• Member Since 16th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen February 15th

Noash123


T

Rainbow Dash. Loyal, competitive, mischievous... in love? Dash, recently developing feelings for Rarity, hasn't found a way to express them. She fears many things.. does Rarity love her back? If not, will they still even be friends? Is her head in the clouds?

Credit for the picture goes to RecycleTiger: http://goo.gl/OXo6W

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 70 )

Bet it's a dream.

Sweet dream, though. Very well written, so far. Just bucking hate cliffhangers.

A Rari-Dash fic?

Now that's a rarity.

177479
:raritywink: Indeed...

Good so far, would like to see where this goes.

im curious as to how this will play out, ill track and see where it goes :raritywink:

Oh it's a dream all right.

I can't say a lot yet, the chapter is pretty short. caught a few spelling errors. like: "She dismissed it, and lie back down on the grass, next to the now settling Rarity." -should be lied. You're vocabulary is excellent. I like the pairing. There's nothing wrong with your writing style. The only problems that I found were a few minor grammar mistakes. For example: nothings needs an apostrophe because it's a conjunction of nothing is.

Overall it's an enjoyable story so far. I will be tracking, good luck! :twilightsmile:

Thanks for pointing out the grammar errors. Got tired when I was writing, so wasn't really paying attention. Haha. Alright, going to correct it all now.

EDIT: Alright, fixed. Let me know if you see anymore.

With Chapter 2, I will admit that I didn't quite match the writing style of Chapter 1. I also got more cliches in Chapter 2 than I would have liked. Hopefully this doesn't happen in Chapter 3.

You should try and make your chapters longer.

183052 Have tried to, and I thought that Chapter 2 would be much longer than #1 (guess not, since it was only 2 words over :unsuresweetie:). Anyway, that's something I'll definitely work on.

Tracking for the unusual shipping :pinkiehappy:

Yes, I really hope these become a lot longer. Oh, and use the "Add horizontal rule" button instead of the lines when you change the scene, it's a lot more pleasing on the eyes. A good way to increase the size of your chapters other than simply adding more content is too describe things in greater detail. Which instantly makes the chapter itself better as well. When you're writing a fictional story you have to assume that the reader has never seen the scene before. Describe everything in great detail. But only add the necessary. Adding unnecessary info can make the story boring.

Things like the smell, the lighting, the colour of certain things. You have to shape an image in the readers mind. Close your eyes, and describe what you see. :twilightsmile: As I've said earlier: the best way to increase the size of a chapter is still to simply add more content. I realize that you had a certain beginning and ending in mind for this chapter but you skipped certain events that were not neccesarily supposed to be skipped. For example: You could describe Rainbow's flight to Rarity's boutique and tell the readers her train of thoughts, delve deeper into your characters mind.

The inner dialogue was good. You should apply it more. For example: "Dash could tell Rarity wasn’t buying it. Rarity went with it anyway" -Writing is showing, not telling. Describe Rarity's thoughts at that moment. Anything that can be said with inner dialogue should be done so, it makes the story more alive. Is this your first story? If so, you're doing a good job so far. :twilightsmile: These are just some pointers to help you improve. I like this story, and I would like to see it gain popularity. RariDash is so adorable! :duck::rainbowkiss:

183295 Hooray, constructive criticism. :yay: Anyway, thanks for the tips. Yeah, this is my first story. Also, "Writing is showing, not telling." I feel like I've heard this before. Hah. Anyway, yeah, a lot more detail could have been added, and I think this is one of the major flaws in this chapter. Also, would it be possible to get some examples of how I could change up "Dash could tell Rarity wasn’t buying it. Rarity went with it anyway" with inner dialogue? I think seeing some examples would help me with it. :twilightsmile:

183667
For example: instead of making a statement like that in the form of a narrative you could write out her thoughts like. "Something tells me she's lying." Or something like that. A story has to be active, not passive. Stuff has to happen. Not just because you say that it happened, the characters have to life it.

"Showing not telling." is a writing technique.

