- Member Since 13th May, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 1st, 2013
PlacidPinkie
Wherefore art thou, morals?
PlacidPinkie
Joined 13th May, 2012 ·
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So, this is my first foray into clopfiction. As anybody who reads this will notice, I am absolutely horrible at writing cloppy sections (Romance? I can do that. Sex? I'm a 20 year old male virgin. Lesbian sex ain't gonna come across as natural).
Hopefully my ability to write clop will increase with each new chapter (practice makes perfect, right?) and I can help this fic reach its fullest potential. This fic will probably wind up being between 8 and 10 chapters. Running themes: Sexual tension, sexual desires/fantasies, Twilight being adorkable, apples, constant usage of the term "slit," references to indie rock music, and a thinly-veiled leg fetish.
So, yeah... enjoy... I guess... maybe
don't hate me.
Also, constructive criticism is encouraged. I'm new to clopfics (a clopfic virgin, if you will), so any advice I can get to make this better will be much appreciated.
I've never seen a TwiJack story before. Not bad
Oh, I do love TwiJack.
I don't think I've ever read a hypothetical clop scene. Interesting. Also, AJ has the hottest legs. You know, for a pony.
One more thing- I'm shameless and also a woman, so if you have any questions or things you want a woman to look over, feel free to PM me.
Glad to see another TwiJack fic. I don't see enough of them. And seeing Twilight as the aggressive one, if you will, is always a nice touch.
Tracked and upvoted.
1155592 First foray into clopfiction, eh? I suggest you change your name from 'PlacidPinky' to 'FlacidPinkie'. Just sayin'
1157067
I actually considered it, but thought it was a tad bit too predictable.
1157116
Who's awesome? You're awesome.
1157124
1.bp.blogspot.com/-wJFZqEigYp0/TyYDr-g8yCI/AAAAAAAAAl0/seFerDoPjn8/s1600/Applejack%2Bblushing.gif
Aw, shucks...
1157133 One cannot simply look her in the face after reading this story
Really nice start! Looking forward to more. I do so enjoy longer smutty stories.
really good! really, enjoyed it a lot, have some mustaches is sign of my amusement reading ya story
Well as a male lesbian, I can tell you it was pretty well done. I liked Twilight's uncertainty, and the way she wants things to go. It'll be interesting to see how you handle AJ, because after Twilight, she is best pony.
1157133
=You
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1529_Twilight_Sparkle_birthday_leap.gif
well done! now I want MOAR!
seriously, please write another chapter. This story rocks.
um, god this is awkwerd to wright.
I've read alot of clopfics, most of them being really romantic in nature, (i don't read them just for the clop, but the emotion behind it.) If your unsure about how to improve a clop scean i could help. As you've already requested critics i'll reveiw each chapter as i read them, (i'll get around to chapter 1 soon but i just found out i need to do something.) but if you want extra pointers just ask.
1155592 Keep at it chap, you're doing a fine job!!!!!!!!!!
There exists no shipping I love more then TwiJack.
And you kind soul have made a great start into this clopfic business. Well done.
I'm fine with clop as long as it's mixed with sweet romance, and I LOVE AppleSparkle so seeing a fic for these two is always welcomed. So far I like it, keep at the good work.
My only question is when Twilight tells AJ she's 'more smart' I think it's supposed to 'smarter' but I could be wrong.
I don't know why some bronies say that people who write and read clop fics aren't true bronies
. When i see stories like this the clop is just the icing on the cake 
I think yer pretty good at this kinda writing. I liked it anyway.
1155592
Alrighty, I think I can help. I've been doing this for a few years and I'd like nothing more than to help out someone who seems genuinely interested in improving their work
In terms of characterization and dialogue, you got it down pat. So, as long as you avoid certain cliches (you're old enough to know them by heart at this point
), then you shouldn't have any problems with writing character interaction in a romantic setting.
When it comes to describing sex (particularly lesbian sex, since that's what you're aiming for, here), you want to focus more on the psychological aspect rather than the visual. It's important to paint a picture for the audience, but the characters' thoughts and sensations are vivid and have to be more pronounced when it comes to writing things like this. Basically, it isn't about seeing, it's about feeling, as silly as that sounds
In any case, as it is now, it's VERY well-written and definitely earns a seal of approval in my book. I hope I helped, and I'm looking forward to reading more of this! Have a like and a favorite so I can track for updates!
I was wondering when you'd get around to using this account so when I followed it, there would be a story up to justify it
Will read when it's not 4:30AM RR
1160839
Yes, that was indeed very helpful. Thanks so much
1160931
Not a problem. I wish you much luck and I thank YOU for writing this!
1155592 Pretty good considering your age, virginity, and lack of knowledge in clop! 3/5 Mustaches!
1157124...2.bp.blogspot.com/-C-H-Stej4lc/TvrWLwvLnII/AAAAAAAAAPE/Ixfibv8icas/s1600/whos_awesome.jpg
i think u mean this
1164191
Precisely! Thank you!
