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Three Tails


Aspiring novelist testing his characters in the MLP verse.

Sequels1

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Shiva wasn't a freedom fighter or a revolutionary. She was just a normal wolf-dog, happily living her life as a beloved pet. Then, forces beyond her threw her into a strange new world with a strange new body.

With cruel talking ponies out to get her.

Alone, confused, and with a magic she doesn't understand as her only defense, Shiva must wage a one-wolf battle to escape a land apparently out to enslave her, all while the forces that protect this new nation do all they can to catch her.

How far will these ponies push the wolf? And how far is she willing to go to maintain her freedom in a world that seems desperate to make her a beaten and broken slave?

Inspired by Misunderstandings by The Rogue Wolf and Drawn with the Night by Dan_S Comments.

Both a character experiment involving my OC Shiva, and a plot experiment that borrows the plot beats from "The White Wolf," my (likely horrible) attempt at an upcoming original novel. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Shout out to Ang Auronheart for the cover art.

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 71 )

The fact that your MC is a OC of a new spiecies says enough already.

Twilight trying, and failing, to be abusive as a show for the guards. Nice character buildup.

10066861
Positively or negatively?

“Do you know who I am?” the unicorn finally asked.

The wolf shifted. “Twilight?” she asked.

How did the wolf knew?

Read the story, Gotta say it has potential, just not alot but still has potential

10073524
Twilight shows up near the end of Shiva's flashback story. Around Chapter 4.

Sorry to keep you waiting, but it will be explained how Shiva knows Twilight then.

This story has great potential but I am bit......iffy with how Luna is being portrayed here to be honest, I dont think she would refuse to see the truth in someones memories like that

10077770
Yeah, didn’t she wield Honesty against Discord?

Hello, and thank you both for your feedback and comments.

10077770
10078095
Yeah, that's what I was worried about. :fluttershyouch::ajsleepy:

The way I saw it, Luna wouldn't want to believe that her ponies were capable of such cruelty. Since the ponies are used to being the good guys, it'd be rather jarring to know that there were those out there capable of acts like this. Why will be explained later, but for now, Luna and Twilight have to deal with the fact that Shiva may not be as evil as they originally believed.

Do you think the story would work better if I toned down Luna's meltdown to stunned silence, or at the very least cut out her protests in the middle of Shiva's memories?

Please let me know; I want this story to live up to the potential you guys are seeing.

Thank you again for your feedback, and have a wonderful day.

10078249
With that light, it works well. I don’t think you should change anything, after seeing it from your point of view.

10078249
I think Luna being stunned silent would be much more beliavble to her charecter as her whole in my point of view, I understand she would not want to beleive her ponies could be like that but her reaction to me even then just seems a bit to farfetched

10078257
10078328

Thank you both again for your feedback and suggestions. I deeply appreciate you guys taking the time to let me know how I could make the story better. :twilightsmile:

I edited the story, cutting out Luna's temper tantrum and making her reaction hopefully more in-line with her canon characterization.

Thank you again for your feedback, and I hope the improved story works a little better.

Thanks again.

I read the story while listening to hardbass. Have to say it was very entertaining.

Also can't wait of how Shiva will act the next chapter

with a backstory like that its unlikly she will ever fully place her trust in luna, twilight and their afilliates

Time to bring in Celestia. She will show Luna that even Their little ponies can be the monsters we fear at night.

Pinkie Pie your element is about being able to cheer people up and help their morale, to do this also requires you be able to read other peoples moods. Wolf-woman wants left alone, Pinkie should respect demand for space and go slow with contact.
Also no just jumping into existence, IT SCARES PEOPLE.

Definitely curious to see more of this! :pinkiehappy:

Shiva shouldn’t be ashamed that she killed Beast Breaker. I mean, that sick bastard deserved that death.

10096729
Next chapter will be out by next friday.

Looking forward to sharing it, and really appreciate your feedback. :pinkiesmile:

well of course she never talked to celestia. All her torturers including luna used celestia as a justification.

