I Sing the Body Electric · 6:50pm Jun 20th, 2017
Okay, so first things first, I want y'all to know that I'm fine. I'm perfectly okay.
Good? Good.
So a couple weeks ago, my father found blood on my sheets. Figuring the time had finally come, he sat me down in front of him and told me about the wonders of growing up and the ways my body is going to change.
Then he stopped, and realized I'm actually not a woman.
So to the hospital we went.
We actually knew where the blood came from, by the way. Hard not to, seeing how I couldn't move my fingers. They were red, swollen, and kinda looked like half-cooked sausages.
And hey, maybe that was the problem! Like, maybe I just subconsciously mistook them for hotdogs or something, and then nibbled at them, and that's why--
"Wait a minute." The doctor looked at me here. "You're biting your fingers?"
"Uh." I looked at Father, who arched an eyebrow, and then back at the doctor. "Well. Yes."
"While you sleep."
"Yes."
"You're biting your fingers while you sleep."
"Yeah, hence the blood. I mean, I think? They have bite marks."
A pause.
Let me tell you, there's nothing worse than a doctor just. Stopping in the middle of an interview? Just to stare at you. Like, just to stare as hard as she possibly can.
"I take that's not good?"
So turns out it's not normal to be this stressed out--or at least it ain't healthy, I suppose. Here's how the rest of the visit went (in a somewhat abridged fashion):
Doctor: So how many hours do you sleep every day?
Me: Uuuuh.
Father: Answer.
Me: Eight?
Father: Answer for real.
Me: Okay, okay. Six. Six hours a day.
Doctor: ...
Father: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...I guess most nights it's more like four hours but in my defense--
Doctor: Eating habits?
Me: Healthy.
Father: Son.
Me: For real! I eat super healthily. Fruit and vegetables up my arsehole every day of the week.
Father: Right. Okay, so, Doctor?
Doctor: Yes?
Father: He forgets to eat.
Doctor: What.
Me: THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE.
Father: This week.
Me: IRRELEVANT.
Doctor: You forget to eat?
Me: I, uh. Well. I mean, I live by myself, and I have to study a lot in my free time. So sometimes I start studying, and sorta forget to... I mean, I don't feel hungry. If you don't eat for a long enough time you just don't feel anything in your stomach.
Father: We call him every day to make sure he doesn't accidentally starve to death, but he almost never picks up the phone.
Me: I'm studying. Okay. It's important.
Father: He once spent three days without eating and almost fainted in the middle of class, but nowadays he's getting better, at least.
Me: Yeah, at most I skip two meals or so.
Doctor: Oh my doctor fuck.
Doctor: Any other symptoms, aside from trying to devour your own fingers?
Father: Healthy eating habits, he says.
Me: Well, my skin in general, I guess?
Father: Motherfucker resorts to autocannibalism and tries to fool us by saying he eats his veggies.
Doctor: Your skin? Oh, you mean your face?
Me: Yeah. Among other things. I mean, this isn't a black eye--the skin reddens and sheds by itself.
Father: Not just in the face.
Me: No, not really. Across the entire body I guess. My legs are a nightmare.
Doctor: ...Your skin. It's shedding.
Me: More like falling off, I guess? Rotting away? I don't know. You throw me into a pool, and I'm an alka seltzer.
Father: He is constantly disintegrating, yeah.
Me: Actually, my thighs bleed a little too I think?
Father: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, I'm not flexible enough to bite those, but I think I scratch them at night. Whenever I'm not eating my fingers, I mean.
Doctor: Are. Are you scratching your thighs as we speak?
Father: ...
Me: ...
Doctor: ...
Me: Oh, hey. Okay so yeah they're definitely bleeding.
So yeah.
After that, I had to buy a lot of stuff to take care of my skin and body in general -- I have to unironically oil my thighs every day, and damn it if that ain't the best medical treatment I've ever undergone -- and I had to absolutely lay down the caffeine for a while. There was nothing wrong with me per se, it was just pure unadulterated stress, with some added anxiety.
Exams do that to you, I guess? I don't know.
