Serenade

by Bandy

Moonlight Serenade (Finale Part 2)

The ring of ponies surrounding you blocks any chance of escape. Your assailant, the same stallion who beat you senseless no more than a week ago, now circles you like a shark. "Nowhere to run, pipsqueak. Whatcha gonna do?"

You chuckle nervously. "Well, judging by the abnormality of your stature and your absolutely atrocious grammar, I'd say you aren't very intelligent. So, my plan is to steer you into a battle of wits rather than a physical engagement, therefore tilting the odds of this tousle in my favor."

Your opponent just stares at you, mouth agape slightly. "Wait... what?"

"Exactly," you continue. "so if you would be so kind as to let me go, I will be on my way-" No sooner have the words left your mouth than a pair of powerful hind legs smash into you. Thankfully, you remain conscious, but you note a disturbing amount of pain coming from your head.

"Okay," you mutter, shaking off the blow, "guess that won't work."

The smirk returns to your attacker's face. "You ain't gonna fool me with all that fancy vocabulur... vocabular... all that fancy talk of yours!" He begins to run towards you. "Time to fight," he spits out.

Thinking quickly, you slide to the left at the last possible moment, leaving a hoof jutting out in the stallion’s path. Just as you expected, he misses you completely, running into your outstretched hoof and falling flat on his face. The crowd lets out a collective 'oooh!'

The fall only succeeds in making him angrier. He immediately returns to his hooves, a look of pure rage in his eyes. You only have time to stutter "Uh-oh," before he is upon you again, swinging his hooves blindly. However powerful he is, he is still too angry to make coordinated blows, and you dodge them with ease.

"Come on!" he snarls. "Hold still!"

"Not a chance, bub," you quip, tripping him once again. Despite being able to fend him off, you are in no position to actually beat him. He is simply too big for you to handle alone. You silently thank Celestia that he doesn't have backup.

The stallion cuts your thoughts short by rearing up on his hind legs and bucking you square in the chest, throwing you backwards into a table full of food. Pies and cakes of multitudinous shapes and colors sail up into the air, raining down on the assembled crowd. Wild boos fill the room as ponies cover themselves from the airborne confectionery assault.

You reel from the hit, barely moving as your adversary rises to his hooves and pants heavily. "I'm gonna kill you, pipsqueak!" he spits as he staggers toward you. Desperate for some sort of advantage, you simply stare blankly as he comes closer and closer.

Just as he reaches you, you lash out violently with your left hoof, hitting the stallion square in the family jewels. His face contorts in agony, and he lets out a subdued squeak as he collapses to his knees. The crowd lets out a collective “oooh”. You stand up and shove a pie in his face, eliciting cheers from the crowd. The stallion, realizing he has lost, falls over to the ground. He curls up in a fetal position, moaning softly in pain.

The crowd goes nuts, ponies whooping and hollering excitedly. You pay it no mind, however, as you only have one thing on your mind: Rarity. You push your way through the crowd, desperately scanning the throng for any sight of her.

You burst out of the building and onto the street, throwing your head from side to side in a search for Rarity. Finding nopony but a few odd couples talking quietly amongst themselves, you run up to the first pony you see.

"Have you seen Rarity? Unicorn, purple mane, white coat?"

The pony is a bit offset by your raggedy appearance. "Uh, yeah. She got tossed out here a little while ago. She ran off that a way over there," he points in the general direction of Carousel Boutique. "Looked like she was cryin'."

Your heart sinks as your blood turns to ice. You've caused all this craziness, all this heartache. You and your stupid grudge match may have just cost you the best mare all of Equestria. Tears brimming from your eyes, you gallop off towards the Boutique, ignoring the pain from the multiple injuries you have sustained from the fight.

Injuries will heal. Her heart won't, You speed through town, the late night blanketing the houses in an inky blackness. Of all the stupid, terrible things you could have done, this has to be the absolute worst possible thing.

You feel like you have ice dripping down your neck. Why did you have to just dump her aside like last week's trash, all for what? The chance to hurt another pony. Rarity wanted to help you, and you just left her. Your own ignorance and gall stings you as tears begin to stream down your face. She was really something special. WAS something special. You went and screwed it all up, remember?