For example: saying "The girls were excited." is a form of "telling" You make a statement but you don't explain it.

Showing this sentence would be something like: "Giggles and screams filled the arena. Their foreheads were now damp with perspiration and the anticipation of the event. They held tight to each other in a mock effort to contain themselves. Arms flailed upward, and voices echoed in varying tones. The moment was here."

You see, this way you shape an image in the readers mind. The story becomes active, it becomes alive.

I hope that helps. :twilightsmile:

-Vozzlefox

184055 Alright, thanks for the help. I'll try that out in Chapter 3. :rainbowkiss:

Chapter 3, unfortunately, wasn't nearly as long as I hoped it would be. :facehoof: But I feel I put more detail into it than Chapter 2. Hopefully I can fix the length issues in Chapter 4 (probably the second to last chapter before I end the story).

Edge of my seat, ready for more! Please update soon! :heart::pinkiehappy:

Well, I must say that you left me wanting more. Which often happens to me when reading stories with short chapters but I'm really enjoying this nonetheless. Wait only five chapters!? :fluttercry:

187524 D'awwwww. Now I feel bad. :fluttershyouch: I may make it longer, but I don't wish to drag this story out too much longer than it needs to be. My original plan was for this story to be around 5-8 chapters. So, anywhere between there.

187553
It's just that I don't see any way to make this story 5 chapters without making it feel rushed. :twilightoops: Last thing you want to rush is the confession etc.
Are you planning on writing more? Or is this a one time thing? :duck:

187564 Chapter 4 is something I plan on being (hopefully much) longer than the previous chapter. Hopefully 1.2k words? (Not much, but by my standards, that's a lot. :unsuresweetie:) But I'll make sure the "big revelation" doesn't feel rushed. :raritywink: And this was supposed to be my only story, but the encouragement I'm getting from you guys is making me itch to write more. :rainbowkiss:

I think that this may actually be my last chapter. Extremely short, I know, but I feel if I continued it it'd be too awkward. :applejackunsure:

2 thoughts:

1) You are a jerk for not making a happy ending. Here I was, going to go to school that's going to be rough, and I read this just before? Jerk :rainbowwild:

2) As much as point 1 is true, this really is how it probably would end. Lets face it, Rarity is determined to find that "prince" of her's, and while rainbow is pretty much a tomboy, she ain't a prince.

It seems like an odd place to end it, what with Rarity finding out she loves Dash and all, or something close to it. Usually this would be a penultimate chapter of sorts, the one right before they get together. It may just be me being picky, but this doesn't seem like an ending to me. It seems like the big realization almost, a cliffhanger before the next chapter, except that Rarity doesn't seem to react much from the realization. I'm fine with open endings, but this seems somewhat incomplete.

I'm no expert buuut,

"The whole scene, lied out in front of her." Shouldn't it be lain..? Or lie in a present tense..(meaning lied is right)? idk.
(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lie?show=0&t=1328552907) ((to) lie)

"Rarity saw the pegasus’ pleased look, and smiled. She set her head down on Rainbow Dash’s back, and let out a placate sigh. "
The adj. form of (to) placate is placative.. But that sounds weird so I suggest content..

:facehoof: Idk why I spent time looking these up..

Anyways. Take my words with a grain of salt.. I am just a HS junior hahah..
.. I'm so internally conflicted..

i agree with bashfluff, the story is yours to do with as you want, but you could probably get one more chapter out of this if you decided to put them together in the end. either way, the story was nice to read :pinkiesmile:

The story was nice and the ending was unexpected but not necessarily unpleasant. However, this story is overall too short in my honest opinion. It feels like a lot of the details have been skipped over in the middle leaving you with just the beginning and end. However, other than the length there are no other real issues that I see and I look forward to reading more of your work.

