splash in the water next to her. Blinking hot tears from her eyes, she turned her head to see what had made the noise, expecting it to be yet another piece of debris.
Her eyes were transfixed by the small green orb that laid in the water next to Rainbow, its surface unscarred by the destruction that had nearly consumed the entire room. Recognizing it immediately, Twilight's heart nearly jumped through her chest as she regarded the glowing orb that contained everything that her friend was. And will be again, she said to herself.
Scrambling to her hooves, she gripped the orb in a gentle cocoon of magic, hovering it near her as she struggled to pull the limp pegasus into something resembling a sitting position. Satisfied that the mare would at least not topple over again, Twilight mirrored the motion, sitting within reaching distance of the pegasus. Grabbing the orb again from behind her, Twilight brought it to rest halfway between the two ponies, levitating it just above their heads.
The importance of what she was about to attempt, and the consequences of failure, hit Twilight like a brick. Her research had uncovered references to memory repair spells, some papers even suggesting the possibility of complete replacement in extreme situations. But, none of them had accounted for a pony's identity being trapped in a glowing orb either.
Breathing as sharply as her lungs would allow, Twilight tried to fight a growing sense of doubt that threatened to overtake her at a moment's notice. then, as if on cue, Rainbow's words spoke out to her again: The Elements are all inside of each of us. That goes for you too, Twi.
Twilight closed her eyes, willing her mind to replay the same memories of her friends that she chose to look at in what should have been her final moments of life. Letting them wash over her mind, she lit her horn, the magenta glow slowly building from the base towards the tip. Despite her mental and physical exhaustion, the Elements buoyed her inner self, giving the unicorn the necessary strength to continue building the spell. The magenta wave spiraled to the tip of her horn, the glow of a single concentrated point of magic coalescing at the tip.
sharpening her focus, she reached out with a small tendril of magic, gently reaching out to the green orb hovering in front of her. Taking another deep breath, she pushed the magical beam the last inch forward, making contact with the glowing orb.
There was no way that she could have anticipated what happened next.
Her mind was flooded with a rush of memories, as Rainbow Dash's very existence poured itself out to the unicorn's mind. Images of ponies, places, and events whirled by Twilight, running her mind through the full spectrum of emotion. The joys of flight camp and junior speedsters. Pure elation at performing a sonic rainboom and earning her cutie mark. Crushing heartbreak as her mother left her in the hooves of an abusive father. Anger and regret for not doing more to protect a certain yellow mare in Flight School. Confusion and boredom as she settled in Ponyville.
Then, she saw a memory that she recognized -- the speeding pegasus running headlong into an impatient unicorn, knocking both of them into a puddle of mud. Then, everything changed. Gone were the regret, the boredom, the simmering anger. All that was present in Rainbow's inner self was a sense of joy, of optimism, of contentment.
Twilight began to watch the events of the past two years unfold again, only this time through a pair of magenta eyes. From the battles with Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Chrysalis, through the Young Flyers' Competition and Hearth's Warming Eves, to hours upon hours of reading, flight research at the hands of a certain unicorn, and dozens of milkshakes. Rainbow's mind had recorded it all, each memory with a singular focus - Twilight.
What began as a sense of duty to protect the mare quickly morphed into something much more, much deeper. Now, Rainbow was doing things for Twilight out of want, rather than duty. Then out of a pure need to simply be around her.
Oh stars, she was falling head over hoof for me all this time? And I never so much as noticed a thing?! She must think I'm terrible.
Finally, Rainbow's memory caught up to the last few days, and to their argument in the library. She saw the frustrated look on her own face, cringing a bit as she saw how harsh her attitude was toward the pegasus. Then, the pair of magenta eyes turned to face the bedroom window, but what she heard next was missing from her own recollections: " I-it wasn't about the milkshakes, Twi...I mean, I could totally see that... that they were happy together...”
A pang of rejection hit Rainbow's mind as she absorbed Twilight's response: "Rainbow, I'm sorry. I don't know how you got the idea that Rosetta and Daring love each other—let alone the fact that they are both homosexual—but it just isn't there.”
Her now dejected eyes looked down at a crack in the floor, following it until it stopped at the tip of Twilight's hooves. Refusing to look up, lest the unicorn see the tears forming at the edge of her eyes, she whispered, “But... but it has to be...Daring... Daring totally loves her...”
