• Published 7th Jan 2021
  • 9,872 Views, 55 Comments

Optics - Uh-hmmm

Caramel decides to promote stallionism at a Wonderbolt performance. In retrospect, bringing Anon along for support may not have been the best idea. (RGRE) {This story has two versions, the last chapter is the first person version.}

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First Person POV

I am Anonymous (90kg), enjoying a pepperoni sub sandwich at a table outside the recently opened griffin deli. I idly wonder what goes into the pepperoni, pigs and such are sapient here, after all. Admittedly, I’m not entirely sure what goes into normal pepperoni either. For the sake of my appetite, I decide not to look the gift birdcat in the mouth. Catbird? Gift Griffin, ooh, alliteration. Caramel (1 cup sugar, 1 cup of butter, boil in a sasspan until it reaches the hardball stage) prances towards my table.

"You will never guess who got two tickets to the Wonderbolts show!"

I smile at my friend.

"Nice! Are you going to be taking Pierced Pinion then?"

Caramel shakes his head.

"That wouldn't be the right optics, Anon. We have to show the matriarchy that a stallion doesn't need a mare to support him to make a statement!"

Ah. Optics, right. That poor mare.

"So that means..."

Caramel grins at me.

"Boy's night out, you and me! I already booked a hotel in Fillydelphia, and got the train tickets ready."

I scratch my cheek. If turning him down would give Pinion (2whipped10pecked) a chance, I'd do it, but Caramel would probably just cancel instead. And it's not like I don't want to go; the Wonderbolts put on a good show.

"So, when are we planning on leaving?"

Caramel claps his hooves in delight.

"I knew you would have my back! The train leaves this Saturday at 21 AM. We'll only be staying the one night, so I doubt you'll need much more than a suitcase."

I give him a thumbs up.

"Sounds like a plan."

The next morning, I find him by the station, a long cardboard tube strapped across his back, pulling a small wagon with a heavily bedazzled harness. I wave at him and he perks up immediately, trotting over.

"Anon, looking good this morning! I love what you did with your scarf."

I smile.

"Thanks, I like your, uh, harness?"

Caramel preens.

"I made it myself! Well, not made-it made it, but I exercised my stallion's prerogative and made it my own by glitzing it up. Maybe when we get back, we can bedazzle your suitcase too!"

I subconsciously tug my suitcase closer to myself.

"No, I like it as is. It's...understatedly elegant or something."

Caramel nods seriously.

"Way to go, Anon, bucking societal expectations of accessories for stallions. I like it."

I sigh. He's a good guy, and he helped me find a place to stay when I first got here, but Caramel bases far too much of his identity on "fighting the matriarchy". It's a relief when the train pulls into the station and the two of us have to step quick to find a pair of seats for ourselves. I check the charge on my phone as I sit down.

The thing's a green monocrystal, but slim enough to fit in my pocket. The horn icon is about 3/4 filled in, so it should last at least until tomorrow. I slide it back into my pocket and look up to see Caramel chewing his lip. He sighs.

"I really should get some mare saddlebags, but fiddling with them to fit is such a hassle."

I shrug.

"You could just pay Rarity to adjust them for you. Or commission her to make some bigger saddle bags on a stallion style harness."

Caramel nods ruefully.

"Maybe next month when I have some bits to spare..."

I frown.

“How expensive are these tickets?"

He waves a hoof dismissively.

"It's not that, I recently got a taffy pulling machine for the shop. The cost of the machine itself, then installation, and a warranty... it adds up."

I raise my eyebrows.

"I can imagine. Still, it sounds like a good investment."

He grins.

"Oh, it is! My back is feeling much better, now that I'm not rearing up and stretching candy for hours."

The train ride passed quickly enough with such idle chatter. Once again, he resisted my pitch about buying miniatures and painting them. I thought I might have had a chance since the Dao got an update that made them halfway viable, but it's not like Caramel cares about miniature gaming in the first place.

