Artemis Prime
Joined 14th Oct, 2018 ·
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You're very strong and emotional first chapter can't wait to see where The Story Goes
11406076
I said his stepmother was the one who was beating, it's his birthmother that's waiting for him. That's described in the first chapter what happened.
11406077
Thank you. I appreciate the criticism.
Strong start. I can't wait to see more of this
Probably should have published this with two chapters right away. He's obviously going to Equestria soon, so nothing that happens in chapter one is going to be relevant. And yet despite that, the way this chapter ends tells us that there's going to be even more of goings-on on Earth which will also be irrelevant soon.
You've given us very little to entice us to come back.
Don't confuse suffering with virtue. Just because somebody suffers, doesn't mean they're necessarily a good person. Maybe he is. But you haven't established that for your readers.
I'd like to see how this story goes forward.
Nice to see that the forces responsible for this story's plot starting are waiting until after court to send him, as doing so beforehand could mess things up loads otherwise.
11406128
You can probably guess who the alicorn is that's standing with his birthmother: I'll give you a hint, it's not Celestia or Luna, but someone very related to them.
11406120
Not to mention the fact the whole chapter is kind of a moot point. Aaron is going to disappear from Earth before his parents are actually convicted of any wrong doing, which means the trial (if it even will get that far, doubtful) will stall and eventually be dismissed since the victim and key witness will be gone. So there will be no justice there, and the purpose of the chapter will mean literally nothing to the story as a whole or the development of Aaron as a character.
It's a whole chapter that unraveled itself, undid everything and took the entire premise back at the end. I don't understand what the reasoning is here.
I guess the author wanted to rush to get to Equestria, which is also kind of odd since we ended up not going there until chapter 2(?) anyway. I don't get it.
11406322
It will go to trial in chapter 2. I'm currently working on it. If you would kindly not be so quick to judge before I'm even finished with the chapter and actually wait for it, then please do so. Otherwise, snide comments and flames will not be tolerated.
11406347
ill give this a shot ill wait for the next few chapters though so i can enjoy this story a bit longer
11406347
Hmm seems like an interesting story and the caribou one too. Hopefully this will give you the flame back to write again my friend
11406322
I don't get that impression at all. If the goal was to rush him into Equestria, there were plenty of ways that could have happened. Usually this sort of story involves a fast transition. Presumably the delay is deliberate, and I assume it's to give him closure. Looking at the themes in play, I'm expecting the trial to be about showering the protagonist in validation. Official endorsement that "I'm good and you're bad," basically.
I'm far more curious to see how the story is going to justify the sorcerer angle. The story description states that Captain America is the protagonist's favorite character, and he's named after a famous football player. These imply that he would end up with physical superpowers, and yet the story title suggests he's going to be a sorcerer.
My guess is that he's going to be more or less adopted with a very protective motherly angle involved, and unlike a typical displaced story I expect that his affinity for magic will be unrelated to the transition to Equestria itself. Instead it will turn out that he was awesome to begin with but nobody knew because he was being held back by bad circumstances and bad people who just couldn't see who he really was, but with proper mothering and enough kissing of his emotional hurts he'll be able to blossom into the wonderful amazing person that was buried deep inside him all along.
I helped out with this and the way it is so far is my fault, I should've worded this out better. But trust me this guy (the true author) is amazing and this story will be great. I promise
More good
11406559
To clarify, I meant that it felt like the author was rushing the protagonist to Equestria in that he was doing the bare minimum to justify the premise of abuse as shown. I don't really think that anymore, the author corrected me as I misunderstood and I believed that the part 1 was the full first chapter. My own misconception aside, I agree with all your points. I am curious to see how the story continues.
11406559
The affinity for magic, that was a very good guess. I'll give you a hint as to the vibes that me and TheRedHood talked about during the creation of this: Take his gift in magic, but with vibes from a certain MCU magician.
Yeah, I've had my own experiences with trolls and flamers here on this site. Almost made me want to give up writing too. You are fortunate to have not crossed the path of Hamster_Master... that guy was a real piece of work, and that is saying something.
Long story short, I am very interested in this fic, and look forward to seeing what comes from it.
I'll take a guess and say the 'flamers & trolls' thing may be for the most part because the protagonist fits the 'depressed/abused/edgy MC that gets abilities and is sent to Equestria' archetype. (I call it archetype because there are many stories with this kind of MC)
Haven't read yet, but I'll give it a chance when there are more chapters.
11406973
I remember a couple of his 'feats'.
What happened to him?
Just read the First Chapter and i liked it please keep up the good work :)
"I've had too many flamers and am almost losing my drive to write for this site. this is my last shot." Over the Last Month that i've been here and read many Stories i noticed that it's sadly not uncommon to encounter these kinds of Users who just love to Tear Authors and Stories apart to ruin everything. Criticism can be helpful but done Wrong or just out of Spite it's not good at all and can potentially cause harm or even Authors to quit the Site leaving good Stories to be forgotten and cancelled.
Please Stay Strong and i wish you a Good Day :)
11407017
Site staff got fed up with him and his antics and he got the boot permanently.
11406837
Oh really? Well this is going to be quite a more interesting read than I thought.
11407016
You are correct, and thank you for being willing to give this story a shot. I'm currently working on Chapter 2 as we speak. I will upload it once I finish it on Google Docs and my editor, TheRedHood, has a chance to edit it once he has a free moment to do so.
11407123
Fucking finally! Sucked the fun out of the comments section of a few fics I followed over the years
Interesting start. Will be looking forward to what you do next.
i wish i knew about this story sooner great job so far
11417231
Thanks, glad you like it. I'm still working on Chapter 2. I'm working out the kinks and figuring out how to word the current part I'm at in it so that way it sounds right. I'll be sure to get it done soon.
11417661
take as long as you need
Very nice.
good start , when is next chapter Out of curious ?
11513743
I'm still working on Chapter 2 as of right now. Had a bit of writer's block, but it is back on at the moment.
11515421
oh ok , take you time
Please update when you can. This story is very good and I’m very interested in reading more as it’s funny how I just had a dream about a human in equestria having magic like doctor strange last night. Must mean God wanted me to find this story. God bless and hopefully you have a soa to write again and no more hate comments. I understand what it’s like to feel you’re writing isn’t very good as I’m 30 and struggle with my own work and have thought about quitting myself.
11736766
I am honestly trying my best to. I had help from a coauthor, TheRedHood, but due to life stuff, he had to drop off of the project. I've been honestly trying my best, it's just a little harder than I thought. Honestly, I'm about to ask for another coauthor at this point.
11736943
Understandable. I wish you the best of luck and pray you don’t abandon this story until you complete it
Huh, completely forgot I was tracking this. Good to see proper justice meted out to those who wholly deserve it. A shame it doesnt happen often enough in real life.
11856317
Agreed. I was myself a victim of such abuse, but it was due to statewide corruption in the group home system. So I totally understand and agree with you.
Hmmm... those last names sound familiar (Captain America reference, I presume?)
Nice to see Aaron has been freed, and now he's going to be learning magic from Dr. Strange and working to protect Equestria and The Crystal Empire while healing from his Trauma.
I hope everything coming up goes well for him.
11856559
Nope, Just names that I thought of, and thank you for pointing the Rogers name out. You can take it as a reference if you want. Just like the reporter and his cameraman I based off of Carl Jenkins and Johnny Rico respectively from Starship Troopers. Even imagined them being portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris and Casper Van Dien respectively 😂.
Very nice chapter.