Anyway -- so that's the situation. Sorry for sorta disappearing for a couple months; as you can infer from here, I found it hard to write, what with me constantly screaming in abject terror every time I saw my own reflection in the mirror.
I'm getting better, I've finished my exams (they went well) and I have some time to relax, if I can remember how, though. So I'm coming back, little by little. I just posted a new story, specifically designed so it's easy to update and quick to read. That way I'll avoid this kind of super dry period where I don't post anything in months.
You ain't running out of Aragón any time soon, mate. I'm here to stay.
Big projects -- commissions, Sunsettle, etcetera -- coming soon, too. So yeah. Sorry again for disappearing, and check that new story I just told you about. It's called "Mad, With Power". It's an anthology of little comedies that are also kind of surreal, and a tad creepy. It's tagged "Horror" for a reason (but also "Comedy", don't worry).
And there's a guest chapter by Pearple Prose! Who also helped with the description, and proofread my stories, and so on. It's a cool story. I hope it'll get more guest chapters in the future, that'll be fun.
More fun than eating your own fingers, that's for sure. Boy, typing like that was not pleasant lemme tell you.
I mean you do have a pretty punchable face so I could see why they’d suspect that.
So your dad started to give you the wrong "the talk", and then you had an awkward conversation with the Doctor.
Sounds fun.
I really feel terrible for laughing at those interchanges, but it's clearly your intention for us to do that, so maybe not that terrible...
Glad you did well on your exams.
This is the strangest thing I've read today.
It's okay, Aragon. We all eat pieces of ourselves sometimes.
Well, except for me. And everybody else I know. But I'm sure it's totally normal.
oh my multiversecruise fuck
I love yo- I mean, I'm sorry that I love yo- SHIT no my sympathies that you're body is like that and I love y- I hope you get better you.
Glad to hear you're finally starting your plan to become the worlds scrawniest Conan the Barbarian impersonator. For serious, glad things are better and lemme know when there's more stuff to edit that isn't creepy dark.
Your life sounds like an anime
How do you even function?
Well, glad to see that you've gotten over the whole chewing yourself out thing. Just make sure you get to bed oilier and don't try to just shed off others' concerns.
I am impressed with you for managing both to pass your exams while apparently a shambling corpse and to shock your doctor into silence. (Did the hospital staff perchance try to direct you to the morgue when they saw you?)
Seriously, though, hope you finish getting better soon.
Is it possible that, sometime before you stopped being hungry and your skin started turning black and falling off--perhaps without your noticing it--you died?
Terrible habit to indulge, autocannibalism. You'd just end up full of yourself.
Do please get better and try not to terrify any more doctors into silence.
Holy @#$%, dude. Take care of yourself, a'ight?
Huh.
I totally get the sleeping thing. I got two wakeup calls back in college: sleeping 12+ hours per day during Freshman year Christmas break (scared my mom with that), and passing out once at the bathroom counter while inserting my contacts. Unfortunately, I require more than 2 wakeup calls.
But I can honestly say that I never started nomming myself. I'm... uhhh... glad you're looking into that. Don't need you getting arrested for cannibalism now.
Jeez. At least you're getting better, so, there's that.
I lol'd.
gj, Erysichthon :B
...you studies so hard you started turning into a Zombie?
How hard is it to become a lawyer in Spain? When you say 'exams' are they actually cage matches? Are you placed into a small box with a rabid baboon which can only be pacified by a full reading of the El Código Penal de España? Do the exams take place in your dreams and are the examiners actually cenobites from Hellraiser only what happens in your dreams also happens in reality and this is why you bleed copiously?
What kind of living hell is law school in Spain? Do you need to be rescued? Should we send troops?
Well. I say troops. It's really just Numbers with one of those huge Ozzie knives and me with Redactedstani vim, zip, zing, and can-do attitude[1].
[1] Which is to say a 7.92x57mm Mauser rifle and a complete disregard for human life.
I laughed harder then I should have.
Holy shit, you should really get a nicer boyfriend. Mr number totally turned you into his beaten anorexic wife.
You don't need to loose weight to be beautiful aragon. You're already perfect as you are.
