Behind her pen name

by DustShine

The Story

In her tree house Twilight Sparkle sits at her desk bending over a simple blank scroll. Beneath the scroll there lay a few books, romance novels, which have one thing in common. They are all written by the same author, Butterscotch.
His works aren't very popular and Twilight Sparkle discovers him randomly, when she has looked through the new releases this month. One of them is a novel from Butterscotch. The title is "Earthbound",and the novel deals with a pegasus stallion, who turns his back on his former life in Cloudsdale and starts a new life at the ground. There he discovers the wonders of the earth: Animals, trees, soil and finally... love. He falls in love with the female unicorn librarian in a Town near her new-build house. But he is very shy, so that it is difficult for him to approach her. Still he managed to take all of his courage to finally ask her out for a date. The librarian gladly accepts the offer and at the end they are living together happily.
Although it sounds like a rather ordinary story, for Twilight it means quiet a lot, because she can identify herself easily with the librarian mare. In fact Twilight feels almost like she is the mare in this novel.

And now she wants to express her admiration in a simple letter to Butterscotch. Still there is more than just admiration; it is affection to this stallion. It has taken her a while and many novels written by him to realize this, but today she knows, that it was affection. Strong affection. In her letter she doesn't only want to express herself, but also wants to offer a meeting with him. She is the personal protege of the princess and she rescued the world twice, so he can’t say no. That is her plan at least, but it seems to fail already at the step “writing the letter to him”.

Twilight groans loud, while her face hits the desk in deep frustration.
“Why is it so hard to write a letter to him? It is not like I confess my undying love to him!” Twilight blushes hard, when she realizes, what she is just saying.
With a long sigh Twilight stands up and goes down to make herself a tea for calming her now strained nerves.
She is right about to boil the water, when she suddenly hears someone knocking at the door.
“Fluttershy”, Twilight thinks immediately, when she hears how shy and quiet those knockings were.
“I am coming!”, Twilight shouts from her kitchen, before she makes her way to her front door and opens it. In front of her stands a shy yellow-coated Pegasus with a long pink mane, which she uses to cover shyly one of her big turquoise eyes.
“Hey Fluttershy!”, says Twilight and shortly hugs Fluttershy afterward. Fluttershy returns the hug, but strangely she blushes and backs away almost immediately.

“I can't remember that Fluttershy was this shy. Does it have something to do with me?”, Twilight’s thinks, before she again focuses on her friend, who now finally returns her greeting.
“Hello, Twilight. I have a uhm... a problem. Can I please come in? I mean if you have time and don't mind....” At the end Fluttershy’s voice drops to a barely audible whisper and she begins to shivers a bit. Twilight can't tell if she is shivering, because it is cold or for an other reason.
“Sure you can come in.” Twilight goes a step aside, so that Fluttershy can easily walks in.
Fluttershy almost haste past Twilight. Twilight shrugs not knowing what to think about Fluttershy’s behavior and gently closes her door.
“So what is the matter, Fluttershy?”, asks Twilight and turns to the yellow pegasus.
“I... well... I can't sleep. I mean, yes I can sleep, but … I got nightmares.”, the shy pegasus says and looks down at the ground avoiding any eye-contact with the lavender unicorn.
“Hm nightmares... I guess I have a cure for that. Just go upstairs.”
“Uhm....”, Fluttershy blushes furiously. “If... you say so.” Hastily Fluttershy goes upstairs into the bedroom of Twilight.

Twilight just shakes her head at Fluttershy’s unusual behavior and searches for a book against nightmares. When she was a little filly the lavender unicorn often got nightmares, so that she looked a cure for them up. Back then she found a simple spell, which could be used to stop remembering dreams. The only disadvantage of the spell is, that it needs to get constantly feed with energy. The amount is not very big, but creating an enchantment, even if it is for such a simple spell and such a small amount of energy, would likely take about one or two days.
After she looks the spell up, Twilight goes upstairs to meet with her pink-maned friend. When she opens the door, she doesn't expect Fluttershy being at her desk looking through her letters.
“Fluttershy....?”, asks Twilight slightly confused. Fluttershy jumps about three feet in the air and gives a surprised “eeek”.
“Well... I was uhm...I am sorry!” Fluttershy quickly throws the letter, she holds in her hooves 5 seconds ago, on the desk and tries to run past Twilight. Twilight, still confused, is yet quick enough to block Fluttershy’s path.

