• Member Since 12th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 11th, 2018


Hey! So I'm basically new here and just learning the ropes of writing fanfiction. Let's see how it goes. I'm also the translator of the great "Spike's Mirror" by Saldana.


‘Have you ever,’ she started, ‘broken a promise you made?’

Celestia and Luna live a carefree childhood at Canterlot Castle, but its end approaches far too quickly — no matter how much they struggle, they find themselves drifting apart. And without their noticing, a new evil rises that could drive a wedge between them for good...

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 125 )

Amazing story, looking forward to seeing where you are going with this :ajsmug:

Very good! I think we have a similar way of writing. 5 stars :twilightsheepish:

DAMN. That was some good schitt

Another story about the princesses that looks better than mine :derpytongue2:, This is lovely :twilightsmile:. Love your portray of Celestia. Luna is a bit too dark, but I like how sensible you made her. Can't get enough good versions of their past history.

Hmm, very interesting indeed. A little jumpy in places, but considering its length and the large period of time events are taking place over, there is not too much that could be done about that.

Regardless, very nice story you have here. I am intrigued. Keep up the great work!

This. made. me. cry. *cue sappy moment*
I felt I could actually relate to Luna in this fic. From her describing the "buzzing" she heard (I've heard similar buzzing, had similar feelings of doing something terrible), her doubts about her future (which is something I think a lot of people experience), and her resentment towards Celestia. The line "You’re so loved, god, you have no idea how loved you are." struck me as so profound; I once said something very similar to someone.

BUT before I make you feel all awkward about me sharing some personal back-story, just know that when a story makes me feel such emotion, it is an automatic favourite of mine. I LOVE it when a story does that; it's so refreshing. I'm a sucker for tragic stories, and Celestia and Luna's history has the potential to be extremely tragic. I'll definitely be keeping tabs on this story.
Your prose is fantastic. You've made the story beautiful, without using "purple" prose. One suggestion I might have is to work on the clarity of your descriptions. Sometimes I got confused. It's difficult to keep track of busy settings when each scene has a "time-jump".
I did notice a could of typos here and there. An example: I found the word "here" when it should have been "her". I wish I could locate the exact sentence, buuut I got distracted by the rest of the story :P (that's a good thing btw).
Otherwise, again, this is fantastic. Well done; hope to see more of this soon! :D

I am loving this so far! Very excited to see where this is going; keep up the good work!

I love Luna, glad to read a fic about the sisters, too!
Also learned a new word, regicide... that was powerful when I read it, looking forward to your work.

This is a really saddening and great story!
The emotions evoked are quite poignant and the past of the two sisters is very will constructed.
An awesome beginning to what surely will be an epic tale!

Thank you all so much for the comments! I'm glad it affected at least some of you.
As for the jumpiness: I agree. I think this will become much less of a problem in the coming chapters, since they take place in a shorter amount of time for the most part.

Thank you so much! It means a lot to me that it emotionally resonated with you in that way. I had the express intention not to make use of any purple prose, and much less kitsch. I hate emotional manipulation, so I tried to evoke that kind of sentiment in a more natural fashion. There'll be more about that "buzzing" and Luna's emotional development in the next part (obviously).

I had doubts about continuing with this story, especially since the reaction on Eqd is really weird (4.7 stars, but very few comments). I guess this means it didn't speak to most people, or they got bored with it pretty quickly? No idea. But your comments inspire me to go on :yay:

Absolutely amazing!!!!

I've been looking for a story that tells Celestia's side of the story, and this one is absolutely perfect. Such great writing
I'm really looking forward to the rest of this tale!

148619 Thank you so much, I'm glad you like it!

Wow, this is really great stuff you've written, I just can't get over how great our community is as a whole. Thanks a whole lot for writing this. Hoping to read some more sometime soon!

This made me start to tear up, this is really compelling and I wish to read the finished product someday. This is coming from the son of an author, I know my words and choose them well, you however can take that step further and command feelings not just words. Let nothing discourage you from writing, I know the finished product will be sad but in a good way.

I liked it, though I wonder how you will fit Discord into this, or even Heart Warming's Eve. Though you of course can ignore that and make you own story.

