A coming of age tale concerning a pony fan of grotesque Griffin comics, set against the backdrop of the war of the century.
Entry for the Fourth Equestria at War Write Off (2021)
Contest Theme: "A normal being's point of view and life amidst global events."
NOTE: "Equestria at War" is a My Little Pony-based Mod for Hearts of Iron IV, a World War II game. One of its main conflicts is the invasion of Equestria by Changelings with tanks.
Possibly inspired by the rules' first line after the word count stipulations...
Cover Image: I made it... for better or worse.
Chapters (1)
I’m conflicted. On one hand, the story is not my particular cup of tea. On the other, I like the style. This is well written. It’s like that catchy song that has a darker meaning when you search up the lyrics.
The beginning is a great choice to set the pace as well as the ground rules. The absurdity and graphicness of it sure catches the reader’s attention. I also had a feeling that alliteration was going to become a key piece to the style.
At first, I thought the original name ‘Body Count’ was a satirical take on the pony naming convention, but after reading further, I realized its attributed from his family’s business. The arc is simple, Body Count has a macabre fascination, attributed by the nature of his work and augmented by the glorification in comics. However, when exposed to the reality of it, he has a change of heart.
I especially like the full-circle, with:
Short story, yet effective.
There are a few things I got hung up on:
Might need some clarification for this. I looked in the A/N at the end of the chapter, but only found character cameos.
Love the footnote here. Accurately describes an idea in just one sentence. Minor quibble, but shouldn’t there be a question mark after ‘friend’? The footnote might also benefit by taking the comma and using a em dash. But, that may just as well be me.
Weird mixture for me, but nonetheless, a work of art!
good meta-use of "pornography" to give this great bit of alliteration an additional patina of visceral discomfort
nice adaptation to this world of Harmony
"Gorey" sounds far less grim and concerning than the original name of "Body Count", which was presumably thought of by said parents!
delightfully sociopathic vibes from this! really feeling this character as a (quasi-)sheltered grimdark teen, of which there seems to have been a lot of in the history of pony fanfic itself, funnily enough
great pun
typical SparklingTwilight wordplay does add needful whimsy to what would otherwise be grimdark nonsense
really liked the poetry in this sequence of events. reminds me of Borges, though that might be because that's the last non-ponyfic author i've read
perfect encapsulation of the difference between sire and colt, in just two sentences
heh, "deer country". and yes, it stands to reason there has to be somepony whose magically destined role is to deal with this side of life, or death in this case. a needed exploration of a part we would never see in the Y-rated canon show, in a way perfectly fitting with the world if it were not for this strange son
the whimsy of "back lines" contrasting with "front lines" is fun
enjoying this use of the Mane 6 as cultural touchstones and references in the mind of this colt. the view from the background, as it were.
this reference escapes me
and in this manner, he learns his sire's ways. an inheritance in death that could not be taught in life. beautiful, this
a poetic moment, love how understated the meaningfulness is.
not familiar with who this would be a reference to, but honestly, such M6-featuring war propaganda is something i'd love to see, seems very fun
"fewer", here? but in any case, a great thesis statement, closing out the character arc. but to me something about how both "work" and the overall lesson is repeated between the end of the previous section and this unjustly robs it of a bit of its impact. the full impact is still very present, because the ingredients are great, but the split means that the peak hits a bit less hard. i wouldn't know how to solve this if it were up to me, maybe moving the first burials of the griffins in the desert here as a flashback reveal? but maybe that is hokey? maybe this story is a local maximum as is, hard to say. (not a criticism, i wouldn't even have a comment on this if the story's poetry and quality overall weren't so good that anything that doesn't feel perfect is distracting.)
perfect use of the Latin diminutive here. each reference utilized and then in turn referenced with style. thank you for this!
11118103
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment in-depth! It helps me understand how this style is received!
- Good point! Most people here will not have played the source material! I have added an explanation to the author's notes.
- In short: Olenia is the kingdom of the deer in the game, which is loosely based on My Little Pony.
- On a deeper level, that particular joke may have been 'too much', so I'll consider long-term whether it's suiting the style--I was attempting to balance serious issues with levity to give the feeling of readers situating themselves in a comic book!
You are correct! Fixed.
Your suggestion is valid! However, I tend to over-use 'em (haha) and I think the comma could also work in this situation. I appreciate the thought, though! Once again--thank you for the comments!
11118653
Thank you also for reading and taking the time to comment so deeply!
Yes!
Re: Gorey Edweird
- The protagonist has a "G" name because Equestrian griffins seem to prefer alliteratively starting their names with "G".
- Which led to...
- A name sounding like Gore...
- Which led to...
- Edward Gorey. Even if the name is not immediately recognizable, you may be familiar with his art, particularly the illustrations in that article from 1953, 1957, 1962, and 1978.
- Wikipedia also notes how he has popularity with (as they term it) "the goth subculture".
Re: Borges
I agree that Jorge Luis Borges has written some imaginative things, though I only read a few of his pieces! I was, however, intentionally attempting a spare style that I saw used to good effect by a few other authors.
- Alas, I cannot take credit for that connection/reference, though I am honored to have evoked memories of his works!
- The scene's details were partially inspired by the American Civil War.
RE: Mino Madness
-Do not worry! It was not a reference to anything specific. My reply below to PinoyPony also applies here: "I was attempting to balance serious issues with levity to give the feeling of readers situating themselves in a comic book!" This superscript note was intended to evoke images of how comic books reference previous issues. E.g. there may be a small call-out in a corner of a comic stating: "Remember her from Thundercats No. 4", or introducing a villain, stating "you again!" in the main dialogue boxes, then having a corner box read: "Spiderman No. 324".
- Essentially the gag is that this story itself is a 'moral' pony "graphic novel" but it felt too heavy-handed (and unnecessary and potentially detracting from flow) to make it a frame story, so the overarching 'gag' reference remains only in the comic-style supranoted call-outs and authors' notes,
You got it! Mane 6, 6 M's!
You are right! That's better! Fixed.
- Thank you again. I see how the last segment might be belaboring the point. In terms of the individual protagonist, his desert metanoia climax hits, and then there is a relatively long denouement ending with a spelled-out revelation of what could be implicitly concluded earlier. I will give some thought to it since the goal was for every sentence to be doing something very deliberate, straightforward and spare.
- I see how the story could end with the desert; he had "done his work" at that point.
- The final segment is about him reintegrating with society rather than being an individual, about how he can represent 'everypony' rather than just his individual story, and about him admitting to himself that he wants to change, rather than just doing a single desperate feverish action to atone once and done, but it is worth considering if that's too far from the main point of the story or if more hints need to be inserted earlier.
- Or, riffing on your suggestion, perhaps the desert's penultimate paragraph could be replaced by a 'fuzzy' fade to black and then a version of that paragraph could be merged with the story's penultimate one, covering pertinent personal points: e.g. "he'd buried..." mixed with the universal "everypony" points like how he could go toward the front or the back. Then, within the same paragraph, we would discover how he 'redeemed' himself in the desert. I agree with you that this solution would implement a tacky trick to (hide/draw-out) the revelation, but as I suspect we both are aware: it is also a successful technique, so it must speak to people on some deep level of yearning. Some popular stories here use it and I certainly have seen it used in successful commercial fiction! This might be the route to go and it's an interesting idea.
- Thank you again; having me think more about the potential dual climaxes has been helpful.