On the Rocks
Rainbow Dash’s wings nervously fluffed and fluttered at her sides as she walked towards the distant sound of applebucking. The bright light of a clear, sunny day diffused through the tidy rows of apple trees, leaves rustling in the breeze. Normally—and especially on a day like this one—she would fly into Sweet Apple Acres, enjoying the sky for as long as possible. She just didn’t feel like it was worth it today, though.
She’d been feeling like that a lot lately.
It was too much effort and she just didn’t have the energy. Maybe tomorrow. And then ‘maybe tomorrow’s would pile up into only flying when she absolutely had to. And then she’d be stuck staring at the ceiling at three in the morning wondering why nothing was right.
She snorted and groaned, trying to will the thoughts away. Rainbow might not have known what was wrong with her, but she was sick of running in mental circles.
And, as much as she hated to admit it, she was scared. She was scared of the way things felt pointless; she was scared of the way she couldn’t sleep. But most of all she was scared that she just felt empty. Hollowed out.
Before her thoughts could go any further, she saw the mare she was looking for. Applejack was currently emptying buckets full of apples onto an already sizable pile in her cart. She stacked up the buckets in one corner of the cart before hitching herself to it.
Rainbow took a step towards her, but paused as she looked a little closer. Applejack had bags under her eyes and her coat was lathered with sweat. She was breathing heavily and it looked like she might fall asleep at any moment. Rainbow took a step back; maybe now wasn’t a good time to bother her about something she wasn’t sure how to actually explain. As she retreated further into the trees, a twig snapped under her hoof and Applejack’s head shot up towards her.
“Rainbow? What’s up, sugarcube?”
“Hey AJ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something. But you look really busy, so I’ll just leave you to it.” She rubbed her foreleg and chuckled awkwardly, hoping her friend would leave well enough alone.
“Just ‘cause I’m busy doesn’t mean I can’t spare a minute for a friend,” Applejack said, offering a small smile. “Could we walk and talk, though? Work waits for no one and all.”
“Yeah, of course. Thanks AJ,” Rainbow said, plastering a smile on her face as her brain screamed at her and her insides turned to acid and lead. So much for leaving well enough alone. She followed as Applejack walked to the next tree. “I’ve just been down lately, and I’m not sure what I should do about it.”
Applejack furrowed her brow. “Well, I’ve seen you down before Rainbow, but you always seemed better a few days later. Have you tried doing... Well, whatever it is you usually do when you’re feeling down?”
Rainbow sat down and circled her hoof in the air, as if willing her thoughts into motion. “Sure, I’ve tried doing that stuff,” Rainbow said, watching Applejack set up her baskets under a couple of unbucked trees. “I’ve tried practicing some tricks. I’ve tried every flying exercise I know. Hay, I’ve even tried just waiting this out, but nothing seems to be working.”
Hooves struck the first tree and apples thudded down. Applejack whistled. “Sounds pretty serious, then. You talk to Fluttershy or Twilight about this yet?” she asked as she walked to the second tree.
“No.”
Applejack paused, tilting her head. “Really? Would’ve figured you’d go to those two first, seeing as they’d probably know more about this kinda thing than I do.” She kicked, and apples rained down again.
“Well, maybe they do, but… You’re my best friend, AJ, and you’ve always been there for me.” The element of loyalty watched as Applejack emptied all of the buckets into her cart and sighed. Closing her eyes, she softly said, “I don’t even know what’s got me so down, and I’m just… lost.”
Silence stretched uncomfortably between the two, only interrupted by leaves rustling in the breeze. Rainbow squirmed, unsure whether that last sentence carried over the wind. Part of her hoped it had because she didn’t think she could say it again; part of her hoped it hadn’t, whispering doubts into the back of her mind. She hunched over, suddenly feeling small and powerless.
“So, you don’t know what’s got you down,” Applejack said slowly, breaking the silence, “And you decided the best course of action was to come here and not to, say, write down your thoughts or something?”
Rainbow’s eyes opened, and she wished they hadn’t. Applejack’s eyebrow was raised and the corners of her mouth were stretched back, unamused. Rainbow’s ears fell, as if pinned by an oppressive weight.
“Well, sure… Like I said, you’ve always been there for me.”
Applejack’s brow furrowed as she hitched herself to her cart. “Sorry, sugarcube, not trying to be rude or nothing, just… busy,” she said, tone gentler.
Rainbow Dash scrambled to her hooves, smiling despite her heart racing and her chest tightening. “Yeah, no worries!” She really hoped her voice hadn’t actually just cracked.
They walked to the next set of trees in silence. Rainbow sat on the soft grass again. She watched as Applejack put buckets beneath the new set of trees. Birds flew past, singing as they wove through the air, free and easy. Rainbow ground her hoof against the dirt.
