I write horse words to get all these ideas out of my head. There are too many living rent free! I write for myself, publish for everyone, and to show that I exist/existed.
The peace is disturbed by an enormous beast, throwing Ponyville into despair. The Mane 6 take it upon themselves to return Ponyville to its prior state. Soon comes a point where generosity's greatest form must be performed. Is this form of generosity worth the cost to those who it is meant for?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm from the "I just want a comment group," so obviously I have come in with the intent to read this to provide feedback.
So far, this pretty okay! It is mechanically alright, and it has some nuance that makes it interesting. It is still pretty rough though. Here are some of my thoughts:
-The domestic scenes about Twilight reading, Ponyville, and the akward conversation between Twlight and Derpy have been my favorite parts so far. Also, I really, uhm, enjoyed? The way that this bit was written:
It's fanfiction now.
-I really like the thing about Twilight's reading chairs! That was well done and provides more nuance for Twilight's character.
-I think that the transition from the description from Ponyville to the description of Twilight reading is a little... abrupt? The Twilight paragraph starting with "As the day continues" kind of implies that this paragraph will be about the day continuing in Ponyville.
-Also, a note about the first paragraph,
I like the parallelism in this paragraph (the "as usual" parts), and it estlishes the scene pretty well. I think the part about how the CMC's have recently gotten their cutie marks disturbs the flow of this paragraph a bit. With this paragraph, there's an opportunity to play with the "as usual repetition," since the Helping Hooves Music Festival is pretty unusual, something like
You could also subvert (I think?) what's usual like this:
-I am confused as to how Twilight found the Ursa Major. Was it luck? Did something happen offscreen? Did Twilight use her magic? Was it somethinge else?
-Derpy things,
The narrator suddenly taking us into Derpy's POV feels weird here.
I think the narrator lingering on Derpy to have this moment works really well.
I interpretted "Brrrrrrrrr" as plane noises.
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Thank you for your feedback and analysis, it is very helpful!
I agree, it was a bit choppy when I went over it as well. Since you pointed it out, I will edit it after posting this reply. I'll try to zoom out of Ponyville and then in on Twilight.
I agree with both being against the grain of the scene. The main reason why I put them in there is to establish when in time this is within the story itself, rather than just saying in the description when it is.
Well on some occasions in the show, ponies, including Twilight, seem to just know where to go? Notice, I did not make her teleportation location perfect as she was behind where Pinkie, Applejack, and Rarity were.
The story is mainly supposed to be in the third person with descriptions of what the others may feel/think. Is this an okay thing to do? Is it okay now that you know it is meant to be third person and not just from the Twilight POV? Even though we follow her the most.
Thank you for all the positive feedback as well. I will keep those good aspects in mind when writing in the future.
Excellent! That is exactly what it should be.
Again, thanks for the feedback comment. I hope you will stick around for the coming chapters? Perhaps upcoming stories? Your feedback was very helpful and would love to hear it more. Until next time, have a good one!
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There's nothing wrong with third person narration that gives glimpses into characters. However, that thing with Derpy felt weirdly intrusive. I don't have any real experience with this way of writing though? Try finding and reading well done examples. Reading is good.
...I'm trying to think of some good examples of action oriented fiction, but everything I've read in that sector is, like, very long. I haven't read a lot of pony fics either, so the one action-y thing I have is Austreaoh... I guess. Here's a good action scene from Austraeoh. It's not spoilery. I will say that in Austraeoh no matter how big something is it never seems like RD will ever be impotent against it. I recommend reading up on action scenes you like. Pay attention to them.
Also it turns out there's plenty of blogs on how to write action here on Fimfic. I read one. It's point (IMO) distilled to: one, you need to have a clear picture of what going on. Second, you should filter what and how you describe the action to engage better engage the reader. Find a good sense (like touch or sound) to appeal to. There were lots of specific examples and the author pretty much tells you what they're into.
There were a couple lines I really liked here, but overall I kept falling out of the action in this chapter. A lot of action in story telling is reliant on smooth, fast narration, and this chapter does not have it.
I really appreciated the techniques the ponies used here, and how they all didn't work. It really drives home the fact that the Major is no joke. I now have a lot of not-positive feedback.
The first thing I noticed in this chapter was that there's a bunch of redundancies.
I do this sometimes. It usually happens when I add a sentence or change a paragraph and forget to go over it again.
