• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 56 minutes ago

Admiral Biscuit


Saint Admiral Biscuit, Patron Saint of Kirin

Comments ( 187 )

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Lavender Fritter

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Apple Leaves

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Peachy Sweet

Read more about harnesses!


This story was suggested by a friend, who probably shouldn’t be named (but I’ll put his name here if he wants me to). When I say ‘suggested,’ I mean, he didn’t stop me.

That chapter title... RIP Moth. :ajsleepy:

“What about Carrot Cake?”
“Thin and lanky, just like the rest of him.”

At the register, Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. it was a very specific kind of throat-clearing, the kind that came before a certain trio of mares got kicked out of Sugarcube Corner.

In any case, a lack of nudity taboos or TV-Y-friendly biological tricks is going to lead to certain conversational topics. It's always nice to see something set in Equestria that legitimately feels like xenofiction, and this definitely qualified. Nice work.

Wydril #3 · July 27th · · 1 ·

Guys literally only want one thing, and it's fucking disgusting!

But then...

I am surprised that they didn’t talk about Time Turner/Dr. Whooves. It makes me wonder why Big Mac was single so long in town?

I really hope none of the "worst" stallions were around for that part of the conversation. That would be a hard blow to anyone's ego save the most self secure. That said, excellent piece of fiction about the specifics of farm pony mares with harness and exposed stallions. I'm a huge sucker for this kind of world building stuff.

:rainbowlaugh:
I almost feel bad for Caramel.

"Foals, Husbands, Harnesses, and Penises", a foalio. :trollestia:

Or as I call it, Wednesday.

Dan
Dan #9 · July 27th · · 7 ·

The plural is penes. Not penises, or "penii" as is often claimed.

Having half heard a bunch of conversations with wives, this isn't entirely out of character.

You missed a golden opportunity to discuss Discord's penis :rainbowlaugh:

10353624

The plural is penes. Not penises, or "penii" as is often claimed.

Sure, in Latin, but in English it’s conventionally pluralized with English rules.

If we want to stick to other language rules for pluralization, pegasi are pegisides, and octopi are octopodes.

10353624
The plural is either penises or penes, but nopony says penes because "pee-nees" sounds like something a four year-old would say.

Hillbe #14 · July 27th · · 1 ·

:ajbemused: My brother? That horse apples getting old . . . Really
:pinkiesmile: Mmmmmmm cream Cheesy goodness
:rainbowlaugh: Caramel makes a nice filling
:yay: Discord makes me crazy
:duck: After a little gab I'll have my Spikey - Once you have dragon the rest are just braggin .
:twilightsmile: What's everypony talking about?
:applejackconfused::pinkiegasp::flutterrage::raritycry::rainbowderp: BOOKS!
:twilightoops:
:unsuresweetie: and Big Mac's big harness
:facehoof:
:moustache: Why's everyone looking at me like they've missed lunch?

Admiral Biscuit: "How can I get people to read about my extensive knowledge of horse harnesses? Wait, I know!"

I really enjoy this sort of xenofiction myself-- although I will say I found it a bit... off(?) that throughout the text they referred to penises as, well, penises. At times it felt like it was a bit too technical of a term for an obviously casual conversation.

This seems like a pretty typical conversation that would occur in a casual nudist society like Equestria. I'd love to see the stallion side of this someday.

The pony on the Mackinac Bridge

Me: That's totally Admiral Biscuit
Actual author: Penguifyer

Mares complaining about penises

Me: That's totally Flutterpriest or Anonpencil

Actual author: Admiral Biscuit

Me: *exasperated sigh*

10353570

That chapter title... RIP Moth. :ajsleepy:

:heart:

At the register, Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. it was a very specific kind of throat-clearing, the kind that came before a certain trio of mares got kicked out of Sugarcube Corner.

Who’s to say that she doesn’t like thin and lanky? Different mares have different tastes, you know.

In any case, a lack of nudity taboos or TV-Y-friendly biological tricks is going to lead to certain conversational topics. It's always nice to see something set in Equestria that legitimately feels like xenofiction, and this definitely qualified. Nice work.

:heart:

Nothing like every gossipy mare in town knowing what you’re packing.

10353575
I’ve worked as the only guy in a restaurant. The things I overheard. . . .

10353581

I am surprised that they didn’t talk about Time Turner/Dr. Whooves.