You finally spot the boutique, not stopping to regain your composure as you burst through the door with a clatter. "Rarity!" you struggle to speak as all the running finally catches up to you. "Hello?" You stand in in the foyer for a moment, coughing and forcing your lungs to take in the air your body craves. You straighten as your breathing steadies, looking around you. The place is completely dark save the sickly light of the moon weaving through the curtains and throwing several iridescent shadows across the room.

That's when you hear the crying.

Soft sobs emanate from upstairs, their mournful tones causing more tears to well in your eyes. You caused that. It's all your fault.

You push off and run up the stairs, hardly flinching as you run through the door and into Rarity's room.

The moon shines brightly through an open window, creating a spotlight of opalescent light on the floor. The night darkens the rest of the room. You turn to find the form of Rarity laying atop her bed, crying softly into a pillow.

You rush to her bedside. "Rarity, I-" A pillow is shoved into your face by a blue aura of magic, silencing you.

"You just left me. Just tossed me out when you didn't need me there," she stammers in-between choked sobs. "All over some stupid grudge, no less!" She convulses slightly with sobs, but she quickly composes herself. "I needed you, and what did you do? You had me crowd surfed out of the situation! You left me when I so desperately needed you next to me," she said, "And that is unforgivable. Please, just leave." Her hand gestures over to the exit, and she renews her muffled sobbing.

All this is too much. Your voice cracks, and you start to cry. "I had a reason, you know."

Almost as soon as you say this, she puts your face to hers, her eyes shooting daggers into yours. "And what was that, huh? Abandoning your marefriend in a time of need so you can go off and duke it out with some thug? What reason could you possibly have for doing that?" Despite the darkness of the room, she practically glows with fury.

"Because I can't stand the thought of losing you!" you no longer attempt to hold back your tears as they streak down your face. "That thug wanted to kill the both of us... if anything happened to you under my responsibility, I don't know how I would ever forgive myself!"

"Oh, so that's how it is," she snarls. "I'm just the helpless mare, and you're the knight in shining armor come to save me? I have news for you, mister: I am perfectly well off by myself. I don't need you!"

The words feel like venom, poisoning your thoughts and actions. You hang your head reluctantly. "You're right. You don't need me." She looks up, surprised at your agreement. "You are independent, witty, beautiful... you are absolutely perfect in every way, shape and form. You don't need me at all." you pause, wiping away the tears on your face.

“Darling,” she begins, tossing around on the bed. The moonlight across her long mane looks so gorgeous. “I...” She sturggles for words, feeling just as emotional as you.

"I need you." you turn slowly. "I had no intention of hurting you like this. It pains me terribly to see you like this. If you really think you're better off without me... Then, I'll go. I just..." Your voice cracks again. "I love you, Rarity. I really, truly love you with every fiber of my being. I want you to be happy no matter what, even if that means being without me." you lean on the door heavily. "Goodnight."

"Wait."

Your eyes open at the word. You turn again to see Rarity standing at the foot of the bed. Makeup has smeared all along your face, and her cerulean eyes are still wet with tears. "Do you really mean all that? I've had the whole 'I love you' line played on me so many times..."

You smile sadly. "Absolutely. I want you to be happy, and if that means having me out of the picture, then I will oblige. I just want you to be the best you can possibly be. I'd probably just hold you down anyway." You squeeze out a final tear, then sigh. "I'll just go-"

"Don't." Rarity pulls herself closer to you. "Thinking back about us, I realized that I was truly happy when I was with you. Not just through the good times either. I was happy when I found you the morning after you got beat up over me. I was happy when my friends assaulted you because they didn't know we were dating. I was happy when I found out you slept in alleys. I wasn't happy because of what happened then," she squeaks, "I was happy because I was with you. What you did was bad for sure, but despite it all, I don't want to lose you over it. You make me happy, and I never want that feeling to end."

"So," you stammer, "Does this mean you forgive me?"

She laughs slightly. "Heavens, no."

Your face falls, but you perk up almost instantly as you feel the feathery softness of her lips connect with yours. "I'm willing to let you make it up to me, though."

Your eyes flit over the spotlight of moonlight in the corner. "I have an idea." Your horn glows, filling the room with a red light. With a pop and a fizz, your saxophone appears behind you, suspended by a red aura of magic. You move into the moonlit patch of floor before offering Rarity your hoof. "Would you like to dance?"