I was, in all honesty, trying to go for a "not-so-happy" ending. But I guess I can try to get one last chapter up (also the reason I kept marked as "incomplete". Wanted to see feedback before I decided to end it or not:unsuresweetie:). I'll probably also run through everything again. Want to make sure this story is at least decent before I think about moving on to another. :derpytongue2:

194138

Ok, now that my school day is over, I can type a little calmer :rainbowwild:

There is no problem at all taking the "not-so-happy ending" route. Hell, considering Rarity's personality, it would totally make sense. However, there SHOULD be another chapter in some fashion. You kinda just ended the climax, and now need some sort of resolution (they actually DO get together, they end up being best friends, no hard feelings between the two, etc).

That said, I don't wanna sound like I'm pressuring you to write something you don't want to, but those are my two bits.

195347 I'll probably try to tag on a happy ending for the satisfaction. :duck:

Anyway, I'll start writing it up tomorrow. Probably get it posted Wednesday. :moustache:

Alright, sorry for any spelling/grammar errors in this chapter. Currently 11:00 P.M. here.:pinkiesick: Anyway, hopefully this ending doesn't seem overly cliched. Also, hopefully everything doesn't change mood too quickly. Don't want it to awkwardly transition from a sad mood to a happy mood.

I think you have work on the fine art of ending sentences, as do you all, but I think this was a much better place to end it. It was a bit jarring at the start, seeing as how Rarity went from somewhat cool about the whole thing, perhaps hinting at slowly developing feelings to: "Oh my God I love her and I didn't tell her and why didn't I tell her and I feel so bad and--" you get the picture, but once you accepted that premise, things were fairly consistent.

I think there was a better way to go about the whole thing than how you did it, but it wasn't terribly done. ...But, I'm really sorry about this, but that still didn't have the air of finality about it. It really didn't. Sorry.

Yeah, I know. Like I said, I didn't think I flowed everything correctly. It was awkward for me to get this chapter started. Sorry for the let down. I'll try to work on the consistency of everything if I write another story. I really wasn't satisfied with myself either on this chapter.

Not at all. If you just wanted to get this out of the way so that you could move on to something else, sometimes that's what an author has to do. It's not fun to do, and I always say to wait until you're satisfied with something before putting it out, but sometimes you just want to be done.

I don't agree, but I get it.

I do love how you ended it, having it be the dream in the beginning... though you saying "Lied" instead of "laid" irked me :pinkiecrazy:

202344 Hah, thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.

Euch.... Yeah, sorry, laaaame. You already went for the "I don't know if I could love you but there is something there.... maybe" angle, so why immediately after go for the "I actually do love you but I was just afraid" angle? The last chapter feels as if there is a lot more still to come, and this (for me) came out of nowhere. Ah well. *Shrugs*

202609 I have to agree with you. Like I've pointed out, the flow didn't work. Like I said, hopefully I can work this out if I decide to write again.

I may just re-work the whole chapter. I don't like the fact that I'm not satisifed with it myself. It was too rushed, and I don't feel comfortable leaving a rushed chapter out. Won't take the original chapter down though. Anyway, my ranting aside, I'll try to re-write it today.

I can see the next chapter starting with Pinkie finding them and running off to tell their friends. :pinkiesmile:

Alright, a re-write of the last chapter will be up probably later today.

Alright, I've re-written the previous chapter from scratch. Hopefully it doesn't seem rushed out like the original did.:rainbowwild: "Amour" will no longer be the final chapter, though. I want to give this story a proper and well thought out ending, so I decided to make the ending a chapter of its own. :eeyup:

MUCH, MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better. It succeeding in correcting every glaring flaw the other version had. Excellent.

205259 Thanks. :twilightsmile: Hope something like that doesn't happen again though. Don't want to have to re-write another chapter. :unsuresweetie:

You're going to force me to retrack this story huh? :trixieshiftleft:

205473 Heh, sorry about that. :unsuresweetie:

Yeah, definitely an improvement. You might want to either delete the previous chapter, or add a note at the start linking here, or add it as a bonus chapter. Or some such thing. Bit confusing otherwise for new readers.

RariDash fics are certainly hard to come across. Tracking this mate.

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