• Member Since 16th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 15th, 2018

ProfCharles


T

You know, once upon a time I didn't have a name. I didn't have anything. Couldn't even call my cutie-mark mine.

Once upon a time, I was a slave.

But then She came, and turned my world upsidedown. And now, I'll follow Her until the end of time itself.

A Fallout: Equestria Story.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 37 )

But then She came, and turned my world upsidedown.

2319728
...bugger, I was hopping no one would think of that.

2319747
This is the Internet, my good man. We think of everything.

2319944
Yes, I see that now.

The Internet. My one weakness.

What's this? An original Fo:E story?
READ COMMENCE.

Okay, noticed one typo- up in Glory's skills, it says 'speach' instead of 'speech'.

Throughout all this, I hadn't moved my spot. my Mare must have noticed me, for she approached me.

'My' in the second sentence needs to be capitalized.

Closer to home, I found a cart waiting for us. Garoth, the griffin, immediately took to the air and landed on it, whilst my Mistress and I remained on the ground.Without any prompting, I immediately climbed into the harness.

Should be a space between 'Without' and the period.

I nodded. “Yes please.”

Comma between 'yes' and 'please'.

“I’ll send a girl to collect your order in a minute, kay?”

'kay' should have an apostrophe in front of it.

“Why thank you Rose,”

There should be a comma in here somewhere...

Personally, I don't believe the Empire exists, but we get a couple of adventures willing to brave the passage on occasion

Adventurers?

And YES to Burger Queen! Homage must always have nicknames for Stable ponies, don't she?
Btw, a male turkey is called a tom. So a fat griffin?

Your faithful Grammar Nazi,
Namara

2320791
I try my hardest.

2320808
Bugger. Thanks!

2321006
Double bugger. I'll fix those as soon as possible.

And yes, Homage must name all the heroes. I'm quite proud of Burger Queen, actually, because I made Glory slightly Mary Sue-ish on purpose (because the narrator idolises her), so it helps bring her character back to earth.

I didn't know turkeys were called Toms. Still, Griffins are more eagle like than turkey like. I intend for giggalo to be an offensive term as well.

So this is both Fo:E and in the Authors Helping Authors group... Evil plan is evil and being hatched :trixieshiftright:

2322477 Maybe a Godfather-esque Griffin's name is Tom! *tries*
...
*fails*

2323011
Hm, that joke is a bit awkward to set up. But I like your thinking!

2322895
Well, yeah, why wouldn't I put it into every group I can get my grubby little evil plan-hatching mits on?

A rule of thumb, if something can be a spoiler, then hide it away to later on when it ain´t a spoiler. By sheer habit does I always open the first chapter of a story, because there is small snippets of info that the reader needs to know the story better. I would say move the chapters around, make this the last one no matter what, so those with bad habits like me don´t do such a thing, even if you state that it is a spoiler. Readers are lazy people, when they have opened something do they want to read it, and not find another link

Nitpicks:
"Glory is a young fry cook with a misspent youth from mare Stable 71." what is this "mare" doing in this sentence? I think that it is in a wrong place

"as well as having many scars adorn his face and body. He has green eyes and a screwdriver and a spanner for a cutie-mark." Have you not switched around in the order with these two sentences? because it would make more sense the other way around

I am intrigued. Let's see where this goes.

Damn, awesome! :pinkiehappy: I like idea of telling story from eyes of hero's mate.
I think it would be good to see more his inner thinking.
Good story, keep it up! :twilightsmile:

2325590
Yeah, that makes sense. I'll move it to the back as soon as I can get to my laptop, as well as fix those mistakes. I'm making sure to limit the information in the character sheets to information that is either already in the story or can be inferred from the story.

2328402>>2328707
Thanks!

Accidently hit the unpulblish button instead of the edit. My Bad!:derpytongue2:

" in the fantastic (if a little oversaturated) Fallout:Equestria universe" I must simply ask, how so? How is it oversaturated if you could make a story with a new idea? How can a fandom be oversaturated in general? That would be like saying that there is to many stories with Pinkie Pie or something like that. The setting is so huge, and ever growing, so how can you fill it up? Sure there is not many readers to each story, but with all writing long and winding epic tales that is longer than most novels, how would anyone then expect all to read all the stories. Think on yourself, how many longer 100-200K word stories are you following just now? But enough about that little comment, lets talk about the story.