“Fluttershy, what are you doing? Why are you doing this?”, asks Twilight with a dangerously calm tone.
“I... I... just...I...” Fluttershy breaks down in front of Twilight and begins to cry furiously.
“I didn't want to look into the letter, but... but I...”
Twilight’s mimic softens a bit as she sees her friend having a breakdown in front of her and she pulls the pegasus in a comforting hug.
“Fluttershy, it wasn't really okay, that you look at my personal stuff, but it is okay.” Twilight chuckles a bit. “That wasn't a secret anyway. It is just that I adore Butterscotch’s work a lot, that I want to meet with him and...” Twilight blushes a bit.
“I am sorry... I am so sorry....”, Fluttershy is still crying, but the stream of tears isn't as intense as it was just a minute ago.
“Apologies accepted.”, says Twilight and gives Fluttershy a happy smile.

“I.... thanks. It just.... that... I know....”
Twilight’s ears twitches a bit out of curiosity.
“You know?”
“Butterscotch.”
That takes Twilight by surprise and she opens her eyes widely.
“You know him? Like you know him personal?”
“Well... yes...but...”
“Oh dear Celestia! How is he doing? How did you get to know him? Are you related? What do you think about his latest work...” Twilight almost assaults her yellow-coated friend with many questions about her favorite author, while Fluttershy is getting smaller and smaller.
After a few minutes Twilight finally winds down, but Fluttershy is now nothing more than a small pile of fur in Twilight’s hug.
“Oh... I am sorry Fluttershy, it is just, that I am really fascinated by his work. I almost feel like I was this librarian mare in his book. And it isn't only because I am a librarian mare, but also because of how Butterscotch describes her.”
Fluttershy calms down a bit, when Twilight is giving her an excusing smile.
“Well, it is okay Twilight. You were just a teenie tiny bit to loud and to fast.”

An awkward silence forms between the two friends, before Twilight tries to continue a conversation again after a few minutes.
“So... what did you want to say, before I cut your words?”
“Well... I just wanted to say, that... well that... Butterscotch...”
Twilight practically hangs on the lips of her friends consuming every drop of information she can find.
“I am... Butterscotch.”
“You are... but he is a stallion!”, Twilight almost shouts at her friend in a tone of denial.
“Well... it is just, that I don't like being in the center, especially after the model experience, so that I published every work under my artist name Butterscotch. I choose that name on purpose so nobody would expect me...”
“Wow... I certainly didn't expect that. But I trust you Fluttershy. You are my friend and one of the most trusting ponies I have ever met.” Twilight tries to smile, but she can't hide her disappointment, that Butterscotch was a mare.
“Thank.... thank you, Twilight. I guess it is not easy to believe, but I feel happy, that you trust me... there is just one more thing...”
Twilight ears twitches, when Fluttershy brings up another thing. What is left unsaid?
“I am sorry Twilight, that I did go through your letters, well there are addressed at me, but it is still not okay... but when I looked through them, I think... I think.... you...”, Fluttershy just abortin mid sentence and blushed furiously, her coat color rivaling Big Mac now.

