We all make choices. Decisions that are often thrust upon us by circumstance more often than personal desire. For Orion, his choices will lead him through the veil of our world and into the wonder of another.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The update is today my friend!
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I wish, maybe I could get the whole thing out in a couple of years that way. Still, thank you for noticing my efforts!
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Thank you for the honest review, I hope to continue to improve in the future!
Hell yeah a new chapter, can't wait to read it!
Great to see another chapter! I'm always happy to see another updates, really worth waiting for :D
Yay new update.
Happy to have you back!
Sundown Syndicate, huh? No bets on who they work for. Shining might be in a heap of trouble if he ever gets home. Orion too, but that really goes without saying at this point.
nice chapter
10/10 chapter, would read again.
Very interesting development, ancient artifacts that turned out to be computers and guns? I honestly thought Orion would have gone the "Alicorn Amulet" route and become uber powerful (minus the mind altering megalomania, seriously who would program that into an amulet?) just to rub it in the face of everyone who wrote Orion off as a weakling/cripple/mutt. But instead he can make computers and guns to completely blow their minds. (if he gets the chance to examine their those artifacts and replicate their enchantments that is.)
A new chapter?
I'm doing pretty good. Pinched a nerve in my back last week. But thankfully it's mostly better now.
As for my thoughts on this chapter. Since it's clear that Emil is about to be betrayed by the cult's agents. My money is on them setting off the magical equivalent of a tactical nuke as they teleport to safety. And while it is safe to say that Shining Armor and Spitfire will survive. I'm also going to bet that Gerhard will be among the casualties. If that does end up happening. I wonder how that will complicate Orion's plans for helping Grace.
Also, I loved the Warhammer 40k reference with the Nav'ter.
Glad to see you back! Few small things that got my attention.
If you have time, listening to written chapters through a tts reader helps identify grammar and spelling mistakes. Much easier than specifically looking for those errors. Even missed open or close quotations depending on the reader.
"With the cover of darkness, his squadron of bloodthirsty griffons and not-so-excited ponies would cut a circuit around the mountain in which an old fortress the strangely well-organized bandits had taken to was perched on a short cliff."
Seems a little run on here.
""Ten minutes, eh?" Chortled Vorder, lowering a flask from his beak and inhaling satisfactorily. The pony snorted in exasperation."
Reads a bit strange. "Inhaling/sighing In satisfaction"?
"Clearly, that was never the case, as she watched in mounting horror as another volley of stone was lobbed their way and quickly scrambled out of the tower as two more reduced the structure to complete destruction."
I think this one would roll off the tongue better if it ended with "reduced the structure to complete ruin"
"The same went for the wood supports and scones set high on the wall."
Scones? Sconces? I assume you meant the older light fixtures and not a dessert.
Reminds me of the ancient laser sniper mistaken as a clothes line in Konosuba
Hydrated: nope
Sleep: for the weak
Hotel: Trivago
Just kidding, but welcome back!
Did you use 1984 when making the church of Sol? I always think of Big Brother with the way they are written
Both shining and orion are in trouble, I kinda want orion to take one of those rifles that he was shown and also maybe repair that pc.
The irony is that the organization and its influence are openly on sight. Most ponies just ignore the shady stuff behind the curtain.
[1] Double tense
Grace is gonna blow his mind with her hot bikini-clad beach bod, isn't she?
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My apologies, I have used it all on myself.
My guy really went: *teleports behind you" "Nothing personal, kid"
Hello? Are you there my friend?
oh look it got roughly to the same point in the story as last time and has stalled out again...how surprising.
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No? The last one went well beyond this point and was completed. In fact I'm rereading the original now and near the end of the griffonia arc and still got 6 8k-10k word chapters left. So not the same at all. And life finds a way to get in the way without scheduling in advance, we can only speculate on what is going
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Let's just hope he is okay. Author usually doesn't go dead silent like this .
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We at least know he isn't dead. He is occasionally online.
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Well, this has certainly been an interesting story. And one that sits on the love-hate spectrum for me.
The positive remarks for this story is defiantly locked in with the writing style and world building that is done. This is one of the few stories to seamlessly create such a well developed and crafted world such as this. Very much fleshed out with the lives, mindsets, and characteristics of both the citizens and the principality they live in. Not to mention that the society they live in is so well structured and crafted, both with its pros and cons. Considering this is an alternate universe as opposed to the canon, this is especially notable as it makes structuring said world even trickier. Yet it is done to such a flawless degree, holding both elements of our own society with fantasy creations thrown into the mix. On top of being very well written that seems professionally done.
Now for the issues, and they primarily fall with the character(s) and the plot itself.
