- Member Since 9th Feb, 2020
- offline last seen 37 minutes ago
PrinceOfDarkness
Retired author, husband and father.
PrinceOfDarkness
Joined 9th Feb, 2020 ·
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While an interresting concept, it feels very rushed.
10958776
It is not rushed, it took me three days to write this actually.
Show some respect please.
10958778
It's an opinion, dude. How about you respect them? That's tame compared to what others can throw at you so be grateful you have one that's not harsh.
10958778
10958776
I think they meant on the pacing of the story, it might be moving too fast to rush to a certain event, often omitting certain details that might be obtained if that event was not rushed.
10958778
At last! Well done, keep up the good work, mellonin.
10958778
When have I been respectles?
10958776
If you are referring to the Momma comment, I agree as such a relationship needs more time to build and I would also recommend showing how that bond forms in story. That is not to say the author wrote this quickly or did not put in effort before publishing the chapter.
10959194
There's actually a reason I added that.
Sunset once met luna outside of CHS and she also met Chrysalis.
Sunset's seen Luna as a sort of mother figure since she was an orphan.
And Luna loves Sunset as a daughter.
Next chapter Luna and Chrysalis will talk with Sunset about it all.
10959201
It would be helpful to show such either in a flashback or mention it in the chapter where the comment is first made. I phrased it that way in case you write future stories similar to this one or rewrite this one later. Just trying to offer my advice on that and I'm not an editor so take it as you will.
I have to say that whilst I like the concept (Sunset is normally adopted by Celestia in these sorts of stories), I agree with 10958776 that the pacing of the narrative is far too fast. I would suggest taking time to build up Luna and Sunset's relationship, as this would lend the story more emotional weight.
10958778
I also enjoy the concept of the story, however, I think you misunderstood what Silent Wing was trying to say by saying it was rushed. They are not meaning anything about grammar and how long it took you to write the story, etc, I think they mean there’s very little build up. Why does Luna see Sunset as a daughter? And why does Sunset see Luna as a mother figure? Moreover, why does Sunset call Chrysalis “Momma Chrysalis? Those things they are meaning that the story is rushed. I’m not trying to be hateful or anything like that, I’m just pointing out a few things. It’s good to create more of a suspense and build up as it will capture in more of an audience. Think of the characters reasonings more of your own. Ask Luna why she wants to adopt Sunset
update sweet
I thought you was gived up of this story
10960226
I've been working on the story.
You know, since Luna, Celestia and Chrysalis were born around the early 1980's, you could reference music bands like Guns N Roses, Kansas, KISS, Metallica, Bon Jovi, MJ, Sex Pistols, Green Day, etc.
Aww 🥰 So cute Thank you for the update 🙏😘
Excellent work, as usual. Love to see what you come up with next time!
Thank you for the update 🙏🥰
I'll have to remember to have popcorn ready for when the confrontation between mama bear Luna vs Princess Celestia comes. Great chapter
11253388
Luna will be very angry with Princess Celestia. After all, the mare abused Sunset's trust, respect and their bond. Sure, Sunset shouldn't have gone in the restricted part of the library or tried to take over the world, but in the end she didn't even do it. She was just angry, hurt and wanting a mother to love and care for her.
Without a proper healthy and stable childhood/foalhood, Sunset wasn't raised properly and Princess Celestia kinda groomed Sunset into being a princess anyways. So she isn't blameless.
Luna AND Chrysalis will both be very angry mama bears.
so karma has been dealt with.
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11263441
hey. take it easy there dude. there is no need to bring in crazy pinkie.
11263454
I just satisfied on the part when those three brats were exposed eventually.
11263459
ok ok. but don't go crazy.
11263461
O.K!
11263467
hmmmmm. well ok then.
I like when the cmcs get some sort of punishment. They messed up pretty big and part of being responsible is taking your punishment when you mess up. Of course I hope that the rest of the school especially those fair weather friends don't get off too easy.
Finally AAM was revealed, i can't wait to see what's coming next
11263477
Yeah, they really need to talk to them about that Sunset ALMOST died, due to them!!!!!
Let that horrific realization and guilt eat them up on the inside.
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11263498
Let's just say that Luna and Chrysalis are very overprotective mama bears towards Sunset.
And yeah, the CMC got what they deserved by being exposed.
11263528
See what I mean?
That wasn't me, that was Twili-Don't, I'm too angry to talk right now.
11263708
wonder how the ex friends will react to this.
[Darth Vader]: The Force is strong with this one.
*death by fluff*
🕯⚔I have my torch and Pitchfork and am ready to have a 'talk' with Tia.
11284511
Do as you wish.
I'm glad you like this story. Please check out the rest of the story.
the fluff.
i think my eyes have cavities.
how is that possible??
11288996
I just wrote this when I was with my own mom.
I was writing this chapter on my laptop when she started saying how proud she was of me.
Coincidence?