Wiping some sweat from her brow, Applejack said, “So, could you try and explain what’s been wrong? And, I mean, not trying to be mean or nothing here, but I’ve got a lot more work to do today.” She awkwardly rubbed the back of her head. “So could we make it quick?”
Rainbow gulped; her throat felt like a vice now. She opened her mouth a few times, only to shut it. With every false start, Applejack looked a little more annoyed.
Finally, she forced out, “Well, it’s kind of like… little things get to me when they didn’t before. And I don’t have any energy, or… Um…” She stumbled over her words, trying to organize and express thoughts and feelings that were barely ordered before Applejack hurried her.
“Just spit it out already, girl!” Applejack shouted.
“I’m trying!” Rainbow shouted right back. She licked her suddenly dry lips. “It’s just… I can’t…”
Applejack stomped and glared at her. “Darn it Rainbow, why did you come out here if you can’t even talk about it?” Her tone was icy, and it cut Rainbow to the quick.
“W-what?” she managed to stutter out, scrambling backwards to her hooves as if she had been slapped. Rainbow’s mouth was agape and her eyes were wide. She had trusted her, and now… Tears welled up in Rainbow’s eyes and no matter how hard she tried to blink them away, they continued to blur her vision.
Applejack’s own jaw fell open as her words caught up to her. Her eyes softened and she frowned. “Sugarcube… You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Applejack said, tone remorseful. Applejack took a step forward, but stopped when Rainbow recoiled in response.
Rainbow Dash saw it all just as surely as she saw the sky was blue; she felt it just as surely as the grass beneath her hooves. The retraction was meaningless. Just an olive branch being offered to her after getting struck with it. It didn’t matter.
She collected herself and offered a shaky smile. “Y-yeah, of course not. It’s cool, AJ.” She turned away and flapped her wings. “I’ll see you later.”
Under her breath, she added, “Sorry for wasting your time.”
If Applejack said anything else, she didn’t hear it.
She flew home faster than she’d flown in weeks, gritting her teeth because she knew it still wasn’t fast enough. Vision blurry and guided primarily by instinct, she flew through her open window and crashed into her bed. The impact stole her breath, and for a second all she could do was gasp and whimper.
Smashing her face against a pillow, Rainbow screamed and wailed until her throat was raw. All of the frustration and anger of the day slowly drained away. When she could scream no more, she sobbed, but no matter how long and how hard she cried, the feelings of hurt and betrayal stayed.
Finally, wheezing and rasping, eyes red and puffy, she lost any meager energy she had left and flopped onto her back. Rainbow Dash stared at her unchanging ceiling until her eyes grew heavy and she fell into dreamless sleep.
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This was a great description of what it feels like to at the same time, feel weighed down by depression, and how caustic it feels to have to fake it, and what's more, having to say something that's difficult to produce both feelings. And you balanced both of these very well!
This was beautifully done.
So with this reading completed, I come bearing both praise and critique. First, the bitter stuff, so you can chase it with the sweet. This didn't really feel like it had any development, and it just sort of tapered off. However, the sweet understands the bitter.
This wasn't, to me, a story of Rainbow expressing her problems to her best friend and getting to the root of her problems and solving this. This was the agonizing reality of fumbling in the dark that depression causes. And what's worse about this wandering is that it's labored, aimless, and often unintentionally self-destructive. It was a glimpse into the reality that sometimes your friends are too busy with their own problems to tend to yours. This isn't to say that they can't help you, or aren't willing to, but often, and especially now, people are incredibly busy and likely juggling their own problems. Adding onto this magnificence, Dash isn't in a good mental place either and interprets this harsh truth that her friend is busy as an attack on her. This is a place I've been myself, and that's a corner depression will guide you into.
What you do well, Wish, is emotions and the indirect. Even though this was written directly, there was a lot to read into, that I hope I accurately witnessed. And even though it was short, this was, as usual, a stand-out piece by you. Short isn't the right word to describe it, in this case, for how much there is here. Potent is. And potent is the raw, ugly, and unfortunately, relatable emotions found within Rainbow Dash. Wonderful, wonderful work!
As usual your prose and emotional appeal is legendary. What you don't directly say still hits as hard as what you *do* directly say, and the impact is all too really. Everything Rainbow is saying really hit home for me, and yet Applejack didn't come off as antagonistic to me at all: I think she does want to help but doesn't know how.
Brilliantly done.
Wow, that was rough. You did a great job showing Rainbow's mental state, and Applejack's impatience with her hit really hard. Hopefully Rainbow gets the help she needs after this.
