Comments ( 4 )

I know that my writing is very fast-paced and jumps quickly from one point to the next. Its probably my biggest writing flaw.

You can rest assured that it wasn't that fast-paced. Sure, it did have some flaws like capitalization and faulty use of tenses here and there, but it wasn't anything world-ending. A little bit of editing fixes most of that, to be honest. I don't really know if you intend to continue this since this is already on hiatus after you published your little story, but who knows, I might keep an eye on this if you do decide to do more. And hopefully, you'll learn a thing or two about storytelling in the meantime. :twilightsmile:

"My Queen, We didn't expect you to awaken so soon! We've brought you back to the Badlands hive so you could recuperate after our expulsion from Canterlot. Are you okay?" The figure said, in a voice that had an odd reverb effect attached to it. My ears had heard gibberish, but my brain auto-corrected for me.

A bit heavy on the exposition there, are we? That's not exactly a reaction I would expect from someone that sees their ruler awaken from a failed invasion. A little bit of advice from me would be to start with being vague in the beginning and let the characters interacting with each other lead themselves in the right direction, so to speak. You had the right thought in mind, dear, but didn't use the opportunity to have 'New-Chrissy' ask about her situation and getting answers accordingly. Even with the military report route that you went with, the information the drone started off with should have been known by his leader from his point of view.

No... not these changelings... My changelings. The drone looked at me funny for a moment, then straightened himself. "I don't see why not, My Queen." He smiled at me heartwarmingly and went back to helping bury the dead.

It started out slow. A slight tightness in my throat. Misty eyes. A sniffle or two. Weak knees. A growing tightness in my chest. A tear falling. A sob.

Now, this is interesting, indeed. I do like that 'New-Chrissy' already formed a connection with her hive and sees them sort of like her surrogate children. It could have used a bit more build-up or... just been a bit longer, have her thoughts laid bare, and all that emotional stuff that adds to a scene. Sweet and short works for some things, but things like this that have a clear emotional impact on a character deserve a bit more, don't you think? :raritywink:

"My Queen, are you okay? You passed out." He exclaimed. I waved him off. "Thank you for checking on me... I'm... I'm just tired..."

This is a typical example of what not to do in dialogue. Each character gets their own paragraph to talk, don't cram both of them into one, please? :fluttershysad:

A simple fix would be to write it like this:
"My Queen, are you okay? You passed out," he exclaimed.

I waved him off. "Thank you for checking on me... I'm... I'm just tired..."

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I feed. Let alone the moral orientation of doing so." I say. I look around at the pods again, trying to brainstorm some more.

I think you meant moral implications there, didn't you?

So far, you aren't doing too bad. Trust yourself more and I'm sure you will find the motivation to overcome your writer's block. For everything else, practice and perhaps someone that's willing to edit your chapters will go a long way. :twilightsmile:

10883357
Thank you for the feedback.ill I'll do my best to improve.

For the 2nd quote, my only excuse is i find importance in unusual things.

3rd quote: again, I focus on things that dont always make the most sense.

4th: thanks for that. I'll go through and fix a few more things like that once I get off work.

Last quote: 'orientation' may have not been the right word but it was closer than other words that came to mind. A complete re-word of that sentence is prolly necessary to get the proper message across.

Again, thank you for the feedback.

10883773
Thank you for understanding and being willing to improve! I have seen some people be totally indifferent to things like that and to some extend, I understand that sentiment. Why improve if it is only a hobby? If it is passable, why bother? Well, it might not be necessary, but it does help people enjoy something you created more. If that isn't a worthwhile endeavor, what is? :twilightsmile:

So, do you intend to make more chapters? This really does pick my interest. Quite a lot, even. I would hate for this to end up in the forgotten pile. :3

10883841
I really have no guarantees but I'll definitely try to add to it

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