Daring totally loves her. Or, rather, Rainbow totally loves me. Oh Celestia, she really does love me. Rainbow didn't nearly kill herself protecting me because she had to. She did it out of love -- for me.
That final thought ripped open a part of Twilight that she had long repressed. A wave of pent up emotion, of longing for somepony to call her own, not just a friend, ripped through her body, sending her heart into overdrive.
Opening her eyes, she locked her stare directly at Rainbow, the mixture of green and magenta colors reflecting off of her eyes as the thrum of magic surrounding the green orb steadily increased in intensity. Above her, the magenta tendril of magic sharpened into a solid line as it emerged from the other side of the orb, slowly crossing the gap towards the top of Rainbow's head.
Twilight broke her gaze from the pegasus for a moment to observe the tendril closing the last few inches of empty space. Despite sitting in a pool of cold water, a feeling of pure warmth crept into her body, and a smile of pure joy crept across her mouth.
All this time, I thought my friends were enough. And they are, but deep down, I wanted more than friendship. That special pony was right next to me for months, and I never noticed it. Yet, she never gave up, never moved on, never lost hope that she could somehow make the impossible happen. Just like Dari--
Oh, Celestia, she really is Daring, isn't she? How could she not be? And how could Rosetta not love a pony like Daring? How could I not love a pony like Rainbow?
"I can't. I am in love with Rainbow Dash".
Twilight closed her eyes and leaned forward, her lips meeting Rainbow's at the same time that the magenta beam of magic made contact with the mare's forehead, completing the connection between both ponies.
Years of pent up emotion forced their way through Twilight's lips, trying to draw every last moment from the tentative kiss. A burst of magic rose from Twilight's horn, surging into the green orb, spinning it faster and faster until it became a green blur suspended in the air.
She held the kiss for a few seconds, then broke away into the strongest embrace that she could give, holding onto the pegasus for dear life. Burying her muzzle in chromatic mane, she prayed to Celestia that the spell would work. Then, in a final act before completing the spell, she whispered words that mere days ago had been the furthest thing from her mind.
"I love you, Rainbow Dash".
Commanding a final wave of magic from within her, Twilight sent an even bigger surge of energy into the orb, breaking the first part of the connection between herself and the orb. For two beats of her heart, she stared at the orb, her eyes imploring it to give her friend, her love, back to her.
A crack of energy shook the fountain as the orb gave up its closely held contents, sending its own surge of power down the last half of the connection. A green and magenta glow enveloped the pegasus as the whole of Rainbow Dash rushed down the magical line, refilling mind, body, and soul. Slowly, the orb emptied its secrets back to their owner, dissipating into the ether as it did so.
When the last of the aura had faded away, Twilight opened her eyes, still holding on to Rainbow as tightly as she could. forcing herself to lean back, she brought her face back in line with the pegasus, one hoof still touching the mare's right shoulder.
"Rainbow? Are you there?"
With a series of slow flutters, cyan eyelids opened to reveal two brilliant magenta eyes, this time with the warmth of life burning behind them.
"Twilight? What happened? Where am I?"
Almost at a loss for words, Twilight could only mumble a completely obvious question. "What's the last thing you remember?"
The pegasus thought for a second, a slow smile spreading across her lips as her mind played its most recent recording back to her.
"This."
Lunging forward, she threw herself at the unicorn, drawing their lips into an intense kiss. The initial contact elicited a small yelp from the unicorn, but her surprise was quickly overcome by the raging fire that burned through her mind. Wrapping her forelegs around the unicorn's neck, Rainbow poured every last bit of strength that she had into her lips, her soul pouring itself out with each movement of her mouth against Twilights.
Breaking the kiss, she leaned her head back, tears of joy welled up in her eyes, her lungs gasping for air. Looking directly at the unicorn, Rainbow could barely speak.
"Twilight, I..I"
"I know Rainbow, I know. And I do too."
Her eyes nearly exploded in her head as words that the pegasus never thought she'd hear sounded in her head. Most other times, she'd fly in circles to celebrate, but this moment called for something much better. Leaning in again, she embraced Twilight like the unicorn was the last lifeline she had. Twilight eagerly returned the embrace as the two mares buried their muzzles into each other's manes. They sat in silence for minutes, letting their minds, and their still accelerating heartbeats, speak for them.
Finally, Rainbow pulled away from the embrace, and looked again at Twilight. My Twilight, she thought to herself.
"How did you figure it out, Twilight? All this time, I never told you how I felt, well not directly, anyway."