It won't be easy for Shiva. She's currently the subject of a manhunt. How long is this river anyway!?

10107899
I was meaning for the river to be long enough for her to use it to return back to the forest she woke up in. Granted, she gets out of the river and has to walk on foot (or paw?) for a while, but the river gets her a good deal of the way there.

Out of curiosity, is there a way for her to believably use the river to get back to where she thinks she left Master without running into too much trouble with the ponies? I'm still working on the next chapter, and would really appreciate the advice. :scootangel:

Thank you again for reading. :twilightsmile:

10108462 There’s a good chance that the place she landed might not necessarily be the same place. The river flows away from Canterlot, but Shiva still runs the risk of being ferreted out by the local pegasi or Cloudsdale. Based on the official map, there is a considerable distance between Canterlot and the Crystal Mountains. As I understand it, her choices are to go everywhere else but Canterlot and Ponyville.

10108515
Agreed. While I do have her spend a brief amount of time in the Ever-Free (since that's where she appeared in Equestria and where she thinks her Master is) she for the most part avoids Ponyville and Canterlot.

Thank you again for the feedback. Hope your day's going great. :twilightsmile:

I just managed to catch up, and I'll say that I'm liking this story. It's nice to see a different take of the all "displaced"-thing, and I'm guessing that this will turn in Spartacus-like insurrection of diamond dogs, with Shiva at the helm. Hopefully.
You also made Zecora speak in rhyme, something I'll never be able to do, so that's a plus.

she's meant to show Shiva that not all ponies are like Beast Breaker and his thugs, and keep her from becoming a complete monster

I'm not sure that even Zecora has a potion for that. Shiva has already crossed quite some lines and there might not be a turning back in sight. After all, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Kudos to you for writing Zecora. This doesn’t seem like a Displaced fic, though.

10118340
Glad you're enjoying, and especially glad I managed to get Zecora's rhyming dialogue right.

10118468
Thanks for your feedback. Though... what do you mean it doesn't seem like a Displaced fic? In a good way? Or a bad way?

10118709 Story-wise, it doesn’t seem like a Displaced. I say it’s a good thing because most Displaced fics I’ve read have good storytelling, but their main characters are (usually) OP and three out of four chances there’s going to be a xenophobic Celestia who’s just going to stone the Displacee before they can explain themselves.

Yours, on the other hand, isn’t as blatant.

10118968
Ah, very interesting. Thank you again for your description.

I'll probably have to adjust Shiva's power level to make sure she's not too OP, though I'm hoping her emotions and personality will help in that regard. She has power, but she's not some stone-cold pony flank kicking warrior. She's a scared girl who has seen what ponies can do when angered and is far from eager to repeat that.

I can also safely say that stoning the slippery wolf is the last thing on Celestia's mind in this story. She's going to be cautious, but not xenophobic.

Thanks again for the specifics. Looking forward to next week when I can share the next chapter.

Until then.
:twilightsmile:

10119314 I didn’t expect my advice to be good, but have a nice night.

Wow, I wonder how it’s going to go. Here are some of my thoughts: Is Luke talking about how they live underground? In this AU are the diamond dogs forced to work underground by the ponies? Is there already an alpha that Shiva has to contend with?
I’m interested in seeing the next part!

10129222
Hello Sparkleforever, and thank you very much for commenting on my story. :pinkiehappy:

To answer some of your questions:

Is Luke talking about how they live underground?
Luke is actually referring to the fact that Diamond Dogs keep work horses, who are (in this AU, anyway) enslaved ponies. If Shiva reacted badly to him merely suggesting they take Twilight, imagine the sparks that are going to fly when she finds the work horses they already have.

In this AU, are the Diamond Dogs forced to work underground by the Ponies?
Yes. I tried to do some reasearch into the Diamond Dogs, but the wiki for My Little Pony didn't give much beyond their episode Dog and Pony Show, and a brief cameo from them in the Equestria Girls series. So, I assumed that they predominantly lived underground, mining for jewels and gems and enslaving any ponies that wander into their territory.

