• Member Since 18th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 24th, 2013

Lyreaxiose


E

They had been patient. From a distance or in a crowd or at her window when she slept at night, they watched. The target had been selected, her fears uncovered, and, now, was the time to split her from the pack. In the Forest, the wolves waited.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

I am in awe. You have achieved in so little words what I could not. I see potential in this, maybe you could continue it. I would be interested in seeing where this goes.
Keep on writing. :pinkiehappy:

Dun dun dunnnn

This can't stay a one-shot, seriously. I have to know what exactly happened to Scootaloo and where she's going to steer her life. I want to know more about her mind; why did she choose this? Would she do this normally or is the hive-mind controlling her?

When I really like a short story, I generally want more of it. There's actually very few that leave me completely satisfied at the end, but that doesn't imply that they're of a lesser quality. Some ideas just demand expansion. Diary of an Evil Pony is perfect as a one-shot because the main character's dilemma is both presented and solved by the end. A sequel would not have felt appropriate unless it just took the same characters and started a whole new story.

Whatever direction you decide to take, I will still be satisfied. Great work! :moustache:

I would like to see where this goes.

This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society

Story Title: Chicken

Author: Lyreaxiose

Reviewed by: Blankscape

Simply put, Lyreaxiose tries to write a story that is deep and riveting, but his eager and straight-forward execution and the lone focus on the perspective of its main character abates the impact of it to something with less than half the intended depth and comes off as slightly confusing. While it no doubt has its good points in painting the circumstance of Scootaloo in a dreary hue closer to reality, it still doesn’t manage to break through its flat dimensionality. It’s a serious story whose flaws prevent it from being taken as such, yet a tense read for the unprepared.

Full Review

Score: 5.5/10

Comment posted by Blankscape deleted Jul 3rd, 2013

Sorry about that, I accidentally posted it twice.

2816800
Thank you for taking the time to review me story. I've read through your review and will take note of its criticisms the next time I write something. I'm really appreciative of it! This was one of my first stories, written on the spur of the moment, but I really enjoyed it. My intention with the details and actions of the ponies towards Scootaloo was supposed to suggest that they weren't the actual ponies, but changelings. I guess I haven't gotten so far as to be good at inferring things well. I'll have to work on that.

Thank you again. The feedback will definitely help me in the future.

2850468

My intention with the details and actions of the ponies towards Scootaloo was supposed to suggest that they weren't the actual ponies, but changelings. I guess I haven't gotten so far as to be good at inferring things well. I'll have to work on that.

Well, the story certainly makes more sense with that little detail, and this really wasn't hinted well enough, now that I've read it again. Glad to see you took note of your mistake :moustache:

Oooo... Twisted.... And intersting....

This story needs something...... I know a sequel

You made a mistake, Rainbow's eyes are red, not purple.

4543180
Actually, they're Cerise, which isn't even close to red.

I am not disappoint!!!!!!:pinkiehappy: This was a great story!!!! :yay:

CHRYSALIS!!
Love her

This story was very well written, particularly the characters of Scootaloo and Chrysalis. Just two questions, though. What did Rainbow Dash say to Scootaloo to get her in such a vulnerable state of mind? Second, is there ever going to be a sequel to this story? The place you left it suggests the answer is yes.
The part of the story where Scootaloo goes into the cocoon voluntarily showed me why this species could learn a thing or two about assimilation techniques from Chrysalis (namely, manipulate the feelings of the organism that you are trying to assimilate until they willingly let it happen)

Login or register to comment