LilSlipsy
Joined 22nd Dec, 2017 ·
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Heh, fun!
A little silly and the table part was kinda overindulgent but those aren't necessarily negatives, are they? Twilight's perspective is a fun one here, characterised well and her innocence is captured just as intended. Nice work!
So, can we do it again?
For those playing at home, male horses lack nipples because they have their shit together better than we do.
I'd say this story is... okay. There are several legitimate strengths, such as the way you capture Twilight's innocence in combination with her inquisitive nature. The descriptions are quite good as well. On the other hand, there are a lot of areas that could be improved. Shining in particular feels like he could use some work, as he just kind of goes along with everything without any real will of his own. Also, the "found out" part of the contest feels abrupt and like it gets dropped too quickly. The dinner scene is over way too fast, and we never see a real genuine reaction from Velvet. Also, I don't buy that Shining would immediately promise Twilight that they could do it again. It's not an outright bad story, but it doesn't feel like a fully realized version of what it wants to be. And it doesn't fully capture the idea of the contest.
10678415
And mice, for some reason.
10679196
Actually, I think I remember reading somewhere that mammals with male nipples are a minority. A very small minority, if I remember correctly. But I’m >60% sure on that.
10704540
No surprise. My memory’s not the greatest. And I don’t remember where I read it, so it’s possible that I actually am remembering what I read correctly, and whoever wrote it was wrong, too. Either way, it happens, and thanks for letting me know.
10704585
Np! I probably came off as rude, so I apologize if so.
10704614
Not particularly. Brusque, at worst. I didn’t read it even that severely until you brought it up.