Clearly an oversight. Or else he’s more careful to keep himself tucked away, so nopony knows.

It makes me wonder why Big Mac was single so long in town?

I presume either shyness, obliviousness to a mare’s advances, or else he has his own preferences . . . possibly a combination of those things.

The mares will keep complaining until you've reached the top of the featured box.

10353592

I really hope none of the "worst" stallions were around for that part of the conversation. That would be a hard blow to anyone's ego save the most self secure.

While it certainly could be, there would likely be mares who were more attracted to what they were packing than our group of farmponies. And I also wonder if that’s just a body feature that wouldn’t have the same sort of psychological impact it does with humans . . . I mean, if I overheard a group of women saying that they wouldn’t ever date a guy with brown eyes, it wouldn’t hurt my ego. I assume that there are plenty of women out there who would, or who wouldn’t prioritize eyes over my cunning wit or glorious locks of hair.

That said, excellent piece of fiction about the specifics of farm pony mares with harness and exposed stallions. I'm a huge sucker for this kind of world building stuff.

Thank you! :heart: I’m honestly surprised that nobody’s done it yet (to my knowledge, anyway).

10353712
I worked a cabinet position with elected officials as the only guy in the room, and I know exactly what you mean.

10353593

I almost feel bad for Caramel.

I’m sure he’ll find a mare or stallion who is interested in his charming personality, his pompadour, or his mottled penis with its weird curve and pointy head.

10353610

"Foals, Husbands, Harnesses, and Penises", a foalio.

:rainbowwild:

10353621

Or as I call it, Wednesday.

You gotta talk about something relaxing after the scheduled Tuesday monster attack.

10353628

Having half heard a bunch of conversations with wives, this isn't entirely out of character.

I worked in a restaurant as the only guy back when I was in college, and can confirm.

On the plus side, I learned the answer to some things I’d honestly never thought to wonder about, so there’s that.

10353640

You missed a golden opportunity to discuss Discord's penis

10% chance it causes insanity in anymare who sees it. Those who do survive a look can’t exactly describe it, because there aren’t words in Ponish that are up to the task.

10353660
Sweetie would totally be the one to blurt out what everypony is talking about.

Somepony’s gotta say it, though.

In a different town, Big Mac is replaced with Troubleshoes.
In a different story, a human is wondering why the harnesses exist the way they do in a world without humans normally.

10353668

Admiral Biscuit: "How can I get people to read about my extensive knowledge of horse harnesses? Wait, I know!"

What’s that old saying, when your only tool is a lot of research in horse harnesses, use a penis? Pretty sure it’s something like that.

I really enjoy this sort of xenofiction myself-- although I will say I found it a bit... off(?) that throughout the text they referred to penises as, well, penises. At times it felt like it was a bit too technical of a term for an obviously casual conversation.

Honest question, though--we have taboos and unmentionables in English and presumably other languages, places where slang terms take the place of the proper term for whatever reason . . . would that necessarily be the case in Equestria? I mean, most likely in English if you were discussing somebody’s head, you’d just call it their head. Or a leg, or a hoof, or a tail, or whatever. You wouldn’t necessarily couch it in a different term, I don’t think.

But to be fair, I have no point of comparison, so I can’t say for sure.

10353669

This seems like a pretty typical conversation that would occur in a casual nudist society like Equestria.

From my own experience, it’s the kind of conversation that sometimes happens when a bunch of girls are together, even not in a casual nudist society.

I'd love to see the stallion side of this someday.

Hmm, that’s an idea I hadn’t thought of.

10353718

The mares will keep complaining until you've reached the top of the featured box.

I’d be shocked if that happens.

Then again, I’m surprised it’s in the feature box at all, so. . .

10353710

Me: That's totally Admiral Biscuit
Actual author: Penguifyer

To be fair, that’s totally the kind of story I’d write.

Me: That's totally Flutterpriest or Anonpencil
Actual author: Admiral Biscuit

To be fair, that’s totally the kind of story they’d write.

Me: *exasperated sigh*

I’m just like a cat, batting around your expectations. :rainbowlaugh:

10353741

In a different town, Big Mac is replaced with Troubleshoes.

Yeah, pretty much.