First of all a sad thing, while your slave acts like a slave in his own story, can I really not hear it in the way that he is telling it. Sure there is some few traces of it, but when you try to sell it as your main point is it a bit to weak. I am thinking on all the fine words, and how he himself puts him in a rather high place, instead of the lower rank of a slave. I know that he are doing that at points, but that is the thing, it is only at points. I want to feel that we are listening to a broken pony, only just now so late in life beginning to mend in the hoofs of a Mistress. Call me demanding if you want, but when you try to sell on it should it be better, especially when I know that you can catch the heart of other stories and portrait other characters so well.

Another little thing is how this Mistress magically can open bombcollars, because they are known to be hard to open. I could understand it if Toolbox described it as sheer awesomeness, something over the top like Mistress looked at it for a second, and then bite trough it or something, really being over the top and putting her on that pedestal.

“Slaves don’t deserve meat. It’s too valuable to waste on us.” I think that you have misunderstood a thing with Fo:E, meat are more or less the cheapest food you can get. You get it from the things you kill to survive, where you have to scavenge for pre-war food, and don´t make me start to tell about how hard it is to get fresh. So giving slaves meat would not be a rare thing for a slaver to do, maybe even feeding them the meat for other fallen slaves... Yea have I said that Fo:E are dark at times. But then again, what you and me think on as meat is not the same meat of these wasteland ponies, they eat mutated animals, and more or less fresh meat, not needing to think on bacteria as we do... Okay I can see that I am beginning to lecture so I will stop now and jump over to the nitpicks.

Nitpicks
"My ma takes this bad. Real bad. She takes to the bottle, and a load of drugs too, just to cope with it. Eventually, the predictable happens, and she becomes addicted. She becomes so messed up she can no longer work, which means no caps, which means no drugs. So she begins to pawn everything off" Should all of this this not have been written in past tense?

"I had a slave collar over my neck and I was being dragged away from my home" His mother have sold his home, so should it not be family or mother instead of home?

"And we had my Meat," No need so far I can see for the capitalized M in your meat

"Was this an order?" Should it not be "that"?

"is my immediate response" Should be past tense


"I don't know how how long we sat there" I think that you have a how to many here.

" This was an order I could understand" Should this not have been in past tense? With a that instead of this

"not a slave." Your period needs to either be a comma or exclamation mark here because of grammar rules.

"nopony upsets my Mistress." You can not use nopony about a griffin, goes against the whole pony thing in the word.

2408435
[apologies for the delayed reaction]

" in the fantastic (if a little oversaturated) Fallout:Equestria universe" I must simply ask, how so?

Oh, I just meant that there are so many fics out there nowadays that its a little overwhelming for a newcomer like myself to make any sort of impact.

First of all a sad thing, while your slave acts like a slave in his own story, can I really not hear it in the way that he is telling it. Sure there is some few traces of it, but when you try to sell it as your main point is it a bit to weak. I am thinking on all the fine words, and how he himself puts him in a rather high place, instead of the lower rank of a slave. I know that he are doing that at points, but that is the thing, it is only at points. I want to feel that we are listening to a broken pony, only just now so late in life beginning to mend in the hoofs of a Mistress. Call me demanding if you want, but when you try to sell on it should it be better, especially when I know that you can catch the heart of other stories and portrait other characters so well.

Well, it is/should be written in past tense, as if he is recounting his life story. So whilst his actions are of a broken pony, his narration is post character development. Does that make sense? More importantly, does it work? I'm assuming by your comment that it doesn't. I should probably rewrite it so its closer to how you envisaged.

Another little thing is how this Mistress magically can open bombcollars, because they are known to be hard to open.

She had a key. Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

“Slaves don’t deserve meat. It’s too valuable to waste on us.” I think that you have misunderstood a thing with Fo:E,

Okay, I fucked up there.

"My ma takes this bad. Real bad. She takes to the bottle, and a load of drugs too, just to cope with it. Eventually, the predictable happens, and she becomes addicted. She becomes so messed up she can no longer work, which means no caps, which means no drugs. So she begins to pawn everything off" Should all of this this not have been written in past tense?