She giggles, walking over to you as she dries her eyes. "You are ridiculous." You lock eyes as the saxophone begins to play a soft, sleepy melody, filling the room with the sound. Slow and gentle notes fill the room as you gently sway with the rhythm. Rarity gently nuzzles her head into your shoulder, sighing as you softly stroke her mane.

You lose all semblance of time. You can only thought the mare snuggled against you, gently moving in time with the music. Dancing with the mare you love.

Dancing, in a moonlit serenade.

Well, it’s over. I'd like to personally thank each and every one of you who read this story. It really makes me happy to see that you enjoyed my work so much.

I’d like to thank the following people who tracked the story:
125ironmaiden
6or4strings93
AcreuBall
AdamJensen-I want your drum set
akassan
Alchemic
Alvinsaur
anhero
Armada
asr3
Aucelot
AwesomeSauce57-You named my next story
Balancia
Bloodyfeather23
BlueBlazes
Bronzedragon
Brotisserie Chicken
Budinsky
CaecusDaemon
Cammacho
Castel
Celuna
Cold Front
cr4zy4zn
Crossgun
Da Dr P3PP3R
darkironyoshi
DashiexX
DJ-CRUSAD3R
DovahShy
Draetenth
Dwarfpunch
Eric7395
eviltomby
FazzinaW
Flutterguy_6996
Fox McCloud
Frizzy
GeneralGriffon
Gimli McBrony-You spot all my musical references
Glassed-Your avatar is adorkable
Gungnir7
hellfire
Hivemind-You didn't hesitate to point out my mistakes, and for that I thank you. Also, you made the first comment on my story.
Howitzer
hyourei
ImdahPwny
IndigoAura
JediSpiritMonk
jingles
Jolting8
Joseph
Just that Awesome
Kaelzoroden
Kirbyman100-Please don't drown me in Kirby's again. It was... unpleasant.
Kody910
LCProdigy
LeifGram
Lemming
lilsprout
Lonewanderer118
Lucky Smores
lurker234
ManDace
MandaTestMan
Mapleteal
marioandsonic
MC
Midnight Moon
Mixrz
Morning Frost
NaturalGlitch
Nichwolff
Nimbus
notacamper
NukaColaBomb
obrimos
OmegaBrony
OminousBrony
Oryutzen
OtakuMegane
Princess Lulu
Pyromanecer
RainbowsCrush
randomdude678
Rodek
Samusbot
ScootzTheRipper
senior-irish
Setrin
Slime
speckillz-I'm really sorry I didn't get a chance to use your music suggestion. If it's any consolation, Dancing in the Moonlight is on my iPod now.
spottideyes234-Good luck on your book
Starfall-We're married! Yay!
StarvingGremlin
Steelquill-I accidentally made "You" the exact same as... you. Weird.
SwiperTheFox-You are the greatest. Literally. Prepare yourself for that upcoming Strawberry cameo... It's gonna be epic.
Taddy
The Dreaming Immortal
ThePhantomWriter
thepony
thewaffler
the_scrap
Thunder twister
torrentialCAM
Tough Luck
Troypony
Valientbug
walkman
Whirring Gears
Wind Whistler is love
wrangel
Xennsid
Yokal
youngbrony
Zeraphim
ZettaLux
Zoom
Zuckess

I’d like to thank these guys/gals for favoriting this story:

ClovenHoof
Longshot
ManDace
notacamper
OminousBrony
The Writer of Fate
the_scrap
walkman
NaturalGlitch
Oryutzen
Hivemind
Howitzer

I'd like to give a special thanks to SwiperTheFox, whose magical proofreading powers and encouragement helped make this story possible.

Thank you all.

Comments

[Alchemic]

*slow clap*

[Frizzy]

I have never read a fic where the author thanked all the readers who tracked he story by listing each one of them. Thank you, that made me feel good. This was an entertaining read. I hope you make more great stories.

[MC BR0N3]

Real nice story. You never let us down.
BRAVO!

[Bandy]

310548 D'aww. You all made me feel special, I just thought I could make you feel special.

[OminousBrony]

fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/166/8/1/pinkie_pie_clapping_by_mihaaaa-d3izc63.gif
Bravo my good sir. Truly a great fic you have written.

