Neardy little fanfic reader who is trying to make her own. Love talking and you can allways feel free to send a PM.
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This is my entry to TwiDash competition: Blundy's Framed Challenge
Twilight and Rainbow Dash wake up one day, just to find that everypony hates them for things they don't remember doing! Now they must head out on jorney to find out why they don't rember doing all this things the citizens of Ponyville hate them for.
Edit: No prize for me in this competition, but this is the fastest story I've ever written!
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A TwiDash fic with a changeling tag? This should be interesting
That description is a war crime against grammar and spelling.
if you start with fixing the summary, then have your story on a few 'Changling' groups?
You sir, is in need of an editor and proofreader. The story really did start coherently, but things really flew through the window as it went on. Grammar errors became constant, the storyline went faster than a bike going down Mount Everest without brakes, Twilight and Rainbow's confessions to each other seemed awkward, and in the end, every single offended pony went on with the fact of the real offenders being changelings. I think that they would take some time to accept it, instead of immediately believing.
Also, why do you keep separating Applejack's and Fluttershy's names? Why? Could have been better, bro.
In fact, feel free to ask me for help, since I happen to proofread.
4161860
It is
4161959
I'll check it
4161990
Ok
4162049
Hmm, I'll take a look at fings... I'll contact you if I need help
4162361 Please, do contact me if you really need help. I'll be glad to help a fellow TwiDasher
4162361 this seems as if it is a story that could have been better in several chapters.
even if you may have to add more to it?
4162408
I've gotten a friend to promise to look at things, and she is actually siting and doing some edit right now!
I know the Grammar is very bad, but I'm still proude of this pice of work, because I have entered a fiction competition full of people with English as native language! that alone is much more than you'll ever expect from a 14 years old girl with English as foreign where I come from!
I actually became a TwiDasher while reading some TwiDash fics after deciding to join the competition!
4162538 Oh, so, you're not from an English-speaking country? I'm foreign too, I know how it feels. Well, I'll favorite this and check after your friend made the editing. Also, I don't think that age matters around here. I've seen 13 year old bronies writing better than bronies at the age of 20. Nonetheless, just lettin' you know that I'll be glad to help you with future projects.
4162580
Ok,what country? I'm Swedish!
No, but what I meant was that I'm still proud of what I accomplished. Even if it get's a million or more thumbs down!
4162638 Swedish, huh? Brazilian. You know, Brazil, South America? You said that you will still be proud of your work even if it hits a billion dislikes? That's a great mindset, and I can tell that you won't go down easily. You're a honorable person to follow.
4162679
I study Spanish in school, which means that you sooner or later at least have a quick run through on. A the countries in South America, as well as Mexico! 
You know, Brazil,South America?
Oh, I know where Brazil is!
Thanks for the follow, and I'm proude because when I was 12, I struggled to write a dcnt text on out tests in English, wich kept my grades low. When I was 13 I'd gotten better but still struggled. I loved reading fanfics, but couldn't imagine doing anything like that myself. One day I got a idea that wouldn't leave me alone. I sat down and started to write, and it became lunas diary. I've done more than I ever thought I would!
I'm not one to leave a dislike without an explanation, so here goes nothing.... Oh god where do I even begin?
The pacing was non existent the descriptions simply weren't there the characters felt off the dialogue was forced and the plot was jumpy and more often than not over exaggerated. The grammar was awful the spelling was too and don't even get me start on the punctuation. Awkward sentences threw out any chance of immersion you had left after the choppy flow - if you can even call that flow - and the story was predictable and bland. The confessions of love came way too soon and were simply unbelievable. The time frame was far too short with no explanation of how AJ found the changelings or captured them. Them going to Twilight's parents just doesn't make any sense. Why the hay would Ponyville not only kick them out of town but also try to kill them? I don't want to kill the people who are mean to me. Trixie was thrown in pointlessly and needlessly and the transitions made it feel like a slide show rather than a story.
The Twidash feelings developing are neither in the right order nor are they spaced out properly. They happen far too fast and just make the whole story feel off.
All in all... practice makes perfect. You need a lot of practice. Good luck with future stories.
I think.... that about covers it....
Apologies for the strong comment regarding the rough spelling. I didn't realize you weren't a native speaker. Having a native help edit (which you mentioned doing) is definitely the solution; you'll get better at the language with experience, and an editor is a good idea anyway.
I'm no judge for the contest, but the rules of entry explicitly state that each entry must be a minimum of 5,000 words. I'm afraid 4,236 words falls short of that by about 764 words.
Now let's move onto the fic itself.
