• Member Since 30th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen 33 minutes ago

Timelord358


I'm just a guy who wants to write something worth reading.

T

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have been Dating for a while now, so they decide to go to the opening night of the first Daring Do movie, but when the projector breaks before the end of the movie they decide to break into the employees only section and "borrow" a copy of the film so they can see the ending.

This takes place between season 3 and season 4.

This is my entry for this contest.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 15 )

After a proofread it should be in good shape for the contest!

Also, Rainbow's pretty good at dodging questions.

4701875 if only my proof reader didn't ditch me on this, now I need to find some one new.

Whilst your proof-reader hasn't done this yet, here are most of the issues that I picked up on:

With two quick thank you's, The two of them started walking off in the direction of the theater, Twilight carrying there food and drinks in her lavender aura.

Their

"Tickets Please,"
the two of them looked forward to see a stallion standing at the entrance to the hallway, a pleasant smile on his face.

Capitals are incorrect. Please doesn't need capitalizing, and two does.

"Thanks," Rainbow said as they walked past him, they entered the theater and found two seats In the middle of the theater, about half way up, only a few other ponies were in the room.

You could break this up into two sentences, or use a colon to add this info.

"Finally, The Helm of Control will be mine!" He shouted To the mostly empty room.

Random capital letter.

A loud screeching sound Began to wail from the speakers, forcing everypony in the theater to cover their ears, Twilight casting a sound dampening field over herself and all the ponies around her, and the image on the screen started to flicker and warp, before the screen went dark completely.

Another random capital letter. Also, use a full stop because you can break this into two sentences

he said, befor a short burst of static signaled the end of his little speech.

You're missing an e.

Twilight just stared at Rainbow for a moment, her brain processing what she had just said, "Are... are you suggesting we Steel it?"

More random capital, and this should be steal.

"No, I'm just saying that we should Borrow it then return it before they notice it's gone."

...Capital letter...again...

on to their right, on to the left and one in front of them.

You're missing two e's.

The door slowly opened on well oiled hinges, as Rainbow pushed on it, Revealing a cluttered room, miscellaneous items were every where, along with roughly thirty boxes strewn across the room, a tall, earth pony stallion, slept in a chair, he was wearing a dark blue jacket with a shield shaped badge pinned on to it.

I'm just going to re-write this below in orange.
Rainbow pushed on the door; it's well-oiled hinges making no sound. The door opened into a cluttered room with at least thirty boxes in no order around the edges and smaller objects around the floor. In the center of the room, a tall earth pony stallion sept in a chair. He was wearing a dark blue jacket with a shield shaped badge pinned to it and the words 'security' stitched below it.

Agonizingly slowly, Rainbow creeped into the room, Carefully choosing where to put her hooves to making sure the floor didn't creek.

...

"No, the guard saw me, so he'll know how to look for, But they haven't seen you, so you can get out of here with this," She said, handing the movie over to Twilight.

This should be who. I'm also now going to highlight unnecessary capitalisation in green.

"But what about you?! I can't just lea-" She was cut off as Rainbow REached out and pulled her into a deep kiss, the two of them momentarily lost each other, Time seemed to stop for them as if there was nothing else that mattered.

This should be a full stop.

4701982 I've just done the first paragraph Do you want me to do this one too?

I'm really sorry, but... I couldn't finish reading this. The idea was great and the plot sound. The characters were all acting similarly to how we'd expect with just the odd fluctuation. However, the spelling and the grammar kept throwing me off. Every time I got into the story another mistake would pop up and fling me violently out of it. Please, for your sake, consider getting a Beta or simply read over the story before submitting it. It would do wonders for your viewing count!

Thanks for reading (if you bothered). Good luck with any and all future stories!

4701982
Man, that sucks about your proofreader. This was a clever idea. Still entertaining, but a polish would come in handy.

4702902 Thanks, and if you could do the second chapter I would be very grateful, I'll also credit you in the long description.
4704449 I normally wouldn't even think of posting something before the grammar and spelling were good in it, but I needed to finish this and post it all by yesterday, so I didn't have much choice once my proof reader said he couldn't do it, but now the first chapter is better and Twilight_scratch might be doing the second chapter to.
4704567 thanks for the input.:twilightsmile:

Why did you draw me and Daring having quoitis?

Quoits:1:a game in which iron rings (or open iron rings) are thrown at a stake in the ground in the hope of encircling it; 2:game equipment consisting of a ring of iron or circle of rope used in playing the game of quoits.

Watch Big Bang Theory much?

....also it's "coitus."

5102931 yes I do like that show, and thanks for the correction
, I never did find anyone to proofread the second chapter.

"Alright, you go in that way, and I'll head in the front with my perception filtering spell on, see you on the in side,"
Did anyone else see the Dr Who reference?

This is the most I've ever written in such a short period of time... I feel like I could take on Super Man... If I fad a fully operational kryptonite mecha.

I think I can be of assistance.

Comment posted by Rainbow Prime deleted Jul 5th, 2016

"It doesn't change how we look, it just, filters us out of anypony how looks at us minds, making us where nopony wants to look.

Perception Filter! It's totally called a Perception Filter! Here it is!

Heh. If Daring Do ever found out about those pictures...:rainbowlaugh:

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