Ruse Spark
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You can rest assured that it wasn't that fast-paced. Sure, it did have some flaws like capitalization and faulty use of tenses here and there, but it wasn't anything world-ending. A little bit of editing fixes most of that, to be honest. I don't really know if you intend to continue this since this is already on hiatus after you published your little story, but who knows, I might keep an eye on this if you do decide to do more. And hopefully, you'll learn a thing or two about storytelling in the meantime.
A bit heavy on the exposition there, are we? That's not exactly a reaction I would expect from someone that sees their ruler awaken from a failed invasion. A little bit of advice from me would be to start with being vague in the beginning and let the characters interacting with each other lead themselves in the right direction, so to speak. You had the right thought in mind, dear, but didn't use the opportunity to have 'New-Chrissy' ask about her situation and getting answers accordingly. Even with the military report route that you went with, the information the drone started off with should have been known by his leader from his point of view.
Now, this is interesting, indeed. I do like that 'New-Chrissy' already formed a connection with her hive and sees them sort of like her surrogate children. It could have used a bit more build-up or... just been a bit longer, have her thoughts laid bare, and all that emotional stuff that adds to a scene. Sweet and short works for some things, but things like this that have a clear emotional impact on a character deserve a bit more, don't you think?
This is a typical example of what not to do in dialogue. Each character gets their own paragraph to talk, don't cram both of them into one, please?
A simple fix would be to write it like this:
"My Queen, are you okay? You passed out," he exclaimed.
I waved him off. "Thank you for checking on me... I'm... I'm just tired..."
I think you meant moral implications there, didn't you?
So far, you aren't doing too bad. Trust yourself more and I'm sure you will find the motivation to overcome your writer's block. For everything else, practice and perhaps someone that's willing to edit your chapters will go a long way.
10883357
Thank you for the feedback.ill I'll do my best to improve.
For the 2nd quote, my only excuse is i find importance in unusual things.
3rd quote: again, I focus on things that dont always make the most sense.
4th: thanks for that. I'll go through and fix a few more things like that once I get off work.
Last quote: 'orientation' may have not been the right word but it was closer than other words that came to mind. A complete re-word of that sentence is prolly necessary to get the proper message across.
Again, thank you for the feedback.
10883773
Thank you for understanding and being willing to improve! I have seen some people be totally indifferent to things like that and to some extend, I understand that sentiment. Why improve if it is only a hobby? If it is passable, why bother? Well, it might not be necessary, but it does help people enjoy something you created more. If that isn't a worthwhile endeavor, what is?
So, do you intend to make more chapters? This really does pick my interest. Quite a lot, even. I would hate for this to end up in the forgotten pile. :3
10883841
I really have no guarantees but I'll definitely try to add to it
Chapter three is not an improvement upon the story as it was. But given the roughly year and a half since the prior chapter and the fact that it's now marked "on hiatus" I'm guessing the original story isn't going to be finished.
Take a look though: you have ten times as many upvotes as downvotes. You have over 1200 story views, roughly ten times as many views as your newer story "S.E.N.T.I.E.N.C.E" which apparently still has no upvotes despite being initially published in August of last year.
If you only have enough time and enthusiasm to work on one story at a time...Anti-arachnophobia is by far your most well-liked story. If you continue this, people will read it.
But random stuff that has nothing to do with the story up this point isn't the way to do it.
remember to change the story to "incomplete" instead of "on hiatus" since you are actually continuing it
God I'm quite surprised I'm greatly enjoying this, I look forward to the next chapter
fuck spiders with napalm and more pls
11180276
i cant guarantee that ill be able to break through my writers block for a while, so i dont feel comfortable taking the story off of Hiatus since i dont know when the next chapter may come.
11180477
11180328
Thank you for the compliments, also that spider deserved it.
11180275
It is understandable that you may not like this chapter, but i believe i may be able to create a tie-in with a later chapter as at least a minor plot point/arc. but i did put the story as an adventure comedy. and it was definitely hinted that new Chrysalis wasn't really the most mentally stable.
Everyone, thank you for reading. I hope in the future i can keep you entertained. chapters for my stories do not come quickly, so i apologize in advance if nothing comes for another year. i cannot really control my writing ability, i can only temporarily wrestle it into submission before i have to release it.
11180737
Doesn't mean I won't look forward to the next update
slow as compared to what? It has been almost 2 years.
It's funny and entertaining but doesn't seem to adhere to any rules specifically the accord section which while hilarious makes mc OP as they can apparently summon things they remember repeatedly, things from earth at that so guns and tanks are all future possibilities.
Her convincing the battle ready princesses to leave in a minute or so feels unrealistic even considering everything going on in the story.
I would have expected that they would have at least followed along to see what was going on not believing mc would just walk away from their encounter.
It also appears her predecessor was a moron. As it's implied in the story and by your comments that the spiders were lying and there isn't any reason given for why they wouldn't just seal and bury all the entrances.
I still don't know what kind of story this is supposed to be as while fast paced there isn't enough written to tell.
11181500
I plan to acknowledge: new Chrysalis remembering bits of their human life, her potential to be OP, the princesses abruptly being convinced to leave after being ready to wreck shit, and the spider will also be talked about later.
the spider actually is/was always trustworthy, and new chrysalis didn't know about the accord made between her old version and the spider. new chrysalis' main concern was how the spider turned on them without any warning, which new chrysalis saw as an unwarranted attack on the hive proper.
at least most of your concerns will be acknowledged in future chapters.
unfortunately i dont know what to tell you about my writing style, i cant figure out how to slow down pacing properly. i kinda hate that i still haven't gotten the hang of it. i've been trying though.
thank you for the feedback. this is meant to mainly be an adventure comedy, just with other bits thrown in for flavor.