I don't think you need to re-state what everyone knows is canon. This is like telling us that Princess Celestia is the princess of the sun, or that Applejack works at Sweet Apple Acres. It's pointless and redundant.
i.imgur.com/yp6XhNT.gif
Y'know, this is a really sensitive issue for a lot of people and I get the feeling that this story is not going to do a spectacular job handling it. Add that to the fact that every single pony has been apparently beaten about with the idiot stick, and you get a very rudimentary story here. I mean, you just have every single character sudden turn on Twilight and Rainbow. Yes, I get it's because racism, but these two are only two of the most outstanding characters in the Ponyville community. Learn how to drama.
Mmkay, random-ass Gandalf quote.
Applejacksorry, "Apple Jack" = balrog.Cliche romance building is cliche. Not that there's anything wrong with cliche (it's called cliche because people like it), just that it needs to be done well. Any feelings these two have for each other are completely contrived and have nothing to stand on.
Alright, so here you aren't clearly indicating who's speaking in the first instance. Just before the first instance of dialogue there Rainbow was speaking, so if that is Rainbow speaking again there then it should be in the first paragraph.
...Why?
Who?
Just pick one.
What.
Well that was glossed over entirely.
This fic is full of more quotes from stuff than it is of plot and story.
Yes! Because clearly when there have been no traces or indications that the two have romantic feelings about each other they must be in love! Just look at all of the non-existent signs! They're all pointing to loonyville! Oh dear I'm only halfway through this thing.
Learn how to verb tense.
There's a difference between being negative and exclaiming your surprise at a particular situation. More contrived drama is contrived.
I swear to god...
A good part of me finds it amusing how you have no real development when you have all of this time for development. What are the characters feeling? What's happening as they run for hours? Are they scared? What about their apparent feelings for each other? Throw me a goddamn bone.
Good news! In this story, they aren't!
Stahp.
So did you write this on your phone or something?
What the actual fuck. These guys were literally just throwing apples and trying to kill Rainbow Dash and Twilight just the other day.
Well, that de-escalated quickly.
What was that sound? Oh, nevermind, it was just the sound of any plot being ignored by the writer. Carry on. Or not. Apparently the fic is over.
4163751
well, then so be! I'll fix it!
Shit, I need more words!?
This fic is full of more quotes from stuff than it is of plot and story.
Yeas, yeas it is!
How do you spell Cheerielee?
Pomodoro
Who?
I made him up
“To boldly go where no pony has gone before” Rainbow Dash answered.
Star Trek reference
4163238
Well, I know this is bad, and I'm intending to fix much of it today.
4163287
It's ok, it IS bad!
4163751
Whoa... dude.... harsh....
although not entirely unjustified....
4165842
4165592
Okay, yes, I was overly harsh here. To the writer, I apologize for the bluntness of my words. I guess i read the fic at a bad time. What started as constructive criticism turned into an outright beating of your fic, which was unwarranted and rude. For that, I'm sorry.
Though that doesn't mean that my criticisms don't stand. Let me try again without being an angry douchebag. With regard to character spellings, a simple google search will help correct you if you are having difficulties spelling character names. Apple Jack should be Applejack, Flutter Shy should be Fluttershy, and Cheerielee should be Cheerilee (you have one too many e's). As for one of my non-raging comments above, I will reiterate it by saying that you missed a lot of opportunities for development to make the romance more believable. When they were running from the angry mob in Ponyville, what were they feeling? You do a lot in less than 5,000 words, and the pacing of the story suffers from it.
As for Pomodoro... you can't just make up a random-ass character and expect your audience to be cool with it. All it does is break the immersion of the story for readers and confuse us. If you want to include an OC, that's fine, but it has to be more than just a one-line thing. This would make more sense if you included some other pony that readers most likely know about.
And yes, I got that was a Star Trek reference, my comment was directed at the fact that it was yet another reference to something in your story. Having references is fine, and sometimes they can draw a good laugh if they are done correctly. What you have here, however, isn't. Your story is riddled with rather pointless references that just left me scratching my head.
Again, I sincerely apologize for the nastiness of my first comment. It was unwarranted and as a new writer you didn't deserve it. I'm rather ashamed to have left it in the first place. I hope you understand.
4166685
I understand, and it is okay. Your comment gave loads and loads of useful criticism, that I'll consider in the futur!
I enjoyed reading this. It may be a bit rushed but it kept me entertained and didn't annoy me.
4167020
Please, feel free to read it again, after the heavy editing, and I think you'll like it even more!
