• Member Since 23rd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 16th, 2019

CivilWarPony


Here's all you need to know about me. I am a college student, I love history, video games, music, writing, reading, and drawing. Also I am a Civil War reenactor. Need to know anything else?

T

Fifteen years have passed since Littlepip brought peace to Equestria. But now, the clouds of a civil war loom on the horizon. Relations between the Grand Pegasus Enclave and a group of outcasts known as the Dashites are beginning to deteriorate. Fluttershy must find a way to mend the rift before all out war once again consumes Equestria. Enlisting the help of Airborne, one of the few Dashites roaming the Equestrian Wasteland, to solve the age old mystery of what Rainbow Dash's final fate. She hopes that if this question can be answered it might end the conflict before it begins. Airborne now has the task of preserving the dearly bought peace by finding out what happened to the greatest Pegasus in Equestria's history In order to do so he must travel through Equestria to uncover the what happened to Rainbow Dash after the Last Day. Failure is not an option.

Edited by Marlow.
Formatted by Tetragrammaton.
Cover art by Turtledude.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 40 )

Holy shit man, the enter key is your friend. Remember, break up your paragraphs, and also start a new paragraph for every new sentence. For example, this:

Airborne puts down the letter and says, “Who is this general anyway and how did he find out we were here?” Fractured replies, “He must have followed your tracks across the Wastes and then followed them here either way it doesn’t matter he isn’t going to get you.”

Should become this:

Airborne put down the letter and said, “Who is this general anyway, and how did he find out we were here?”

Fractured replied, “He must have followed your tracks across the Wastes and then followed them here. Either way it doesn’t matter, he isn’t going to get you.”

Relating to the above, you also have a nasty habit of switching from past tense (ie. he said) to present tense (ie. he says). The former is generally better to write, and you really don't want to go around switching them willy-nilly for no reason.

Also, pertaining to the whole concept of the story, wasn't the whole point of Dash's backstory in the original Fallout Equestria the fact that her body could never be found? I only skimmed through this, so I didn't catch many details, but I remember in the original that Dash went out to fight Gilda, and we knew nothing after that.

But the above is just nitpicking. My advice: get an editor. The story's formatting right now is a mess, and needs to be revised, but I can see this working if you pull it off right.

Ho boy, Crystal empire I see...

Well, I just hope you come up with something creative for what happened there. I have two ideas, one ripped straight from some horror movie I saw and the other my own imagination.

Good luck I guess, you're going to need it.

Too tired to read it all tonight, but this should be good. A little hard to read btw. A good break in dialogue goes a long way. Usually after each pony is done talking and the next speaks up. Otherwise pretty good.

I could use some help editing the story.

You would be correct. In the original story all we know is that Rainbow Dash fought Gilda but then after that we don't know what happens to her. She isn't even confirmed to be dead just missing.

Can i get a link to the original story?

2027628
A link to fallout equestria? :0

If so...Sure~


^_^

b-but... Rainbow Dash is supposed to be forever a mystery.

I am glad that so many have responded positively to this.:pinkiehappy:

Hopefully I will be able to upload part 6 by later today

As someone said, you should really need to hit the enter button more often. I could bearly read it and I bearly could follow along with the story that you were telling. It was also kind of hard for me to know who was talking and where were the voices coming from. Now, your idea is sound, your use of characters is good, and I like the sounds of some of the action. If you were to work on the previous errors, I bet this could be even greater.

2103837 If I could get some help editing it that would be awesome

I am glad people really liked this story. I put alot of work into it to make it great. Please comment and tell me what you liked about it.

Aside from some minor errors,your story was a good read,albeit a short one but still good but still,the mystique from the mystery of Rainbow Dash's ultimate fate is somewhat broken...then again it is very much like her to do something like taking an extended nap. Cheers for the story friend :pinkiehappy:

Good but it felt really rushed. Alos the plural for Pegasus is pegasi.

3212540

Alright well I will definitely keep that in mind when I write more. Sorry if it felt rushed.

Hello. I'm IncoherentOrange of WRITE, and I'm here to review your story. Since you've made a request for special attention to the characters, plot and dialogue, I'll try to keep my grammatical grievances to a minimum. I can't serve as your editor, I'm afraid, but there are certainly groups of people who can in several places on this very site. The following is, surprisingly enough, mostly my opinion and little else, so feel free to take anything I say with a few crystals of sodium chloride.