Her own smirk lighting up her face, Twilight looked up at Rainbow Dash. "It was just a matter of perspective".
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Very well done! Bravo! I'm very happy with the quality of the fics that this contest has maintained. Official judging is still a ways off, but I wish you luck!
2872714
Thank you very much! I appreciate it! :)
That last line...I'll never forget it.
These past two chapters, if I were to describe them in one word, that word would be cliche. So unerringly predictable and boring. And again I couldn't get anywhere into the emotion of the story because I am constantly wondering why all of Twilight's closest friends did not come, or even at least try. Also, when they first encounter the slowly approaching earth ponies, that was painfully obvious they were not quite right. Rainbow might not have caught that immediately but I am sure Twilight would have.
Then you resolve the Twidash in one of the worst ways short of writing a tragedy IMO. Twilight finally connects to the understanding of RD's feelings for her, that is fine. What is not fine is for her to then jump to proclaiming her own love so suddenly when previously there was not an ounce of those thoughts in her head. I could see her being open to the idea of RD as a romantic partner, and trying things out in that capacity... but to immediately jump to 'I love you too'... it is just sickening. Even worse you give TS a super fast RD life download which was really superfluous by this point.
You don't write that bad technically, I just see much to find wanting in the actual structure. Unexplained plot points, bad power balancing, railroading the two 'hero' ponies to where you want them and ignoring all else to the expense of that.
>>Lunarian
First, thank you for the read, and for your comments too! I'll try my best to respond:
You really upped the competency and power of the changelings up to 11 in this story, while majorly nerfing everything about the pony protagonist's. This just gives me false drama and feels because I am constantly questioning why they are acting with an idiot ball and why are they so weak and helpless.
My intention wasn't to nerf the mane 6 ( at least not that badly), but I can see a reader looking at it that way. In my outline, I had some sub points to tie the amplifier to the increased power of the changelings, but I clearly lost them along the way. I thought the point about spells like Shining's being ineffective might cover the nerfing a bit, but looking at it again, it could use more, as you said.
I am constantly wondering why all of Twilight's closest friends did not come, or even at least try. Also, when they first encounter the slowly approaching earth ponies, that was painfully obvious they were not quite right. Rainbow might not have caught that immediately but I am sure Twilight would have.
Fair point. As I neared the end, I began to realize that I left a big hole there, but I was out of time to fix it. Once the judging is over, I'll be updating this a bit, and plan on fixing that for sure. As for the Earth Ponies, even Twilight can make a noob mistake once and a while, right?
Even worse you give TS a super fast RD life download which was really superfluous by this point.
Arg, that's ironic. In my outline, that sequence didn't have as much detail in it, but I added it in as I wrote, feeling that it would all seem to simple, or cut/dry, without it. Should have gone with my gut there, lol. Fair point on the romance too. TS did make a huge jump in no time at all. I tried to cover that by positioning TS as knowing that she can and wants to love, but never realizing that her 'type' was in front of her. Made sense in my head, but, I definitely could have explored that more first.
All in all, that's what happens when you spend 2/3rds of the challenge just percolating your idea, trying to convince yourself that you can even do it at all. Then, a mad rush to literally the last minute, lol.
Thanks again for the feedback though. I seriously appreciate it!
-GMP
Ok....
I LOVE THIS COMPETITION!!!
It makes everyone write amazing TwiDash fics!
This one is also AMAAAAZIIIING!!!
I think Lunarian's main complaint was that everything in this story (in Lunarian's opinion) felt contrived to bring the reader to that ending scene where Twilight and Rainbow get together. And to be fair, I also thought it was a bit contrived, but that's only because every story in this contest was written with the requirement to reach a similar scene before they ended.
Really, the only major issue in this story was that at times the reader could see that you were sticking to an outline designed to get to that scene, and that's just because you were rushed and didn't have time to flesh it out with all of the usual bells and whistles to distract the reader. You have a real gift for writing sad scenes, and you have a good grasp on action scenes, and the problem (in my opinion) was that there weren't enough slice-of-life scenes in between to make it all feel more realistic.
Also, just a little nitpick -- when you attribute dialogue, the comma should go inside the punctuation marks, like this:
as opposed to what you tend to do, which looks like this:
That said, this is an excellent story. Good luck in the contest, and keep on writing!
