• Member Since 20th Feb, 2012
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danail24


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Twilight decides to take her friends on a trip underneath Canterlot, in the old abandoned crystal cove systems. She would never have guessed what they would encounter there. Finding an unidentified life form that looks a lot like a hairless monkey with a bushy tail trapped within crystal, the group decides that Twilight should extract this rock formation and present it to princess Celestia so she'd decide what to do with it. However things go terribly wrong as the crystal shatters and the creature awakens from what seems to be suspended animation! The alien revealing itself as a Saiyan warrior goes rampant and after a few skirmishes manages to escape the capital.

Being the only one who is able to see past this mean-spirited warrior's violent nature, Pinkie Pie takes it upon herself to go on a journey all by herself, covering her tracks so her best friends and even the princesses themselves wouldn't be able to follow her, all in the name of her mission. A mission to find and befriend this Saiyan lady, no matter if she likes it or not! And once she does find her hilarity ensues! XD

So, it all comes down to a battle of wills! Who will win? The stone-hard fighter from space, with the strength to destroy entire planets, a crude personality, possessing abundant pride, an explosive temper, iron discipline and a nasty attitude

or...

A Technicolored pink earth pony, that is absolutely silly, annoyingly zany, happy, cute and amiable, and which you can't escape from once she gets an idee fixe about you!

Can this Saiyan win a battle against the most terrifying force in the Universe known as the Magic of Friendship? Place your bets everypony!

Dragon Ball Zee/ My little pony: Friendship is magic crossover, Hie

Artwork done by me. Rated Teen for Warrior lady swearing and a few violent scenes. ^^

PS: yes she can go SSJ

Update:
1. The events of this fanfic are unfolding in the span of 8 months before season three's finale.
2. I decided to change the title a bit because I am hoping that this way more people will give this fic a chance! :)

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 37 )

Sounds interesting. I can't read this now, but I'll be back!

A fellow Dbz story? I shall read

Okay, I actually read it, and my opinion so far is... it's alright.:trixieshiftright:

Some of the writing was a bit choppy, there were spelling mistakes (I'm no huge DBZ fan, but is it Frieza or Freeza?), and an OC Super Saiyan strikes me as a possible Mary Sue type character. I mean, regular Saiyans are already very powerful, why does it have to be a freakin' alien messiah? On the other hand, you established your OC as a powerful fighter with a heart of gold, you brought it back to the early days of the FiM universe, and set up a potential conflict with King Cold's family.

All in all, I give this chapter three elements of Harmony out of Lauren Faust. :pinkiehappy: Here's hoping you build up on this. I can always go for another great crossover.:twilightsmile:

2093377 Hey Thanks Salnax! Oh, I've made the OC SSJ on purpose! She will transform in the beginning (not counting the prologue now) for some dramatic effect and in the end for a climactic battle. But she won't be doing that much fighting so rest assured she won't be a messiah. She'll considered a threat, plus she ain't gonna act like a nice, little miss perfect Marry Sue. Quite the opposite of that actually:raritywink: Trust me! I'm going somewhere good with this!

Super saiyan eyes are green not blue and unless she's half human can't be trained into becoming a super saiyan

2094638Bullshit. Half-saiyan you say? Then what about Vegeta and Goku, hm? They're both full blooded saiyans and they've each reached SSJ4. (Though Vegeta cheated. He had Bulma make a machine to do it for him.)

And I did quite enjoy this story. Arraccia (can't remember the correct name. Just gonna call her Ara to save time.) doesn't really have much of a personality, but that's to be expected when she's only been given a few lines of dialogue. I will be tracking this, and can't wait to see where you take this.

2096607 Hey, thanks! Finally someone to defend my cause! I really appreciate it! :pinkiesmile: And much more of her personality will be revealed in the following chapter! I won't disappoint if you're into antiheroes! :raritywink: (the next chapter is coming up in maybe about 7 to 10 hours)

Goku and begets both experienced extrime ammounts of anger that is why they became super saiyans where as gohan, goten and (kid) trunks didn't. Goku went super because Frieza killed krillin and begets went super because he was angry he couldn'd surpass goku they didnt just train and became super anger is the key, I never said they couldn't go super but they had to do more then train to go super

Fukin auto-correct where is says negate its Kent to say Vegeta

God damn phone always fucks things up

2097277 Thanks for the idea, pal! :pinkiehappy: Now I'll start thinking on a "super anger" reason for the first transformation. It would make a good flashback for my character. :ajsmug:

Okay, I'm going to do a bad/good thing again.

The bad news: you mangled poor Applejack's dialogue, even more than necessary, you rushed the discovery of your Saiyan lady, you just hurried through what could have been 2 or 3 chapters of material, or at lest a more developed chapter, and considering how Twilight hangs around Gods every so often, it's strange how this character is the one that scares her.

On the bright side, you continued doing a good job setting up your OC's arc, created a reasonable environment for this part of the story, have a real conflict, and got things set into motion.

As for your Like/Dislike bar... I won't pretend it's not there for a reason. In your position, I'd go back and edit the first two chapters again, if only to set up a better base to work from. But don't be discouraged! My best received story's first rating was a Dislike. You have time to develop this tale and make it something special.

2097751 The Saiyan's background will start to unfurl itself as the story progresses. In the mean time.... would you care to expand on how I should proceed with editing my chapters? In details... explain this, explain that... everything to help so I can rewrite the first two chapters.

2097801 As a general rule, I find it useful to have somebody read through my stories before I post them. Real life friends are preferable, but people online can help too. I think there's a big group here on FIMFiction that's devoted to helping people proofread their stories.

