• Member Since 17th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen August 29th

Lunatia


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Source

When you don't know where your roots are from, it's hard to believe what you don't want to hear.

Scootaloo grew up her entire life as an orphan. She never lived in an orphanage, however, and chose the life of an outcast. Little did she know, that her life was part of something big.

With the Royal Wedding coming up, Princess Cadance has been acting unusually strange towards the young orange pegasus. Not only her, but her three bridesmaids have been climbing over eachother just to get a glimpse of the filly. Why are they doing this? She has no idea.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 105 )

this has potential, so far no glaring mistakes either, i´ll Keep an eye on it.

3016660

Seconded. Words right out of my mouth.

I am sure it will be good. I like what I see so far. It does have a lot of potential. It is gutsy to release it one chapter at a time. I keep mine unpublished until the end when I publish them all at once and then submit my stories.

Hmm . . . intriguing. I'm gonna have to follow this story, methinks. :twilightsmile:

Thanks you guys so much for the favourites :pinkiehappy: You're all awesome, and I love you. I just woke up about 2 hours ago and I'm already starting the 2nd chapter. Updates in the future won't come as quick as that, because now I'm balancing out continuing 3 stories :unsuresweetie:

Interesting, but isn't that nicer than chrysalis was as cadance? I look forward to more.:pinkiehappy:

I have more questions but I can wait for the story.

Oh my, you have earned a like, favorite, and a potatoe my good sir

Very well done

3017124 Think about it.... re-read the summary..... and look at the title picture.... there you have it!

I really like this promising start! tracking.

3017371 no I know that, I just have other questions, about the setup and particulars and etc.

You've piqued my interest, I shall be following this story

So... Scootaling.

Curious. The description has piqued my interest. It'll have to wait until later for me to read it, but my interested is definitely piqued.

3017600 No, I mean Scootaling. As in :ajbemused:

X is actually a changeling, in other words.

Done... with... that...

Let's see where this goes. Maybe even have Chrysalis be a relatively redeemable character in trying to be closer to Scootaloo (not only for her own benefit). This'll be interesting.

I think I figured out the twist already...

"I'm an orphan. But the Crusaders take care of me, we have fun lots.

"I'm an orphan, but the Crusaders take care of me. We have lots of fun.

Cadance helped her up, and brush off the dirt.

Cadence helped her up, brushing off the dirt.

Sooo... "Princess miamora cadenza"(:fluttershbad:) wants scootaloo to call her Cadence:trixieshiftright:? Suspisions and double standards are brewing! Also: Oh no! twigs in her mane! The horror! The horror!:raritydespair::raritycry::twilightoops::fluttershbad: :pinkiecrazy: :ajbemused::rainbowwild:

!0 out of 5 mustaches for you!

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

3018011

:pinkiecrazy: This is what happens when I start a story at 1am. Thanks.

Scoot-Scootaling! I am intrigued, and wish to read more. :pinkiecrazy:

3018309
I didn't mean any disrespect in it. I know that feeling.

27 editing issues:

>"Apple Bloom! Sweetie Belle! Scootaloo! Y'all get down here, Ah got some news to share. And Ah'm pretty sure you'll love it!" The orange earth pony called.
One sentence, not two.

>The three fillies exchanged confused looks before heading outside on to the balcony.
Comma.

>Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle watched interestingly.
Wrong part of speech.

>"Don't worry about it, none of us really knew much about him either." The farmer pony assured her.
One sentence, not two.

>"Well, I'm in. As long as I don't have to wear any frilly dresses." Scootaloo huffed.
One sentence, not two.

>Usually it took a few hours to get there, however being a part of the wedding party, they were sure to take the quickest route.
Two sentences, not one.

>"Well, that is until there's another royal wedding." Sweetie Belle gasped.
One sentence, not two.

>Scootaloo made a disgusted look.
Needs rewrite.

>there was huge gaps
Numerical mismatch.

>"We'll just have to find another way in." Sweetie Belle decided.
One sentence, not two.

>however stopping
Switch word order.

>The bottom was about 20 feet straight down. Scootaloo kicked a rock down and watched it directly hit the bottom
Repeating word.

>40 minutes later,
Change digits to words.

>They all groaned as
Missing comma.

>and lazily hoof bumped
wearily

>The trek just to get to the mountain took 5 minutes
>About 15 minutes later,
Change digits to words.

>short rests, they finally made it to the gate
Misplaced comma.

>two rather surprised looking Canterlot Guard.
Numerical mismatch.

>remained their stern expressions
retained

>"What are young fillies like you doing out here?" One of them asked
One sentence, not two.

>"We're... Part of... Wedding party!"
>The Guard got up.
Excess captitalization.

>"I'm going to need identification. You should have been on the train that arrived a while ago." He said
One sentence, not two.

>"I'll have the servants prepare you guys your own relaxing baths, you deserve it."
Requires semicolon or period.

>something seemed so... Familiar
Excess captitalization.

>"It's such a shame to see a wonderful filly like you with nopony for family. But it's great to hear that you have two amazing friends, who could also count as family."
Repeating word.

>followed closely beside the pink princess towards the castle.
Comma.

3018464

I capitalised guard since it's a rank. For example, you would say Princess Celestia, not princess Celestia.

">The three fillies exchanged confused looks before heading outside on to the balcony.
Comma."
Where would it need a comma here?

">Scootaloo made a disgusted look.
Needs rewrite."
:rainbowderp: What?

From the picture, is scootaloo a changeling? Just asking!

3017679
:twilightangry2: Yes. Scootaling means "Scootaloo is a Changeling". Namely the very thing I am bucking DYING to see paired with Sweetie Bot and Zombie Bloom in the same fic.