11181764
I have in all my years in this site never had me so excited for more chapters but to solve the the problem that you have you might want to talk to another person that can do the story with you and write it down if you don't have anyone then use grammarly also the story is so good
Thanks for the update!
Willight: YOU TOOK MY ACCORD!!!!
You just made a God of Destruction angry.
You just inspired me to do a story that is like this story, but its a 100 years before the invasion in Canterlot.
11276667
I would read it just try not to rush it.
oh hey, it's back, niiice.
11358092
im sorry i took so long to post. most of the chapter was written back around when i released the previous one. i only was driven to write the last 400 or so words to finish it very recently. i made a blog post apologizing and explaining a bit more about my situation
Tone down the memes a bit. Conjuring a vehicle is a bit much. Otherwise I really like the premise and execution so far. Dialog could use a bit of improving but it's still alright.
Great story so far. And good editing.
11358143
i appreciate the compliment. and, addressing your previous comment, part of me wants to make the excuse that its an adventure comedy.
but the real reason why im so memey and stuff is cuz thats how bad my humor is, at least part of the time. the car was part of that humor. i cant truly promise i wont try to tone it down, but i also still know how to, usually. ill try my best though. just kinda typing what feels right, when i get the inspiration
11358145
Adventure comedy is fine, my issue is more when the memes break the physics rules. You've set this up as a pretty grounded story it feels like with a magic system based on intent and a reasonable upper limit (getting winded time locking 2 bodies). So to conjure a car feels like a much harder thing than time locking a body. But maybe I have all this wrong and you are playing more fast and lose with the physics in order to tell a more comedic story.
Tbh, part of me doesn't want to post this for fear that it might put you off writing more. But I'll stick around to see where you task this. The magic system is really secondary to my interest in the politicking and government.
Whatever you do don't rework your already posted chapters. It can kill motivation. Just write new stuff and learn from the past.
11358174
nah, for one, i think the magic stuff is a valid criticism that i hadnt thought of, so now i will in the future, so i appreciate you bringing it up. second, im too lazy/uninspired to rework old chapters. it already took me this long just to write 4 chapters. how long d'you think itll take to rewrite stuff i only barely remember and/or think about now that its passed?
to be clear, i like comments like this, as oftentimes they point out flaws in my unintentionally hole-filled lore/logic
I'm still enjoying this story
Hmm... a new name... do you have one in mind? I would go with one that pays homage to the whole 'Emerge from the Old Chrysalis' thing. Seems fitting, in my opinion. I'm looking forward to what you come up with (hopefully without such a long wait in between again).
11359035
in regards to her name, im trying to find something fitting, and itll definitely follow a theme, but the challenge feels like i dont want to choose a name thats objectively... intense, so to speak
as i was writing last night, i thought i found something alright, but coming back to that name, its... not got the right feel to it
11359100
Perhaps browse through some taxonomy of insects that go through metamorphosis like butterflies or moths, there are some that sound appropriately changeling-y.
Thanks for the update!
I have no idea why this didn’t show that it was updated in my notifications.
Update when? This is an amazing story and I can’t wait to see more!
11452792
i'd love to truthfully say ive got something coming soon, but i cannot. ive had a hard time getting the drive to even attempt overcoming my writing block. this story is actually the closest thing ive done to a fully self-made idea, which i struggle with. im much better at imitating/recreating other things that already exist.
but i definitely appreciate all the support ive gotten for this chaotic little trainwreck i've created.
just for the support you gave me, though... ill try to add a little to the next chapter. its the least i can try to do.
11453227
Nice! Also take as much time as you need I would rather have something amazing like what I’ve read so far than something rushed. Even if you don’t come out with anything it was awesome to read this!
11453239
thank you for commenting in the first place and drawing me back to the story. i needed it to finish the latest chapter.
11453293
Just so you know... im so happy you posted an update... I loved the plot so far and I'm invested in seeing where you go with it.
11453302
i dont even know where im really going with it. im taken by the story as much as you readers are. im just the one who's noting it down so you can read it. its probably a part of why its so difficult to write sometimes.
i have somewhat of an end goal, but its so far out, the road forward is on the other side of a distant mountain
Great chapter once again, take your time if you need and I can't wait to see the new changes 'Chrysalys' will implant.
11453310
If ya want, I can help ya plan out an outline in dms or some other communication line. Trust me, having a roadmap for your story helps.
An update!? Yes!
Yes! Update! And good chapter
This is heartwarming. Can't put it any better than that.
Thanks for the update!
Love this story
YES IT’S BACK! Love this story can’t wait for the next chapter!
11670797
im genuinely trying to repeatedly track down my desire to write after every chapter posted. the next chapter has been in the works for months, but i got stuck on names. thankfully AI has come a long way lol.
considering my current drive at this time, maybe expect another chapter by next month, but dont quote me on that. im inconsistent af and im also trying to avoid tropes i deem too cringy to include. ive already stopped myself from including certain types of paragraphs at least twice now.
This was unexpected.
Glad this story is back. Need more
Its great to see an update. As you said in your description of the story, writers block is a bitch. But it doesn't matter to me, take all the time you need and i'll be happy. As long as the story continues...
Thanks for the update!
The Honda Accord story continues!