Starting with the title area and description seems prudent. Your description needs to be as good as it can be in order to attract the optimum number of viewers, and it must be appropriately tagged. For starters, your spacing is inconsistent, and sometimes there are spaces where there ought to be pieces of punctuation. This shows a lack of care and makes it look to me like you've done the equivalent of jotting the story down and never looking back on your work. Sloppy, in a word. Other things I'll list in point form:
-Where's the "dark" tag? No "dark" tag on a FO:E story doesn't make sense to me.
-"pegasus" is not a proper noun in this case, regardless of what auto-correct might say. You don't call yourself a "Human", do you?
-Sentences three and four should be one sentence and just seem strange in general.
-"Age old" should be "age-old".
-It's blocky. Could be spaced out a bit and it might look better.

Now, as I look at the first chapter, it looks like you've made every part of the story blocky. There's no need to conserve space on a page as though the story were in print, so why compact all of your paragraphs into a sort of sandwich? It looks neater to my eyes to see them spaced. In fact, it's much harder to read for me when there aren't spaces. What's with the perspective? Your verbs are in inconsistent tenses (your usage of simple present verbs makes me think that is the perspective you go for, but you sometimes use simple past when in another similar situation you use simple present), which reads a bit strangely, too. But that's enough of such things. Oh yes, and I don't think it's necessary to repeat the title of the story and your username at the top of the first chapter. On to what you really want me to talk about.

Your writing style has the story simply telling us what is going on or has gone on rather than showing it in any way. Even small things like having a character observe what another looks like rather than outright telling the reader what they look like can aid the reader in staying immersed in the story and the characters' perspectives. You do it alright sometimes, but other times it's all tell and no show.

The second chapter shows use of onomatopoeia. I will strongly recommend that you never use such a thing. The characters you've introduced so far aren't much more than descriptions and names, which makes it difficult to really care about what happens to them. The dialogue thus far falls fairly flat, probably because of the bland characters, whose characteristics sometimes seem only informed rather than really there, like Airborne's alleged stoicism. Further detracting from the efficacy of the dialogue is how blandly punctuated and articulated it is; I sometimes imagine an inflectionless robot talking when the characters speak, and it's not hard. Speaking of Airborne, his backstory as he tells it in the third part is fairly generic, and doesn't really add much substance to him.

Also, I have to wonder: why does the story's description describe a time of dicey peace between the Dashites and the Enclave when it seems to be common knowledge that the latter assassinates members of the former with great regularity? That doesn't sound like any kind of peace. "Beginning to deteriorate", the description says, but if that's the beginning of the deterioration, it couldn't have been very much a peace beforehand, if a peace at all.

Another thing that I've found issue with is the pacing. Whole days go on over the course of a single sentence, and as soon as the characters reach a location, it just seems like they're almost immediately in another. Even the dialogue is paced irregularly; you have different characters talking in the same paragraph, which, if I'm not mistaken, is always incorrect.

Now, the characters haven't had much trouble in doing anything they actively set out to do. They subvert the raiders to their cause almost effortlessly, the train attack had little air of danger, and they find leads with anti-climactic ease. It gives the feeling like the world is on easy mode for this band of travellers on a journey. I guess I just find it boring, not quite sure why. Even when Darkstar dies, there's just not much impact whatsoever, because we don't know much about him.

Overall, little grabs me about the first half of the story, and that seems to me like a real problem. There are a lot of grammatical errors that would take a long time to fix, especially with the way the story is formatted, and the dialogue and characterization needs more flair to help the reader distinguish and form connections with the characters. The pacing could see great improvement, and more description should be used to separate events. Most of this is simply my opinion, but that is all I can give.

I hope I could be of some assistance,
~IncoherentOrange, WRITE's Rambling Citrus

3491100

Thanks for taking the time to go over my story. I am currently trying to edit the story and make sure it flows better.

Very good! The formatting is much, much better now. Bon travaill!

The formatting is horrible makes it hard to read but it looks like it will be a good read

5977258

Yeah I have been updating the format to try and make it easier to read.

Is this the first one?Or the M.I.A. one?

6137075

The first fic is Fallout Equestria: Forget followed by Finding Rainbow Dash, M.I.A., and Memories Best Left Buried.

Hello, does your stories follow some order? Or it doesn't matter in what order I read them.
Thanks.

6574490

My stories in chronological order are Forget, Finding Rainbow Dash, M.I.A., and Memories Best Left Buried

Comment posted by Sweetolebob18 deleted Nov 27th, 2017

I deleted a whole bunch of grammar corrections. Let's just say that, IMO, your verbs wander from past to present & it's distracting but to Hell with it. I'm just going to read the story & not try to rewrite it.

8574374
It was the first story i wrote so yeah the punctuation is a mess.

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