Hello, friends! My name is Lemony Cutewhistle.

I am probably a normal pony.

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Editing thanks to Aquaman and Masked Ferret.

3/14/24 Still Alive Edition

There's only one pony in Ponyville that the Mane Six have never met. Pinkie Pie has never thrown him a party, Applejack has never sold him a mug of cider, and Twilight has never seen him check out any books. And as far as that unicorn, Lapis Print, is concerned, that's exactly how it should be.

Lapis can't risk them knowing where he lives, what he does for a living, or even what his name is - if he gets his way, the Mane Six won't even know he exists, and nopony in Ponyville will miss him once he's gone.

It should be a piece of cake - after all, it's not like the biggest magical power in Equestria is about making sure everypony looks out for each other, right?

(Rated Teen for language - mental cursing mostly.)

Everypony enjoys myths and ponytales, even if they know such things aren't real. Alicorns fighting against a spirit of chaos? An ancient princess trapped in a library under a tree, waiting to be found? Quite enchanting and fantastic tales yes, but nonetheless as fictional as Daring Do and other such stories. At least, that's what Rarity used to think.

She doesn't anymore.

Dedicated to Annuska for being as amazing a writer as she is a friend.

Now a physical book!!!
Patreon!
Based on an old oneshot.
Chapter Art by Arctic Waters // Graphic Design and Typography by Swan Song.

Due to a typo on her permit to build a new barn, and the meddling of a recalcitrant bureaucrat, Applejack is stuck running a bar, at least until Mayor Mare gets back to town. So sit down and have a drink in Ponyville's least likely watering hole!

Equestria stands on the brink of ruin. A necromancer has raised an army of the dead and is poised to plunge the world into darkness. Monsters and brigands roam freely across the land, preying upon the innocent.

Only one hope remains. Armed with swords, spells, snacks, and a bag of dice, five heroes band together to defeat the forces of evil… if their rolls are good enough.

Welcome to gaming night in Ponyville.

Dramatic reading by Goombasa.

Cover image by Elosande used with permission.

Spike carries each of the most important ponies in his life home after a long day.

A commission-turned-gift for B_25

UPDATE: A Spanish language translation for Carry Me Home is now available, made by Spaniard Kiwi on his deviantart.

UPDATE (2024): Them's Writin' Words podcast did a wonderful review of this story. I appreciate all the thought and work put in to their critiques and all the kind words.

Twilight Sparkle had been looking forward to a quiet, relaxing day with a friend, and at first it seemed that Fluttershy could provide just that. But when Twilight makes a rather unsettling discovery about the pegasus – and her unusually sanguine appetite – the knowledge proves to be anything but relaxing...

Celestia had a problem. Somepony wrote a novel about Nightmare Moon's rebellion. This made Luna quite unhappy, and unfortunately for her sister, Luna has not yet gotten the hang of modern traditions like freedom of speech, the abolition of the death penalty, and not bothering Princess Celestia when she's trying to sleep.

Fortunately, Celestia also had a faithful student, one who is now a Princess with an ill-defined portfolio and perfectly capable of dispensing justice by the laws of both today and one thousand years ago.

Now Twilight Sparkle has a problem.

(Title image hacked together from vectors by Martinnus1, Hawk9mm, and Paulie15.)

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...

One week ago, Twilight Sparkle was crowned the fourth Princess of Equestria. Tonight, Ponyville hosts the 1003rd Summer Sun Celebration, and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna want a vacation. With two fine young princesses like Cadance and Twilight to take over for them, nothing could possibly go wrong.

(Title image hacked together from vectors by sakatagintoki117 and Chrome-MMVII.)

Do you need to know what texture an apple's skin has to be in order to be sure that it's ripe? There's an app. for that! Ever wondered how many apples it would take to fill the cement foundation of a skating rink? There's an app. for that too! Ever felt like having an adoracute hologram with orange freckles that you could summon at any moment to chat with you in a charming country accent? Well...

When Twilight Sparkle donates a bunch of crystalline "smart-watches" to the citizens of Ponyville, she unwittingly includes a free download of a holographic Applejack with each prototype. Now the entire town is enamored with utilizing their helpful little neighborhood apple pony. The only thing is... would the real Applejack approve of all this?

Cover art by Fozzywig