2878105
When you reply to a comment, you should use the quote button you'll find at the top of each post, otherwise the comment is not linked properly and the person who wrote the comment isn't notified. (Well, technically, you could look up the comment number and type it it, but that would be error-prone and much more difficult.)
Overall, I couldn't really get into this story. I'm not sure whether this stemmed from a flaw in the writing or just a general lack of interest in the plot line. I'm tending to think the latter as I really have very little interest in Changelings.
Sorry for the general impressions rather than providing actual constructive criticism, but the main reason that I left this comment was to tell you about replies.
2888349
Thanks for the comment, as well as the read! Allow me to respond to your points individually. :)
1. I've been using the quote button to respond to folks. But, I was replacing the numbers that appeared with the person's alias, thinking the numbers were a bit impersonal. I take it that doing so breaks the quote feature? (if so, my apologies for the idiocy on my part)
2. No worries about not being able to get into the story. If the Changelings aren't your thing, then I suppose I was doomed from Chapter 2, lol. And hey, I know there's flaws in the writing, so that's a given at the moment.
Still, thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it!
-GMP
2876859
Wow, that was dumb on my part.
See kids: this is the kind of stuff that happens when you leave no time for spell checking and any real proof reading.
/thanks for catching it though
//adds it to the fix list
2877473
Thank you for the read, and for the extremely helpful comments. I really appreciate the feedback! I'll try and respond as best I can:
And to be fair, I also thought it was a bit contrived, but that's only because every story in this contest was written with the requirement to reach a similar scene before they ended.
Yep, the ship requirement definitely dominated the entire process here. IMO, the difference is in how each competitor got their readers to that point. Having read most of the other entries, many of the other competitors got their readers there in much smoother fashion than I. :)
Really, the only major issue in this story was that at times the reader could see that you were sticking to an outline designed to get to that scene, and that's just because you were rushed and didn't have time to flesh it out with all of the usual bells and whistles to distract the reader.
I was definitely rushed near the end, but looking back on it, I absolutely missed some good opportunities for some slice of life scenes. I got so tied up in getting the reader to the end goal, I didn't give them chances to admire the scenery along the way.
Dang good call there, as I really did write an outline first, then filled it in as I went.
You have a real gift for writing sad scenes, and you have a good grasp on action scenes, and the problem (in my opinion) was that there weren't enough slice-of-life scenes in between to make it all feel more realistic.
I am extremely flattered by the compliment! Thank you very much! Again, I 100% agree with the slice of life item. I definitely missed the boat on that facet of the story, but I hope to rectify that a bit when I edit/enhance the story after judging is completed.
Thanks again for the read, and the feedback!
-GMP
Sorry for the new/deleted comment spree there, folks. Ankyo was very kind to point out that I've apparently been botching my use of the quote button, leading to broken comment string links.
So, new copies of my earlier replies have been posted, now with working quote links. :)
2888405
Yup, that number is the ID of the comment, and is the only way the site can figure out which comment you're actually replying to (as one person can write multiple comments on a story). As you can see, it will replace the number with the name (as long as the comment is on the same page of comments...otherwise you have to click on the number to see who it is a reply to).
2888437
Well, I get the pony version of the dunce cap then.
Thanks for pointing that out! :)
2888482
Well, as long as we're all pointing things out, to get those neat quote boxes in your comments (instead of having to italicize quotes), either select the Quote button (the one with the icon of overlapping speech bubbles) from the list of options at the top of your new comment, or just use the [ quote ] [ /quote ] tags (without spaces).
2889642
Ah, that's very good to know! Thanks! :)
Great fic, I like that ending, good luck in the contest.
2895234
Thank you very much! :)
2899706
Thanks for the read! I must admit though, the first chapter is not my work. As noted in the Author Note for Chapter 1, the first chapter is another writer's work, and serves as the prompt for the current 'Abandoned Fic' challenge that is being held in the TwiDash group. The prompt has only been altered in one way, to add a single line of dialogue. Otherwise, it is as-is.
As for what happens, you'll just have to keep reading!
Thanks again!
GMP
If you hadn't mentioned that this was your first fic, and your first foray into writing fiction, I never would've guessed! Definitely an enjoyable read.
I think this has already been mentioned by another reader previously; the action scenes were well-crafted and engaging, but you could definitely use a bit more work on the leadup/filler/SoL scenes. It does feel somewhat more and more rushed as you progress through the story.
First story?
Well done! Honestly, this story is of very solid quality. Great characterizations, great action, and, of course, great Twidash. I hope we can see more like it from you in the future. But regardless of whether you do write more or not, this story was awesome!