[Bandy]

310564 Hooray for Pinkie Gifs!

[Discontinued]

310575 thank you for the luck but not many people liked it so the second book i made was cancelled

[Bandy]

310674 oh no! I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope that you find success eventually.

[Hivemind]

*sees special recognition in thank you list*

GREAT story! I loved the ending!

[Discontinued]

310680 thanks bra and i meant to put a rarity cry

[Discontinued]

>310680 would you like to read my books? the first book is called sorry dash the second is were back

[Bandy]

310707 Consider them read

[Discontinued]

310711 thank you and give me your honest opinion k

[Bandy]

310725 okie dokie lokie!

[Discontinued]

310730 friends?

[Bandy]

310741 Friends.

[Swagg]

Wow, you actually listed all the names of people tracking this (amazing-awesome-one-of-a-kind) fic that makes me totally jelly??
You, my man, are awesome

(btw, I was sure I was gonna get my butt kicked in that fight o.o')

[Bandy]

310816 Are you kidding? I would never let you get killed in a fight to end the story... that's just lazy writing.

[Midnight-Moon]

310746 Its over? Why is it over? Why have storys like that an end?

[Bandy]

310823 Don't worry, I'm working on a new 2nd person romance fic to fill the void. My blog has more details.

[Swagg]

310822 haha, well, dancing with Rarity is definately a better ending than going to hospital xD

[Bandy]

310849 No argument there. I hate hospitals.

[The Writer of Fate]

All I can say is...
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/gas_mask_kid_8183.jpg

Are you my mummy?

P.S. Where was Sweetie Bell in all this?

[Grainne Ni Bhroin]

Thank you for writing this amazing story

[Bandy]

310977 thank you for reading it.

[Discontinued]

310746 SO AWESOME

[asr3]

not too shabby.

[Awesome Sauce]

That ending was glorious! Loved it and this whole story so thanks for that (totally knew I'd kick that guy's ass) it's just such a shame it's over now

Can't wait for your next one, I just know it's gonna be EPIC and if you ever need any more help you know how to reach me

upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/c6/Bat-signal_1989_film.jpg

Thanks for the ride bandbrony

PS. You thanked everyone? Literally everyone! You are just too awesome and are the one who deserves thanks. So thank you bandbrony, you're super awesome

[Glassed]

It is adorkable, ain't it?
Loved the story, really sweet! Might just go back and read it again now.
*Looks at the rest of the new updates*
Oh dear... That might have to wait for a bit
Great story, I'll favorite it and give a thumbs up
-Glassed

[Swagg]

310863 Ikr?! They're so freakin' formal in what they do and stuff, one time they made me get escorted out in a wheelchair after fracturing my shoulder ... I didn't even take any pain killers, I mean, what was the point of the chair?!!?!

Anyway, rambling now. I really wanna see more awesomeness form you so... *watch*

[Hyper Futas Are Great]

"Kirbyman100-Please don't drown me in Kirby's again. It was... unpleasant."
I lol'd so hard when I read that.

[Bandy]

311565 ba-na na-na na-na na-na ba-na na-na na-na na-na BATMAN!!!

[Thunder twister]

Wow, that is ALOT of trackers. It was a good story, I'm sorry to see the end.

Crap, I am hopeless at comments...

[SwiperTheFox]

sadpanda.us/images/871799-2XW2D6C.jpg

[Jolting8]

I'll have to re-read this story at one point, thank you for making it, it was an awesome read.

Peace out - Jolting8

[Bandy]

312752 D'aww, cute rainbow is cute.

[The Legist]

good ending! and you cant have my drums!!!
bluntobject.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/kane-slow-clap.gif?w=655

[SwiperTheFox]

Hey, you broke the 1,000 view mark! Awesome!

[Gmode]

Well, it's done....

The best story I have ever heard is done....

So many of my favorite songs were in it....

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN THANK ME FOR HELPING SUGGEST MOON RIVER IN THE FINAL THANKS!

[Bandy]

328300 You hold a special place in my heart, Mr. Brougham

[SwiperTheFox]

Oh, I didn't favorite it yet! Silly me! *favorites*

[Gmode]

328372 "A special place in your heart."

SAY WHAAAAA?!