Fillydelphia is nice enough as far as cities go, but I am glad to drop off my luggage at the hotel. I only take a water bottle with me to the stadium, but Caramel hauls pretty much half of what he brought in the wagon, that tube still on his back. I frown.

"You're not going to have me handing out pamphlets are you?"

He glances at me.

"Well, if somepony approaches while I'm busy, I certainly would appreciate if you gave them something to read. I know you don't really know the arguments or statistics, so don't worry about debating anypony."

I sigh.

"What if I just pay you back for the ticket instead?"

Caramel laughs and bumps my leg with his flank.

"Come on, a little activism won't kill you. It's not like I'm having you back me up in a court case or something."

The two of us join the line leading into one of the stadium entrances. I shake my head.

"The things I do for a friend."

Caramel smirks.

"I'll tell you what, when we get arrested, you have my permission to blame it all on me."

I shoot him a worried glance.

"Are you planning on getting arrested?"

He shakes his head.

"No, that's step 14 in my grand strategy for a stallionist overthrow of the government. By then you'll be subtly influencing your herd of highly placed mares to corrupt the legal system."

I blink, then catch the little smirk on his face.

"Fine, but I get Horstralia when the times comes."

Caramel grins.


The ticket mare eyes Caramel's wagon, then his caboose as she waves the two of us inside. Caramel snorts but carries on. I find my seats easily enough, and ease into the enchanted fog cushion. It's deliciously cool and soft, I really ought to save up for a cloudbed if this is how it would feel. Caramel pops the top off the tube and removes and unfurls the blue and gold sign.

[More Stallions ]

[In Wonderbolts]

I frown.

"Isn't there one or two? That Soarin guy?"

My friend nods.

"Sure, but that's one stallion out of twelve wonderbolts, while one in four ponies is a stallion. They can do better, maybe if they lowered the standards for stallion applicants, or-"

I hold up my hands.

"I get it, I get it. Nice choices on the colors, very eye-catching."

Caramel rolls his eyes.

"It's the Wonderbolt colors, of course it's eye-catching. Thanks, though."

He slides the signpole into a fitting on his wagon and grabs a hooffull of pamphlets.

"Save my seat while I distribute these, alright?"

I give him a mock salute and settle back into my seat and he trots into the crowd. I take the opportunity to admire the clear sky and wide open design of the stadium. My eyes are draw to the four ponds in the middle, unnaturally still in the gentle summer breeze.


About half an hour later, Caramel comes back, his head held high like he always does when a mare dismisses his arguments without addressing them. He drops into his seat and crosses his forehooves and grumbles below his breath. I casually take a sip from my water bottle.

"So, what are those ponds down there? Water landings for the 'bolts?"

Caramel shakes out his mane with a huff and answers.

"Scrying pools. For close ups of the fliers."

I nod my head.

"Cool, never seen that before. I'm guessing it would be impractical to grow a display monocrystal that big or use a bunch of crystals to make a big screen."

Caramel shrugs

"Could be, I never studied Information Thaumaturgy. Anypony come by asking about stallionism?"

I shake my head.

"I think the sign looks too much like something a fan would use to cheer them on, so ponies don't actually read it."

My friend slumps in his seat.

"Ugh, this day has just been one disaster after another."

I really don't want to ask about it, so I just pat his withers comfortingly. It's a relief when the show begins with a salvo of fireworks. The Wonderbolts streak through the sparks, the roar of their magic parting the air resonates in my chest. I look down at the scrying pools and see them salute the scrying focus. Then the pools zoom in on Soarin (1 more apple pie and it'll go straight to his hips) as he winks at the focus and pivots into a steep climb, the tight uniform doing nothing to hide the bulge of his sheath The mares in the audience whistle and stomp their hooves in applause. Caramel scoffs.

"I bet he doesn't make nearly as much as the mares on the team, even though they're exploiting him like this."

A slightly chubby mare nearby clears her throat.

"Well, actually, he gets paid more bits than the mares as compensation to his herd, not to mention the cut of sales he gets from merchandise of him."

Caramel frowns.

