Warning: This story and this description both contain spoilers for the Web Novel: Worm. If you don't want to be spoiled, read Worm first, then come back and read this
The apocalypse had come at the hand of a god-like multidimensional alien entity. Taylor Hebert, a parahuman with power over bugs and bug-like things has her powers altered by a former enemy and subsequently uses morally questionable means to make everyone in existence with superpowers fight this evil deity, eventually defeating him.
This however came with a cost. Her mind was deteriorating as her power was subsuming her. Thus another cape decided it would be a mercy to put a pair of bullets in the back of her skull.
Another entity witnessed all of this. This entity, grateful for Taylor's role in stopping this alien god and thus saving countless worlds and thus countless lives, decides to intervene. It brings Taylor to Equestria turning her into a Changeling Queen in the process.
(Warning, Dark, Death, and/or Tragedy may be added to the list of tags in the future, depending on how things go. Furthermore, the Suicide tag is for the references to suicide in the description and in the first chapter. Suicide and/or self harm will NOT be a major theme in this story.)
(This is a crossover with the web novel called Worm by the author Wildbow. I highly recommend reading it if you haven't, it's a really good story!)
Hmm I like this
oh?
another MLP/Worm crossover?
well, here's hoping this one actually finishes, unlike the others
chitin
changelings are insectoids, they have chitin
also, as to how her powers should manifest, i'm thinking something like how [Broadcast] works, i.e. she can influence them, but not directly control them
Changelings are more likely to listen to her, but mostly like she's a convincing politician or smth
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I always pictured the black parts of Chrysalis as fur and the green part on her abdomen as chitin. Sort of like how bees have fur or fuzz.
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interesting interpretation, but i doubt that's what's intended
Sorry, but I feel like introducing entity or shard business into this story would make me want to stop reading.
Although, you could give her some sort of hive ESP. That's something I've read before.
I'ma punch whoever the frick downvoted this story!
I believe you can get me through the night.
Probably best to drop shard nonsense. I mean I get why you would want it (given its a crossover) but weren't those two shots made to cut off her shard and other such stuff?
Well, this is a neglected crossover possibility. Let's see where you take it. As far as her old power set, my impression of her translation into Equestria would seem to include her old link to the Administration Shard was fully severed. That said, it wouldn't surprise me if Taylor's new magic followed old pathways in her mind at first, making her first uses of the new skill mimic her old abilities at a much reduced level. (After all, she doesn't have a continent-sized crystalline supercomputer to handle the massive multitasking needed for fine control of large masses of small lifeforms.) Maybe her Hive members will inherit the same tricks, only needing training in how to use the technique at first. Then, as a bonus, individual members can mentally network to create a gestalt that can distribute the load for controlling larger groups, as long as everyling in the gestalt are willing to work to the same plan.
If you really want to bring Queen Administrator into the picture, remember that the Shard after Gold Morning has its own imprint of Taylor's mind. I could see a desire to rejoin its partner being strong enough to attract the attention of someone like Discord, who'd probably consider it properly chaotic to drag the Shard across as well. Probably set it up in the Crystal Empire, just for the pun. Cue QA's exposure to the Crystal Heart and learning to use the new alternate power source. Shaping it into a huge crystal dragon would probably also be on par for the Chaos Entity, too.
A wild cross post appears. Saw this over on SB earlier in the week. Good to see if here. I should probably make an account on SB so I can comment on peoples stuff, but they take moderation quite seriously over there and I don't feel like tracking yet another new account :-D
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To be honest I don't mind the dislikes. I just wish people would tell me why they disliked it rather than disliking and not giving a reason. I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong at the very least so I can potentially fix it or improve in the future.
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Some people are just bitter, can't predict them and can't ever get a valid reason from them either. Reading fanfics for the last 10 years has taught me that a lot of asshats just get mad for the most ridiculous reasons when it comes to how stories they have no input on are progressing, I can only assume It's a narcissism thing.
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I like this idea for the powers question.
>Power inheritance
It could even go the other way: Queens having a similar but weaker ability that Chryssie never bothered to hone beyond "Hive PA Announcements And Coordination". It just so happens that this queen has much more experience.
Wouldn't 1:1 it, either. Half the fun of the original was the inventiveness.
Not a crossover I see very often. I'm always up for more Taylor, especially in other settings. (Though the Queen of Escalation is going to have a hard time adapting to the much less grimdark world she now finds herself in.)
There are a few things about this that opening chapter that strike me as slightly odd or off, but I'll give it a few more updates to see how things progress.
Also, one thing I do find slightly irksome:
"So here's a massive spoiler for everything about its ending, presented in the story description, most of which could probably just be implied or alluded to instead and serve the same narrative function."
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The long description was to provide context for people who haven't read the original story. Also, even the short description has spoilers. For any description I make spoilers are going to be pretty much inevitable because this is a Post GM fic.
Even mentioning Gold Morning is a pretty serious spoiler in and of itself.
That said, I switched the position of that bit of text to the top of the description and added a warning about the spoilers. Hopefully that prevents most issues.
Regarding the powers, my personal preference would be for Taylor to have some boost to her multitasking and an affinity for insects, but her connection to her passenger is severed. However, the best choice is going to be determined by what kind of story you want to tell and what catches your interest. Author motivation is very important for preventing a fic from dying, and keeping quality up. You'll do a better job writing what you want to write. Think about what you want the overall plot of the story to be like, what your end game is, and some major plot points, and decide what will best serve that vision. You've got a good start, and I, for one, will be eagerly awaiting chapter two.