[Bandy]

337327 thanks for pointing that out. Fixed!

[Bandy]

348146 If hard bop's your type of thing, I'd suggest "Sing Sing Sing (With a swing)" by the Benny Goodman Orchestra. It's easily the craziest jazz tune ever. Wailing trumptes abouding!

[Bandy]

352188That was my earliest attempt at a story, and it was absolutely TERRIBLE. I wouldn't suggest reading it.

[CosmicAfro]

I'm really glad I decided to take a leap and read this because it was certainly worth the pay off. That last line was cunning, I'll give you that. So, even though this comment will be just over three weeks late, I've decided to give an uber review for fun. And you'll enjoy every word of it

Grammar usage
There were a few grammatical errors (a you instead of a your is the most prominent example I can think of off the top of my head) and there were quite a few punctuation mistakes. Thankfully many of these weren't glaring and it's mostly simple fixes. I bet if you looked through this one more time you'd find a majority of them. Or of course if you're as lazy as I am, you'll ask me to do it for you which is acceptable, actually. Outside of mistakes, this was solid. You kept to the second person structure very well.

Intuitiveness/originality
A saxaphone playing unicorn I'll admit is a wonderful idea. A saxaphone is an awesome instrument that can be played simply or notes can be variegated which I feel reflects a lot about our protagonist. The night clubs and the fighting brought a clear sense of individuality, daring to trek into the more violent side of ponydom that few authors can do well. However, it falters when it comes to romance originality. Girl meets guy, guy defends girl from fight, girl falls hopelessly in love and guy is pretty suave. I'll go back to his character in the next section. There wasn't any real , I could tell exactly what was going to happen next plot wise. It's not wrong, this was still a wonderful story, but it was a smidge predictable. That isn't always a bad thing of course, sometimes we need a love story we can get into without expcting intricate plot devices. I'll leave this on a good note: you ended the last fight scene "like a bawss." Also, the Pinkie Pie lines about cameos were brilliant too.

Characterization
Unfortunately, most of this is opinionated so please bear with me. Rarity was -mostly- spot on. We've seen Rarity break her elegent rouse plenty of times in the show and I was really hoping to see her perform some freak-out here when her stallion was fighting. But you went for the softer side and made her tear-jerky. I'll grant that you did provide some backstory with her giving details about ponies wanting to (ab)use her, but you also pointed out that this guy wasn't like other guys. Wouldn't she have really fought for him?

Twilight, though brief, didn't have much personality added to her but she wasn't relative to the plot by much so I won't badger you about that.

Pinkie Pie, outside of her fourth wall breaks, was very spot on in my opinion. But, she's also best pony so that hazes my opinion of how she's portrayed in my own mind. To be fair, and since she also wasn't too relevent to the story outside of the party, I won't say anything more.

The main protagonist... oh my. I wanted to root for him a lot more than I did. He's a wonderful character who mostly seemed stoic except for breaking out into song at which point he commanded crowds. He seems like a nice guy but that's all I can really say about him.

Plot development
The chapters were short but it's difficult making lengthy "you" stories that keep an audience interested. In fact, with these, I prefer shorter stories. The pacing was, at times, a little rushed. Topping off at 20k words? I'm impressed. The romance went a little too fast in my opinion but I'm also forgoing Rarity visiting him at the bar before the story began when I say this. I'm not so sure about the timing, but they fell in love over... a week or two? That's a relatively short time. If that's not the case and I misread something (which is very possible) please prove me wrong.

How believable it is
Outside of the time span issue, this was believable. It was genuine and relatively awesome. You get a moustache.

Descriptive language
This is getting lengthy, so I'll hurry this up. This had a fair balance of show and tell which is appropriate for 2nd person narratives. Characters returning was great and the night sky scenes were always crafted quite well.

In Total:
One thumb
4.5 stars
Doesn't quite solicit a favorite from me, but it's definitely worth a read.
Very well done and I'm glad you submitted this to "The Writer's Group". I never would have found this if I didn't.

Cheers
~Cosmic.

[Bandy]

396054 Thank you for taking the time to go so in-depth with this critique. I can't say I'll really go over this for glaring errors unless I end up sending it over to EqD or something (spoiler alert-I probably won't). But none the less, I really appreciate people pointing out my flaws so that I can improve upon them.
Did that sound generic and bland? I think it did. Oh well, you gave me a moustache, so I'm set either way!