"It's disgusting that a stallion has to have a herd to be paid a fair wage. My worth is not measured by how many mares I cook for!"

I sigh and try to ignore the argument. The Wonderbolts form a V and start spiraling around the center mare. Neat.

"...Wage gap is a myth! Stallions just choose..."

I think to myself "Do a barrel roll" and smile .

"...Do you know how much makeup costs? Depending on the restaurant, a stallion would be losing money even if the mare pays for everything!"

Finally, I turn and glare at the two of them.

"Be quiet! Argue on your own time, I want to watch the show!"

The mare and Caramel stare at me with wide eyes, then look away. Caramel slumps in his seat.


I sigh and pat him on the withers. I turn back to the scrying pools and watch the ponies fly. The 'bolts cruise along in a vertical column, and slowly grow closer together. One by one, the pegasi rest their hooves on the back of the pony beneath them. When all twelve are stacked on top of each other, the crowd goes wild. I clap, impressed. Especially when they start weaving around cloud pillars without breaking formation. Caramel nudges me.

"Want some cherries?"

I look down at the tupperware on his hoof and grab a few.

"Don't mind if I do, thanks!"

I enjoy myself for the rest of the show, clapping and cheering with the crowd. The show ends with the 'bolts buzzing the audience, a bare few meters above the crowd. After the cheers die down, the crowd start to disperse. I stand and stretch.

"Woo, that was pretty cool, I have to say. Thanks for bringing me out here, Caramel."

He gets to his hooves and smiles.

"Glad you liked it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go powder my nose."

I nod to him.

"Don't die in there. I've lost too many friends to the septic oubliette."

Caramel chuckles.

"No promises. Avenge me if I don't return."

I nod gravely.

"On my honor as a murder ape."

My friend rolls his eyes and trots off for parts unknown. As the stadium empties, I chill by the wagon and nibble on some of the cherries. A shadow falls across me.

"A stallionist, huh?"

Oh Celestia no. I look up and see Spitfire (32 watermelon seeds per second) of all mares. She's smirking at me, her flight suit partially unzipped to release her tuft.


She swaggers up to me.

"See, I have a theory about stallionists."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Oh? What is that?"

She flaps her wings once, her musk filling the air. She smells like dryer sheets and oranges, and a peculiar, almost spicy fragrance that I can't place.

"Deep down, every colt screaming about mare privilege, wage gaps, and so on..."

Spitfire rears up and puts her hooves on my shoulders, her face a few inches from my own.

"All they really want is a nice, strong mare to rein them in. What do you think?"

I lick my lips, keeping a straight face with some effort. I want to bury my face in that tuft. Maybe give her some smooches.

"And you think that's you?"

Spitfire leans forward, taking a deep whiff of my scent.

"Lemme show you something, colt."

She gets back to her hooves and scoops a cherry out of the tupperware with a pinion. She sets it on the ground and sits on it. I raise an eyebrow, but the mare just smirks. After a moment, she stands up and gestures towards where she was sitting. Nothing remains of the cherry but a carefully knotted stem. I am impressed and a little more turned on, despite myself.

"Clever, but I don't see-"

"There's more, colt. See that bottle on the hoofrest about one thousfur hooves behind me?"

I grimace. I’m still getting used to horse units and counting in base four, but I do see the bottle about 10 meters away.

"Yeah, what about it?"

Spitfire flexes her hips sharply, and something blurs out from under her tail and nails the bottle. I can't help it.

"Hot damn! Nice shot!"

She gives me a smug grin.

"To answer your question, yes. I am mare enough to rein you in and give you the ride of your life."

I find myself sweating, even in the cool evening breeze.

"I, uh, have a friend I'm waiting for, and-"

Spitfire climbs up on the seat and rears up, her tuft right in my face, the intoxicating mare scent inescapable. She mutters under her breath, "Tall bastard, aren't you?" The Wonderbolt clears her throat.

"Send them a message on your slate, I'm sure they'll be fine."

I swallow.

"Right. Yeah."