I wonder if the voices Luna hears are the conspirators manipulating her.

I had just read a different story showing Luna's side, but your's is swaying me to be on Celestia's side again.
I'm gonna go MAD with all this side-switching :pinkiecrazy:

Great job! :yay:

I have to say I could never get in to a Fan Fic that about Celestia. But this was caught my interest from begging to the end of the chapter. Everything is written so well and easy to understand. I'm going to be tracking your story and I can't wait for an update. Please keep up the good work.:scootangel::scootangel::scootangel:

liked this quite a bit . I'm curious to see what happens next and might I tell you that this inspired me to write my own fanfic . not about anything really related it's actually about a pony heist but still .

I'm enjoying the story! One style note: when a character's speech spans multiple paragraphs, you omit the closing quotes on each paragraph except the last. You've done this. However, each paragraph starts quotes. So to take excerpts from Sweetcorn's story:

“When the Two Sisters saw this, they grew fearful. ... What gave the Sisters the right to keep it to themselves, when the ponies had famines, winter and wilderness to fight?

"The Sisters pondered long and deep, but they could not think of any way to drive off the enemies without a fight; and even though they were very powerful, they did not like to fight, for the warmth of the Flame had made them complacent and tender.

"But when the clash appeared inevitable, ... as though devoid of physical substance.

"When the Sisters saw this, they were all the more frightened. ... He proclaimed that he knew a way to stave off the warrior ponies outside, and that he would do it without the Sisters getting their hooves dirty. He proposed them his help.”

very well done. I found myself absorbed into the stories of the princesses and queen. Curious to see where you go next with this

One word, beautiful, I was moved by this story.

The plot and the characters are all so well thought and planned out. The characters have purpose and I simply love how the current enemy (Sweetcorn) can be so provocative. The whole story seems very organized, and how the whole story gives a negatives mood creates more suspense and interest. Honestly, one of the best FiMFictions, I've read to date. Oh yes, I'd like to compliment on your vocabulary also, there are still words I cannot comprehend without pondering deeply into the context. Let's hope your writing doesn't deteriorate either, I find in a lot of fictions that the writing just get progressively worse. So far, this is gradually becoming better and better.

Exceptional job, I truly do not have the patience for the upcoming chapter. But of course, please do take your time.

The writing is very well thought out and the progression is very sensible, I simply have trouble waiting for more, however the quality must be maintained, against what anyone may say always write for yourself first and your fans later.

side note: this is one of the most beautifully written pieces i have come across, not just in fics either, You could easily become a successful published author if you wrote any non-pony related stories i am sure of it :twilightsmile:

Thank you all for the kind comments! I'm glad you liked this chapter.

As for continuing the series, well. I'm a bit disheartened by the overall lack of response and indifference this fic seems to provoke. You are the shining exception, though, thank you so much!

But truth be told, 15,000 word chapters don't write themselves, especially if you have any kind of quality standard, and it's simply easier to find the energy for that when you've got 60 comments on a chapter rather than 6. I'm not sure if I can keep it up. I hope so, but we'll see.

Thank you for sticking with this story, however. It means the world to me.

178617 well I sincerely hope you do. this inspired me to start writing fanfics and it turns out writing is very soothing for me. I thank you for that and I thank you for an amazing story. I'll try to share this story with as many people as I can so that you can get more support behind you

Truly amazing.

I can't even find the words to describe how in awe at this chapter I am.
The writing style --> Brilliant.
The plot --> Amazing
Absolutely everything is perfect. The time and effort you put into each and every sentence is evident
I am more engrossed in this story, than in the last published stories I have read.
I've already recommended this to all of my friends that like My Little Pony, but after this chapter I'm going to recommend it to ALL of my friends.

I really hope you continue with this. You've set such an amazing start up, I'll follow this to the end!

Hmm, very intriguing indeed. All is not well in our fair land of Equestria.

The pacing of this chapter was vastly improved and thus it flowed much more naturally. Your style is quite befitting of a story of this nature and manages to capture the scope of the tale you are weaving quite well.

However, be careful to make sure that all of your characters don't seem too smart. It prevents the creation of a range of three-dimensional characters, instead of having just one or two like you have now. An easy trap to fall in to.