[Bandy]

Wow, 7,000 views. You ponies are amazing.... *sniff*

[kjaslwod]

Okay, here we go again. I had unfortunately no time to write a proper review, and at the moment it's again quarter to 11 PM. The following review got written over the timespan of two days, since it's easter and I have some certain responsibilities.

I'm planning on going by the aspects and guidelines given on the frontpage of the group.
So firstly, I am going to scrutinize the plot aspects.
Honestly, there isn't much plot. The idea is nice, a second person story with a musician as protagonist, but it's very similar to other romance novelle. Furthermore, the story arc was very straightforward, to be more precise, you introduced the two main characters, they danced a bit, they feel the spark of the moment and then depart. Afterwards the protagonist saves his love from the thugs, gets beaten up, yada yada yada. So generally, the lead character had in chapter one the opportunity to meet his love, being completely oblivious of her demeanor, and rescue her from the antagonist of even the finale. Then in chapter two he finds out that his musical instrument has a broken key, something that would let every normal thinking musician freak out - I'm going to say something about this later on. But he shrugs it off, and before he loses consciousness once again, he fortunately finds Rarity and her friend Twilight Sparkle. Straightforward. Oh well, I'm not going to recapitulate every single chapter, but I think you'll get the point with the next scene. The kiss scene. So, Rarity has bad memories with stallions, and she got nearly abused the night before. She kisses a stallion she found as the main musician in a bar, after barely getting to know him. She knows only so much the protagonist tells her in the date scene, which takes place after the 'kiss- and beginning of the relationship'-scene. The pacing is way too fast. This is a development other authors would barely get in 20000 words. So, back to the 'Rarity has bad memories with stallions'-aspect. Still, she falls head over hock for the protagonist. Well, that guy's lucky. So anyways, everything very fast paced, very generic. The climax of the story is from a fight induced drama, fitting for Rarity, but a normal guy wouldn't get the insight the protagonist did, and with normal guy, I mean every guy. It hit the mindset of Rarity to a T, but as I said, not from a guy. He'd be more likely be astonished by the move pulled by Rarity. Okay, something I should have inserted earlier, but do it here now, is the house-shopping scene. So, they barely know each other for, let us be generous, one week. That's a big pace for each of them, but moreso for the traveling musician who was out of the normal daily life for a long time. The whole incident should have enticed an other reaction, anyway. The whole story had only one twist, and that was at the end, as the planned climax. You could have given it a little bit more time, a timespan of a month e.g., a little bit more non-romantic things, background information of Rarity, or at least any proper characterization. So, I'm going to advance to the next aspect, who would have guessed, characterization.
I'm going to go from the smallest to the biggest roles, so let us begin with Applejack. It's a nice idea to let her play the guardian, but it would fit more with Rainbow Dash. Take a look at the beginning of episode two of season 1 of the actual show. Rainbow Dash is the aggressive one, and Applejack is the first who calms her down and lets Twilight Sparkle talk. Given the circumstances that her friends know of Rarity's problems with stallions it could entice such a reaction, but else this isn't a good choice of a character, but not characterization, since you wanted to move on with that incident.
Next in line is Twilight Sparkle herself, she had the opportunity to let her adorkable behavior shine in three scenes. I won't say that she's on the spot, but I can say that it was amusing to see her play a naïve role. In that matter it is well chosen, but since there isn't any point she's got the opportunity to play a key actor, she could have easily been replaced with Fluttershy. So, I can't say that the characterization is good, it's decent.
The Pure and Petite is the next thing I'm coming to. You may roll your eyes now, but as the location where they found each other it is a vital aspect for the quality of the story. You firstly characterized it as a stuffy high-class establishment. Later on it was a stuffed disco. You should decide what you want to do with introduced things. This was really lacking.
Let's see... I'm going to skip the thugs, or I am going to sum them up in one or two sentences. You characterized them as idiotic stallions, who don't have anything better to do, than trying to beat other people up, although they are surrounded by hundreds of witnesses, or at least one of them. That's simply too easy for playing any role in the deeper plotrole, it served ultimately only as a catalyst for the events, which isn't a good thing, since this made this story feel even more rushed.
The next character is Pinkie Pie, since she planned the party and had a little bit more dialogue, or monologue, depends on the point of view, than other characters. Well, she was mostly well characterized, she does break the 4th wall frequently, perhaps without referencing to any stories, and she simply rambles everytime she opens her mouth. That's one plus for the characterization, although it isn't a very relevant character.
Now it gets exciting, with Rarity. Like CosmicAfro already said, you chose to make her the whiny and stuffy Rarity as we know her from the show. Certainly, at some points of the story she overcame her demeanor, for example at the second concert, or in the star gazing scene in the newly bought loft. This is quite similar to the actual show, nicely done. But. But, you furthermore characterized her as a mare with a scarred heart, or disgust at superficial stallions. Well, she, I'm going to call it like that, stalks the protagonist, or at least visits every single concert. Now, the stallion knows one thing about her, after they somehow started dating, I may mention here, and that is that she's gotten nearly abused and that she doesn't like the normal superficial stallion out of Ponyville. Wow, he knows so much about her, and she knows what about him? That he sleeps in an alley? No. That he kind of ran away from home? Yes, after the first date. They don't know each other, and don't come with the 'love at first sight'-aspect. Rarity should be cautious and very wary, but no, she walks into the potentially next heartbreak. That's something that comes with the rushing through a story. You can't show the development of love in 20000 words. You just can't.
I won't lose myself into the critique of Rarity's character, I'm moving on with the protagonist himself. So, what do we know of him? He is a traveling musician, that had a few concerts at one particular place. So many of them that he had already one regular 'customer'. Why does he stay at one place, again? Oh, don't know. He depends, in more than one way, on his musical instrument, but after he got beaten up, and one key of his instrument broke, he shrugged it off with a "Thank Celestia for the small gifts" (It's not a literal quote, but the content is equivalent). Okay, that's not a big crime. If you'd used it later on again. Somehow, the key repaired itself, didn't it? I mean, you introduced the problem, but not the solution of it. He even played with said Saxophone again on two occasions. So anyway, I'm getting a little bit off-topic here, he's a musician that can't decide if he wants to be uptight, as in being by-the-unwritten-book-of-manner-rules, or simply a musician that wants some of the normal freedom. He thinks openly that the place, where he usually plays, is too stuffy for him. But then again, at certain points in the story, he acts like Rarity's prince, and with that I mean bourgeois thinking and acting. Not in her presence, if I may remark that. You couldn't fully decide in which direction you want to go with your protagonist, and that reflects on the writing style. Anyways, I'm going to move on with my next point, since this is already at 1500 words.