I take out my slate and text Caramel,

{Got a hot date, gotta go}

Bless the lad, he answers immediately

{You go colt! Let me know how it went!}

Spitfire reads over my shoulder.

"What a good friend. Now follow me, we have a penthouse suite to ruin."

I am Caramel, waking up alone in my hotel room. It's a little lonely, not having anypony around. Makes me wish I had let Pinion come along too, she is a snuggler. I check my slate, no new messages from Anon. Knowing him, he's probably run the mare ragged and topped her like a true stallionist. I could sense that big topper energy the moment I met the guy. It's just a shame he never picks up any other stallionist practices, I’m sure he'd be a natural, and a good example to the colts in town. I pace back and forth and look at the clock.

20:101 AM

He should be up by now, right? I let a burst of whimsy propel me to my slate and I draw his sigil. The slate hums like a tuning fork for several long seconds.

"Ugh, uh, who is this?"

I smile, he sounds groggy, but fine.

"Hey big guy. Sounds like the oubliette got you, not me."


"Oh, hey Cars. Yeah, I definitely got sucked in, but I had a good time. You get to the hotel alright?"

I sprawl on a lounging chair and hold the slate to my ear.

"Yeah, no problems. Passed out about a third of my pamphlets and five copies of my self-help book, so I count it as a win."

"Aw, that's great. I know it was a rough start, but- what's that, Spits? Yeah, he was the one with the sign and everything."

Spits? Can't be...

"Eh, he says I'm a natural sex-positive stallionist, so maybe it still counts."

My blood runs cold.

"Your hot date was Spitfire? Bane of Stallion's rights?"

Silence. Faint, marely laughter.

"Well, I can't get an answer out of her now, but she is Spitfire, captain of the 'bolts and all."

I rub my face tiredly.

"When I said you'd be herding with powerful mares, I didn't think you'd actually do it. Well, whatever. I just wanted to make sure you are okay and ready to meet at the station at 23 AM."

Anon chuckles.

"Thanks buddy. See you there."

I hang up and roll onto my back. He swears he doesn't have any whimsy, but he's just as bad as any other colt I've known. I sigh and get to my hooves. Time to ransack the sweets of the hotel’s breakfast buffet, I have a feeling I’m going to need the pick-me-up.

I stare up.


Spitfire shrugs from her perch on Anon's shoulder.

"I like it here."

Anon nods

"Not only do I get to pretend to be a pirate, but I also get to bury my face in her tuft whenever I want."

I had worried that Spitfire would corrupt him like she had so many of my peers within the movement, but I hadn't considered the possibility that they would corrupt each other in new and embarrassing directions.

"Get her down, ponies are staring!"

Anon glances around and rolls his eyes. I growl.

"She'll hit her head when you walk into the train."

Anon tilts his head, then sighs.

"He's got a point. Let's get you down."

Spitfire spares me an irritated glance, then flits to the ground.

"Your friend is a real downer."

I scrunch. Anon boops her to assert dominance.

"None of that. He's a cool guy, who just happens to be concerned about, you know, optics."

Spitfire grimaces at the word. Anon sighs.

"You don't have to agree with him, just make an effort to get along, alright?"

I am surprised when she nods and says, "Sorry I called you a downer."

I shake my head.

"It's fine. It's not like either of us has a good impression of the other."

Spitfire smiles ruefully at that. I look between the two of them.

"I just can't believe the Bane of Stallion’s Rights apologized to me, and that the Long Night Stand is actually sticking with a mare."

Anon and Spitfire share a glance. I purse my lips.

"Was the sex that good?"

Instantly, they smile like a cat that drank all the cream and answer in unison.

"Oh yeah it was."

Celestia, there are two of them. I shake my head and turn to watch the train pull in. Maybe my really should have taken Pinion with me instead. Then I glance at Anon rubbing Spitfire's head affectionately. Well, it turned out alright anyways. And who knows, if Anon likes her, maybe Spitfire isn’t as bad as I thought.

Comments ( 38 )

That's right Anon, get right up in that tuft. :duck:

Good stuff as always.

