• Member Since 14th Nov, 2016
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Botched Lobotomy


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An entry for Scribblefest 2017

Fluttershy is not a mare particularly keen on the Everfree forest. It's dark, creepy, and generally a place she'd rather not visit.
But when she hears the cries of an animal in pain, she may have to enter its dark depths.
Alone.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

Lol, it's like a Goosebumps book! :pinkiehappy:

My notes from the first round of judging. Nothing is decided quite yet, but this one is still in the running!

This is a strong story. Tense atmosphere, vivid descriptions, and the ending is like a sigh of relief. The trouble seems to be a scattering of technical issues, like misplaced commas, repeated descriptions, and in one place a glaringly absent page break. It's like the author has some sophisticated storytelling tools, but is still using them clumsily. On the upside, there's a song! And I'm a sucker for some brave Fluttershy. -SF

8080979 Thanks for the feedback!:pinkiehappy:
(Probably not allowed to go back and fix those issues, am I?)

8083091 I don't really know if it'd be against the rules, to be honest. Although most of the judges have already read this one, so any changes now might not make a difference! :twilightsheepish: But I'm not the only author you left a good impression on, I can tell you that much. The core of this story was well-received, the song was a hit, and more than one of us feel that it could frame a really interesting episode, were it adapted for the screen. Good work.

8083356 You're too kind:twilightblush:
Going back and re-reading it again, I discovered that most of my dashes (-) have gone missing. Hmmm... Well, if it's not against the rules... I think I'll go back and fix some of that broken punctuation.

There were some definite editing problems I noticed when I read this. A little distracting, but I'm guessing some botched copy/paste. The story does a good job of showing Fluttershy's compassion overcoming her fear, so kudos on that. The pacing is a little slow for me though. The ending didn't change my expectation, so I felt it could've gotten there a bit faster, or did more to play up the fear. Still a decent read though!

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