Character Sheets (Contains minor spoilers)
All spoilers are either found within main text, or can be inferred from main text.
Characters:
• Toolkit, formerly 'slave'.
A young brown earth pony who is large and well muscled for his age thanks to his life as a slave. He has green eyes and a screwdriver and a spanner for a cutie-mark, as well as having many scars adorn his face and body.
Sold into slavery at a young age by his junkie of a mother, 'Toolkit' has never had an easy life. Horribly mistreated by a succession of cruel masters, he no longer knows how to live as a free pony.
As a result of this upbringing, he has fixated on Glory as his new Mistress after she single hoofedly killed his former masters, freed him from slavery and gave him his name.
True to his name, Toolkit is an excellent repairpony, capable of restoring any item to full working condition. A life of hard labour has also made him freakishly strong.
Tagged Skills: Repair, Survival, Melee Weapons.
Preferred weapon: A large sledgehammer, as well as his own body.
• Glorious Destiny, AKA Glory, AKA the Mistress, AKA the Burger Queen.
A white unicorn mare with blond hair, golden eyes and a pink sunrise cutie-mark. Her magic is gold.
Glory is a young fry cook with a misspent youth from Stable 71. She recently left her stable after bandits attacked, in order to explore the wasteland and search for treasure just like her childhood hero Daring Do. She is horrified by the death and destruction found in the wasteland, but maintains a cheery, youthful exuberance regardless, and is always keen to help those in need.
Tagged Skills: Speach, Lockpick and Sneak.
Preferred weapon: A pair of 10 mm SMGs.
• Garoth Hawkwing Jr.
A young griffin tiercel, easily identified by his facial war paint.
Garoth is the youngest son of the leader of the Hawking Tribe—a band of all griffin mercinaries who help protect the Vanhoover area from raiders. Thanks to his father's training, he is a skilled and experianced warrior and hunter, although his youth does sometimes betray him, especially when it comes to his nerdy hobbies.
At his father's insistence, he has sworn a blood oath to follow Glory wherever she goes, and now acts as her second in command.
Skills: Survival, Guns and Unarmed.
Preferred weapon: Custom grip Zebrican Assult Rifle.
[Unlock more characters to proceed]
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Okay, noticed one typo- up in Glory's skills, it says 'speach' instead of 'speech'.
A rule of thumb, if something can be a spoiler, then hide it away to later on when it ain´t a spoiler. By sheer habit does I always open the first chapter of a story, because there is small snippets of info that the reader needs to know the story better. I would say move the chapters around, make this the last one no matter what, so those with bad habits like me don´t do such a thing, even if you state that it is a spoiler. Readers are lazy people, when they have opened something do they want to read it, and not find another link
Nitpicks:
"Glory is a young fry cook with a misspent youth from mare Stable 71." what is this "mare" doing in this sentence? I think that it is in a wrong place
"as well as having many scars adorn his face and body. He has green eyes and a screwdriver and a spanner for a cutie-mark." Have you not switched around in the order with these two sentences? because it would make more sense the other way around
Accidently hit the unpulblish button instead of the edit. My Bad!
2408435
[apologies for the delayed reaction]
Oh, I just meant that there are so many fics out there nowadays that its a little overwhelming for a newcomer like myself to make any sort of impact.
Well, it is/should be written in past tense, as if he is recounting his life story. So whilst his actions are of a broken pony, his narration is post character development. Does that make sense? More importantly, does it work? I'm assuming by your comment that it doesn't. I should probably rewrite it so its closer to how you envisaged.
She had a key. Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
Okay, I fucked up there.
Probably. I'll rewrite it when I have a chance.
She sold their house. The village they lived in/bridge they lived under was still their home, however.
That was a Ctrl-F fuck up. Should say 'the meat'.
More grammar fuck ups.
So Toolkit's a little bit racist
yeah, I'll fix that.
2415025
Being a slave like Toolkit was means that he got broken at one point, and as a person who once got assaulted 5 years ago and still have some small side effects from it, and that is even after psychological help, do I simply not think that Toolkit could come over it like that, there will always be small parts that can´t be mended. Just like that you, I and all others have small habits from when we where younger that we never will get over.
But as I said, if you didn´t try to use that point as the selling point of the story would I not have any complains over it. It is just that when you make it your focus does it just have to work, because it is what people look after.
2415093
Yeah, I see your point. There's shit in my life that still affects me years later. How would you sugest going about changing it?
2415107
Make him more submissive, thinking low about himself, and using so simple words as you can. All three things signs of a person that haven´t been treated well.
My best example is to think on a dog when you think on his reactions. Dogs are domesticated animals after all, so how they react fits in my book well with how the psyche of a slave is... I hope that that made sense.
At times to times make him correct on himself, going back to his old ways if it dawns on him that he is going over the line. But does also go the other way, that he at times stop his thoughts and story and corrects himself, saying that "No I am no longer that pony" and makes himself more free. I do not know how long after he gained his freedom that he is telling this, but try to make him unbalanced. As a slave do you think in other ways than a free pony, expecting them to act in different ways than they do. In a bit like how you think other people are when you travel.
I hope that this helped starting some thoughts.
2415124
Curses! Foiled by my own verbose vocabulary!
Yeah, I see what you are saying. Simplyfy his narration, perhaps tone down his overprotectivness at the start, have that grow over the course of the story, but then have random boosts of confidance, like when he buys the snowglobe.
2415139
Exactly! He does not know how "normal" ponies work, so let him work as he things others does. Is there a waitress a place? Do as you think you should do and talk down to her because she is clearly a servant.