TwiJack... clop fic?
ALL OF MY YESSSS!
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First clop I've found of these two, and by god am I glad you added it to my group. Very very good job.
Absolutely adore these two beyond fathomable words.
After read edit:
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Though I'm a little confused, did her fantasy by the tree actually happen, or did she simply fall asleep and then AJ carried her to her room?
1164260
Actually, somebody else added it to your group (though, once I found out there was a TwiJack group, I pounced. I love me some TwiJack).
Also, to answer your question. Twilight fell asleep and AJ carried her back to the house. Nothing sexual has happened... yet
1164317
Oh, I thought it was you, because I noticed you joined.
Silly me.
And thank you for clearing that up, I was severely confused.
I am a huge fan of TwiJack (or Sparkling Cider as I like to call it) and this was extremely well written. I give you my thumb and favorite, good sir, and I await moar.
I'm definitely interested! This fic seems to share some ideas with my Ribbons & Lace, in terms of the lead fantasizing without the courage to go through with it. I'm not a particular fan of AppleSpark, but I absolutely love seeing AJ let her hair down... both metaphorically and literally.
That said, it's kind of unclear in this chapter whether they've actually done anything together. Twi refers to them as lovers, but the context definitely implies that they haven't actually gone beyond making out. (Though, Twi, when a girl invites you to sleep in her bed, she's giving you very definite signals.)
Exo's great advice aside, I think my biggest hangup in the clop section is your word choice. It's not that it's bad, but there's some terminology I personally prefer to avoid. Scientific-sounding terms like "sexual" or "erotic" tend to make the writing sound more like a psychology textbook than a piece of fiction. I realize that's somewhat valid for Twi, but it's still something to watch out for. You didn't do it too much, so this is more a caution than a criticism, but there were a few spots where I though the word choice killed the mood a bit.
As you noted in your comment, you use the term 'slit' a lot. It's better than a lot of options (like 'vagina', or worse yet, 'pussy'), but you should try to change it up with alternate words or, even better, metaphors. In a broader sense, it's often more fun to beat around the bush (heh) than state their actions outright -- you might use "the heat between her thighs", for example. You can also just imply what's going on -- if Twilight suddenly starts describing what AJ's rump feels like under her hoof, we can infer what her hoof is doing. Or you can dodge the action entirely and wander away to describe the sensation of AJ's coat on Twi's nose. To parallel what Exo said, the sensations and emotions are far more important than precisely who's putting what where.
There was one bit that really made me wince: "Did she immediately go for the nub or play around, lightly brushing it on occasion, until the very right moment? When a single fllicker of the tongue would burst the dam."
"Very right" is a strange phrase. I think you meant "just the right moment". You misspelled "flicker", and it should all be one sentence: "...until just the right moment, when a single flicker of the tongue would burst the dam?"
1164514
Thanks so much for the advice.
Yeah, I'd much rather describe the sex scenes in a more... I guess a good word is "poetic" way (metaphors, implications rather than descriptions, etc). It's just that, me being an inexperienced clop writer, I was a little unsure of how to go through with the clop sections (I've read plenty of clop fics, but reading and putting your own stuff down on paper are very different monsters). However, I did focus a little too much on description here, and I'll definitely try my hand at "beating around the bush." I agree wholeheartedly that the emotions and sensation are far more important than who's putting what where.
As for that last section... ugh!
How could I let such errors slip by me?
Once again, thanks for the pointers
1156682
I have a few things for you to look over.
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist the setup.
1164788
I totally walked into that one.
1164805
Eeeyup. I'm not a perv (probably the only 19 yr old virgin male not looking for sex on the planet), but that was internet comedy gold.
This is the first one you've written? Really? Could've fooled me!
You did a great job with varied descriptions, pacing, and balancing explicit description with playful circumlocution.
Honestly, the only part of this that didn't absolutely sing was before the clop, where the question of how they got together was lampshaded. I'm dying to know. ^^
I'll be watching you!
Nice.
>Incomplete
Niiiice.
I like it. don't know if it's because if I've never seen a twijack before, or what, but you have caught my interest; and as for you not knowing how to write clop, don't worry about that. it'll just happen if you get into writing the romance part of it all.
Artfully written.
A clopfic that's well written and isn't just constantly sex? Well, i'm hooked!
Great first chapter here Placid! I look forward to the next.
First try at this and you did a respectable job, I say you got a bit of a natural talent for it though as the other experts said *or at least I think of them as Experts on this* just need to tweak a few things and you will be hitting it out of the park. But still very good job *claps*
first I was like:
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then I was like:
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Dude...beautiful
my thoughts
nerdfighters.ning.com/m/photo/large?id=1833893%3APhoto%3A3242964
1773574 your comment alone made me read this!
2366030
nice
I must admit, I find the potential biological implications of this research to be... fascinating...
Lovely!