If I had a dollar for every "human adult turned to pony foal" story I've seen on this site, I'd probably be a millionaire. Not only is it not a very good concept to begin with, given I can't stand even regular human-pony stories, but it seems that literally everyone is making one nowadays. So much so that they are practically everywhere you look. With no matter what happens in the story itself they all seem to come from the same cookie-cutter mold. All the same with little differential aspects. While this is a bit different with the Anthropomorphic concept, it's still the exact same as a millions of others out there. Heck it isn't even a human-in-Equestria story anymore, but instead pony-with-personality-disorder. Coincidentally, I like the genre of a human being adopted by a pony, but I'd like to see a story written as good as this one that does it with a normal human. Something in of itself has become a rarity of fics. As opposed to this, which seems to be getting more and more slopped out like food on a cafeteria lunch tray.
The other dislike is particularly the characters. Particularly, the main character. Oh, joy, Orion is another angsty, snarky, jaded (narcissistic) "edge-lord" who seems to be another variant of Deadpool. Haven't seen that before.... Wrong, this is another mold perfected trope that seems to be springing up everywhere, practically becoming the new Gary-Stu. Actually, these characters are worse than Gary-Stu's, because at they at least have some form of redeeming factor. Orion has none of these. The amount of times I'm hoping that gets an eye blackened is astronomical, and would make my day to see someone finally stand up to his crap. Or at least scream at him to 'Shut Up!', a-la Scharwzenegger from Kindergarten Cop. Change the situation and premise, and he's a stereotypical bully who makes life miserable for everyone around him and needs to learn that the world doesn't need to grovel for him.
Again, very well crafted story, but just not so great with characters or concepts that fall with usual cliches.
New reader here, just caught up.
I'm enjoying the world you're building. I love how evercreature in the know of what they are, are absolutely terrified of Artificers and what their existence could me against the status quo.
That being said, I have a critique.
The story is starting to drag a bit. We've been in Griffonia for something like half the story now (or so it feels) and while it was supposed to be "for the summer" it feels a lot longer. And when that plot point finally seemed to be coming to a climax ( steel was finally produced) so we could move the story along, Orion and Co head to Seacrest for a vacation (for "a few weeks"?!). So, now we're looking at a plot line in Seacrest, a plot line in Aviary, a plot line with Shining Armor, a plot line with what ever the hell Celestia is doing, and CoS has also reared their ugly head again. It's feeling like we've got too many irons in the fire and the overall story is getting spread thinner and thinner.
I guess I'm ready for a wrap up with the Griffs and get back to finding out the tension between Orion and Celestia, because I'm expecting some serious fireworks when he gets back. (Personally, I think Celestia just officially adopted him -on paper- so she could have more control over him. That would NOT go over well with Orion, but I can totally see her doing that.)
So I'm very much interested in where we're going next, but, yeah, it's starting to feel a bit slow overall.
thx
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Mr. white are you being threatened by the I.R.S again?
Oh god i miss it. I feel like its been ages ☠️
5 months later and still no new chapter...
I hope it's not abandoned maybe one day we will get new chapter lmao
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Crossing the fingers. 2024 will be the year of new chapters. I know it....
Eh, could only get through 3 chapters before I got annoyed by the unnecessary hostility and edginess. I’m sure it’s a great story but not for me.
i.imgflip.com/2ww4ky.png
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Ah....my heart! You've killed me!
In all seriousness, I tried my damndist to make that goal. But depression is an ugly beast, and it kicked my ass from one end to the other. However, fret not! For the story is not dead, just stalled a little. As I stated in my Blog post. I am shooting to begin reloading either Mid-March, or the First week of April. So hang in there!
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Lmao😂
Will do, and good luck. I hope you are feeling better now mate, depression is no joke. I should know.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
Hey, I don't know if you know but there's an awesome character sheet of Orion on X. Is it yours?
https://twitter.com/RedgraveMorgan
Oh wait nevermind. I just saw your username on the artwork. Dumb me
Bro looks like a pony viking. I freaking love it
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Haha! Yeah. That's a me. And thank your in rather proud of his development.
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(Sorry for the bad english)
My friend should I expect a new chapter on april?
I study Electrical engineering and I was surprised to find myself studying harder so I could have more free time to read your story. To the point of making an account today just to write you a comment. This work is a masterpiece and I love every part of it. thank you for sharing your wonderous mind and imagination with us. Wish that you relaesed more chapters but I know that if you hasten your writing the quality would drop and trust me I LOVE This story's quality, thank you once again for writing this flawless gem.
Now I ask again. Are you going to continue in april?