My next point is credibility. I already voiced my doubts about the broken key, but I'm going to remark something entirely else. The protagonist gets beaten up at the ending of chapter 1, why does he get beaten up, or I should say, why does he only get beaten until he's unconscious? The protagonist happened to overhear a conversation of two stallions trying to abuse another citizen. That's motive enough to kill a witness. I'm going to list a few more things, the protagonists name, Rarity never asked about it, nor did she introduce him to her friends properly. Rarity's reaction is too good for the protagonist, you should have included a drama before the final breakdown, which was incredibly staged. I mean, yeah, Rarity would cause some drama. But wouldn't she try to cling at him, at least somehow? Her doubts come a little bit late. The second encounter with the antagonist, the thug, is very staged, too, the thug talks about killing someone, to be more exact, the guest of honor, at a party, at Pinkie's place. The biggest aspect, though, is the timespan, as I mentioned earlier, the timespan just doesn't fit. The story is way too rushed.

The use of language was proper, but I could find many mistakes. Some of them were even apparent in the already proofread chapters. There wasn't anything exceptional, neither in terms of mistakes, nor as beautifully crafted syntaxes.

Now it comes to the point where it will hurt the most. Originality. This fanfic is generic. The setting is something different, but the plot and the process of approaching the topic romance is simply... normal. This story isn't something exceptional, it meets the expectations of somebody who wants to read a simple and short romance story. This is only enhanced by the fact that second person fics are something like a market niche.

I almost certainly portrayed only the bad things about this piece of fiction, but those are enough to let me decline this story.

RainbowsCrush

[owtwem]

i.imgur.com/8V9B7.gif