• Member Since 14th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen September 15th

contodaslasganas


Not quite sure what to put here. MIT student who likes writing. Yeah. Oh, and thanks to kittyhasnosoul for the cover.

T

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, while returning to their clubhouse, find a colt crying behind a bush. They instantly befriend him and give him a place to stay, but the colt hides a terrible secret: his true identity. Can the Crusaders protect him from his own kind, or worse, from the Bearers of the Elements? Can the colt who has done nothing wrong find peace among the rest of the ponies, or will he be doomed to suffer simply for being what he truly is?

Pre-alicorn Twilight, although I think AU tag should cover that. Unsure about adventure tag. Temporary cover art using this pony creator and some small amounts of editing with gimp.

Also, in case anyone wants to know, this is my official entry for The Brony Fiction's contest.

A big thanks to NecroLeprechaun, Perteks, SuperPinkBrony12, and Thatsteampunkbrony for putting in feedback that helped keep this story more logical!

Chapters (9)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 104 )

Interesting. I can't wait to see where this story will go. The only thing that set me off was the way Silver talks. I get that he's coming from an uptight society, but the phrasing is more than a bit stiff. Have my fav and let's see if you can take my like too.
P.S. Does this really need the AU tag?

3781049 I'll take a look at his lines again and see if I can make them a bit smoother. Though he seems to have come from an uptight society, that may not be his true identity. You'll just have to wait and see. :twilightsmile: And thanks for the fave! :pinkiehappy:

3781049 About the Alternate Universe tag: I am going to make Celestia a little ... less understanding in some of the last chapters, and some other future elements could also support the use of the tag. Still, I'll keep this question in mind as I continue the story. Thanks for your thoughts! :twilightsmile:

Consider me impressed. I can't wait to see how this turns out. :pinkiesmile:

Hm this colt may or may not be a changeling. Considering the name of the story

3782733 Exactly


3783022 You may be right ... or you may be wrong ... or you may be both. You'll just have to see. :twilightsmile:

:P it ends too soon, hurry up and write the rest!

3783663 I have heard, and so it shall be. I'll make sure the next update is posted today or tomorrow. :twilightsmile:

3783750 oh do u think u will ever do a sweetie bot fic? i love those, but not the FiW sweetie bot, more like normal sweetie belle finding out shes a robot, there just arent enough of those

Is he part changing, like his dad was a pony and chrysalis was his mom, or is he something else? He certainly is keeping something from us.

3784214 I will say you are the closest so far. I'll let my next chapter do the talking. :twilightsmile:

edit: BTW, thanks for the fav!

I see the "Imposter Forgot One Detail" came through again. Man these changelings suck at impersonating ponies that are well know. If they tried impersonating new ponies they'd probably meet with better results. :trixieshiftleft:

3786884 True, but they colt they are trying to deceive is actually Hah, you actually tried to read this! You'll have to wait until the next chapter to see who Silver really is! ... I mean, yeah, of course. :twilightsheepish:

yep definitely a changeling! unless his 'other form' is super sain pony style, hmm new story idea....

3787799 Not far off! Just remember, there's always something more, especially with Silver. Oh, and if you ever make that fic, toss me the link and I'll gladly read it!

3787838 ill prob hand the idea to someone who knows more on dragon ball z, last ep I saw was back in series 1 :scootangel: pluss secrets unbound is keeping me busy enough wanna always get your first out of the way.

3787876 I should probably follow your advice. This is my third story, but my first two stories are still incomplete :derpytongue2: Oh, well, I'll figure something out. :twilightsheepish:

3790357 Thanks. Good luck to you too, on your story! I promise, I soon as I finish these three fics, I'll go over and read yours. It's already on my read later list! :twilightsmile:

I really need to get the hang of when to use these emoticons. Seriously, there's 48 of them, and I've only used like 5. Oh well, now's a good time to start.
:ajsmug::coolphoto::facehoof::rainbowlaugh::rainbowdetermined2::pinkiehappy::twilightoops::unsuresweetie:
Have a random assortment!

3790369 yeah, on iPod I can't really use em. But I think there missing a few characters. Anyway thanks.

Not gonna lie, Twilight accepted Applejack's statement a little too easily. She should've been a tad bit skeptical.

3792892 Noted, though I thought since Applejack was the Element of Honesty Twilight would believe her unconditionally. Still, I see your point: Twilight doesn't expect changelings to be so close by, so she probably wouldn't have accepted it so quickly. I'll see if I can figure something out without too much editing. Thanks!