“Fluttershy?”, asks Twilight a little bit confused about Fluttershy’s shy reaction. Sometimes Fluttershy was really shy, but if you get to know her better, she wouldn't be so shy.
“You... well I... I can't. I am sorry Twilight, but I just can't say it.”
Twilight is more confused than ever.
“Well...uhm... you could try to write if you can't say it. That helped me, too. When I can't say it, I just write it.” Twilight smiles supportive at Fluttershy and goes to her desk to grab a notepad and a quill for Fluttershy.
"I will go out and give you some time. When you are ready just come down. Oh and if you are not comfortable with it... you don't need to tell me about it."
"But i must!" Fluttershy shouts and then backs right off.
"I am sorry... i didn't mean to shout at you... it is just...", she bashful looks down and does circles with her hoof at the ground.
"It is okay, Fluttershy.", says Twilight calmly and goes out of her room, but not without turning back at the door sill and smiles at Fluttershy.
"No matter, what depresses you, we will solve it together as friends."
Fluttershy begins to smile back with a little bit more serenity than at the start. Then the Twilight shuts the door and walks down to look through her books.

Twilight grabs a random book about stargazing, but she can't concentrate on the book. That Fluttershy is so "weird", Twilight can't find a better word to describe the behavior of her friend, very suspicious. What is wrong with her?
And then there is this thing with Butterscotch, the author, who wrote pieces of her heart into a single novel being Fluttershy, one of her dearest friend, although she haven't much contact with her. Twilight sighs. There is no use worrying about the future as it will present itself soon enough anyway. Just when she takes a serious look at her book, the door to her sleeproom opens and a timid pegasus with a piece of paper walks out of it.

"Twilight..." The pegasus slowly goes downstairs, trembling more with every step she takes toward the lavender unicorn.
"Fluttershy... is everything okay?"
"Maybe. I don't know... Well i hope."
Fluttershys voice was cracking. Her face was a mask of fear and she almost let the slip of paper fall, when she finally stoods in front of Twilight.
"Fluttershy... you don't need to tell me. Realy if it gives you so much trouble... I hate to see you in much pain." Twilights voice was soft and caring about her Friend.
"I...must..." Fluttershy gently puts the paper in Twilights hooves and goes a fearful a step back. This small piece of paper will change her future. She knows it, but there is nothing, she can do to prevent the following things. Twilight looks at the slip of paper with a curios look. What mystery does this paper contain? Slowly she unfold the paper and her eyes grows wide with confusion. The paper falls. Slowly it falls to the ground. Fluttershy can't look at the slip of paper. I love you.

In big black letters there is "I love you" scribbled on the paper.
"Fluttershy...I...", Twilights voice dies in her throat. She doesn't know what to say to her friend – more than a friend? Does she love her back? Doesn't she love her back? Twilight thoughts rushes through her brain trying to find a solution for this problem.
"I... don't know.",says Twilight finally in defeat.
"You... don't..." Fluttershy's hope is shattered by this words. The small glimmer of hope she has gotten through the letters Twilight has written to Butterscotch is shattered by this simple word. Don't. Fluttershy gives a high pitched cry and dashes out of the library.
"Fluttershy! FLUTTERSHY!", Twilight shoutes after her, but Fluttershy ignores her. After her small water drops falls to the ground. Her tears.
"Fluttershy..." Twilight streches out her hoof after Fluttershy in hope that this simple gesture would stop her running. It was to late. Fluttershy ran away.

Why...? Why? Why? Why? Why? Twilight breakes down. Why is this happening? What is happening? Twilights world spins, faster than her brain can catch the motion. She rises. She knows, that Fluttershy needs her now more than anything. She needs to help her. As a friend? As a lover? "I doesn't matter." With this thought Twilight dashes through the door after Fluttershy.

Where could Fluttershy go? Twilight realizes that she hasn't the slightest idea, where her friend would wander off. "Think Twilight, think!" Twilight thinks of every single possibility Fluttershy could go, until she finds out, that it doesn't matter, where Fluttershy is, as she can simply pursuit her with a modified spell of Raritys Gem-search spell.
"Why didn't i thought of this right from the start?", Twilight asks herself, while she casts the "Fluttershy-search" spell.
Twilight runs. She runs as fast as she can ignoring the growing pain in her hooves and her legs, while she almost flies through the edge of Ponyville.
"The Everfree-forest!", Twilight immediately thinks, when she passes Fluttershy's house and sprints right into the Everfreeforest.
"She is near.", she thinks as soon as she enters the forest. Twilight lets out a sigh of relief. She really doesn't want to go into the depth of the accursed forest.

