• Member Since 31st Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 19th, 2015



Story can also be found on deviantart here----> http://chrysalisxcelestia.deviantart.com/

Chrysalis seeks peace with Equestria and Celestia. Celestia has a hard time trusting the Queen but tries to give her a chance. She may soon realize that an old foe may become more than even a friend! Meanwhile both their kingdoms have trouble dealing with the sudden alliance. These two not only need to get their relationship straight but their government and society settled as well; and they'll need each other to do it.

Trixie has messed up but doesn't want to be such a bad mare. She grows fondness towards her rival, Twilight, but still has her pet peeves about who is best. Twilight wants to help Trixie but has a hard time getting past Trixie's stubbornness. Their intertwined love/hate relationship cause them to end up in a mysterious temple.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 10 )

I Like the OC, remind me of your avatar... Wait ?
It is your avatar ! :pinkiehappy:

Keep up the good work :yay:

@Beatrix: Thanks for the compliment and commenting and yea, he's my Ponysona :twilightsmile: and which part was funny?:ajsmug:

ugh...chapter is too painful, the overuse of I's killed this for me, and if that didn't; all the explanations of events did. Might have been better if you had just shown the events instead of explaining them. Still, good luck and I hope this story helps you grow. : )


Yea I see what you mean about the "I" 's:facehoof:and if you mean Celestia telling her side of the flashback I suppose I get what you mean however this story is suppose to be heavily from Celestia and Twilight's perspectives.

The writing is very awkward. You tend to change tenses and use some odd phrases like "eye vision". That's not something someone would say. For one thing, it's redundant since people don't have another kind of vision. Is English your first language? Well, that's not my business, I suppose. However, I think you could use some help on just general flow. I recommend getting a beta reader to look over things for you before posting them.

Also, as someone else pointed out, you really overuse the word "I" in the Celestia POV section.


Yea I actually thought about getting an editor since it seems like a good idea that works (a fresh pair of eyes and different way of thinking) so I'm certainly going to look for someone who may be interested (I'd be interested in proofreading their stuff as well).

The reason I went with eye vision is to try to show Twilight's precise thinking in the way she sees the world (since she is the smartest mare in Ponyvillle). Kind of like Mr. Fantastic speaking to the FF or Avengers, etc.

If yer gonna be changing POVs during your story, ya really need ta make sure yer doin' somethin' with it, ta make it add to the story an' not detract from it.

Yer formattin' ain't consistent at all. Sometimes ya single-space paragraphs, sometimes ya double-space 'em, an' it makes some paragraphs look a lot longer an' more run-on than they are. Then even ignorin' that, yer pacin' is awful, rushin' through major events in a coupla paragraphs. Ah jus' gave up on it near the end a' chapter one.

Decided ta peek at the last chapter ta see if it's any better than the first. An' it really ain't, but.

The room was bitch dark, making it impossible to see two inches in front of you.

The room was bitch dark,

bitch dark

...ah'm not sure whether that's the worst way ah've ever heard ta describe a dark room, or the best.

I know your a busy man, but you should promote this more. Struggling authors, writers group, and the Equestrian Critics society are a good place to start :twilightsmile:

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