I... I'll be pretty direct: What did you change? Applejack is still Apple Jack, Fluttershy is still Flutter Shy, and some critical grammar errors are still present. You should have put the revised version. I would recommend reading some TwiDashes, and even I have got one, so, see if you can find time to read it. Read, and see if you can get inspiration (Inspiration, not idea stealing. People can get pissed off if you do it). I'm not being rude. I'm trying to help.
4168068
Yeas, I know that you're trying to help, and I appreciate it. I'm not a Experienced TwiDasher, in fact, I hadn't read a single TwiDash story before this one....
Applejack's still Apple Jack? Have to look at that.
4168110 Nor I am an experienced TwiDasher. I just gave it a try. Check it and see if you can improve your overall writing. And remember that I'll be there if you need help!
4168168
Thanks, your one of the nicest and mist honest persons I met so far on this site!
Wow! considering that I just read your first story just a minute ago I can tell that you have really grown as a writer! And in such a short time too! :D I really, really enjoyed reading this story! And it was really nice to see Twilight and Rainbow Dash's relationship blossom over the course of this story! I guess the only note that I would have for this story is the fact that the ending is given away in the middle of the story. When Twilight and Rainbow realize that it is a pair of changelings that is causing all this trouble it really takes away the mystery of this story! I wish you could have saved that reveal for the end of the story. Oh well, that's all small potatoes! Great work on this fic! I can tell that you put time and effort into this one. Keep it up :D
Also, this!
Firefly reference = instant fav :D
4352193
Wow, you're, like, one of the first persons to actually like this story. It became a bit rushed because of the time limit, but I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah, my mother helped me with that one. Glad you liked it!
Why would the changeling insult people? Don't they want love?
4679502
Well, in this case, they want WAR and CHAOS
I REALLY WANTED THESE TO BE THE VOYAGES OF TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND RAINBOW DASH, AS THEY BOLDLY WENT WHERE NO PONY HAS GONE BEFORE! Of course, this is probably not going to happen, but I still felt the need to put these clips into a comment along with my wish for what the story would be about along with this explanation.
5436967
Yes, this story suck. please go read Frozen tears of crystal or an adventure from a history book makes a comeback.
5437225
I'm sorry if you thought that is what I meant by my comment. It is not what i meant. the fiction was interesting enough for me to actually read it. However, the fiction was slightly irritating with how the Ponyville characters were all for believing the worst of Twilight and Rainbow Dash, that being said, the fiction didn't suck, it was just slightly irritating with how OOC Applejack and the rest of the Mane 6 (the ones that turned against Twilight and Rainbow Dash) were acting. The only fictions that I feel suck, are fictions that are incomplete, or on hiatus, or cancelled. as yours is complete, yours doesn't suck.
5437330
thanks for the kind comment, but I'm still in the pinion that it sucks.
5437420
Well, like I said, as far as I am concerned, as long as a story is complete, then I am more than willing to put up with anything! Well, almost anything. But I'm not going to go into specifics about what I won't put up with.
5437476
Glad to hear that. Check out some of my newer stories, though, as they will be better. Almost everything except Twilight, Luna, Celestia and Discord go to a festival was seriously done.
Hey! Don't say this "got out of hoof"! This was amazing! Not Kodeake of ModMCdl amazing, but amazing nontheless.
6268953
Stop. Right. Now. You LIKED it?! Not even I like this story. Go read something I've written that's worth reading instead!
6270397 I'm just saying it was decent. Could be because I read this around midnight....but if I liked it the first time enough to give it a like, I'm not questioning what my mind was thinking when I was tired. Besides, people like the story I've started writing even if I think it sucks. It's how the brain works; you'll always be your hardest critic.
6270578
Well, thank you, then, I guess, but I"d really like if you'd go read Teach me to trust again, C'est la vie - That’s Life or Friendship carried through the ages
6270708 I'm currently on a quest to read 700 TwiDash stories before the end if summer. I've got 2 weeks left and I started about a week and a half ago. I've read about half of that 700. I'll take a look later unless they're TwiDash. Then I'll check them ASAP since I'll read them anyways.
6271352
Well, I see. PM me and I can link so really good material
6271366 ok. I'll just let you know, I may have already read alot of good ones. Just to let you know, I'm including the clop ones as well since there isn't 700 teen and everyone rated TwiDash. Hope you'll have some good one!
6271409
Alright. I have one particular in mind, that REALLY should be read in case you haven't
Wait, 2 days and a few weeks... and they're getting married already?! It may take months to actually decide to get engaged. Either that or their relationship is just all sunshine and rainbows.
Good story nonetheless! Keep up the good work!
It should be Fluttershy.
Also I like how Fluttershy saves Twilight.
LOL!