Soon Twilight stands in front of a small cave. She can hear faintly sobs from the depth of this cave. In this cave is Fluttershy crying. Twilight then realizes, that she has no idea, what to say to the sad and desolated mare.

Does the lavender mare love her winged friend? Or is it just Friendship? Then what does she feel for Butterscotch? What for the stallion in the story?
"The Story..." The insight hits Twilight like a slap in the face. How could she be so blind?
"The stallion in the story... was Fluttershy!" She realizes, just how much she wanted to all of this to be real. That someday a calm and kind stallion comes by and stole her heart.

The only difference is that Fluttershy isn't a stallion. But does that realy matter?

Twilight already knows the answer and goes smiling into the cave.

~One can love books, but books can never love one back

Comments

[Balmas]

Hmmm. It's rare that I come across a story where I actually ponder the downvote. It's not that this is a bad concept; in fact, if 'Shy and Twilight were to get together, it would probably involve something like this. (At least, books would figure heavily.)

However, the execution leaves much to be desired. Let's poke at some things, shall we?

First off, you mix past and present tense. Never do that. I couldn't get immersed in the story because every other sentence it went from past to present and back again. Pick a tense, and stick with it.

The second thing is how suddenly it comes on. Fluttershy writes, "I love you." Twilight says, "Okay, sure. Why not?" It feels out of character for Twilight to just accept it without any questions.

Characterization is another thing. Twilight is a smart mare; if she reads a book about a pony who lives in the woods with animals, and a smart librarian mare, she'd probably connect the dots. Then again, she might come to the right conclusion and dismiss it for being absurd.

Fluttershy really wouldn't go through other ponies' things. She's just too shy.

Twilight grabs a random book about Stargazing, but she can't concentrate on the book. That Fluttershy is so "weird", Twilight couldn't find a better word to describe the behavior of her friend, very suspicious. What was "wrong" with her?

Please explain to me your grammar choices. Why is stargazing capitalized? Why do weird and wrong have quotations around them? Why is half the paragraph in the past and the other in the present? Why are there two words tacked onto the end of the third sentence in defiance of grammatical law?

Also, this feels more like a beginning than a complete story. It's got a beginning, a middle, a crisis, but lacks a denouement. It's got no conclusion.

TL:DR: A good concept spoiled by poor grammar and characterizatio, but which could be made better.

Your concept prevents me from downvoting, but you're far from an upvote. Good luck!

[SwiperTheFox]

1520283
What he said!

Look particularly at:
“Fluttershy”, Twilight thinks immediately, when she hears how shy and quiet those knockings were.
“I am coming!”, Twilight shouts from her kitchen, before she makes her way to her front door and opens it. In front of her stands a shy yellow-coated Pegasus with a long pink mane, which she uses to cover shyly one of her big turquoise eyes.

There are many issues, and I'll just post what I would have wrote as a comparison:
Twilight notices how quiet and shy those knocks had sounded to her. Oh, it's Fluttershy! "I'm coming," Twilight shouts from her kitchen, making her way to her front door and opening it up. She looks out at the shy, yellow coated pegasus standing in front of her, Fluttershy using her long pink mane to cover up one of her big turquoise eyes as usual.

And then, of course, the next paragraph should be spaced out from that one.

[BrainLapse]

I really enjoyed the concept. And the start was good, even if the story written by Butterscotch was a bit obvious.

The main problem I have is that you rush the story. It has a great potential, but it feels like you want to skip to the good parts so bad, that you forget that there needs to be steps along the way, with details that really create the scenes for the reader. The ending feels incredibly rushed too, almost as if someone was making you finish it alas fast as possible. Remember, a story you're telling takes the reader on an adventure. Do not forget to show them everything.

Another problem is your spelling and grammar. The tenses of your verbs change throughout, and towards the end your spelling starts to get sloppy, with letters disappearing from words. Not only that, but sometimes the word choice is off.

