Not a bad start. Two problems. Not as bad one first: the pacing is kinda fast. Next: whenever someone new speaks you need to start a new paragraphs. Fix these two things and this could turn out nicely. Good luck. Ill be tracking
Great personality development! I truly am waiting for the next chapter, and BTW its good to write a story for fun, 'cause if its not fun, then its just bulls*it!
So... reading this is programming class has some advantages... mainly the computer loads faster than at home, but containing the squee of joy at the last line proved a bit too challenging this time
Alright, looks like I'm running edits then. “follow me, partner.” Capitalization “same goes for you.” See above, I think. Not sure if you did that on purpose. a pair of hand Unless Pinkie is an amputee then should be hands. Then Dash kissed AJ Period after AJ, although that's really moot point.
I think a story just about the party and what happened would be a great fic on it's own. I would like to know if I could try to do that (I don't want to write it and you not know)
Also, does Rainbow Dash have wings? If so does twilight and rarity have horns? I thought that was a type of anthro? Oh well! Great story anyway!
You need a bit of work, but this story has wonderful potential. I look forward to more.
Not a bad start. Two problems. Not as bad one first: the pacing is kinda fast. Next: whenever someone new speaks you need to start a new paragraphs. Fix these two things and this could turn out nicely. Good luck. Ill be tracking
oohh humanized appledash. i hope there's a side of twipie too considering the characters tagged.:
Great personality development! I truly am waiting for the next chapter, and BTW its good to write a story for fun, 'cause if its not fun, then its just bulls*it!
Awwww! You need to write more Pwease?
Nice. Well written, good characters, interesting exposition, can't wait for part 2
2451444
Twilight and Pinkie are kinda just side characters, but there's in it enough that I figured I would tag them as well.
"Then Dash kissed AJ."
Hook, line, and sinker.
You got yourself a favorite.
So... reading this is programming class has some advantages... mainly the computer loads faster than at home, but containing the squee of joy at the last line proved a bit too challenging this time
Alright, looks like I'm running edits then.
“follow me, partner.”
Capitalization
“same goes for you.”
See above, I think. Not sure if you did that on purpose.
a pair of hand
Unless Pinkie is an amputee then should be hands.
Then Dash kissed AJ
Period after AJ, although that's really moot point.
I think a story just about the party and what happened would be a great fic on it's own. I would like to know if I could try to do that (I don't want to write it and you not know)
Also, does Rainbow Dash have wings? If so does twilight and rarity have horns? I thought that was a type of anthro? Oh well! Great story anyway!
so we know for sure that rd and pinkie like girls
To bad you didn't have drunk science.