Is there already an Alpha that Shiva has to contend with?
Yes. Hopefully, her fight with him will be a show of how far she's come, and what she's willing to do to avoid getting caged or controlled again.

I'm hard at work on the next part, and can't wait to share it.

Until then, thank you again for reading, and have a great day. :twilightsmile:

yay shiva becomes an alpha! now that she freed those ponies if the princesses try to do anyting to her their reputation will plumit

Celestia will obviously do anything for the safety of her ponies.

Shiva has an idea on how to do a post slavery Diamond Dog Civilization. Good Luck.

Shiva is what the Diamonds need to get out of the Stone Age.

I can’t wait for the next chapter.

10150426
That they do.
10150431
Can't wait to share them.

Out of curiosity, would the conclusion of this chapter serve as a good 'End of Part 1?' There are at least twelve chapters left, and I'm wondering if I should split the next chapters into a sequel story.

Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Blueblood huffed in triumph.

Statement/Fact: I wish to snap this meatbags neck.

Great story dude! I cant wait to read more! :pinkiehappy:
As for rather to contine here or make another.....dont know, I suppose either one would work. Maybe another would be better cause then we could get another story image. Xd
Up to you man. 👍

10158345
:rainbowlaugh: I literally was looking for images if I decided to go for a sequel.

Thank you very much for your feedback. I'll have the chapter for the second part out by Friday.

Until then, thanks again for reading. :twilightsmile:

Ok, I've liked this story for the most part but this *really* bothers me. Blueblood admits to ordering the kidnapping and torturing of multiple creatures and Celestia just... does nothing?

“We will be discussing his actions more thoroughly one day.” Her wings fluttered and she let out a breath of resignation. “But not this day.”

WHY!? He's an useless ponce! The very least he deserves is having his titles stripped from him!

I really wish you wouldn't just have written Celestia to be such a doormat. Way too many authors do.

10186090

“So, you would punish me for having the good of Equestria in mind…and reward that creature for the pony blood on her claws?”

Yeah, sorry for making Celestia look like a bit of a door mat here. :twilightoops:

My logic was that Blueblood is making any punishment against him look like Celestia is supporting Shiva's actions against Beast Breaker. If Celestia punished him or stripped him of his titles, Blueblood could spin it as Celestia saying that Shiva was right and that Beast Breaker deserved to be mauled and killed.

It's incorrect, of course, but Celestia can't make herself look like she doesn't care about her subjects. Plus, I meant for Blueblood to have a little more political clout here. After all, he's a Prince; I'm not sure how differently it works in Equestria, but Princes and Princesses are sort of the same rank. I just feel like he should have some kind of political sway over something if he's going to have the title of Prince instead of a more minor title like Lord or something like that.

Is there a better way I can convey this so that Celestia looks less like a door mat and more like her hooves are tied by political red tape? I'd really appreciate any tips on how to improve my stories.

Thanks again for your feedback, and I look forward to your reply. :twilightsmile:

10186140
I will admit that part of my criticism comes from an unreliable source, that being, I've read so many fics that some fanon has starting to bleed over in my mind. And much of said fanon has Blueblood being related to Celestia only distantly, if that, and his title usually being merely ceremonial. Thing is, canon doesn't really give us much to work with regarding him, so we all fill the blanks somewhere.

I think the problem here is twofold: one, we aren't being shown Blueblood has that kind of power or influence, and two, why is the immortal God-Queen who's ruled the country for over 1000 years and whose word is law would be given pause. For the latter, which is also a problem I see many writers share, the problem is, as far as we can tell, Equestria *is* a monarchy, and monarchs through history held usually absolute power. True, Celestia might be loathe to rule with a heavy hoof, but that doesn't mean that authority isn't there should she wish to exercise it. Celestia just letting Blueblood off like that when he's responsible for what we would consider Crimes Against Humanity makes her look weak and impotent. Celestia could have at least imposed some temporary punishment on him, like, say, strongly "advise" him to keep to his quarters/manor until he's called, effectively house arrest. Her not doing anything is pretty much handing him a blank cheque and telling him he can keep on doing the same as long as it's "for the good of Equestria".