My final comment is really how the characterization is off. Initially, it all seems good. As the story goes on however, Fluttershy and Twilight start to fall out of character. Especially when Fluttershy is snooping through Twilight's letters.

[aceraynor117]

okay, first of, good job on the first part.
second. like what the others said, just stick to one tense. and aren't you rushing the story a bit? you got to slow the pass of the story. however, i won't be able to give that much criticism, because i'm not that good with grammar myself, believe me. but a i'll give you a few tips: iv'e read a lot of stories lately and noticed something. if you want to give a line to a character, talking in their thoughts, you can just use apostrophes('), instead of quotations. and instead of quoting the word, you can just type it likethis. well, that's all i can give. the best i can do now is support you. hope you practice and understood my tips. keep up the good work.

[DustShine]

Sorry for the major grammar (especially the time mistakes), but i posted the wrong text. Here is an improved text, so that it should be slightly easier to read the story

1520283
Thanks for your honest opinion. I will work on that.

1520287
(English) grammar was never my strong point, when it comes to writing stories. I will definitively work on improving the grammar.

As for the characters are out of character, i guess, that is because of the small time, they had to truly build a love relationship. It would both take them a lot of time, because Fluttershy is very shy and Twilight is pretty oblivious to feelings ...so yeah maybe i should've chosen an other pair.

Since the letters lay very open at the desk, Fluttershy only needs to read the beginning (unintentionally) to get the idea, who will be the receiver of the letter. I believe that even Fluttershy would take a closer look, if she sees, that they are practically addressed at her

Well i actually have no idea why stargazing is written in capitals, i switch time, or very suspicious is there in conflict to the grammatical law. I guess that are slips of pen. Weird and wrong have those quotations to show, that Twilight uses words, which in her opinion didn't really fit the situation. I remove them from wrong, because i think that somehow fits pretty good.

I doesn't want to write a conclusion, even if i had one in mind, because the story just felt done, when i wrote about Twilight going into the cave. Most likely i will redo this story some time and fix those issues, but for now its done as it is.

Thanks for your long and detailed comment. It really helps me to give my story another look and correct some mistakes i made

1520310
That's a neat tip. Thanks

1520476
I was kinda on a rush, when I wrote this story, because i tend to lose interest into things if they stretch out for too long. That would mean that (like every story before), this story would have never finished. Since my goal was it to create a complete story, i rushed it.

Again because i needed to rush things, the characters naturally will go out of characters because i believe that both, Fluttershy and Twilight, are characters, who think a lot, which leads to a naturally larger story, if they want to stand in character.

1521834
Because i rushed i already explained before. For the next stories i will keep the pace down.
I will try to use apostrophes, when i write direct speech and italic when i write thoughts.
Thanks for the support

In my next story i will try to implement every tip, i got from you guys

[Biker_Dash]

I would recommend finding fellow writers who can help you by reviewing the stories you write, so that they may offer suggestions on how to make them better.

[TxEpony]

Other than the grammar this was an amazing story... the ending was my favorite

[A Fox in Equestria]

I'm just gonna take a shot in the dark and say english isn't your native language. Correct?

Anyways. I like the concept, and honest to god I tried to read it, but it just didn't go well.

[Doctor Proctal]

I'm going to be honest, I like this story and this concept a lot.
However, it started out so strong then just... crumbled. That's the best way I can describe it. The grammar and spelling just got worse and worse over the course of it.

You've got a great idea on your hands, but if you have problems with grammar or spelling, might I suggest an editor or two? I'd be more than happy to do it myself if you desire.

[DustShine]

1533646 1563716 1677997
Yeah grammar is my weak point even in my native language. Now if i write in english it just got a tiny bit worse. Or more than a tiny bit. But i am glad like the concept. I'll try to improve and find someone, who can give my story a second look

1703435
Thanks for your honesty i appreciate that.
I would be very glad if you can give my story (or stories if you still want to look over my writing in the future) a second look, since it seems to be like almost unreadable in the current state.