If you're going to edit it yourself, try reading through what you wrote multiple times through different points of view. For example, read through the story once as yourself, to make sure everything you needed to do this chapter was done. Then make whatever changes are necessary. Then read it from the perspective of a Pony fan, specifically a fan of the characters/concepts you're focusing on. In this case, I'd double down on making sure that Twilight and Pinkie act in character. Rewatching an episode where they both feature prominently is a good idea because it gets you used to their dialogue again. Then, finally, I'd reread the story from the eyes of a DBZ fan who, hypothetically speaking, may know enough about Ponies to get by, but is really more concerned about your OC, their design, how they behave, etc.

As for specifics... I'm a bit busy at the moment. Homework, you know? But tonight, I'll go back and reread your first two chapters, pointing out possible mistakes and things that may confuse readers.

If it seems like I'm being hard on you, remember that I am at least as hard on myself. It's tough, but that's just the way I know how to write stories. In general, I find this story to have some problems, but it is a fundamentally interesting tale with a lot of potential.

2097868 Say, I know you just said that you're real busy with homework and all, but in case you think you might be able to make some time for it, how'd you like to proofread some of my chapters (at least these two). It doesn't have to be now or tomorrow; you can do it whenever you make some time! That is if you want to... If that's a no no, then I look forward to your next helpful review

2096703Trust me, I know not to judge hastily. A friend cameos my OC in his story, and I got one line of dialogue. In the comments everyone was saying 'I want to spit bile on Arcanus' or something to that effect. (One guy really did say spit bile on Arcanus) Really pissed me off, just because my OC happens to have a black coat. And yay, new chapter.

Okay, I finished reading the chapter. And i would agree with 2097751 on all his points. (If you're a girl, then sorry. Friggin impossible to tell gender behind a computer screen). You did really mangle AJ's dialogue. In my opinion, it's much better to type things the way you would normally type them, then after that go back and change only a few words every now and then. For example, say gonna as so instead of gunnah. Say fer instead of for if AJ was speaking in a pace faster than normal. Just, spread it out more. Also, you put AJ pretty OOC. You got it right where she would attack after Ara attacked RD. But she wouldn't be cowering behind Rarity at the first sign of danger. If anything, Rarity would be the one cowering.

Good Fluttershy mammal explanation though. And still quite enjoyable. Also, try and describe things. Like maybe what the cave looked like, besides dark and cavey. Try to describe the streets of Canterlot or the buildings surrounding them. Basically, give us something to work with. 'Cause I got very little mental imagery off of this chapter. Didn't get much out of the last chapter either but that's an exception. I mean, it was space. I can think of 3 ways to describe space:
1) Cold
2) Dark
3) Full of nothingness.

2101514 Oh, thanks! That helps me a lot! Will edit the chapter a little, based on your points! :yay:

So, just to get some things straight:

1 Don't go overboard when I spell out Applejack's lines
2 Tone down the cowering bit, not all of them should be so afraid (AJ being an example)
3. Salnax told me that I needed an explanation as to why Twilight was so afraid of Ara since Twilight hangs around gods pretty often. I honestly don't know how to go about that, except maybe toning down Twilight's fear a notch or two as well. (I originally planned that Twilight would simply sense the overflowing power hidden inside Ara and that would terrify her)
4 Be more descriptive on environmental atmospheres (I'm planning on describing Canterlot in the next Chapter when Ara gets out and takes a look out the window); Space, I think I may be capable to describe, since it's an empty void and it could contribute for a good depressive mood.

I'd appreciate a short answer so you'd let me know you got my reply. And for the record, I'm a guy:scootangel:

2101908Well I was referring to Salnax, but that's good to know too. But in the general scheme of things, yeah you got things right. As for Twilight's fear, I can see how that would justify it. Technically, saiyans are already tuned in to the ways of Ki and Ki usage. Ki in terms of DBZ is the Equestrian equivalent of magic. Now, a super saiyan has ungodly amounts of ki. So I can see where you're coming from. But I will agree that you may have overdone it a bit. Still, you're on the right track there, and you're working on correcting your mistakes; that shows you're improving as an author.

what? celestia please the doctor raised her better then that. she may do a little colateral damage but she would never hurt anypony.

This is awesome :pinkiehappy: just need to proof read...MOAR :flutterrage:

Well this took forever to update.

2094638 Kakarotto, who was born on Bejiitasei and is only human in his mind and soul, was the FIRST to transform. Vegeta is pure Saiyajin in every way, and attained Super Saiyajin.

The part about the eyes is at least right, though.

Yes! I was waiting for this to be updated1

That whole Legendary part, is that a reference to the greatest saiyan to ever live, Broly

Why don't you have "D.R"? Discords Rule? I think that was an important part to equestrias history.

3938229 Yeah, I could add it! I'll put it in the author's notes now. Thnx!:pinkiehappy:

3936695 Nope! It's a tribute to one of those life-changing speeches that one of the Dragon Ball Z characters likes having from time to time in the series! He's a really arrogant one, that DBZ cannon character! :raritywink: Try again!

3939241 Straight on! I doubt anybody will guess the original scene so I'll put in the link here:

How's about it? Does Arra's speech resemble this one in any way?:ajsmug:

Don't forget has a giant monkey...form

Thank god I thought he meant Penis!

Good story:pinkiehappy: Look forward to updates.

MJ

Oh, congratulations on quitting on this story. You must be soooooo proud of yourself...dick.

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