- Member Since 7th Oct, 2021
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
WaywardSon
"Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender." G'Kar - Babylon 5
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nice start👍
its a good start but i need more until i can form an opinion on this ngl
Hmm, I gotta say Wayward, I'm a bit perplexed on how to approach this. On the one hand, the action is solid and gets the blood going, but I don't really feel that invested in these two characters right off the bat, especially Star, if their only two interactions before the big fight scene are:
1. Let's take a shortcut through a dangerous uncharted route with my pregnant wife. If we need help, we will visit a city that is the equivalent of Sodom or Gomorrah
2. We're in the middle of the badlands, practically unsheltered, let's have some adult fun!
I mean, beyond my own personal tastes in the execution, it doesn't help that Moon actually points this out as a bad idea.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't feel like we got a good enough reason to deviate from the original route, I don't feel any connection with Star beyond being vexed and frustrated that he placed his entire family at risk for a shortcut that was unnecessary (Maybe if the package was important or the original route was somehow blocked or unsafe for other reasons). This really just gave me a deep feeling of disappointment and sorrow for poor old Moon getting placed in such a situation, and I don't know if that's all you were going for.
This chapter really picks up from the previous one. If the story is about Moon Petal surviving and escaping enslavement, that's one heck of a story I'd like to read. Just...if you could add some more of that descriptive magic you have in your other stories, like Future Elements and Late Delivery, maybe it could be more impactful.
Konigi feels like he'll be an interesting villain. Idk if you plan on taking him as the sly and cunning type with a side of sadism or maybe something more bombastic like Calvin Candy from Django