• Member Since 9th Feb, 2020
  • offline last seen 13 minutes ago

PrinceOfDarkness


My favorite characters are Sunset Shimmer and Twilight sparkle. I like writing Anon A Miss stories.

Comments ( 18 )

While an interresting concept, it feels very rushed.

10958776
It is not rushed, it took me three days to write this actually.

Show some respect please.

10958778
It's an opinion, dude. How about you respect them? That's tame compared to what others can throw at you so be grateful you have one that's not harsh.

10958778
10958776
I think they meant on the pacing of the story, it might be moving too fast to rush to a certain event, often omitting certain details that might be obtained if that event was not rushed.

10958778
At last! Well done, keep up the good work, mellonin. :twilightsmile:

10958778
When have I been respectles?

nice work on chapter you and lionstars stories are the best:twilightsmile:

10958776
If you are referring to the Momma comment, I agree as such a relationship needs more time to build and I would also recommend showing how that bond forms in story. That is not to say the author wrote this quickly or did not put in effort before publishing the chapter.

10959194
There's actually a reason I added that.

Sunset once met luna outside of CHS and she also met Chrysalis.

Sunset's seen Luna as a sort of mother figure since she was an orphan.

And Luna loves Sunset as a daughter.

Next chapter Luna and Chrysalis will talk with Sunset about it all.

10959201
It would be helpful to show such either in a flashback or mention it in the chapter where the comment is first made. I phrased it that way in case you write future stories similar to this one or rewrite this one later. Just trying to offer my advice on that and I'm not an editor so take it as you will.

I have to say that whilst I like the concept (Sunset is normally adopted by Celestia in these sorts of stories), I agree with 10958776 that the pacing of the narrative is far too fast. I would suggest taking time to build up Luna and Sunset's relationship, as this would lend the story more emotional weight.

10958776
its not and please read my blog stop

Comment posted by Tyrannosaurus comet deleted Sep 1st, 2021
Comment posted by Tyrannosaurus comet deleted Sep 1st, 2021
Comment posted by lion Brave deleted Sep 1st, 2021

10959285
Don't worry, I always keep my comments constructiv and civil.

10958778
I also enjoy the concept of the story, however, I think you misunderstood what Silent Wing was trying to say by saying it was rushed. They are not meaning anything about grammar and how long it took you to write the story, etc, I think they mean there’s very little build up. Why does Luna see Sunset as a daughter? And why does Sunset see Luna as a mother figure? Moreover, why does Sunset call Chrysalis “Momma Chrysalis? Those things they are meaning that the story is rushed. I’m not trying to be hateful or anything like that, I’m just pointing out a few things. It’s good to create more of a suspense and build up as it will capture in more of an audience. Think of the characters reasonings more of your own. Ask Luna why she wants to adopt Sunset

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