I write horse words to get all these ideas out of my head. There are too many living rent free! I write for myself, publish for everyone, and to show that I exist/existed.
Sunburst visits Ponyville to see Starlight but the trip does not go as planned. He ends up spending more time with Twilight, Trixie, and Maud. Sunburst doesn't even want to play games with Starlight anymore. Seeming like their friendship is over and lost, she uses an old spell to go back to when they did have fun together every day. Before the time passed Starlight by.
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Did you actually mean to write "Starburst?"
11372860
Yeah. Starburst sounds like a name they would give themselves for how close they were and how often they would be in each other’s company.
11372909
But now I see why you used Starburst.
Yeah, I've seen it before to describe Starlight and Sunburst shipping.
The Good
Lovely and impactful. The story really changes for the better in the second half
Bad
Some of the interactions in between the characters are a bit too cardboard-like. The in medias res style start hurts it a bit, so it would've been beneficial to feel that Starlight is mayhaps feeling lonely or estranged from Sunburst, and that she hasn't really gotten to interact with his friend in so long that she's plotting to have "a few things returned to how they used to be". We barely get to hear anything from old Sunburst at all.
The pacing's really fast, every scene just zooms and flies too fast to leave an impact. Geez, Starlight crumbled back to crying that fast? It escalated quickly
Then there are several missed opportunities.
Wouldn't it be nice if Starlight had shared some of her modern worries with Sunburst? Why mention this if it doesn't build up to anything?
Maybe a child Sunburst would've been able to tell her how silly she'd be for feeling lonely due to her overworking or overthinking things?
Ah-hah. The moral dilemma here is great, but we've reached the halfway point of the story just to have it be presented this way, with very limited build up. Even the nightmares are just shown as 'Nightmares' with no detail for them
Fix the Starburst references, they're just Sunburst talking or doing something, and they are just errors in the story.
TL;DR
1. There's a clear pacing issue that is causing a lot of scenes to pass by with insufficient words put in them to leave an impact
2. What does happen either doesn't impact the characters, doesn't leave an emotional feeling or escalates the feels to the max in one sentence
3. Grammar is ok but the adverb use is noticeable, scaling it back with more action or description would be best.
4. The interactions we do get are stiff and wooden.
The premise is good, the moral dilemma is good, and the resolution is good. It's one of those cases where I can see what you're going for, the ideas are there and they're great, but the execution isn't that good.
11374831
Thank you, Falk. I shall take what you’ve said and put it to good use. I think the main reason for the pacing and “cardboard-ness” came down to it being an episode insert. The beginning and ending of this story are in the actual episode Uncommon Bonds. So I mistakenly wrote it with the attitude that the show already set up for Starlight and Sunburst. Perhaps I will rewrite this for the improvement. Again, thanks.
You created a word for an exact thing I need to use for a future chapter of a future story I’m writing. Thank you! Homoboditicus sounds absolutely perfect!