2920372
Thank you very much for the read, and the feedback! You're right, the 'missing filler/SoL' comment was made earlier, but thanks for emphasizing it though. I definitely missed some good chances to put more meat on the story, per se.
To be honest, your sense that it was rushed at the end is spot on. The 'rushed' feeling only accelerated as I ran out of time before the submission deadline, lol.
Thanks again for the feedback!
-GMP
2920578
Thanks for the read, and I appreciate the compliment! I do hope to wring at least a few more stories, one-shots, etc. out of my brain, so hopefully, I can improve a bit over time too. :)
Thanks!
-GMP
never finished reading this, and probably wont, so I might be missing something, but the changelings feel off. In canon they were shown to be weaker and less capable than ponies individually, but dangerous because of tending to show up in seemingly endless swarms, as well as being able to screw with your ability to tell friend from foe or who's who.
...here they seem to be stronger and smarter than their pony counterparts, and the only justification is some loosely defined amplifier. on top of which it's just the queen and a few strays. no sign of the swarm, or explanation for it's absence. It doesn't feel right.
2944238
Thanks for giving the story a try, though I am sorry that it fell short for you.
I do appreciate the comment though, and I agree. A similar sentiment was expressed by a few other readers, regarding my use of the Changelings here. I'll admit, since this was my first ever fic, I literally wrote an outline, and filled it in. Given the deadline in place for the contest, and the very mechanical nature of my outline, I assumed I'd miss a few things like this. I'm just grateful that folks such as yourself have called me on it.
Once the Abandoned Fic challenge is judged and closed out, I do plan on going back to this story and making numerous additions and revisions to clear up issues such as this one. Whenever I finish that, I do hope you'll give it another try, and find it more to your liking. :)
Thanks again for the feedback!
GMP
Great fic! Very well written and exciting!
My official critique as a contest judge, as requested
That was a fun little adventure romp if I ever did read one!
There were a lot of very good things going on here, not the least of which was the action and excitement level. As soon as they both hit Canterlot, it was a mad dash to the end and didn’t let up on the throttle once. Which is good; sometimes readers need a breather, but here it was purposefully a rush and it felt appropriate. It can occasionally be difficult to keep that urgency afloat without sacrificing reading pacing—rushing through scenes to keep the momentum going and leaving out important detail—but you did a suitably fine job keeping things interesting while keeping the ball rolling forward.
I especially like Twilight’s characterization throughout, specifically her brain’s unwillingness to stop analyzing what was going on with Rainbow Dash. Adventure/Romance stories sometimes run the risk of the romance becoming second fiddle and you’re left just being told to accept that those feelings are there, but here we can arrive at the conclusion alongside Twilight and accept it willingly, from not thinking about Dash that way consciously to that well of feeling hidden below the surface, all woven into a fast-paced narrative. It works, it really does.
The pacing as a whole was acceptable. I think in some ways the story as a whole is a little simplistic for the type of plot, compared to what it could be. We get a set-up with the changelings that’s a little facelessly ‘evil’ where they’re wiping ponies to take over and Twilight needs to run to the rescue, which takes up the first half. We then have the second half that basically boils down to Twilight chasing down Dash through an empty town and castle, matching power against Crysalis, and Dash throwing her into the glowy orb of doomy doom. It’s all exciting, but there’s really not that much going on. It’s a fairly straightforward and uncomplicated plot that’s A to B to C.
That’s not necessarily bad or wrong, but it is a little simplistic. It would have been nice to see the story fleshed out to something more complicated, where Twilight had to match wits with amplified changelings in the castle grounds or something. We see a smidgen of what an amped changeling looks like in the train, but not really in action. Having at least one scene of that, especially if it proves difficult for Twilight, would have added a sense of dread confronting Crysalis at the end as well as heightened the impact of her drawing on her friends for the power to really hold her own against the Queen.
I’m sounding like a broken record on some of these critiques—editors, editors, editors. I know you were down to the wire and plan to go back, so I won’t harp on it, but typos and punctuation errors abound outside of the missing italics (for what it’s worth, I never ever use the upload feature; I draft in other writing programs and manually insert bbcode as I go, then copy/paste into fimfiction when it’s done, because the uploader has the habit of scrambling stuff at times). I’ll just leave it with the statement that I have never seen a story put online that was only self-edited where after reading it I came away with the opinion that the writer had no use for a second set of eyes first.