Overall, I am enjoying this story a lot. Keep up the great work!

A few months ago I seemed to have lost my passion for reading. Finding amazing stories such as yours is helping me get it back. Thank you so much for writing this, and though I'm no judge it seems to me that this chapter is even better than the last. Incredible story, beautifully written. Keep up the wonderful work.

I have a little complaint about the "time". You make them grow, mature, as they were normal ponies, I think that making them growing slower would be better. I mean, it implies that Luna started to breakdown in just about twenty years.. I found that was quite fast for an immortal being, or for a being with a very long lifespan.
Well, we see through the eyes of Celestia, so we can't know what she is subjected to and you also stated that they didn't seem to grasp the concept of eternal life.. However, it still feels a little bit rushed. Well, it's not like NMM will be the next day ? Right ? :twilightblush:

I find her weirdness and the fact that she's a little different from other pony very great, though. Too bad we didn't see much about this, well, still in the eye of Celestia. :twilightsmile:

I appreciate your story, by the way.:pinkiehappy:
Onward to the next chapter ! :raritywink:

I absolutely LOVE the story, but i hate the idea of you not writing it. :pinkiesick:
Please keep writing, your work is enthralling and it's one of my favorite fanfictions.

I like how in just one chapter Celestia has like 25 reality checks. My brain practically exploded when she read Acier's parchment! The part about the attack in the square was totally unexpected- it took me by surprise. Call me crazy, but I love it when writers somehow manage to bend my emotions with every sentence they put into their stories. You have definitely earned my love with this one.

It took me awhile to read the whole chapter, i had to stop a couple of times to do other stuff, like eat :rainbowlaugh: , but every time i came back, your words would pull me back into your world filled with brave statements and belligerent rebel ponies.

Actually, after writing all of this, i might reread this chapter to relive the amazing. :twilightsmile:

I think that's a very valid complaint. I just honestly don't know how I could have spread it out even further, because even over the course of a good fifteen years, this chapter has a certain jumpiness to it.
The following events take place in a much more compressed timeframe, though.

Well since you commented on my blog post I guess I am obligated to comment on your amazing story. :trollestia: Honestly I am enjoying it a lot, filly Celestia is something hard to enter into and you are pulling the transition off well. I am excited for future chapters and glad to hear you are writing more! I know they are big chapters and you fear for both your hands and our attention spans but fear not! We come from a Fandom with other Fics that have just as much if not more! The longer ones are always the best too. :raritywink:
your take on Luna's ascent to NMM is interesting, I would have thought that she would have the issues after Discord but when we are young we are not always in control so I can see how they come out when she is younger.
Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

This really is great.

It's actually hard to put into words my full feelings on it. On one hand, you've taken such a "conventional" (and I mean that with no disrespect) fantasy approach to the core story. On the other hand, your handling of the relationship interplay between Celestia and Luna is exquisite. To be honest, the relationship stuff is more interesting to me at the moment, simply because I've read plenty of compelling fantasy. All that said, I really did enjoy it, thank you, and don't give up on a great story just begun.

Now, just because I'm anal about such things, I'm gonna point out one wording error you made; Even minor ones, like these, can break the "Spell" for me for a page or more, otherwise I wouldn't bring it up :)

"Normal ponies could never understand, yet alone combat them." You want to use the phrase "let alone". Yet alone is grammatically correct, but means something different that, in context, makes no sense :).

Thanks! Fixed. I may not be a native speaker, but this particular mistake was a honest-to-god typo. Cad and I do our best, but sometimes stuff slips through :trollestia:

Ooooohhh New cover image, Me gusta. :twilightsmile:

I'm glad you like it! I'm quite happy with it myself, I think it fits way better than the generic old one :trollestia:

Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes :twilightsmile:

Gah new chapter!? Is it ok if i read it tomorrow? To sick for this tonight. :pinkiesick:

New Chapter!!! Time to drop everything and read!

I know what it's like to write long chapters and get few comments since I started writing (You've been a large inspiration for me. Both your writing, and how you write 16,000 word chapters even with a small fan-base has inspired me to continue) so here’s a long deeply thought out comment. Hope you enjoy!