Probably. I'll rewrite it when I have a chance.

"I had a slave collar over my neck and I was being dragged away from my home" His mother have sold his home, so should it not be family or mother instead of home?

She sold their house. The village they lived in/bridge they lived under was still their home, however.

"And we had my Meat," No need so far I can see for the capitalized M in your meat

That was a Ctrl-F fuck up. Should say 'the meat'.

"Was this an order?" Should it not be "that"?

"is my immediate response" Should be past tense

"I don't know how how long we sat there" I think that you have a how to many here.

" This was an order I could understand" Should this not have been in past tense? With a that instead of this

"not a slave." Your period needs to either be a comma or exclamation mark here because of grammar rules.

More grammar fuck ups.

"nopony upsets my Mistress." You can not use nopony about a griffin, goes against the whole pony thing in the word.

So Toolkit's a little bit racist:trollestia: yeah, I'll fix that.

2415025
Being a slave like Toolkit was means that he got broken at one point, and as a person who once got assaulted 5 years ago and still have some small side effects from it, and that is even after psychological help, do I simply not think that Toolkit could come over it like that, there will always be small parts that can´t be mended. Just like that you, I and all others have small habits from when we where younger that we never will get over.

But as I said, if you didn´t try to use that point as the selling point of the story would I not have any complains over it. It is just that when you make it your focus does it just have to work, because it is what people look after.

2415093
Yeah, I see your point. There's shit in my life that still affects me years later. How would you sugest going about changing it?

2415107
Make him more submissive, thinking low about himself, and using so simple words as you can. All three things signs of a person that haven´t been treated well.

My best example is to think on a dog when you think on his reactions. Dogs are domesticated animals after all, so how they react fits in my book well with how the psyche of a slave is... I hope that that made sense.

At times to times make him correct on himself, going back to his old ways if it dawns on him that he is going over the line. But does also go the other way, that he at times stop his thoughts and story and corrects himself, saying that "No I am no longer that pony" and makes himself more free. I do not know how long after he gained his freedom that he is telling this, but try to make him unbalanced. As a slave do you think in other ways than a free pony, expecting them to act in different ways than they do. In a bit like how you think other people are when you travel.

I hope that this helped starting some thoughts.

2415124

using as simple words as you can

Curses! Foiled by my own verbose vocabulary!

Yeah, I see what you are saying. Simplyfy his narration, perhaps tone down his overprotectivness at the start, have that grow over the course of the story, but then have random boosts of confidance, like when he buys the snowglobe.

2415139
Exactly! He does not know how "normal" ponies work, so let him work as he things others does. Is there a waitress a place? Do as you think you should do and talk down to her because she is clearly a servant.

Also a thing to remember, his sense of humour. He have lived with slavers all his life, so he does properly think that some things are more fun than other. Like stealing candy from foals because he can and such.

I know that I make it sound like I want him to be evil, not at all. Just saying that he have a rather different way to look at things because he have seen them from the other side than all other in the wasteland

2415148
Yeah, the wasteland doesnt really lend itself to breeding heroes, now does it? I can understand him having a twisted sense of humour as a result. Somthing else to work on then.

I know that I am nitpicky this time, but I does really want this story to stand out from the other Fo:E stories that are out there, so let the nitpickery begin!

“You’re beautiful.”

Sorry, but this is simply to early for my taste. Sure Toolkit and Mistress are going to be a couple later on, a odd one, but one none the less. But for a slave, only being free for a little over a day... That is a bit to much.

She poured a pile of caps onto the table, then split it three ways, pushing one pile of caps towards me.

I don´t know why but I think that this scene could mean so so much more with a bit more detail. I know that you next scene says that they all get the same amount, but it would still be nice to read that. And the wonder from Toolkit over why there even is made 3 piles, and then why they are all the same size. Think on slavers, when have you heard about them that they shared? The leader would take all the money, and just pay the others in what they need, food and drink (especially the later) en masse. Just seeing something so fair as 3 amounts that are the same size would I say would bring big wonder, Mistress is the leader after all, so why share?
A thing I almost would wish you had added was that he was afraid to get caps. Caps in the hoofs of a slave would either mean a beating from the slavers, or other slaves that wanted the money. Or that he rejected them, he knows his place, right under Mistress, so he would give the caps back to her, a good slave does after all give anything of value to his mistress. That mistress would use them on him none the less, and that he could not say no to gifts like cloth (an uniform), tools that he could use, or on just on dilly dallying, since it is his first money would he properly use it on something stupid (ohh those sparkle colas taste good... I want to use all my caps on those!)