It'd be better to rework the paragraph so these informations are only mentioned once. This makes things more concise and flow better. Here's my take:
Also, be careful with your adverbs. "Hopping" is powerful all on it's own, and in this case, it's never implied that pinkie stops hopping. So the "hopping continuously" is repetitious.
This one might just be me, but if Twi and Rare are firing alongside the other unicorns, it is obvious that they are doing what they can.
Applejack is dodging the swipes. It does not need further specification that she's doing so successfully.
You only need 'starts' or 'shouting,' and you only need 'wittness' or 'hear.'
~
I do not think resilient is the right word.
I do not think anticipation is the right word.
When did the Major start actually destroying buildings?
Past?
~
I like this simile. It is good, and demonstrates how impotent the ponies are against the Major.
I believe I have improved the chapter how I see fit based on your helpful feedback.
I have read two chapters now! I just need to go write a thorough comment cause I had so many suggestions and comments!
This is a really great detail. I've always imagined it like that, finally someone put it into words
oh my god, the realistic physics in this chapter. my mind is blown
that is so efficient, what they did with Rarity. that's like what happens when you die in Germany, they just airlift your corpse directly to the graveyard
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I am glad you noticed and appreciate it! It was tricky working it in there in a way everyone can understand. At least without needing a physics class.
Wow, this is a golden chapter for sure, so full of emotion. I can't wait to keep reading.
This story is definitely a heart strings tugger. I especially loved chapter 5, so packed with emotion. It was cruel but clever how you played with Applejack like that when she was approaching Rarity. It added something I can't put into words right now that I really enjoyed. I also very much loved Rarity's part in chapter 4 and Rainbow's reaction in chapter 6, aaand the ending was so good. Basically the whole story was good. The beast fights were maybe a little too drawn out, this is a book, not an action film.
You kept all the characters in-character, they act exactly how I would imagine them to and spoke as I would see in the show. Although, Applebloom was a little off when she was speaking to Sweetie Belle. Something maybe too big for a child like her to say. Although, maybe she is recycling words and thoughts or learned all this in a conversation she could of had with Applejack about their parents. I'd believe that if that's the case, knowing how you write so far, I wouldn't be surprised if that is the true reasoning.
I loved all the references to the show, like Twilight's library chairs and Rarity and Applejack's spa trips.
I like how this story can be dated with what information you put in it. After the Hooffields and McColts episode and before The Mane Attraction. Which made me think about the spa trips, since that was not given to us until Applejack's "Day" Off in S6 E10. Though, it was a tradition for them to go together on a particular day of the week, or at least it has been repeated enough to have a trend where Applejack is often late. So it was a new thing in this story, which you do address with Rarity's dialogue with Aloe Blossom.
As you can tell, I love small things like this. I think it adds a cool layer to a story and its author.
I must also make aware that I loved the symbolism in the second chapter. How Derpy smashes through the Tree of Harmony window in the castle. Symbolic that harmony has been broken on that day. Absolutely fantastic.
I also enjoyed the physics you put into this to justify the premise behind Rarity's demise. You did it without being a physics professor, but referenced it and used it enough so that any reader can get a grasp on what is going on and what relationship physics and magic has.
I personally liked the colors, it made it look neat and tidy. Especially with how many perspectives and characters you go through. Though I would only recommend it for stories like these that use that many different things.
My only thing not-so-awesome about this is story how long the Twilight-Derpy interaction took, but even that was pretty readable and funny. Like the whole "we have doors you know" bit. Also the crashing air plane noises Derpy made while she was incoming, haha.
Oh, one last thing. Speaking of the Twi-Derp interaction, you addressing the "first blood" concept was amazing. Seeing that there is no blood in the actual show, but then in FimFics there is blood all-of-the-sudden. Very good details.
I can't wait to see what else you produce in the future. I will be paying close attention ;)
It's an interesting start and I'm curious to see where this goes. However, I feel like you need to let your characters breathe more, you jump from scene to scene very quickly and it makes it feel like we are at a full sprint through the chapter. Let's see how the next chapter goes.
I found a one-shot that I felt articulated the action scenes very well. Keep grinding because you can see improvements.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/469578/hoist-thy-colors
Alright let me try and help you with this major thing that's bugging me. These conversations need to be cleaned up with attribution and proper way of articulating ponies responses for example:
A better way to put this would be: "Pinkie!" Twilight commanded as the pinkie mare lowered herself like a cat ready to pounce. "You do you."
Pinkie Pie sprang to her hooves. "Okie dokie lokie!"