In all seriousness, I'm glad you're better but you gotta take better care of yourself.
Most people, when they post stuff like this, get an outpouring of stuff like well-wishes and general expressions of sympathy.
You get people asking if you're dead and being completely unsurprised that you look like you've been punched in the face.
Don't you just feel so lucky that you have such great friends?
Thanks for the update, glad to hear the exams went well.
And now I'm sort of picturing something similar to the Seinfeld episode where Kramer starts using butter on his skin while sunbathing , only you're like Newman and Kramer combined into a single person and-
Just getting get some brain-bleach.
Back in a bit.
...
... ...
(Just imagine an animated gif of the Pinkie emote wandering out of the comment.)
Aragon is basically dead at this point, lads. Abandon ship!
Jk, get better asap <3
4577451 Well, he is studying to become a lawyer, so at *some* point between Normal Human and Abomination From The Great Darkness, there has to be a shift from one state to another. Under normal circumstances, symptoms of such include a desire to purchase a new BMW, an unhealthy focus on your tennis and golf games, and Speaking in Tongues, i.e. Latin.
I can't tell where the lies end and the truth begins!
4577847
What if, instead of transitioning from being human to the worse end, he's already a demon and are only now heading back towards becoming human (meeting up with lawyer along the way)?
Please don't die
This sounds like it could be adapted into some horror comedy. A commentary about the pressures of academics. Actually, screw the movie. Aragon, you should go out there and bite someone's salad fingers. Between your own sausage fingers and places you can't bite, you're obviously not getting a balanced diet! Oh, and make sure to work those salivary glands. You want it almost at the consistency of drool, but not quite there so you still appear to be a normal human. With sausage fingers. Just work it up enough to really ensure that infection, eh?
Pfffftttttt glistening thighs 😂🤣😂 Your thighs are like a slip n slide 😃 Uhh... you totally might wanna take advantage of that. I mean yeah, there's the obvious naughty ways, but now you can pull off majestic slip n slide getaways by not wearing any pants 🚫👖
I can see the headlines now. The Amazing Undead Spanish Slug Man! Faster than a bicycle! Faster than Scootaloo! More frictionless than WD40 on a sliding door. Eater of salad fingers and possibly lady fingers (chocolate is totally part of a balanced meal dammit).
4577451
Tagging you cuz you prolly miss my disturbing and possibly hilarious comments that are horrible. Horribarious? Hmm... sounds like halitosis. Eww
Oh, and here is your new theme song, Ara.
Well, I hope being a lawyer is less stressful than becoming one.
4577542
1: I am on day 17 in my attempt to swim across the Pacific over your choice of work hours, but I'm pretty sure Spain's got warmer waters, so I'll stop to make a detour on the way in.
2: He's doing two degrees at once. When doing one at once is meant to be the acceptable courseload to put on a human being, which is why they construct them as such. This is also how they define 'full time' workload, mister, so I'm still swinging up your way once I make land.
3: I promise to not stop beating either of you until you learn to relax a little.
4577719
Don't put this on me! I'm the one yelling at him to go to sleep and eat. What about any of this screams sexy to you? The only one that should be scratching his thighs is me!
4579381
Oh so you're yelling at him?! And you're saying he's ugly?! And you even dare to tell me that you want to mutilate him?!
You are a sick monster and you disgust me.
Look just promise me if you get a hankering to eat brains it is someone I don't like who you consume the brain of, like, some ISIS terrorist or something, ok? Thanks!
Yeah, I think it's time to start putting together the FImFiction author nature preserve. Where we rescue FimFiction authors with terrible surroundings and habits and send them to live somewhere nice so they can just relax and write good ponywords.
Our first targets will be GhostOfHeraclitus, Aragon, and I think we put Cold In Gardez in as the ringer to foil escape attempts. MrNumbers can be our retrieval specialist.
4580699
...
...
hat...is the most hilarious idea EVER
4588085
I just need several million dollars to make it happen!
C-can everyone please stop self destructing?
I mean holy CRAP.
You can get better.
you really need to get laid!