• Member Since 20th Jun, 2019
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JNKing


Aspiring novelist testing his characters in the MLP verse.

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Inspired by the Friendship is Awesome Thread 'Survival of Your Pony Race' by Silver Dragon Blade Wing, and a character experiment with my OC, Star Wing.

Being the Daughter of Princess Luna is a difficult thing: ponies don't trust you or your mother, and respect can be hard to come by. But Star Wing is determined to beat the odds and become a hero.

When an engimatic magic wolf named Shiva and her equally strange pack become known to the lands of Equestria, Star Wing believes she's finally found her chance for glory. But when a conspiracy threatens to rip apart Star's family, she will discover that not all is as it seems, and that fear is the greatest enemy of all.

Huge thanks to Silver Dragon Blade Wing for coming up with this idea and helping me as a co-writer and editor.

Also, shout out to Twilight Wolf91 for the incredible cover art.

Chapters (22)
Comments ( 74 )

What a good start, I love the fact that you put several different sides to the story. The Canines, who were peaceful and minding their own business, not really conquering. Then we have the Fearful, who are scared of what the Canines are capable of, thinking they're evil because of their culture and how they hunt. Then the last one, the Moonlight, which only consists of Luna and Star Wing, just wanting to be loved by their people and to be accepted into society.

First chapter is a solid nine out of ten.

10945711
Thank you very much. :raritystarry:

Silver Dragon Blade Wing and I look forward to sharing more in the weeks to come. :pinkiehappy:

Looks at Lord Ego and the Cruel Guard.

Well I know who's going at the top of my shitlist.

10952020
Agreed :twilightsmile:, Starswirl ain't doing himself any favors either.

Though tell me, what do you think of Flash Magnus here?

10952349
Flash Magnus is best character material, honestly a great stallion.

10952739
There was a reason he and Star Hunter were best friends. :twilightsmile:

“Luna’s always had a fondness for the darkness,” he admitted. “But her heart has always remained pure.”

Purity culture in a nutshell.

After taking the time think on what it is about the writing that disconnect's I would say. It is largely a lack of any clear description, generally no building's, now sent of wetiness? No stream of sunlight or sense of smell anywhere.

Equally so their is a note of not quiet feeling the moment when Shiva get's the news, now I say this knowing those would say she was grieving or that people do not process grief in the same way.

Yes. That is true rather. I think more could have been done to allow the mood and tone of scene to settle. I like Shiva as a character but, due to the lack of largery imagery in both scenes and largely through it...it takes away rather then gives back to the scene.

To illustrate this even more...where is the hint of focus the fact that her pup's are ravaged? Where is that flicker of anger?

Then...when allow the reader to feel those feeling's under the unbroken rain touched by the ream red and bit's of penis on the ground?

I know this is rather critical review but, I have really had this sense for a while and think as a writer using all the tool's to full effect is important. Now personal gripes aside. I did like it and because I like it I will continue reading. You are good author. I just believe you can express scenes in fuller and more clear picture without sacrificing your sparse writing style.


I just wanted to add that this also touchs on theme. You want Shiva to not be murdering evil doer. (Good). But, the path you took (jumping largely or what feels like right away. Makes that theme come off as more (not trite but, lacking) as if because depth is not given to the scene it steal's the mood, and goal your after...

After all imagine as scene with all that sensory data and feel of that and more and then a strong and brave heart she cries knowing she is doing the right thing. (And it is only one is more evocative of the mood and themes. Neither would adding these detail's if handled well would just add to the story...

Comment posted by BleuBlooms deleted Sep 3rd, 2021

There you have it folks the truth to how Nightmare Moon came to be

Fuck the ponies man, just fuck them. But mostly fuck Lord Ego, sorry for my use of swears but it's the only way that I can express myself without going into detail about how I want to rip and tear Lord Ego and Celestia in two. Overall it's a good chapter, you know it's a good conflict when you side with the heroes. Ten out of ten, would read again/

10963184
They say never get between a mother and her child, and unfortunately for both Celestia and Lord Ego, they just did that.

10963440
Lord Ego certainly deserves it, and now Luna has gone Nightmare Moon. The powder keg has burst. Glad you're enjoying this Chill, both King and I are having fun working together on this and I'm happy you like it. :twilightsmile:

10963023
Hello Bleublooms.

I'm sorry, but your comment is a little confusing to read. Are you saying that we could have given Shiva a bit more emotion? We're very open to critiques and want to know how we can improve it.

Thank you for taking the time to read and let us know how we can do better.

10963626
Ah. Yes and allowing the scene to settle is a euphonism. My short hand for myself. By my meaning their is lack of detail. Full stop, in certain areas of all of the chapter's.

So instead of speaking in loose word's I will go for clear word's to not to confuse.

Where is the senses and description's that make up a city in earlier chapter's?

1. Use of scent's
2. Use of sound and or evocative imagery
1. Which would be use of metaphor or simile to induse character development.
2. Through out reading their is little to distinguish your character star with her mother. She does not want to be hated and...do you see what I am saying?
3. A distinctly missing sense of character from the character's view of the enironment to how they see ponies.
1. Lord ego...ok...perhap's the young star think's of him in her cell more thing tentacles so, when her mother arrives (in the later scene) you do not just getting the bombshell of Celestia in her eyes being cruel and evil (or what ever she is to her?) But, vivid portrayel of a thing that stand's next to her.
2. It could go like thus.
Star was tucked under her mother's wing. Though, the nipe of one darkening wing steamed her sight - she saw all the same.