Overall, I enjoyed myself reading this. Action with a side of smoochy horses is one of my favorite genres and this did not disappoint. You’ve got a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome at play, which you might consider working on. Not the worst by any means, but as a general rule of thumb in my opinion, if you’re using colors to differentiate characters from each other rather than set the mood, it should probably be done away with.
Sometimes you’re trying to do double duty with both—most notably the scene where Dash looks from Twilight to all the rest at the train station and you talk about them in terms of eye color—and although it paints a certain mood, there’s a certain amount of translation that needs to happen in a reader’s head. ‘Cerulean eyes, that could be Fluttershy, Rarity, or Pinkie depending on the writer, okay, kindness, it’s Fluttershy.’ Having that pause where a reader is forced to translate an image to figure out who you’re talking about breaks immersion. And when the goal of doing something like that is to immerse a reader in imagery, you’re accomplishing the opposite.
A very nice and breezy action read. I look forward to more of your work in the future.
My two cents.
2969923
Sorry for the late reply here, bats. It's been a really crazy few days, and on top of it, a family member landed in the hospital. (all is well though)
Anyway, thank you so much for the great review, and especially for the awesome tips and suggestions. I'll definitely take them to heart when I go back and clean up/polish the story.
Thanks again! I truly appreciate your time and advice!
2975621
Thanks for the read, and for the feedback! I'm glad you liked it! Yes, this is in fact my first ever piece of fiction. I'm happy that it's been fairly well received, but I know I've got a long way to go to really get to the next level. Hopefully, you'll hang around to read what my next story.
2961791
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback!
3034027 Well now I fell kinda stupid,but I have read chapters 2 & 3 and there good too; I'll be sure to finish this story as soon as I get home.
3034333
Hey, no worries at all! I probably should put a note or something at the top of Chapter 1 as well, just in case.
There's another note at the end of the last chapter, which (tries) to explain some of the formatting issues that you might find in the later chapters. I do plan ongoing back to fix those, lol. :)
Thanks again for the read!
Okay just finished the story and it was great
Also I had know trouble distinguishing what was inner dialouge and what wasn't even without italics.
That... was... a great story! Keep up the good work
3168552
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
3077281
Thanks for the read! I plan on going back to polish this some more, after some new projects get cleared up. Hopefully, it reads a bit smoother for you, lol. :)
Glad you enjoyed it though!
3364292
Yikes, I'm so sorry that I missed your comment!
Thanks for the kind words, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story! A bit of shameless self-promo here, but if you liked this one, I think you'll like 'Scars' even more. My writing definitely improved between here and there, lol. :)
3409830 Scars is an excellent story; one of my favorites. And your writing definitely improved, though this was also really nice.
5256971
Thanks for giving this a read. :) I'll admit, this story is definitely rough around the edges, as it was my first try at fiction of any kind. xD
So, hopefully it's not too painful to read. ;)
6331892
Uh-oh, you found my first story (and my first attempt at writing fiction)
I'll gladly admit that it's rough in spots, and I left more than a few plot holes in there. I like to think I've gotten better with time though, so don't judge me too much by this one, lol. :D
Found it! And this wasn't all that bad either. Little bit rushed, a few spelling errors, nothing major. So for that, you have a like and a fav!
Looking forward to more TwiDash from you. Also, dang! You're fast at replying to comments!
6331932 Ha! :)
Not fast all the time. You just happened to catch me at the computer before I left for work. (on my phone now)
I'm glad you liked it though! If you're looking for more TwiDash, I have two others in my collection for you. ;) And thanks a million for the watch! :)
6331993 I may or may not have read your other 2. If I'm correct, it's Remembrance Day and Scars. I'll be honest, I was putting off Remembrance Day for a while since the easiest way to make me sad is have love, death, and happy memories. It's that story in a nutshell as well, so I just tried to avoid it but the temptation was too much.
6332001 Ah, ok. Well, nothing saying you have to read it, and I'll never begrudge one's personal tastes. Tis all good with me. :)
My latest, 'Ciphers', hits the love and sad buttons, but no deaths though. Just a fair heads-up. :)
Cheers!
6743242 Yikes!
In my defense, chapter 1 was the prompt that contestants had to work from, so edits were not really allowed. (I did make one word swap, but w/prior permission)
I'll go fix that anyway, just for sanity's sake.
6743242 And fixed.
Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Much appreciated. :)