- Member Since 19th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 18th, 2018
r0bosaur
I'm actually a super-intelligent dog wearing glasses.
r0bosaur
Joined 19th Feb, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You need a bit of work, but this story has wonderful potential. I look forward to more.
Not a bad start. Two problems. Not as bad one first: the pacing is kinda fast. Next: whenever someone new speaks you need to start a new paragraphs. Fix these two things and this could turn out nicely. Good luck. Ill be tracking
oohh humanized appledash. i hope there's a side of twipie too considering the characters tagged.:
Great personality development! I truly am waiting for the next chapter, and BTW its good to write a story for fun, 'cause if its not fun, then its just bulls*it!
Awwww! You need to write more
Pwease?
Nice. Well written, good characters, interesting exposition, can't wait for part 2
2451444
Twilight and Pinkie are kinda just side characters, but there's in it enough that I figured I would tag them as well.
2451255
Thanks for the advice. I wrote this on the fly without much thought going into editing, so it's more or less slapped together haphazardly. I hope you can bear my sloppy editing long enough to enjoy the story.
"Then Dash kissed AJ."
Hook, line, and sinker.
You got yourself a favorite.
2454569 's all good bra. This chapter was much better
Another great chapter. I'm really getting into this fic. Glad you updated so quickly not sure how long I could've waited XD so many fics take forever to update so this was a nice surprise keep on going.
Great chapter!
Please tell me this story also has twipie, the subtle hints are killing me
2455999
No, sorry. I added Pinkie and Twi as tags because they're secondary characters, but I seem to be confusing people. I'll remove the character tags if they don't have any action.
The part with AJ's Tourettes....the jimmies have been rustled. MOAR! XD
Haha loved it. The Tourette's thing was hilarious. Also sad face for the longer waiting period for updates :( oh well at least it's still fairly constant can't wait for moar
2458053
Yeah, but I figured you would rather have a better quality story over a longer period than a lesser quality story quickly.
Well it's been pretty high quality so far. So if you're just increasing the quality then good X) this is gonna be a gret fic
AJ...
You naughty girl.
HARD ASS MODE, ENGAGE!!!
When it comes to a first time (all kinds of puns in there...) this was a decent sex scene. I felt it was lacking description, however. Also, the pace was rather fast. Granted, this IS RD we're talking about, but she is also clearly into sex in this fic. Maybe there would have been some more exploring for AJ with a more than willing Dash. What it comes (ha) down to is this: There is a great deal of talent here; it just needs a little practice.
EASYGOING CALIFORNIAN TEEN MODE, ACTIVATE!
All in all, I really liked it. The Tourettes, bro...
Funny and sexy, like me.
At least, that's what I've been told.
I look forward to the rest.
2459050
Thanks for the critique! I do in fact get more descriptive with the sex scenes as I go along, and the scenes themselves get more inventive. Perhaps I wrote it this way to parallel the evolving relationship between RD and AJ? No. No I didn't.
Also keep this in mind: I wrote this first and foremost as a romantic story, THEN a clop story. So while the focus is mostly on the relationship, there's plenty of sex coming up that I think will please everybody.
2459272
I totaly get ya on the romance before clop angle, the one I prefer to anything else. Makes me like a story that much more. Also, I'm ready and willing to help out any way I can.
(Compasion is in my nature and whatnot.)
2459405
I'm taking any and all advice into consideration, and I'm keeping it all in mind as I edit and write my next story.
2459425
Like I said, I'll be here.
Friggin amazing man! I wish that I had talent like this! My charicters always have spiraling relationships, THIS IS AWESOME!!! Like I said before, amazing charicter development!
(Note: haven't read this story yet)
Welcome to the fandom! I notice you are quite new, so welcome to the herd! Or at least the herd here at Fimficion.... Anyways, I will be giving this good looking story a read and will let you know what I think
Once again, welcome!
Decent, if rushed, story so far. Though one little thing to keep in mind, always -- and I mean always -- start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. You do not have dialogue from two people in one paragraph ever.
Gahh damnit AJ!
2465853
Well bear with it in this story. Think of it as being one of the quirks of a bad editor.
Why do I feel like Twilight will get dragged into the whole "sex" thing at somepoint? Not with Dash, per say, but at somepoint?
2467975
Honestly I was thinking about it, but I ended up not going for that angle. Maybe in the future Twilie will get some action. Who knows?
2468095
Giggity.
Perhaps one-shot worthy?
If it comes (pun intended) to that, I'll be happy to help.
2468193
Yeah that sounds cool. I'm focusing on another story right now, but I haven't gotten too far yet, so we'll see what happens.
10 inch...
That's a monster! I'l take it on!
So... reading this is programming class has some advantages... mainly the computer loads faster than at home, but containing the squee of joy at the last line proved a bit too challenging this time
2476940
I give you mad props for reading this at school. Takes guts, kid.
2476570
HOW KINKY.
Anyway, D'aww!!! They're gonna try to make it work! Cain't wait for the next chapter!
)
(Speaking of Twilight: me gusta.
Well... I'm glad I decided to read this story. It's actually quite interesting, if a little fast paced.
Yes.... Yes I love Shower sex man! It's like, a secret fetish of mine.... How did you know?
Also, amazing chapter and I can't wait to come back and see what you have planned for later.
2479136
Who doesn't like a wet and wild romp in the shower with two sexy ladies? It's kind of a no-brainer.
Also, in regards to your previous comment: the pacing is relatively fast throughout the whole story, but I get a bit more comfortable slowing down a bit in upcoming chapters.
I hope you continue to like it!
Getting all kinds of lols and feels from this lil' story here ^_^ kinda nice even though it seems a bit rushed . Any how look forward to stalking you and your story to see how you both advance.
Mane Medic
I'm not a fan of humanized MLP but I'm happy I took the chance and clicked on this. Keep it coming.
2479352
Thanks bro! The only way I can write sexy times if if they're humans. Writing about horses having sex makes me feel dirty.
In a bad way.
Wow.....Keep updating, but so far this is really good!!
Lols the Lols , nice chapter thought , still felt a bit rushed bit seems to be getting better . So I'm still going to stalk you ^_^
Mane Medic
Yeah, just like chopsticks and soup go hand in hand.
Anywho, another good-lookin' chapter.
Keep it up.
2495290
That's just me showing off my amaaaaaazing talent at writing dialogue.
2495293
Oh lawdy. I legit woke up a minute before reading this....my sides! Where have they gone!
2495311
I always start my day with buttsex. It's the only way I can face the day.