I thought it was a reference to the Tau, and Warhammer 40k

This is correct

Since he is also friends with Caramel, I'd like to imagine this is a sequel for Cupcake Half Full. A happy ending for Anon.

The show is pretty weird about animal sapience. Wild animals understand speech and are capable of non-verbal communication. Angel bunny seems to be a fully intelligent being, while Winona is still dog-level smart. Tank understands the concept of "cool" and puts on sunglasses to better fit that sort of appeal. Just about the only animal to be definitively okay to eat is fishes, given that Fluttershy gave dead fish for animals to eat.

"Oh, it is! My back is feeling much better, now that I'm not rearing up and stretching candy for hours."

Jesus. Taffy pulling is a human arm killer without a machine. Imagine having to rear to do it(streching your full back, arms, and legs).

They might be built for it but ouuchh


I am unironically still mad that hasbro though fluttershy feeding a snake cookies as a replacement meal was fine.

"All they really want is a nice, strong mare to rein them in. What do you think?"

What the Fuck Spitfire

Reversed Gender Roles Equestria; society is matriarchal, and uses a comically over the top portrayal of 1950s-and-earlier notions of sexism as part of its shtick.

iji #12 · Jan 8th, 2021 · · 28 ·


Right, because the belief that women should have a greater degree of independence and power is called womanism. What a clever parody.

I'm being dramatic. I like rgre and know what it is, jackass :rainbowwild:

It seems to me that it must be okay to eat pigs, or why else would Applejack have them? What else can you do with a pig? Of course RGRE is an AU anyway, so maybe this is just another difference from the show's universe.

God this fanfic is scrumptiously good! Beginning to end felt so immersive and is just exceptionally enjoyable to read through! Dialogue and everything, just MMM! Amazing stuff all around! I hope ya didn't mind, but I simply just HAD to make a reading of this awesome fic of yours!

Audio Linky!: https://youtu.be/idBlwfQevYM

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)

I believe at one point, ages ago, the show staff said that the Apple family keeps pigs for truffle hunting, which they sometimes sell as luxuries.

It's all about that chest floof in the end. All a man needs.

Motorboat it, or GTFO!

It’s official, Caramel is best Bro.

This was pretty cute. Aside from the story itself, what stood out the most to me was the base 4 time values. 8:17am and 11am are now stuck in my head simply because I haven't seen other stories do this, but it fits so perfectly for a species without fingers or toes. I hope you include this bit of world building in future works.

So Spitfire is a guy in this?

"I knew you would have my back! The train leaves this Saturday at 21 AM. We'll only be staying the one night, so I doubt you'll need much more than a suitcase."


"Sure, but that's one stallion out of twelve wonderbolts, while one in four ponies is a stallion. They can do better, maybe if they lowered the standards for stallion applicants, or-"


"Be quiet! Argue on your own time, I want to watch the show!"


No it’s just reversed gender roles basically guys act like girls girls act like guys

Good story but could use a #sex tag. I’m trying to avoid that stuff and it caught me by surprise.

But... stallions have been shown to be bigger and stronger than mares in the show. O_o
I don't get it.

But... how does that work, please?

Why do you hate stoves, by the way?

Strong mare? Hah! The stallions are bigger and stronger, anyway. :-P
And they are quite present in the Wonderbolts.

An option would be that while stallions are larger, they have less magical power. So, when magic is a large component of performance, such as with pegasus wings being too small for unpowered flight, mares have the advantage.

Alternatively, there are fewer stallions than mares, and most are not going into professional athletics. Due to having a larger selection to pull from, mare athletes are generally better, and more likely to have a directly applicable cutie mark.

That makes sense.

Though, mare athletes being better than most stallions, despite the latters' being potentially bigger and stronger (in terms of pure physical power), would be because of stallions not training in the same fields.
The same way that female athletes are fitter than the common, untrained man.

Now that I think about it, there aren't too many mares in whatever law-enforcement agencies/armed forces Equestria has.
Ah well.

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