The Village in the Pink Mist

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Comments ( 7 )

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Magician-Horse

Magician-Horse #1 · Nov 18th, 2023 · 3 · 3 ·

It's always nice when slaves know their place. Loved the slow breaking of the cast, very fun!

Jamin P Rose

Jamin P Rose #2 · Nov 18th, 2023 · 1 · ·

11751905

Glad you liked it!

Mix-up

Mix-up #3 · Nov 18th, 2023 · 2 · ·

Fun read, loved the rune stripe painting thing. I felt it was a little hard to distinguish each of them well over haft way through the story.

marinus18

marinus18 #4 · Nov 18th, 2023 · · ·

Pretty good though it didn't really flow all that well.

ponepony

ponepony #5 · Nov 20th, 2023 · · ·

By the time he’s done shouting, Whisper is completely unresponsive, and Osculum has to use his lightning magic to restart Whisper’s heart. The pulse of energy flows right through Whisper, making his sphincter tighten too quickly around the stallion, locking him in place as a static discharge jumps between their balls.

Heart walks up to Whisper and uses a hoof to gently lift his head. The deer’s eyes are unfocused but still moving, clearly still reeling from his near-death experience. Heart draws a small vial from his sleepwear and pours the contents down Whisper’s throat as the shocked stallion limps back into the crowd.

Heart’s eyes take on a piercing sheen that makes Whisper quake and shiver for a moment before freezing in place, not even daring to blink. After a few moments, Heart’s eyes lose that glint and Whisper begins hyperventilating, tears rolling down his cheeks as he does.
“Good little buck.” Heart brings his hoof from under Whisper’s chin to his tuft of a mane, petting it gently. “I think you’ll make a good addition to the field slaves. Unless you’d rather have my personal attention…?”
Whisper shakes his head rapidly, the telltale sound of liquid hitting dirt tells Heart that the deer pissed himself in fear. Heart just laughs and walks back to his throne and takes a seat to wait for Moonsing to come before him.

This is great. I love the idea of making him break down in complete fear. Not much stories do this for some reason.

Whisper is nowhere to be seen, however, leaving Elegant to wonder where he is and what's happening to him. With the state of the other two, she can only assume that he’s off somewhere else, receiving the same style of treatment.

He's still alive right?

Jamin P Rose

Jamin P Rose #6 · Nov 21st, 2023 · · ·

11754340

He'e still alive, just elsewhere at the time.

As it references in the previous quote, he's been moved to be with the field slaves.

sxcbeast

sxcbeast #7 · Dec 4th, 2023 · 1 · 1 ·

Your best work yet!

I have a short memory, so when introducing so many named characters, it helps to add what they look like next to their name more than a few times throughout the story. Some physical reminders would be good. Like the deer has a naturally short tail. Or horns.

There at the beginning it's hard to pin who's who because names and looks are shuffled together. So one name didnt go to the right species, until consistent mentioned later on.

Same happened in the school scene. Looks, but no names attached. Then names, with no looks attached.

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