:flutterrage: Don't be disrespecting my Happy Place, man. Just don't.

...and on unrelated news, was anyone else suddenly unable to access FimFiction using Firefox? :derpyderp1: I regret to inform you all that right now I am slumming with IE in order to access the site right now, and it is ticking me off.

3018749

You're going to have to wait for later chapters :scootangel:

Great start. I think I know where this going. Don't worry though I won't spoil it for everyone else.:scootangel:

3018826 That would only work for me if it was a 'screwball comedy'. Even remotely serious would ruin the absurdity of it all.

3019423
Shall we agree to disagree on the subject, then? Just accept that neither one of us is going to change the other's mind, and just get on with our lives?

Some editing notes:

Apple Bloom was reading a comic book of Daring Do.

sounds like the comic belongs to Daring. Should be "Daring Do comic book".

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle watched interestingly.

Sounds like the way they watched was interesting. Should be "watched with interest" or "watched, interested."

"Twilight's old foalsitter, Princess Cadance

I know this is AU but why do people know Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is Cadance, Twi's foalsitter?

The train to Canterlot was short. Usually it took a few hours to get there, however being a part of the wedding party, they were sure to take the quickest route.

That is not how trains work, usually.

The trek just to get to the mountain took 5 minutes. Getting up the mountain was a different story. About 15 minutes later,

That does not deserve to be called a trek, nor a mountain.

How do they recognize Cadance on sight?

Also from the description, the bridesmaids. They are not changelings. They are mind controlled. Are you changing that? Chrysalis was the only changeling strong enough to infiltrate Canterlot and keep her cover.

Ok, this is cute so far and might go somewhere interesting, but it needs a major logic and canon overhaul.

3019836
Sweetiebot possessed by Thrackerzod.
Scootaloo, daughter of Celestia and Chrysalis.
Drunken master Apple Cider Bloom of the blanks.

3020222

Twilight Sparkle: I'd be honored! [pause] But I'm still pretty ticked you're marrying somepony I don't even know! When did you even meet this "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza"?
Shining Armor: Twily, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is Cadance. Your old foalsitter.
Twilight Sparkle: Cadance? As in the Cadance? As in the greatest foalsitter in the history of foalsitters?!
Shining Armor: [chuckles] You tell me, she was your foalsitter.
from "A Royal Canterlot Wedding", part 1.

3020581

And where did that scene occur? Canterlot.
And where is the CMC's clubhouse? Ponyville.
They should not know who she is till they get to Canterlot.

3018510 Guard is not a rank, it's a profession and a description of duties. It's not capitalized for the same reason "soldier" or "firefighter" isn't. It's used correctly in the phrase "The two guards exchanged looks". Normal sentence-based capitalization rules aside (such as beginning sentences), "guard" would also be capitalized in descriptions such as "the Canterlot Guard" (describing the military unit as a whole), but not "the Canterlot guard" (describing an individual performing guard duties in Canterlot, or who is from Canterlot, or who is otherwise associated with Canterlot).

Even if it was a rank, ranks are not automatically capitalized. It's possible to discuss admirals and captains, inspectors and agents, supervisors and petty officers, without capitalization. They would be capitalized when used as part of a personal identifying phrase (phrasal pronoun), though, such as Admiral Smith or Officer Jones.

>>>The three fillies exchanged confused looks before heading outside on to the balcony.
>>Comma.
>Where would it need a comma here?
Between "looks" and "before". The two actions (exchanging looks and heading outside) are serial and separated. Without the comma the flow of the text is rushed, and reads like it's being narrated by a robot.

>>>Scootaloo made a disgusted look.
>>Needs rewrite.
>What?
Verb-noun mismatch. Looks (and expressions) aren't made. They're given, received, worn, and occasionally dropped or summoned. When an expression is made, it's referred to as making a face. Faces (when referring to expressions) can also be put on, although that implies a somewhat more deliberate action, as opposed to a purely reactive one.

Alternatives to the original sentence would thus include:
"Scootaloo gave a disgusted look."
"Scootaloo made a disgusted face."

3020222
>That is not how trains work, usually
This had me in absolute tears of laughter. I realize that the original intent of the author may have been to indicate that the regular train route included various scheduled stops, and there was an exception made in this case in the interests of expediency. Without clarification in the text, however, my mind immediately wandered to images of the normally rather sedate Ponyville Express with giant rockets strapped all over it, blasting along at 200mph.

3021438

Between "looks" and "before".

Nope. The conjunction 'before' is all you need. 'Onto' should be written as one word, though.

3020611

Oh you meant the CMC xD
I need to stop replying to comments at 2:00 AM :facehoof:

Don't tell me that this is about scoots being a changelling:trixieshiftleft: cuz that is weird:pinkiegasp: but that makes no...... well I guess I m writing a story when chrysalis has a pony filly sooooooooo:rainbowderp: ummm:twilightoops:.............

Either Scootaloo is a changeling, or Cadence is a creeper.

3021850
No, I meant AJ. Right at the beginning she says Cadance, Twi's foalsitter. But she hadn't been to Canterlot yet. SO she couldn't have known about that.

3021469
Also, train lines rarely have different routes. They can skip stops (Express) but they can't just jump the tracks and take a different route.

Interesting twist on the "Orphan Scootaloo" thing.

I would like to see more of this, so by all means, continue.

Now we start fimfictions favorite game! The time-honoured waiting game :P

Comment posted by Magatsu Orpheus deleted Aug 11th, 2013

@BLTmunch Well, that got nuked by the admins rather quickly... *Shrug*

3028105 Scootalingabuse... I like it!

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