On a side note, Applejack noting Rainbow's funks go away after a few days reminds me of a detail about Rainbow from the original series bible. One aspect left out of the show is that she'd sometimes disappear for a few days then return with no explanation of what she was doing. I doubt the intention was that she was staying at home in a depressive episode, but I think that would be an interesting way to interpret that.
This bit in particular really hit me hard, that endless cycle of numbness and fear, sometimes bleeding into each other and other times standing apart.
The portrayal of both Applejack and Rainbow Dash in this is refreshing to say the least. Applejack is a busy mare who doesn’t have time for beating around the bush and overall isn’t the best with emotional talk. Rainbow, while not always as busy, is also fairly straight forward when it comes to talking. Overall, they aren’t two characters one would readily expect to see in this situation. Yet, once read, it makes perfect sense.
One thing I want to commend you on is not ending it on a high note. There’s no happy ever after, no magical explosion and one minute turnaround after a lesson is learned. Rainbow Dash is hurt, rightfully so, and we don’t see the inevitable ‘kiss and make up’ that comes after. We are left with a mare who is lost, confused, and now betrayed. As the reader, I was left just as lost as she is, and despite knowing that Applejack was trying her best, I too felt the sting of ‘rejection’, of a friend, a best friend, unable to help. And that, I feel, was the perfect ending to this.
I don’t know how but you cracked open your brain and let the thoughts and feeling spill onto the page and they came across perfectly. Everything that I’ve felt while depressed is here displayed perfectly for the viewing of everyone. Reading this feels like my skull was cut open and everything in my brain spilled out into perfect worded forms.
Oof. I get this feeling. Especially that moment when Rainbow realizes it's a bad time, tries to backpedal, and can't. Kinda stuck in a really rough position where she can't leave but she also knows staying won't help... I've been there. It's awful. But you do a great job of exploring all the nuances behind these feelings! Your writing is amazing, you always make me empathize with the characters!
Lovely stuff wish
As always you're excellent at getting into a characters head and making the reader empathise with them
And, as I pointed out in the editing, theres plenty of well executed and very heartbreaking lines in here too, such as the olive branch line
Excellent work!
Excellent fic, it describes how these situations tend to play out all too well. The characters are used perfectly even if the entire situation isn't really show material. Applejack is definitely the perfect character for the role she's in. She's always show as being so dependable and well functioning to a fault, it's perfectly believable how she just can't begin to imagine what a shit show Rainbow's going through. Several of the lines hit way too close home.
ive said this about your writing before but your use of language as this beautiful vehicle for a specific feeling is incredible. every character and indeed almost every line is tailored to pry the readers hands open and force a feeling into their palms. it hurts! it hurts to hold something as painful as someone you trust not giving you the love and affection that you feel, that you KNOW you deserve. and you communicate that perfectly here. knowing what you have in the pipeline makes me beyond overjoyed. thank you for writing this
This story reminds me a lot of Untwisting the Knot, except where that fanfic deals with social anxiety, this one deals with clinical depression. Both feature Rainbow Dash as main character, and both have her talking to Applejack.
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She wanted to fly in mental circles.
And Han Solo kept trying to stuff people inside of her. It was getting old, fast.
“Applejack, we talked about liberating you from the shackles of capitalism, didn’t we?”
Well, your insides just turned to acid and lead, so, I’m sure that isn’t helping matters anyway.
Incidentally, maybe you should swing by the ponyville alchemist, and see if you can’t transmute your leaden liver into gold.
“Well, you tried beatin’ off?”
“Oh fuck, no I haven’t, thanks.”
*roll credits*
Way to assume Rainbow Dash is literate.
I really enjoyed how you contexualize Rainbow’s depression. But I feel like Applejack’s end of this is a little weaker. It’s perfectly in character for her to not grasp Rainbow’s emotional state properly, and the fact that Rainbow misreads their friendship so badly, and goes looking to her for solace that she’s not equipped to provide, is... well, it’s great.
But I feel like you overplay things by having AJ snap so badly at Dashie. I can see that working for some characters, but not Applejack.
Anyway, 11/10, it’s okay.
why's it about rainbow dash? i like pinkie pie more, you should do a pinkie pie story
That one hit hard - good job conveying those emotions!! *clap clap clap
artwork is beautiful too.
Friends aren’t perfect and can mess it up sometimes, but it still left me feelin’ a little sad for Dashie
YOU BETTER GO HUG HER RIGHT NOW APPLEJACK
Now this.
I liked this.
Very few stories tailor depression to how it would impact the specific character. This is one of the stories that breaks the mold.
Oh man, this fic hits close to home. Depression consumes me in a way where I don't feel anything. No happiness or sadness, just hollow. I feel like talking to someone about it, why I'm tired and unmotivated all the time, but the words never come out and they don't understand why I'm talking.
Love this