I struggled with bartering and choosing what I wanted to buy

Question, how would a slave even know how to bargain? Or even know what things are worth? He have been isolated from the world around him, denied the interactions that you have when you buy or sell. Sure he would know if something was worth something or not (when he had to repair things and then use the cheapest possible way to do so), but how much it is worth, that is a whole other question.

I think that you should think a bit over the link to The Crystal Gateway that you posted. Normally is it a bad sign when writers need a visual aid to show a scene or thing like that. While it is always a nice thing with one, does a written description that works always fit better.

I looked around the room. There wasn't much to speak of, really. Three cots, a washbasin in the corner and a desk made up our temporary living space.

While this is true looking back, would I dare say that this could be the most luxurious place that Toolkit have ever slept. Think on how he would have to share his bedding with so many others as a slave, if you follow that approach to his earlier life. Even just getting a whole blanket to sleep in would be a big thing,

And smaller things.
"The stallion collapsed to the floor" Where they not outside? Would ground not be more fitting?
"a hundred odd caps" Double space.
" Broke into places I shouldn't have" Double space.

2429586
Nitpick all you want! I'm always seeking to improve, and I'm honoured that you want to help me.

“You’re beautiful.”

Yeah, I can see how that came in a bit too soon. I suppose I was so eager to get the foundations of the relationship down, I killed the pacing. Which is annoying, as I'm usually very good with pacing.

caps scene

Yeah, could have done with more detail. I see what you're saying about how the slavers would be greedy, and that Toolkit would probably fear caps (maybe he found some as a child and was beaten for them.) Thinking about it, Toolkit would probably try to give them back to Glory, leading to a little "reverse tug-o-war" over the caps, culminating in Toolkit trying to leave them behind, and glory taking them so as to not waste them. This could then evolve into the shopping scene, where Toolkit is just browsing, and Glory insists on buying him stuff with his money.

Question, how would a slave even know how to bargain? Or even know what things are worth?

That was kinda my point—he dosent. He's seen slavers do it a few times—usually over himself and other slaves, so he understands the basics, but not enough to be proficent at it.

The Crystal Gateway

Ah, yeah. I had a bit of difficulty putting this into words, and I'm a geolgist. It's kinda been hammered into me that when I'm writing a report, a picture is worth a thousand words. Doesnt translate that well to literature, however. I'll go over it and pad out the descritiption.

Bedroom

You're right. I did consider writing in that toolkit tried to sleep on the floor instead of the cot. Kinda regret not doing that.

And thanks for spotting those mistakes. I'll fix them when I have a moment.

2430312
Hey those are not mistakes as such, just ways the story could be better after all. So look at it as improvements instead of fixing things, and that you none the less will end up with a better story.

And now to the "fun" stuff.

This review is brought to you by Doomande on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Grammar score out of 10: 8, There was no mistakes as such that I found, but I did not think "wow" ether over the quality.

Pros
Different characters. To often do you see the stable security guard, or the wasteland merchant and some few other roles be used again and again to death in Fo:E, but this is the first time I hear about a fry cook and a slave teaming up.

Cons
The characters. While the characters ain´t badly written or anything like that is it not so often that I feel that they follow their role. It is not often that Mistress is acting like a fry cook from a stable, and so far I can read is it not so long ago that she left her home.

The PH like plot. You are newer to this sub-fandom, so you did not know this, but PH are not seen in a good light, and especially not its plot. The story are longer than the bible by now, and the plot have not moved as such over all those words. So making references to it with almost the same plot (stable dweller have to leave because of code) are not the best move you could do

Notes Section
Even with all my nitpicks and what nots do I like this story. It have a touch of fresh air, something that could happen more often in this part of the fandom. The only thing that are stopping me as such to favourite it and follow it further is that it in a way more feel like a draft than the done story. The characters are not fully rounded as such, and could use some traits that made them stick out, beside their jobs. But that is also the only thing that make me think and feel like that. So all in all a good story, good enough that I enjoyed reading it, but could be much more.

