I'm doing stuff, Carl. Thiiiiiiiiiiings
Lacking the ability to experience emotions was beneficial in Void's line of work, but when that is taken away will he be able to change what he once was?
UPDATE: So, thanks to circumstances in life and a very good idea from one of my readers (thank you!) I have cut this story off at chapter 13 so that it has a happy ending. I don't have the pain filled angst to make it sad and depressing anymore, and for that I am thankful.
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Well...
If you're looking for constructive criticism, I'd sugest re-writing the first two chapters in first-person, which is the standard for FoE fics.
Also, i regret to inform you that Void is a bit of a Gary Stu.
What's a gary stu?
And is it a problem writing in third person. It feels a little more natural (at least to me).
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While writing in the third person is not a bad thing, most Fallout Equestria fanfics follow Kkats style and write in the first person, at least the ones I have seen.
A gary stu is basically a one dimensional character. Some common indicators of a character being like this are the following. The character could have no depth, they fit a stereotype mold perfectly, they are never hurt and are unable to fail at whatever task is placed before him, they have in-explainable powers that make them just plain better than anyone else etc.
Oh, well that makes sense. Void is definitely one-dimensional, but there is a reason the opal he is searching for can convey emotions...
And if you think this Void is a bad Gary Stu you should have seen the original *mumbles something about previous incarnation being whiny emo bitch*
617718
the third person thing is okay, it just feels a bit clunky.
As regards Void, he's just too good. And i know he's stoic, but the reader needs something they can "connect" with.
My thought was having him feel a bit alien at first, something will happen to reverse that later
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Alright, I redid what I have so far in first person and added the footnote tool like in the original FoE. I am a little to close to the subject matter to determine whether it's better or worse now.
Additionally, I was wondering if I should turn my prologue into chapter 1 and add a prologue more in line with Kkat's 'this is my story' type prologue.
Thoughts?
It feels much smoother now!
Good job!
but, try to use the word "I" a bit less in future.
also, i think the prolouge's fine, but Void still feels to strong. perhaps later in the story, something could happen to weaken him?
If you're going to do what i think you'll do, perhaps he feels strong enough guilt to interfere with his abilities?
Anyway, keep going!! You're doing well!
'try to use the word "I" a bit less in future.'
This, very much this.
Give a me some time to get round to reading it properly and I can give you better crit.
ha, thanks! I just now got back into writing it thanks to encouragement from my brony MWO clan, so all that stuff I just uploaded was written in the last few weeks.
Sorry about the wait.
Yep. I'm part of the EQRG.
They're some pretty good guys. Encouraging and nice.
If you want, their web address is this
Well Regs your comment isn't seeming to show up for me for some reason anymore, nor is the response I wrote to it, but your idea was very good and I went with it. Thank you.
I have absolutely no drive to write right now. Objectively I want to, but since I write for my own pleasure I can't just crap out a story for all of you. Hopefully I'll get the itch in a month or so, but I can not in good faith give any sort of a time zone. Sorry
I feel really bad about not feeling up to writing more right now.
Oh crap son! I thought I was alone in the FoE community writing in the third person. But it looks like I was wrong. The story looks okay, though personally I would space out the lines of dialogue and the paragraphs. I mean I like to read books on pages with this kind of spacing, but for a single page it really doesn't work all that well. Just some friendly advise.
- Noakwolf
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Whoa, holy shit, I thought this fic had died. Yeah, there are definitely problems with it but I can't see myself fixing them any time soon. I can't really deal with existentially depressing FoE stuff anymore, and honestly it all seems kinda like crap to me. Ever see that South Park episode where Stan starts seeing everything as crap? Yeah, that.
Anyway, thanks for giving it a read though, and thanks for commenting
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story looks dead comment-wise, but I look forward to reading the story.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
well, that's one way to get a girl.
This was a good story, although, It feels unfinished at the end.
It's making me think that a sequel is coming up, though if this isn't your plan that I suppose this is acceptable.
Wow, apocolapse bulk biceps is a dick...