In a different story, a human is wondering why the harnesses exist the way they do in a world without humans normally.

Well, aside from the control parts (reins, bridle, blinders, bit, etc.), the actual functional parts of a harness are necessary in order for it to actually work for pulling a load, and they’re designed to do it in the most efficient and painless way possible. So you’ve got limited design options, but a fair bit of variety depending if you’re intending to pull something with shafts or not, with brakes or not, in a team or alone, etc.

10353757

Is this innuendo?

It can be if you want it to.

But it was specifically referring to the fandom meme that bad things happen in Ponyville on Tuesdays.

10353746
You do, though, call them balls, right? But that's not technically the term for what piece of anatomy-- it'd be the scrotum and testes.

A quick glance at wikipedia seems to suggest that the word 'penis' itself started off as latin slang for the organ; originally the word was for 'tail', but eventually started to be used to refer to the penis. I would imagine this is a bit like the word cock referring to a male chicken, and then a few centuries later you're cracking open a medical textbook about diseases of the cock.

10353785

You do, though, call them balls, right? But that's not technically the term for what piece of anatomy-- it'd be the scrotum and testes.

Yes, Lavender did call them balls. (and one of the ponies said either dick or cock once, I’m pretty sure.)

A quick glance at wikipedia seems to suggest that the word 'penis' itself started off as latin slang for the organ; originally the word was for 'tail', but eventually started to be used to refer to the penis.

That actually doesn’t surprise me, although I didn’t know that.

I would imagine this is a bit like the word cock referring to a male chicken, and then a few centuries later you're cracking open a medical textbook about diseases of the cock.

I could see that . . . that’s another question, when do you stubbornly try and maintain the older name for something, and when do you move on to the newer word? I mean, a lot of people probably are confused when a doctor asks for a stool sample, but if he says ‘poop in a bag and bring it in,’ that’s unambiguous for most people, I would think.

Good way to start a day (msk timezone), I think ... First thing to come to my mind when I read title: "Admiral just put 'Click Fiat' into a title" ..... comments so far are humorous AND nice, actual story + research probably good too (sure from time to time earthponies drag around few things. With _their_ attention to other's feelings they are likely to construct things really as described - in safe and as comfortable as possible ways. I can't say same about humans.... ). Thanks, as always!

10353793

I could see that . . . that’s another question, when do you stubbornly try and maintain the older name for something, and when do you move on to the newer word? I mean, a lot of people probably are confused when a doctor asks for a stool sample, but if he says ‘poop in a bag and bring it in,’ that’s unambiguous for most people, I would think.

Apparently 'rooster' is a word that exists because puritans didn't want to call male chickens cocks. Yes, really, for the reasons you imagine.

I really don't think you can stubbornly try and maintain a certain term for something; at the end of the day language is about communication, and if slang is understood, it'll be used. A surprising number of words have slang like origins. Take stool for example; Stool derives from close-stool, another word for a chamberpot. Despite their association with the medical world, it's likely many of these words originated from doctors just trying to use the common terminology of the day; culture and the terminology of the day changed, but the doctor's training, passed down from doctor to student, didn't.

Biscuit, before I read:
Listen, I enjoyed the hot dog mare. But this?
This is next level. I don't think I'm ready for this.

Edit: So many of these lines were worth reading for. But at the end of the day...
...it's all penis talk. God dammit. I don't know what I expected.

Makes me feel content, satisfyingly... If that makes sense.

At a nearby table, two stallions from Canterlot overheard the conversation and turned bright red.

One looked at his companion and whispered, "So everything we've heard about Ponyville mares is true!"

Short sweet and to the point. Wonderful as always.

This is some great RGRE content you made, great job!

10353652
Octopodes til I die, thank-you very much.

10353867
Yeah, language is weird. "Thee" and "thine" used to be the casual, familiar versions of "you" and "yours", but once they sat in the bible for several hundred years, the meaning changed. And let's not forget that "bible" itself just means "book".

I just recalled from reading this story and the comments section an article that somebody wrote that had all kinds of factoids about horses and stuff for writing semi-realistic clop stories, like mares having certain muscles that make size something that would be fully down to preference rather than "it won't fit".

Interesting as usual; thanks.
If not quite the sort of thing I'd usually expect from you. :D
But still, only not quite; nice worldbuilding. :)

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