I hope that you enjoy this review! Normally would this be the place where I asked for a review of another story, but since you haven´t laid a single comment on Rolling Bones that I asked about last time would I just mention that name again.

I hope that you enjoy this review! Normally would this be the place where I asked for a review of another story, but since you haven´t laid a single comment on Rolling Bones that I asked about last time would I just mention that name again.

I am really really really bad at this.

Thanks for the review!

I kinda like PH, but I see what you say about referencing it. Those bits always struck me as unfinished anyway. Going to change that when I change the rest of it.

Hello, fellow author! I just have to say, had I not saw this entered in the writing competition, I quite certainly would not have looked it up. But as it is, I don't regret clicking on the link at all!

What is there to say? I like it! Quite a lot, in fact; the characters are unique, if slightly bland-ish in the way they talk, though that's just my opinion. I also believe that locations could have used more description, as well as adding in more life in the form of chattering or 'the loud riff-raff of outside noise', but again that's just me, as I prefer to use many paragraphs in my story to describe locations.

Ah, but enough of that. Quite a good story you have here, in my opinion. That's why I faved and liked it, and I should also watch you. Yes, I should.

Just one thing to make the story better, if I may say so: Add. More. Description. The low word count makes it easy to read, but I feel like it could be so much better with an extra touch of life on the atmosphere and characters.

8.5/10
+ Nice, well-flowing paragraphs.
+ Easily relatable characters.
+ Thanks for adding Goldwreath into your story! Honestly, when I saw Roam here, I was pretty amazed people actually put it in their stories.

- Lack of life on the atmosphere.

2455610
Hi! Thanks for the comment (and the watch)!

I'm glad you like the characters, as that's kinda my selling point:twilightblush: If I could just ask, how is the dialogue bland? I only ask so I know where to improve.

Descriptions have always been a problem of mine. It is something I intend to work on though.

I actually kinda rushed through writing this, and I kinda regret it. I intend to go back and spruce some parts up when I have the time, and I'll make sure to expand my descriptions as well.

As for the New Roam shoutout, it's easily my favourite FO:E fic, and one of my favourite fics overall. So why wouldn't I put in a shoutout?:twilightsmile:

2455673 Well, glad to hear it is! I sure would love to hear from you if you ever have the time. Anyways, as for the dialogue being a little bland, it kind of goes like this. See, dialogue in a story, for me, also includes the actions with which the characters say it. So maybe I should have rephrased it and said the words of he dialogue were good, but the circumstances with which they say it are a bit lacking.

Like this.
See, this is what you do:
“Wow,” Garoth said, admiring the kill. “You did this? Remind me to never get into a fight with you.”
Now, while there's nothing wrong with this in any way, I just feel that it could reinforce a character's personality more strongly if you added more action with the words.

Maybe a little words like this:
“Wow,” Garoth said, admiring the kill. “You did this?" He grimaced at the damage done to the skull, even snaking a talon up to cover the side of his head. "Caved in on his brain... remind me to never get into a fight with you.”
I add the extra words, you see, to express Garoth's apparent boastfulness of his combat ability. Seeing as he's the type to boast, I just feel that it would show a much more believable concession to Toolkit's ability at melee if we show Garoth to be a little shaken.

Sorry if some of that doesn't make sense, but long story short just try to add a little more action into paragraphs, and make sure that action is in accordance to what a character would do.

"Yes, a fry cook. Stupid G.O.A.T."

I through in the universe of FO:E it's was called the C.A.T

3000637
Huh. Didn't know that. I assume the 'C' is for cutie mark or something.

“Toolkit, just ignore Garoth. He’s being a nerd.”

“I am not a nerd!” Garoth squawked indignantly. “I’m a geek. There’s a difference, you know!”

“Sure there is.”

There really is, you know. I looked up the definitions once out of curiosity. Yes, I am a nerd.

Aw man, I hope this gets updated, I was really liking it. But, it hasn't been updated since March of last year.

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