Applejack loves her little clearing in sweet apple acres, but she has yet to share it with anypony, but it doesn't stay that way for long. Soon, our favorite egghead lets her curiosity gets the best of her.
This is my first My Little Pony fanfiction, so any friendly criticism is appreciated. I apologise for any typos, the final edit and post was made on my smart phone, and and touch screens and my huge hands don't agree. Cover art by Naxts
I chose to create a relationship between Twilight and Applejack because I never see any shipfics of them.
Chapters (1)
To cute
By the title, I did not think this was going to be rated E.
Well played.
I liked it. The idea was very cute, and the characterization was spot on. (TwiJack/AppleSparkle is awesome!
) You did a good job for your first story, but I'd like to point out a couple of things.
There were quite a few mistakes throughout, and some of them were a little silly. If you go over your writing once more I'm sure you'll see what I'm talking about. Eg:
Continuing on, I think you should italicize their thoughts. You know, so it's easier on the audience to understand it's a thought before they get to the "she thought."
*Thumbs up + Favorite*
Oh, and I'd strongly suggest you put a summary of your story in the description right before your Author's Notes. If you described your story, it'd get more views and more publicity.
That's all I'll point out this time. I enjoyed reading it, and you have potential! Good luck in your future pony endeavors.
want me to link you to a few Twilight/AJ fics?^^
That was cute
Aww, you haven't seen any Twilight/Applejack stories? "Unintended" is one of the best shipping fics I've ever read, and it's TwiJack
Hmm. Is that a good story I'm sensing.
IT IS!
@Blue Dragon hey thanks for the insight. To be honest I wrote this back in august and just showed it to my brony friends at school. I was hoping to get useful criticism before I published it, but all I got was praise, so I didn't get around to posting it. Finally I decided to post it six months later, and you actually give me something useful. Fyi I did the final edit on my phone, and me having huge guitarist hands is probably why there are so many mistakes.
A cute little story. It had a bit too much of the SUDDENLY LOVE vibe for my tastes, but the characterizations were solid. I just would have liked to se a bit of buildup here, whether the attraction was there on backburner for a few months, or if they tried to talk a bit more before the kissing started. But a very nice story all the same.
... Errors. Bloody good errors.
Thid - This
mlp - MLP/My Little Pony
twilight and aj - Twilight and Applejack.
naxts - ?
Alright, I remembered when people didn't question the shipping law. Not saying that this story is bad, but to be honest. Applejack is made for Appledash and Rarijack. Twijack doesn't quite make sense.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/108/9/e/ship_png_by_ciscoql-d4wif6p.png
There is a middle line for Twijack, sorry mate. But I had to, I will be making a separate comment about the story itself.
@yatsuro- like I said, the final edit and post was made from my phone, so the many typos were caused by the tiny keyboard and my oversized guitarist sausage fingers. Naxts is the name of the artist for the cover art. Finally, who are you to judge who I ship? I chose to ship twilight and applejack purely because it doesn't happen often.
>> yasturo ignore this one, I'm trying to get used to the protocol of fimfiction. Read the other one.
>> Yasturo trying again
WOW! loved it
Great Job. I never see that much TwiJack anywhere which is a shame because ,in my opinion, they are the two most developed characters, and the most mature. You have my thanks for writing this.
Thumbs up from me.
I do have one style criticism though, (and I agree with most of what has been said by others, by the way.) There is a tendency to explain their emotions rather than showing us through dialogue. "Applejack said, sarcastically." is much less evocative than just rewriting AJ's dialogue so that she comes across as sarcastic without you having to tell us. It's a thing I noticed you doing several times.
Now I'm not saying rewrite this, I think it's fine and I gave you a thumb up, but I think it's something to keep in mind whenever you get around to writing your next story.
Dawwwwww