[SilverLuck36]

thats it? THATS HOW YOU FUCKING END THE STORY OMG TALK ABOUT A SHIT ENDING

[DustShine]

1710215
Well i would call it an open ending, rather than not a good ending, but indeed i am not that pleased with the ending. Still it can be a very satisfying ending, since it allows a lot of interpretation what will happen. And it just felt done.

[Lloxie]

Hmm. Looks like a good concept, but it seriously needs fixing. Couldn't finish it, some of the problems are just too grating for me. But I'll leave it in my "read later" list in case you do get it fixed up.

One suggestion I would like to offer is that you not use present tense. While it's generally just a style preference, past tense tends to be easier to read and write. Present tense can be a bit... awkward.

[Doctor Proctal]

1710215
If you've got a problem with it, man, all you gotta do is request permission to write an extended ending. Then you're free to play as you wish in his world.

1707886
Not a problem, I will take another look at it tomorrow and will mark out any mistakes I see. I'll send it to you via a private message, as to keep the comments uncluttered.

[SilverLuck36]

1722973 no srry i just lost it there its good just wondering though are you going to make a sequel

[DustShine]

1718058
Hehe maybe. I just want to give it a bit more speed by using present tense, but when i reflect over it, it might not be the best solution for someone, who's English is highly vulnerable to mistakes

1722973
I am very grateful for this and it's a good idea sending it via message

1728194
well i think i am going to rewrite part of it or using some kind of similar storyline in a further story, since i find the shipping very intriguing. If you want i could write a conclusion to this story, although i am very sure that it won't add anything to the story besides... well words.

[StormHoof32]

Good read and all, but it just didn't capture my imagination like fics usually do. sorry. i know I sound like a dick, but i'm sorry, its true.

[SilverLuck36]

1740661 ur not being a dick your just giving your opinion

[DustShine]

1740661
It's a honest and not evil intended opinion, so i can't take it offensive in any way.
Don't worry about giving some critique; beneath giving you a piece of my mind i want to improve and that is only possible with honest critique

[ShadowWing09]

I definitely love the concept, nice idea

The unfortunate downside is that you seemed to be trying to reach the ending too quickly, so it felt like you were describing a situation, instead of telling a story. You might try taking your time, and enjoy the journey, and most definitely take the time to explore the characters personalities. Let the feeling of a situation come naturally, just have it play out instead of trying to force it

You've definitely got something worth pursuing here, so if you decide to reformat this, I'd be all for it. Balmas put it really well, I think

[AuRons Clutch]

I liked it.
I could have loved it but it was missing a few things.
Describing the story it's well... it different but a tad annoying.
Also about the ending with most stories this sort of ending it great as it allows the reader to think up their own ending to the story, but to me this wasn't the case. it just wasn't the case for this story it just seemed to end for the sake of you not being bothered to finish it. Ugh i hate that.
Anyways nice concept you just didn't take it far enough

[Twilight_Scratch]

This is a good story, but has a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. I'd get it proof-read.
Storywise, It's great but cuts off far too quick at the end.

-Twilight_Scratch

[Lily Gingertail]

Some formatting i feel needed to point out
'The thought of someone is often written like this' while speech "is written like this" that is how you can tell the difference.
Also this story may be a one-shot but ending on that note was not the best of endings, this can and should be a little bit longer.
from my point of view i'll give this a 7/10 not the best and some work is needed but it is very well written.

~Tobben

[DustShine]

4801342 Well i guess it's something that could be easily fixed. I'll look over it again and fix it.
At the end it just felt done for me. It was the best i could come up with altough it sucks. I suppose it spires up the imagination. I think, the whole story is not that good and should be rewritten at some point.
Thanks for the very generous rating though, I myself would rate it quite lower.

[Wahtiff]

I kinda wished you had ended it with them reconciling and getting together, but overall this fic was pretty good. I'll give you an 8.9/10