A smirk appeared on the corner of her lips as Twilight hoof bumped her friends. "Let's give this Ursa Minor a Ponyville welcome that it will never forget."
With the second version you get more body language making the characters feel more alive. Let me show you another example:
This is a great idea and imagery, but let's make it pop more!
"Yeehaw!" Applejack tossed her stenson into the air after securing the knots around the Ursa Minors paws. "We did it y'all! But..." she trailed off take a couple steps back from the bound creature. "What do we do with it now?"
This adds more to the scene and allows AJ to show off some of her mannerism that we have grown to love in the show.
You have a solid idea with this Ursa Minor fight but it gets lost in the conversation because their not articulated properly. When you're writing dialogue think about what they're saying first, then think about the tone of how they're delivering it (are they flat, happy, sad, bitter, elated) and add onto this delivery with body language. We can interrupt someone's intentions through body language alone so don't be afraid to use that.
Okay, lets explore how to improve the "movement" in your story. These are the paragraphs in-between the dialogue that causes your story to lose its pacing. Lets look at the opening paragraph:
Good ideas and images here but they're not fully fleshed out. Its like your telling me what happened rather than me experiencing what happened. Here's what I would do to improve it.
See how much more depth that opening section has now? It has more action and feels alive. Granted it's not perfect but it at least gives movement to the scene rather than you telling me what is happening. But, let's do one more.
Let's see if we can punch this up some more.
This is a big moment for Rarity before she dies so take your time and have her reflect on the good memories. This allows the audience feel for the character more because they know these memories they've seen them. Granted there's a lot more you can do to elevate this scene but I hope you get the picture. Try to let the audience experience what's going on inside your head rather than telling them, because it allows the reader to be more engaged with your story.
Okay lets look at character conflicts here. The opening scene with AJ finding Rarity dead should be the overwhelming emotional moment in the story but it falls flat for me on delievery heres why.
I can get behind the AJ joke about Rarity needing some beauty rest because it fits her character, but that's where it ends. AJ has grown up on a farm her whole life and one can assume that ponies outlive the animals they husband. Based off that, the read can assume that AJ has seen her fair share of death during her time so she would know the signs. I do agree AJ is the best choice in finding her because she would be more level head than her friends but I need more emotion here. Like have her cry/joke about how she remember spilling red wine on Rarity's coat and how she flipped out or a moment when Rarity was holding AJ in her arms or something that connects these two together. All I know is I'm suppose to be sad because Rarity died but I don't feel sad because I'm told to be. (If that makes sense lol)
Honestly, the rest of the incurs the same problems as mentioned in previous comments and I really don't like the idea of pointing out the same thing over and over again to you here.
This is probably one of your better written chapters in my opinion. Outside of the attribution, your dialogue is pretty solid through these scenes. You gave realistic dialogue between life long friends as they attempt to console their friend who feels it's their fault. Twilight does come across as a little harsh in this line though.
Why is Rainbow not allowed to cry over this? She just lost one of her close friends whose she's know for however long and feels its her fault for sacrificing her life. Let Rainbow cry, she feels horrible, I would feel horrible if I was in her shoes. I know it's difficult as a writer to come up with meaningful ways to console someone grieving from loss but don't be afraid to ask for help.
Let me help. Rainbow loves telling stories and one can assume that she would love to hear stories about how awesome she is from her friends. Have Twilight, AJ, or Fluttershy tell her stories about awesome adventures that Rarity and her have been on, like the time she saved Rarity when her wings melted or something. Then you can spin it as Rainbow was always there to protect her and save her from harm because she was such a loyal friend and Rarity could think of no better way of paying back that loyalty with the ultimate gift of generosity; her life for Rainbows. And the best part is Rarity is the pony would never accept her gifts back because that's just who she is. She cares deeply for her friends and could think of no better way of showing that then saving Rainbows life.
Another thing, try to keep the amount of characters in a scene to what is needed. The CMC didn't need to show up at the hospital because they add nothing in regards of moving the plot forward. They only crowded the scene more. However, the next scene with Sweet Belle makes sense for them to be their because they would obviously be consoling their friend who just lost their sister.
Overall, you have good ideas, but need to establish how you want to write a story. It took me 6 chapters to figure out how to describe your writing style but I think I have it. This reads like audio description for a movie, putting it bluntly. Which is not a bad thing if that is your intention, but as I mentioned before you're telling the reader how to enjoy your story rather than the reader experience your story. Remember you have 5 senses not just one so try to incorporate all those in your next story.