Paths Less Travelled

by Botched Lobotomy

Chapter 11

The beginning.

Where else is there to end? Two mares, too old, and one of them is crying. Bright tears burning. That’s you. And Vinyl, she has a smile on her face. You’re pretty sure that’s burning, too.

You’ll go home, after this. Back to your life, and love, and Shining Armour. More cautious, maybe. Less willing now to direct fate. You and Vinyl and the crying of it all.

You look into each other’s eyes: stranger, now familiar, and wonder what what else might have been. Cutie marks come easy, mostly; fate’s other paths are less concise, and most of them, less travelled. Deep down, you start to understand, and in that moment, for just a breath, you love Vinyl completely and entirely. You wonder: should you try a kiss? Just this once? Just to feel it, truly?

The moment passes. You wipe your eyes, you offer her a smile. You’ll see each other soon.

And you go home.

Comments

[Rhonie8k]

I liked the story, [I think] but not in love with the choice of narrative style. It felt almost like second person from Cadence's perspective but at times it skewed away from that and because of the nature of the subject matter it didn't always feel that way. I won't say it was a bad choice I can see the merit of it but it didn't do enough for me personally to benefit the story and at times it made the story feel clunky and harder to follow. Still I would say I apricate the risk taken it does make the story more unique.

That aside I absolutely love the concept [I have story I'm working on that's entire premise hangs around two ponies looking similar although much different context] and I think the story that is told is fun and interesting.

Keep up the good work and best of luck in the contest.

[SigmasonicX]

This was really interesting, and it was a pretty cool way to present this alternate reality and have the characters comment on it. However, I will say the narration did get quite confusing at times. I can understand the desire for a seamless flow between thoughts, especially in the dreamlike state most of the story is in, but a bit more structure would have helped.

You did well having Cadance and Vinyl play off of each other. It was kind of odd that you included the moment of Vinyl getting her cutie mark as a filly from Shining's performance from the comics, when that would mean there's a notable age difference, but their scenes together seem to be much later, so whatever. The way you ended the story, with them choosing not to pursue romance, was pretty effective. It makes sense that Cadance was still satisfied with her life as is, and at least it sounds like they'll continue to stay in touch. Though on that note, it's interesting that you mentioned that Lyra and Bon Bon are not a couple in the normal timeline of this setting; is that meant to imply that this isn't the timeline of the show? I'm curious why.

[Bicyclette]

Deep down, you start to understand, and in that moment, for just a breath, you love Vinyl completely and entirely. You wonder: should you try a kiss? Just this once? Just to feel it, truly?

The moment passes. You wipe your eyes, you offer her a smile. You’ll see each other soon.

And you go home.

just the perfect moment to end it on.

and wow, the way the main characters are themselves an audience for a love story. it pulls them in deep until Cadance can feel the love that the alternate Cadance had for Vinyl. but in the end, as beautiful as everything they saw was, as connected as it feels to some sort of true destiny or fate, that love is between two other mares with very different lives. how else can it end but the moment passing, and Cadance going home to her husband who she loves?

(and the metafictional aspect of how Cadance's journey is a reflection of what a reader goes through in engaging with a gripping romance, lots to think about there! that muddled, dreamlike state the poetic second-person brings adds so much)

i really felt this ship and that bittersweetness, that burning smile and those tears. once again i am in awe of the depth of the feel of these relationships you paint with so few words and scenes. i believe in pretty pink mares and unicorns of fur fair white and mane sky blue.

[Carnifaxy]

Wow, just wow. The narration style reminded me a lot of the narrator of Disco Elysium (and that's the voice I read most of it in) and what a bittersweet tale of what-if!