First things first, I love the new picture and summary. The first one was perfect for the first chapter, but this new one just seems to encompass everything while allowing for so much more. Did you draw it? (That would be even more impressive)

Onto the chapter. When I read this I see 16,000 words that have been perfectly thought out. Every word chosen to come to life, every sentence to flow off the page, every paragraph perfectly crafted and placed to further the story at the perfect pace. When I read this, it feels more like a professional story than just a Fan Fic.

One of the things I love so much is your characterizations. Each and every character is so deeply developed, that they seem more alive than actual people. We not only see their ideas and personalities clash and combined, but even their flows of thoughts, strengths and weaknesses, and own feelings that fit so well, and even the background ponies have so much thought put into them. Even the writing style aids in their development. The first paragraph is very action based - little dialogue - that contrasts greatly with the second paragraph. Not only does this keep everything interesting, but it puts contrast on Luna’s character due to this difference in writing. As you can tell, I’m in love with your characters.

I wish to talk a bit about the second section. You incorporate quite a bit of politics, something that can be very boring if not done right. However having these characters different minds come together, presenting opinions and idea, mixed with their own personas, and makes it so interesting to read.

There is a perfect balance between the dialogues and actions, making it never seem to drone on but always new and exciting. There are so many ideas that are weaved in, and knowing these things about Celestia and Luna that others don’t make extremely interesting interactions. The constant references back chapters, bringing up Sweetcorn's story, or just thinking about previous actions, seem to connect the story and gives everything meaning by making everything seem to have importance.

I could go on and on with praise. How perfectly the ending comes together, yet still leaves so many questions. Questions about Acier, about Sweetcorn, about the upcoming Gala, and about the future. But I believe that every review should come with some criticism to improve upon. After searching and searching, I could not find a single word out of place, a single sentence that should be edited, or a single event that wasn’t perfectly paced.

You have a great talent with words. I eagerly await more, knowing that when it comes it will be absolutely perfect. And for that, I will gladly wait

"Some ponies just want to see things happen." Is this a Dark Knight reference?
Some ponies just like to watch the world burn. :twilightsheepish:

Good chapter a lot of this going on this chapter and 16,000 words. My gosh I don't think I ever read a chapter that was this long. Keep up the good work.

I love how you deal with big ideas and issues. You've built up strong characters, and a solid world for them. But most importantly, I can allow my mind to exist in the story. I'm not distracted by big inconsistencies, or things that just don't "groove" And I feel with the characters. You've handled dialogue well, I find it realistic and very easy to read aloud.

Plot progression, world/history building, beautiful imagery and character development. Yes! Very nicely done!

A thoroughly enjoyable chapter. I am really enjoying the direction this story is taking, and I am really liking the slowly tightening noose around the nation's neck. Something dark is coming, and oh boy am I excited!

I do have to say, however, to watch out for tense slips. There were a fair few of them in the first scene. (And one or two straight afterwards.) Writing in present tense for a scene is ok (if it's for a specific purpose), but make sure it's consistent! But then, other than a few awkwardly worded sentences, not too bad at all. Your prose style is really quite expressive, something that I really enjoy.

In summary, a great update! I can't wait to see what's next! Keep up the awesome work!

274115 Thank you very much! I truly appreciate long comments like this, that you enjoy my story so much really means a lot to me. As for the lack of response, I'm beyond caring right now. I feel a need to finish this story, an excitement, even, and I guess that is all that counts! I urge you too to keep writing, the only direction it can ever go is up.

277620 The same is true for you, Mystic, thanks for your thought-out comments. I appreciate that you also point out weaknesses and inconsistencies in the story, it's enormously useful for improvement. I'm very glad you like this chapter :)

Thanks to all who take the time to read! The next chapter will be... quite exciting. I think. Hopefully, also done much sooner! I'm already 7,500 words in, and I'll try to keep it a bit shorter this time. :rainbowdetermined2:

I had my assumptions of who Corn was since chapter two, I think this confirms it.


This story is too amazing :yay: good work :raritywink:

Benedict and Arnold for the Lieutenants names. Are we invoking the meaningful names trope here?

322338 To be honest, it was just a joke. I guess I had way too much fun with their names. But yeah, they're not that important. :trollestia:

Login or register to comment