• Member Since 13th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 16 hours ago

Punsz


T
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After her plans were ruined her hive now in destruction all shes has left are two young changeling. When she is saved by one of the ponies responsible for destroying her plans the great Changeling queen is forced to make certain choices. Will the choices she make now be for the better of her last remaining children or will she lose them for good?

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 85 )
Comment posted by Punsz deleted Mar 21st, 2013

Hey, would you like someone to help you with the editing; I'm willing to offer my aid if you'd like?

2227726 yes that would ve very very appreciated :)

Fluttershy how could you!?

oh thats cold, most especialy since it's from Fluttershy

Impressive story I shall track this.

You say they're edited, but they still need a lot of work. It's mostly missing punctuation, occasional awkward phrasing, and inconsistent tense.

Also, the last paragraph of Chapter 5 is more of a wall of text than a paragraph. After Celestia spoke, you failed to start a new paragraph when Chrysalis started speaking. There are other places in that paragraph where splitting it up into more paragraphs would really help with the readability.

Also, I found a plot hole: How do the ponies know her name? She never told them what it was. In the episode, she only referred to herself as "queen of the changelings".

I call bull shit, Fluttershy? Not helping in anyway? :trixieshiftleft:

And here comes the twist.

2335231 well not now but her kind self will show later on its all part of the plan for the story

...Dangit. I hope you get this edited soon. Maybe with proper grammar, the characters will make a little more sense. Considering the grammar in the previous chapters, I doubt it'll be too big of an big improvement, but we'll see. I don't want to be too hasty regarding my opinion here. It'll definitely be better than nothing at the very least.

Edit: Now that I reread my comment, it seemed a bit more blunt than I intended. Well, it's half past midnight here, so I'm in no condition to fix it at the moment.

I have to admit, i only saw one MINOR error.. When Celestia says "i really need a lock for me door" it should be "My door" instead, otherwise, i didnt see any errors.. maybe my brain ignored them i dont know.. but keep at it buddy :D

By Celestia, grab yourself an editor!
You need one badly dude.

Yes i understand i need an editor but its really hard to find one if anyone can show me one or a site that does editing that would be nice

Chirp is so freaking CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2520067

Yup, my editing's getting shot down hard but in my defense I'm trying to do as little adding/subtracting to the story as possible; it's not my story and I have no right to rewrite it.
Sure, there might still be an issue or two with what's being presented after the editing, but nopony's perfect. At least it makes a little more sense after the fact and is somewhat easier to read, right?
Hell, with all the potshots that my own stories are getting I'm impressed that swanTK still wants me to do the editing for him. Most of them are not kind.

2541118 That's what I thought in my early days of editing. It's not a good mindset for an editor to have. You are an editor. That means you have to edit. Don't be afraid of that sort of thing.

I think both you and swanTK should read the FiMFiction writing guide. Sure, it's long, but it's something everyone should read, regardless of his or her grammar skill. As one fanfic editor to another, trust me- it'll help.

2541755
I'll be sure to give it a read. Normally I'm not really one for editing 'cause I prefer to write my own stories (which, if you've noticed any of my recent ones, tend to be long winded) so getting critique on my editing is, well, a fresh change.
If anything, saying that there is missing punctuation is something I'm not used to. If anything, I tend to OVERUSE punctuation, so I'll certainly have to recheck my work...
Also, for the final paragraph of chapter 5, that (I think) is my mistake. I think it was really rather late at night and my brain was falling asleep.
My bad.:derpytongue2:

2541755
Yeah i'll give it a look too and I'm very thankful for Silent Quill for taking the time to look over my work, but I need to improve on my work a lot.

Where could I find that guide you were talking about?

2542042 I linked to it. Click on the phrase "read the FiMFiction's writing guide" in my previous comment.

Alternatively, you can go to the top of the page, and on the list of options just below the site's banner, you'll see one labeled "FAQ". Move your pointer over that and a drop-down menu will appear with "Writing Guide" as the only item on the list.

2542095
Alright thanks

Wow, that was extreme.:fluttercry:

Some guards need to be fired/executed for this act of evil... if it was the guards.

wow... that was kind of disturbing to say the least... poor Chryssy

When Celestia finds out about this... Blueblood is going to be locked up for a long, long time... or executed.

Another OOC Blueblood... Why do people depict him as a greedy, crafty villain? He's not evil- he's just a jerk and a coward. He doesn't have the brains or the guts to do something like this. You disappoint me.

Blueblood is the G.W.Bush of Equestria-very stupid.

The feels would have been amazing if you'd had someone proofread this first. Instead, I feel very little. I'm not sad at the events of the chapter, I'm sad that such impactful writing has been wasted due to bad grammar.

2607667
Yea i know i want to finish the story first luckily i have some who is offering to proof read i now have two peple to proof read it

2607730 That's usually an inadvisable approach. Most people only see the first time through and don't want to reread later no matter how much it has improved. It's best to just send it to a proofreader via private message, then post the reader's results when they're ready.

Also, I just noticed your avatar. You can't go wrong with Ze Captain. :coolphoto:

2607752hmm alright then

words can not express how much I hate Blueblood at this point... if he lives from that cave thing I want to be able to read him being stripped of his magic, blood, and banishment to the moon to live the rest of his none magical pony existence till the day he dies :flutterrage:
*cough cough* sorry, but he really got under my skin, feel free to make him look like a donkey though.

Needs more commas. Lots of them.

damn that sucks!
i really really want to see the next part now! i feel so sorry for her D:

2611814 Why not just a fruit then make some random animal eat em :moustache:

2936508 b/c that would be to merciful for the cold blooded bastard of a noblepony that he believes he is. Nah, strip him of magic, looks, and rank and you've got his true nature to appear and fits what he is on the inside. Plus the moon would make a nice grave for his ego. No one their but the lunar animals and perhaps no ponies that he could be around to boss around? Ya I like my plan a lot but hey, if it comes to quick and painless and a bit humiliating then I'll come back to you. :pinkiehappy:

2936748 How bout strip him of his magic take away his heritage disown him Mute him and then give him up to a diamond dog :moustache:

2939423 hmm, I didn't think about the Diamond Dog thing.

2940570 Interesting suggestions but i got things in plan already lol sorry if it taking a long time tho trying edit and what not...you know...so it sounds good :) the next should be out maybe next month.

GLAD YOU LIKE IT!:rainbowkiss:

2947623 high five for next! :derpytongue2:

Obvious reference is obvious

I liked this story up until now, but I gotta call you out here. Rushed chapters are rushed. Your "Blueblood" is hammier than Nightmare Moon and his personality is about as flat as King Sombra's. Very unoriginal. He has no reason to do this; he's in it for the evulz. He's not evil; he's just a jerk. Normally, I can excuse OOC behavior regarding Blueblood, but not when it's done this poorly.

Also, you have run-on sentences and missing commas galore. Get a proofreader.

you forgot the giant alien robots and the army of cyborg ninjas to go along with your giant evil kaiju blueblood. :)

3061308 I did this because when a person gets too much power like him it can cause them to be blinded with power.
And sorry if he is like Sombra :ajsleepy: but like i said I tried to make him more of a power blinded monster.

3061666 lol that'sa funny.....GODZILLA!

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