• Member Since 25th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen 19 hours ago

Undead Equestrian Writer


Fuck it

T

A man reincarnated, and born as a wolf in the Everfree forest, with the help of the god of creation, will rise to be the strongest creature in the Everfree forest, maybe even in all of Equestria. Unbeknownst to the ponies of this world, Equestria is in danger from something they can't stop, so he needs to befriend the ponies and earn their trust.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 70 )

I'm going to assume that the race of wolf they were was probably the only fully sentient animal, compared to the rest where they have a lesser sentience. Also if this is your first story so far its not that bad in level of detail. It could use more but you could say that for a lot of storys.

10673433
I figure most monster based animals in Equestria were more sentient then deer, rabbits or squirrels. And thanks, I pride myself in details!

A very good start, though a little heavy on the pacing. barely even knew the characters before they got "not alive"d by something. Hell, you introduced like seven gods in the first half of chapter one.
Also rare for me to find someone taking inspiration from manwha, wish I could find more like this.

Overall, I'm just gonna warn you about pacing but the general story is good and I'ma keep tabs on this and see how it goes.

Though, you could also take my advice with a grain of salt, as the only thing I've written on here went to shit pretty fast due to me focusing entirely on one aspect of my story for way to long.

😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻MMMMOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

The massive manticore and all of its heads stared at the petrified Kai.

Manticore have one head.
Chimera, have three.

I'm a very serious wolf lover so it sad me that his family died

damn, that was... really sad :fluttercry:

10673520
Yeah, I've always had a problem with pacing, thanks for the input :)

something isn't right, a whole year and a manticores never been in that area. clearly, something is afoot

I’m liking the pacing in this chapter a bit more than the last. Amazing work adjusting your righting style. Something I will say, the word “as” is seen as a literary crutch, and can encourage run on sentences. Don’t stop your use of the word, but try to find ways around it! I’m enjoying your story my friend! Keep going!:twilightsmile:

10674245
Huh... I never really noticed, but thanks a lot, everything helps!

congrats on the feature!

10674342
your story showed up in the featured box.

i am intrigued. watching and waiting for more.

yeah, id thought that something like this would happen but id hoped there would at least be 2 left. the idea of being the last of a species is just Depressing to think about :/. very lonely

10674695
I saw, and it made me a happy boi


10674721
Yeah, it's a very lonely thought, and a very sad thought

you should add the game notification instead of just telling it

10674784
I'm determining if I should do that or if it would interrupt the flow of the story, I'll change it a bit in the next chapter to see how people react to it!

I'm liking this so far.

With the title you had my interest, with the description you had my attention, with the story you have my anticipation.:ajsmug:

Very interesting idea, looking forwards to another chapter

Hmm will he be able to talk? twilight's reaction would be priceless

You had my interest, now you have my attention

Comment posted by Von Voctavia deleted February 13th

Got serious Warrior Cats Leadership Ceremony vibes from this chapter.

Blast from the past...

This feels like a very abrupt way to start off a story... Kinda feels like it just goes, "Hey your dead, but you get to live again with life as just one big game as a wolf. Now go, do whatever you want."

I suppose if it was in the first person, with confusion mixed in, then it would make sense easily being put off as time slipping by in the confusion of his death, but no this is the third person.

This is all just too fast-paced for my personal preference, like a rush to get the protagonist out and into the world asap before anymore useful background information or lot was given.

It also just feels... Oddly disconnected? The main character is referred to as 'The teen' and nothing more. That's it, nothing there to make me want to know more about this character. Like as if I dropped into the middle of an episode on some random show I have never watched, I'm not at all interested because I have no background information.

And there wasn't much on how the character felt. In my mind, I was forced to think of this character plainly sitting there, poker face doing nothing as he listened. As his mind was elsewhere, or he was just frozen.

Then there was introducing all of those characters at once right at the start of the story. Now, this part is a purely personal preference, but I'm not that good at remembering others. I can hear someone's name and the next day talk to them and forget it again. I prefer slower introductions and something more than just, "Hi I'm Blank, I work at Blank and I do Blank. But right now I'm going to do Blank to you for plot convenience. Goodbye."

While there are some other things I could point out, I'm just going to keep reading. At least these things are all very minor to me and I can still at least enjoy the story for the slice of life aspects(Whatever there is) since to me, if I can't connect with a story, I really don't care whether down the line the characters die or not.

Now, usually, I don't leave my thoughts of the chapter in a comment, but I suppose I could make an exception here. I'm enjoying the story so far, but multiple things stood out. Now, don't mistake this comment for me harping out some hate, these are just my thoughts and opinions.