I think in both cases it's an issue with framing, and partly timing. If Blueblood has some clout then you need to show it somehow previously. Ditto if the system is not an absolute monarchy, which is what I would default to with the lack of any mention of a Parliament. Also that part might not have been so bad if that conversation had taken place some other time. Putting it at the Epilogue makes for a very unsatisfying conclusion, as opposed to maybe the beginning of the next story.

Oh and one more thing, we know Blueblood is a Prince due to some nebulous relationship to Celestia, but that doesn't mean he's her equal. Celestia is by all purposes a Queen, although Hasbro forced the writers to change that for marketing reasons. Put another way, the only equal Celestia should have is Luna, and later on, Twilight and Cadance. It does seem in Equestria the "Right to rule" is tied to Alicornhood so Blueblood would at least fall one rung below the other Princesses. Like I said before, it's fine if it's different in your AU but you need to at least somehow hint at it before dropping it on our laps.

Sorry, I got kinda ranty here, but I hope my points come across properly. I really like your story, and I get you were trying to make the ponies unintentional villains, but the Epilogue kinda undermines that point, which is why I found it so jarring and infuriating.

10186246
I can see your points, and think you got them across really well.

You are right in that my framing was off. I played this story from Shiva's perspective, and Shiva didn't stick around long enough to see the inner workings of Equestria or how much power Blueblood would have. Plus, I've been struggling with whether to make this and Part Two: Trust Denied be a full single story or two smaller stories, which was probably why the timing was off.

As for Blueblood's exact 'rank,' I was inspired by the Heroes of Olympus: the Mark of Athena. There, even though one character was in charge of a small community similiar to Celestia, someone ranked lower than her had a way with words that allowed him to inspire everyone beneath her to action. She effectively had her power yanked out from under her by the call of the majority, and couldn't resist without risking mutiny. Granted, Celestia has much more power than the character in Heroes of Olympus, but I've always gotten the sense that Celestia hates using her power or ruling with a heavy hoof, like you said.

I did have an earlier draft where nobles that Blueblood convinced or bartered to side with him came to his defense (which I ended up cutting). Do you think maybe if I combine that with your suggestion of Celestia low-key threatening Blueblood and his posse, it might work a little better?

Thank you again for a very descriptive explanation.

10186303

I did have an earlier draft where nobles that Blueblood convinced or bartered to side with him came to his defense (which I ended up cutting). Do you think maybe if I combine that with your suggestion of Celestia low-key threatening Blueblood and his posse, it might work a little better?

This might work, or at least make the point come across more believably. I would at the very least to make it a sort of detente situation, because if they can just yank Celestia around then one would wonder why she's still ruling. OTOH something like her implying a "Nuclear" option she's reluctant to use, but not entirely unwilling, to at least make the nobles back off would show she still has authority.

If you do go ahead with that Idea it might be worth to have Celestia note who those nobles were and keep an eye on them, and that could make for some interesting politics tug-of-war for the sequel.

10186378
Thanks for your feedback.

One other thing:

Putting it at the Epilogue makes for a very unsatisfying conclusion, as opposed to maybe the beginning of the next story.

Do you think the story might be improved if I move this chapter to the prologue of Howlite Howler 2? Like I mentioned before, I had a hard time deciding if this story should be one long story, or be split into two parts, and I was worried that part 1 didn't end in a satisfactory way.

If moving this to the prologue, and maybe even altering it so that Celestia decides to bring Shiva back to prove Blueblood wrong, helps improve the story, I'd be willing to make the necessary revisions.

Again, I really appreciate you calling this to my attention. I want this story to be as good as I can make it, and plot holes like the one you discovered only bring the story down.

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