3792892 Okay, I fixed it up a bit. Feel free to leave any other comments!

My name is Silver. You killed my father, prepare to die! :pinkiecrazy:

Him trying to find his father reminds me of fallout 3 :P

3806713 Wow, I didn't even notice! :twilightsheepish: But yeah, glad you like the story so far. Update's in a couple of seconds. :pinkiehappy:

Summoning spell? You mean like in Final Fantasy? :trixieshiftright:

3807511 Well, I guess you could say that. :twilightsheepish: Mainly I just put it in so that the appearance of the princess wouldn't screw up what little logic there is in the story. :scootangel:

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: sorry thats the max number of pinkiehappys I can put in one comment

3809097 Thanks! Have some more crusaders! fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/003/7/8/clapping_pony_icon___applebloom_by_taritoons-d5q9yfg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/8/9/clapping_pony_icon___scootaloo_by_taritoons-d5w610a.gif fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/056/7/f/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_belle_by_taritoons-d5w5zt5.gif

3809202 what I see them clapping I can't help but think of this

maybe it's cause my pc is slow and that makes them only clap three beats at a time

3810451 Ha, nice! On my computer, they only clap either five or seven beats at a time.

3810482 keep on keep'n on dude I gotta know how this story ends it's great

3810703 I've only got a couple sentences so far :twilightsheepish: I'm so glad there's no class on Monday, I may even be able to finish this fic before my professors decide to give me more p-sets. And don't worry, this will be done by the 30th at the latest (or else I can't submit it in the contest)

3811044 Celestia too all-knowing? Or is it a whole slew of things that are cliche? I would like a little more detail so I can grow as a writer. Please? :applecry:

3811073
Both, that she can do thats so easy and mind reading is just completely deus ex machina. But in stories deus ex machina especially for something like that just don't work good.

If he have some kind of goal he need to achieve it via interesting adventure or great sacrifice not just uhh like that you know "oh I can do that just say a word and done". You could send him for some very rare thing because that potion/spell need it and in that adventure he can think if its worth if they already accepted him etc etc There is a lot of ideas you still can make something from it (spell failed, or somebody disrupted it).

Another thing is that yes Celestia is just OP I can deal with it you actually make her appearance good enough. Actually more is into that interrogation. It was much to short. And if there is mind reading then for there should be things to cheat it or block ? You can in theory cheat lie detector.

Overall idea of changeling change into (flutter)ponies via Celestia one spell is little ...strange and overdone.

I hope it help somehow probably i repeated self or something.

3811111 Okay, I understand. I planned this part to portray how powerful everybody thinks Celestia is before the last chapter, which kind of sets the setting for the sequel. Yes, I'm making a sequel. Let's just say that quite a bit happens while the spell is being cast, and after the spell is cast a certain princess is left quite vulnerable. The next chapter should be posted up soon, if you still want to read it.

Thanks for the advice! :pinkiehappy: I'll make sure to keep those things in mind as I keep writing, especially when including Celestia.

Not bad, but it made no sense for Celestia to interogate Silver when he wasn't with the other changelings. Luna might do such a thing, but Celestia has never been shown to make such rash decisions.

3812145 True, though we never really know how Celestia deals with any changelings she finds, and one could postulate that the reason this isn't shown is because she harbors a hatred towards them all and so she does not treat them fairly. After all, ponies can be very discriminatory ("Bridle Gossip"), and even benevolent alicorns can let emotions take hold of them and not think clearly (In "A Canterlot Wedding," it is possible that the reason Celestia lost against Chrysalis was because Celestia wasn't using her love towards her subjects to guide her but rather her hatred towards changelings and her hatred towards Chrysalis for taking her niece. Her overestimation of her power, I believe, could be counted as a rash decision as well. Also, in that same episode, Celestia could have made what seems to be a rash decision based on emotions when she completely ignores Twilight's accusation, not even bothering to talk to her student when she felt she had some explaining to do; she might have been able to notice something if she had heard Twilight's story, such as the green glow when she did magic instead of the light blue glow she used to have.)
I guess I wanted to make Celestia have a certain fault when it comes to changelings. (Also, notice how quickly Celestia offered to cast this life-threatening spell on a changeling? Normally she would hesitate a bit to place somepony's life on the line.)
Still, it is possible that I may have gone too far, or that I should have included a little more of a backstory to Celestia, but the latter may come in time :pinkiehappy:
Please check my reasoning to see if anything is off, and thanks for the comments! I have never written in Princess Celestia in one of my stories before this, so I guess it wasn't a good idea to portray her as less benevolent and try to make it seem logical. :twilightsheepish:

Comment posted by Chaptastic Gent deleted Jan 20th, 2014

The fact that celestia could have done the mind reading thing begs the question of why she even interogated him in the first place. Also, she calls bullshit on silver really quickly, despite the only thing that might have given the clue that he was lying, not looking her in the eye, is quickly made moot when his age Is taken into consideration. Also, she choked and burned a foal. It's REALLY hard to think that celestia, in any way, had any chance of having the moral high ground, when she did this to a foal, when she could've done the mind reading thing.

3813968 I understand, and I think I may know how to fix that. I'll make a couple of edits and see if it makes more sense why she didn't use it in the first place. Thanks for the comment! :pinkiehappy: I am kind of new to writing, and I appreciate the way you and many others have pointed out the inconsistencies in my story.

3814004
Makes much more sense this way.

Great story so far; looking forward to the next chapter.

3815880 Thanks! I guess sometimes, you just have to be told that something looks wrong for you to actually see it. Maybe next time I'll get some prereaders. :pinkiehappy:

I loved this version of celestia at least until she went 100% full on grade A jerk mode

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!