The Grey Moon wolves hadn't expanded in the past year, still sitting at seven wolves in the warm cave. The pups were now one year old, and all of them had grown well, and as the winter months slowly wrapped up, the alpha prepared to go hunting with his pack.

Skipping an entire year? Alrighty. Killing off his family? Meh, what's next?

He doesn't know how long he ran, but his entire body was on fire as saw the silhouette of the cottage he was told of by his father. He began to slow, his body too fatigued to keep going, he got within around 15 feet of the cottage, and collapsed, his body had given up.

Why there? Was it just pure, random luck he went there? Was there even a reason? Did he know of Fluttershy before? For all he knows, the ponies would love to dissect him, even if we as the readers know better.

He's the last Grey Moon wolf?

As in, last in existence? The area? Forest? If it's the last of his kind, do ponies not care about preserving and or saving a near-extinct species? I wasn't going to comment from the last chapter when it was mentioned/hinted he was the last, but now I'm curious.

If you kill yourself, or are killed in any way I will just rewind time and force you to try again,

Abusable, kill yourself, go back, save family. Yes, this is supposed to be sarcasm:derpytongue2:, it's pretty obvious that there were probably limits to it.

Living in a cave, he never realized how big he was, but he found out quickly when he had to keep his knees to stand in this living room.

Did killing squirrel does not give you a point of reference? Have you considered that the ponies are the ones that are small? A year-old and you're making life long revelations already... Which probably should have been made earlier.

Ahem, now on to other things, Anyways after thinking back on chapter two, and then realizing the chapter name I felt as if chapter two could have been an entire story arc before killing off his family and forcing the story to move on. It would have given the characters and his family life. Give a reason to care. Not to just have a single chapter introduce a character then kill off the character one nap later.

The next thing I wanted to move on to was the lack of... What is it, information? The lack of what the character feels. Yes, I know he sad, his family just died, but I just can't connect with him. I know his emotions, but his thoughts are just as important. Heck, I don't even know his personality. How would he react if this or that happened?

There's also a lot of things just never explained. The menus. There's no description on it. For all I know, it could be the Halo Reach Hud. What's the Everfree like? How do they survive? What his relationship to his family(A single brief conversation doesn't really count in my mind)?

I mean, some of these questions I offhandedly came up with while writing this comment letting the chapter run on TTS. Personally, this story feels... Ugh, I can come up with the right word. There are plenty of stories like this one I enjoy as well, but they feel so... emotionless. It's a good story yes, but it's just missing something. It may be the pacing, or it could be something else, but I can't quite figure it out.

Anyways, that's all of my thoughts on the story for now. Use my thoughts as criticism to improve or not, I really don't care, it's your story and you can do whatever you want with it, but these are just what stood out to me the most.

Edit: I forgot to add there were some similar stories I've read like this that you might wanna take a look at.

  1. The Game: Aether and Mind, a persona favorites of mine. It might take a while, but once you get past the first few chapters to Equestria the story gets better.
  2. Dragon Reincarnated, I didn't get far on this one mostly out of fear that once I'd finished the fic there'd be no more to ever come, but from what I've read it's pretty good.
  3. The Royal Gamer, another really good one, why haven't I notice there were four new chapters to read?

And that's all the stories like this one I can think of out of the top of my head. In fact, I'll just give you an entire group to look over that are similar to this story, Life is One Big Game.

10676683
That's fine, although most of your points were intentional on my end, namely calling him "the teen" and giving nearly no information about him, as it allows me to reveal his past later on and his human name no longer matters. Thanks for trying my story though, it does help seeing critiques on my writing, like I'll agree, I did kinda rush it to get him out into the world.

10676708
I understand my story and writing style won't be for everyone, but thank you for giving me pointers again.

10677304
It's fine, some critism can go a long way and I want to see this story go far:pinkiehappy:

I would normally leave some criticism behind when it's a story that's really good, or a story I feel could go a long way. Either way, I await to see where this story leads.

I want more XD I hate waiting as it's so good ...
Keep up the great work!

I like this story

10755016
I do too, I've just been busy with life

10759598
Take your time

Nice story. And now the waiting game starts

Really like this story! Also I hope your depression gets better!

10791290
Thanks, and I also hope it gets better, but I don't have high hopes

10791302
There is a saying, it reads “Believe you can and you are halfway there.”.

Welcome back.
You should give this group a try. It helps me when I feel down, and I hope it helps you too.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215022/positive-ponies

Good chapter
Almost no mistake
Also THANK GOD YOUR ALIVE I don't know what I would do if this story stop

Intriguing, very very intriguing

More please?

Hello everyone, I just wanted to write this saying I have just finished HS and the weight off my back has caused me to feel much better, so I'm hoping to be able to write something within the next week.

And now, we have to find the Princess's opinion of good ol kai

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