She was the sun, a vision of white dyed in dull puse, her hooves hung over the lip of the marble throne that seemed to gleam like Skull's the Greedy's stories! Her hooves squeezed tight hoping the tall not-pony-not-kind-not-

She spoke. 'That thing is a monster! You layed with beast's and craven lover's! You soil your self below ypur alicorn blood!"

A heaving breast, a darkened coat that fled any light any...kindness. Only two glowing eyes shone...

The thing on the throne shivered. But, a slash of tentacle in form of a white hoove slamming forward.

4. This is both as you say your Shiva just ring's a touch hollow. You have a powerful moment that with your sparse (read lack of character development vue of environment, or anything touching senses.)

5. One thing that darker stories tend to do is sell the horror and emotion of scene by neutering it you steal the emotion's needed to get the reaction you want.

You want me to connect with Luna, Star, and Shiva, but, you need to build these character's even if we know them. They are not other Luna's and so on...they are your Luna's to create and build up. When you have a assumptation that folk's will just attach themselves to your characters you turn your potential strong character into a weaker character.


Further, (with Shiva) where is the sense of space around her, she know's these wolves she would have more then a passing glance at them. By showing she has minimal reaction to her fellow's, you take away from your theme of forgiveness and nonviolence. Because you do not allow us to really feel what is happening. Allowing us to feel what she is gaining and giving up. Because yes...violence is short term fix to a long term problem. But, show us that them and the power for good and ill it has? What happen's when they are attacked again? Will you brush aside gelding's? Or the fact that so wolves lost their entirely family's for the sake of royal child? It read's especially cold because what you imply here is their clain is full of old and young. Friend's and family's? you see?

Basically one way your assuming we will care and your showing minimally a scene.

The other way...and in my opinion more heartwrenching, raw and simply beautiful. (It is also harder to write because you feel all the emotion's your character's feel) Is getting me and other's to feel as the character's feel...making blues bluer, sighes more heartfelt and the looming shadow of lord ego and the visible terror and that hate he spread's and stains the sun.

Dark and vivid as Luna is perhap's her mother is not nightmare enough before their sun burn's all dream's and nightmares away.

Hopefully this clear's thing's up!

It's official, Flash Magnus is my favorite character. Now for my prediction for the next chapter.

My theory is that Star Wing would go into the Everfree Forest and meet up with Shiva and her pack, Shiva being a dog can somewhat read emotions. Shiva takes Star Wing under her wing, Flash Magnus tracks Star Wing down. He gets attacked by Shiva and her packmates, during the scuffle Star uses her Royal Canterlot Voice to tell them to stop fighting. Causing the Royal Guard to find out where Star Wing and the dogs have been hiding.

But hey that's just a theory.

A FANFIC THEORY!

AND CUT!

No “redemption” you don’t need redemption when your in the right. Burn down Canterlot. I don’t care if take centuries. A city like that deserves to burn.

Frick your guilt. It does nothing. Also I vote Luna says f u and just leaves when she returns.

Hot damn an update *runs around with Pinkie energy* woo-hoo!!

*long sigh* the pain, the regrets, the sorrow, delicious it's absolutely delicious I can't wait for the update I must know where the story is going

This is really good, I don't know what could be next.

10990659
Thanks, it took me a long time to come up with an original joke.

I hope Shiva changes her mind. Because those Ponies still need to get karma on their asses. NO damn apology is gonna save them now. :pinkiecrazy:

Violence is the answer. You just have to wait to give it.

To rescue princess Luna, that’s your justification. Princess Luna has been taken hostage by a foreign hostile power.

Gad dang I am so anxious to read the next update, im here biting at the bit for the next chapter!

“ WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU ?!” he boomed. “Get on your hooves, you LAZY brood! What? Come on, partner; the day ain’t gonna complete itself, you gotta get your tail up!”

Fucking Madlad.

Good chapter, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting, I didn't have it tracked.

Gah, these chapters are too short! I like the idea of offer kindness in one paw but be ready with a cudgel in the other... idea. This situation sorta reminds me of the Native American situation in American History... not sure if that's what you're drawing inspiration from, regardless I look foward to your next chapter!!

*prays for a quick update*

“Right-right,” the leader cleared his throat, looking back at her with green eyes so similar to her own. “I’m Star Chaser; descendant of Star Fighter, brother to Star Hunter.”

I think you accidentally switched up the names.

just caught up.. great story so far cant wait to see where you take it

Damn a full reveal... I can't wait for the emotional breakdown of a mother holding her lost filly... I need the cuddles!!

Please update soon, you magnificent poet of words!!

I'm excited to see what happens next

Damn, I actually cried a bit when I read this chapter

Grievous in the background giving Kodo a thumbs up. Anyway, good chapter can't wait for more.

Perfect, finally things are starting to brighten for Star.

Damn... That's rough buddy, Celestia has done some awful things. So I'm with Star with this one

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