Also a thing to remember, his sense of humour. He have lived with slavers all his life, so he does properly think that some things are more fun than other. Like stealing candy from foals because he can and such.
I know that I make it sound like I want him to be evil, not at all. Just saying that he have a rather different way to look at things because he have seen them from the other side than all other in the wasteland
2415148
Yeah, the wasteland doesnt really lend itself to breeding heroes, now does it? I can understand him having a twisted sense of humour as a result. Somthing else to work on then.
2429586
Nitpick all you want! I'm always seeking to improve, and I'm honoured that you want to help me.
Yeah, I can see how that came in a bit too soon. I suppose I was so eager to get the foundations of the relationship down, I killed the pacing. Which is annoying, as I'm usually very good with pacing.
Yeah, could have done with more detail. I see what you're saying about how the slavers would be greedy, and that Toolkit would probably fear caps (maybe he found some as a child and was beaten for them.) Thinking about it, Toolkit would probably try to give them back to Glory, leading to a little "reverse tug-o-war" over the caps, culminating in Toolkit trying to leave them behind, and glory taking them so as to not waste them. This could then evolve into the shopping scene, where Toolkit is just browsing, and Glory insists on buying him stuff with his money.
That was kinda my point—he dosent. He's seen slavers do it a few times—usually over himself and other slaves, so he understands the basics, but not enough to be proficent at it.
Ah, yeah. I had a bit of difficulty putting this into words, and I'm a geolgist. It's kinda been hammered into me that when I'm writing a report, a picture is worth a thousand words. Doesnt translate that well to literature, however. I'll go over it and pad out the descritiption.
You're right. I did consider writing in that toolkit tried to sleep on the floor instead of the cot. Kinda regret not doing that.
And thanks for spotting those mistakes. I'll fix them when I have a moment.
2430312
Hey those are not mistakes as such, just ways the story could be better after all. So look at it as improvements instead of fixing things, and that you none the less will end up with a better story.
And now to the "fun" stuff.
This review is brought to you by Doomande on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Grammar score out of 10: 8, There was no mistakes as such that I found, but I did not think "wow" ether over the quality.
Pros
Different characters. To often do you see the stable security guard, or the wasteland merchant and some few other roles be used again and again to death in Fo:E, but this is the first time I hear about a fry cook and a slave teaming up.
Cons
The characters. While the characters ain´t badly written or anything like that is it not so often that I feel that they follow their role. It is not often that Mistress is acting like a fry cook from a stable, and so far I can read is it not so long ago that she left her home.
The PH like plot. You are newer to this sub-fandom, so you did not know this, but PH are not seen in a good light, and especially not its plot. The story are longer than the bible by now, and the plot have not moved as such over all those words. So making references to it with almost the same plot (stable dweller have to leave because of code) are not the best move you could do
Notes Section
Even with all my nitpicks and what nots do I like this story. It have a touch of fresh air, something that could happen more often in this part of the fandom. The only thing that are stopping me as such to favourite it and follow it further is that it in a way more feel like a draft than the done story. The characters are not fully rounded as such, and could use some traits that made them stick out, beside their jobs. But that is also the only thing that make me think and feel like that. So all in all a good story, good enough that I enjoyed reading it, but could be much more.
I hope that you enjoy this review! Normally would this be the place where I asked for a review of another story, but since you haven´t laid a single comment on Rolling Bones that I asked about last time would I just mention that name again.
I am really really really bad at this.
Thanks for the review!
I kinda like PH, but I see what you say about referencing it. Those bits always struck me as unfinished anyway. Going to change that when I change the rest of it.
2455610
Hi! Thanks for the comment (and the watch)!
I'm glad you like the characters, as that's kinda my selling point
If I could just ask, how is the dialogue bland? I only ask so I know where to improve.
Descriptions have always been a problem of mine. It is something I intend to work on though.
I actually kinda rushed through writing this, and I kinda regret it. I intend to go back and spruce some parts up when I have the time, and I'll make sure to expand my descriptions as well.
As for the New Roam shoutout, it's easily my favourite FO:E fic, and one of my favourite fics overall. So why wouldn't I put in a shoutout?
2455673 Well, glad to hear it is! I sure would love to hear from you if you ever have the time. Anyways, as for the dialogue being a little bland, it kind of goes like this. See, dialogue in a story, for me, also includes the actions with which the characters say it. So maybe I should have rephrased it and said the words of he dialogue were good, but the circumstances with which they say it are a bit lacking.
Like this.
See, this is what you do:
“Wow,” Garoth said, admiring the kill. “You did this? Remind me to never get into a fight with you.”
Now, while there's nothing wrong with this in any way, I just feel that it could reinforce a character's personality more strongly if you added more action with the words.
Maybe a little words like this:
“Wow,” Garoth said, admiring the kill. “You did this?" He grimaced at the damage done to the skull, even snaking a talon up to cover the side of his head. "Caved in on his brain... remind me to never get into a fight with you.”
I add the extra words, you see, to express Garoth's apparent boastfulness of his combat ability. Seeing as he's the type to boast, I just feel that it would show a much more believable concession to Toolkit's ability at melee if we show Garoth to be a little shaken.
Sorry if some of that doesn't make sense, but long story short just try to add a little more action into paragraphs, and make sure that action is in accordance to what a character would do.
2458300
Ah, I see. Thanks.
3000637
Huh. Didn't know that. I assume the 'C' is for cutie mark or something.
Aw man, I hope this gets updated, I was really liking it. But, it hasn't been updated since March of last year.