Imprisoned (without charges) by the Paw Patrol
A unicorn with fur fair-white and mane sky-blue: that's who Princess Cadance knew that she was destined for. Only, now she's starting to wonder if she chose the wrong one...
Luckily, there's a spell for that! Destiny will take her course, but there are ways to see what might have been. As one horn touches to another, a life unlived begins to play...
Written for the May Pairings Contest. Check out the other entries here!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I liked the story, [I think] but not in love with the choice of narrative style. It felt almost like second person from Cadence's perspective but at times it skewed away from that and because of the nature of the subject matter it didn't always feel that way. I won't say it was a bad choice I can see the merit of it but it didn't do enough for me personally to benefit the story and at times it made the story feel clunky and harder to follow. Still I would say I apricate the risk taken it does make the story more unique.
That aside I absolutely love the concept [I have story I'm working on that's entire premise hangs around two ponies looking similar although much different context] and I think the story that is told is fun and interesting.
Keep up the good work and best of luck in the contest.
This was really interesting, and it was a pretty cool way to present this alternate reality and have the characters comment on it. However, I will say the narration did get quite confusing at times. I can understand the desire for a seamless flow between thoughts, especially in the dreamlike state most of the story is in, but a bit more structure would have helped.
You did well having Cadance and Vinyl play off of each other. It was kind of odd that you included the moment of Vinyl getting her cutie mark as a filly from Shining's performance from the comics, when that would mean there's a notable age difference, but their scenes together seem to be much later, so whatever. The way you ended the story, with them choosing not to pursue romance, was pretty effective. It makes sense that Cadance was still satisfied with her life as is, and at least it sounds like they'll continue to stay in touch. Though on that note, it's interesting that you mentioned that Lyra and Bon Bon are not a couple in the normal timeline of this setting; is that meant to imply that this isn't the timeline of the show? I'm curious why.
love Vinyl Scratch's voice here; already very invested in the premise. to dream of the Princess of Love like this, and to be driven to send a letter to her about this impossible dream. standing at the membrane between this life and another possible one. augh, i should save these comments for later
love this little bit of foreshadowing in how this description also applies perfectly to Vinyl. of course Cadance here doesn't notice what the reader does as she goes into describing Shining Armor more explicitly
the "flash!" really works so well with such a textured paragraph
ah, the confidence here! the self-assurance that Cadance has that she knows what she is doing and that what she is doing is good tastes different knowing where she is by the end of the story
i, too, have ships like this. good amount of overlap here, too! Princess Cadance has good taste
totally thought this was original to the fic, and was even more impressed that you captured how i imagine teenage Shining Armor to be so perfectly
it's such an interesting position these voices take in the narrative. they are themselves observing a story, which reaches out and affects their own internal narration while watching it, and the reader is one layer up and observing both
so true, that is even cuter
and dang! placing the younger Vinyl getting her cutie mark at this performance is a neat idea. really links up their destinies
hehe, great response to the previous "Shhh". and her comment applies both to the past Cadance of memory and what will happen to her in the course of the story, augh so good
as horrifying as any universe where a parent not loving a child for being gay is even in the space of possibilities is, wow this is a fantastic line. the teenage awkwardness is just so on-point; i am feeling Vinyl's cringe so hard
ehehe, i imagine that she does!
took me a second to realize that Vinyl didn't even know Cadance wasn't straight until this point, haha
love the way this poetically describes the vibe of teenage awkwardness (also the limbs on that pony model really are super-gangly)
hehe love this exchange between incorporeal voices
so true
she does have a good point. her brand would be ruined! (also can't help but think this was a deliberate way to sneak in the other meaning of the word "cheating" to be picked up later)
ah, these inversions are so good! this imbalance between a public figure and a background pony is interesting. Vinyl only thinks that she knows about Cadance, but the real one has a lot more in common with her than either she or i would've thought
and dang, you know how to end these chapters
Oracle, you say?
and oof, just love this bit. the natural consequence of being able to sense something as abstract as love
just love this line. really brings me into Cadance's sensorium
now this is how you write the "i love you" moment, augh. so full of dynamic and character
the two layers of that cocoon metaphor here, love it
after such an experience, i can imagine how impossible that would seem. Cadance's narrative voice is starting to submerge into the spell's image of Cadance's
11353119
I completely forgot this was in here! Lil Timescales reference for u
the interleaving of this recollection of an ordinary day and the emotional conversation between its observers is fascinating. like talking during a lull in the program, or a commercial break. but what a backdrop! without it the mood and direction of the conversation would be so different
ah, Cadance's worldview is starting to crumble at the edges here
when to your horror you find your own life going on without the person in it. the pain at least means that they are still present with their absence, and it's easy to see that there are things more important than mere happiness
ah, the gulf between Vinyl and Cadance, in more ways than one! i feel Cadance's position hard here, not having gone through much loss myself
they are such a fun couple!
hehehe this is such great Princess writing
is it plagiarism if you're taking from an alternate timeline version of yourself?
ehehe that is a very fun game
ahahaha love this. such a DJ wife moment
i back Cadance completely on this. she is 10000% justified in everything she does (also the whole Princess's will thing Vinyl does in this chapter is so fun! something i can't imagine Shining Armor doing with the same kind of energy, though that may be my bias)
hehehe (i guess in this timeline, Cadance is the wedding crier in her relationship, which makes sense)
yeah a universe where LyraBon doesn't happen... messed up, indeed!
because that is how "no offence, but" is traditionally followed by ofc
hehehe yeah, hard to imagine Vinyl being any other way than this!
i just love this ship. something about Cadance as the Princess here feels extra-right
and it's interesting that at the beginning of the story, Cadance claimed to have this very perspective, and it's only after the foundations are shaken that she shakes off that anodyne cast
hehehe love this Vinyl
always a classic to describe the long passage of time
hehehe gotther
and augh, the contrast with how big Octavia's shadow looms over our Vinyl's mind
and oof, on Cadance's side as well! those names are just a bit of background trivia in their stories here
and augh, how the order of those lines aren't recalled in the right order, then jumble into their place in the mutual recollection. not to mention just how exactly like i'd imagine Vinyl and Cadance's first date to start. it all feels like i am seeing slices of something existing far beyond what i see
a recreation in miniature of the Spring to Autumn transition at the beginning of the chapter. all this working on both levels at once, how beautiful
just the perfect moment to end it on.
and wow, the way the main characters are themselves an audience for a love story. it pulls them in deep until Cadance can feel the love that the alternate Cadance had for Vinyl. but in the end, as beautiful as everything they saw was, as connected as it feels to some sort of true destiny or fate, that love is between two other mares with very different lives. how else can it end but the moment passing, and Cadance going home to her husband who she loves?
(and the metafictional aspect of how Cadance's journey is a reflection of what a reader goes through in engaging with a gripping romance, lots to think about there! that muddled, dreamlike state the poetic second-person brings adds so much)
i really felt this ship and that bittersweetness, that burning smile and those tears. once again i am in awe of the depth of the feel of these relationships you paint with so few words and scenes. i believe in pretty pink mares and unicorns of fur fair white and mane sky blue.
Wow, just wow. The narration style reminded me a lot of the narrator of Disco Elysium (and that's the voice I read most of it in) and what a bittersweet tale of what-if!