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I understand, but there's spoilers and then there's spelling everything out. A lot of what's stated still doesn't offer much context to people who are unfamiliar with Worm; specific names and relationships probably aren't going to impact their understanding of this story. Mentioning "Gold Morning" isn't much of a spoiler since it's not called that in-universe until after the event has passed, and even then just using the name doesn't tell them what happened or why
I'm just saying that there's other ways to present the same information. If it were me, I'd have phrased it something like this:
It's effectively all the same information, but without spoiling anything specific. And it still has an intriguing hook.
There she is, Queen of Escalation herself, Taylor Hebert. Now in bug pony form. Excited for more. Also, you should shorten the summary a bit, or at least include a spoiler warning for the ending of worm in the beginning of it
Please make the story description in main page be more vague. It has spoilers for worm without warning.
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I've edited the description in an attempt to be more vague. Hopefully this is better.
I will admit I made a mistake and I apologize for it. I suppose its not a good excuse but as previously stated I simply didn't see a way to avoid spoilers of the actual series while providing context as to what this story is about. And to be fair there is still technically spoilers in this version of the description. But hopefully they aren't quite as bad.
Either you don't bring up shards and entities or you make them part of the conflict in some capacity. Maybe Abaddon is headed to Equestria if that's the case?
Otherwise, just make Taylor uses her new magic like it was her powers without imagining how it could be used for better things than mind control.
Anyway, here's hoping this one finishes!
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This is what I was thinking! Her connection to her Passenger may have been severed, but magic is an integral part of her new species. With a little practice, combined with all the experience she has developed over the years, it should be more than possible for her to start replicating her ability to control insects. Even more so if a Changeling Queen has any natural abilities regarding leading their hive. I mean, she's an insect queen. Being able to have some influence over smaller insects and those in her hive should be a gimme.
Though as OP doesn't want Taylor to completely mind control her drones? Maybe it could be that she can give them mental directions, but as they are sapient and not ACTUALLY mindless insects, they can choose what and how they do things? Also, it should be noted that insect queens, ants and bees mostly, can and DO sometimes adopt (enslave) insects from other hives. So Taylor could realistically take in any Changelings who want to escape Chrysalis.
Hmm, for things I'm interested in regarding the future of the story... Just how Taylor will adapt to now being an emotivore, and if she CAN still eat regular food. Of course seeing how the others react to not only her species, but her general attitude? She's not a happy person, so seeing how she'll integrate into the mostly kid friendly world of Equestria? Gonna be some growing pains. This'll be the first time in years she'll have to just sit and think, to process, so getting her away from her workaholic nature should be interesting. Who knows, maybe Twilight will actually get her to settle down and just read a book for entertainment...
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The description on the featured page still has heavy spoilers
Still more. It shouldn't mention her getting shot in the head, or that zion is the one who ends the world. Just say "after gold morning, taylor..." etc
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The part about her being shot is necessary for the long description to provide context for the story. So it doesn't matter if it's in the short description as it's spoiled in the long description regardless and I'm not changing that part of the long description.
That said, as for the part about Zion, I genuinely just forgot about that part in the short description or I would have already deleted it so thank you for pointing that part out.
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I feel like this is a shot at me.
I still plan on writing the Napoleonic war ship girl worm MLP crossover fic it’s just a mix of writers block and lack of time do to an upcoming move that’s several hours from my current apartment.
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Dont care if its in the long description, but remove it from the short description so that wont be spoiled to people just browsing. If I spotted this when I was in the middle of reading it a while back, I would have been pissed. Get rid of the spoiler, keep it to the long description. No mention of the apocalypse, just call it gold morning, and remove the comment on her getting shot. Keep it so that only those in the know will know.
Okay, buckle up.
You said you wanted to know why the story was getting downvotes? I'll do what I can to explain. Please keep in mind that I belive you are a lovely person, this is purely constructive criticism.
Right off the rip, punctuation. Your sentences go on too long and do not have enough commas. Even if they are technically correct, though I'm not sure they all are, it can get a tad confusing, and very tiring. Confusing in that it creates subject ambiguity, and tiring in that we do not get enough breaks. Vary sentence length and structure for a more natural, smooth reading experience.
Next, repetition. Using the same word more than once back to back to describe something is jarring. Rephrase things if they are going to be restated, unless the repition is for emphasis. But don't do that too often, and work in threes.
Example:
Instead of "Taking the four objects off the ground with her telekinesis, Twilight stuffed them into her grocery bags before levitating the grocery bags over to Spike."
Try "Lifting the four objects off the ground with her telekinesis, Twilight stuffed them into the bags she was carrying. She passed them off to Spike, before gesturing towards the library."
Leads into dialouge...
Just be mindful of word choice, and differentiate your language as much as possible. Make liberal use of Thesaurus.com. I know I do.
And lastly, speaking of dialouge, yours feels... a bit stilted. Just off. This is coming from the previous two points mostly, I think, but your characters feel like they are reciting a script, not talking. At least, near the top of the chapter. I will say, it got better towards the end, the first half was much worse.
All in all, it feels like a first draft. All the information is there, it's just unpolished.
That all being said, I look forward to seeing you improve. You have stacked yourself up against quite a role model; Wildbow is certainly a monolith of an author to match. Worm has become one of my favorite pieces of media of all time, having finished it recently, I am taking a break before starting on it's sequel. Good luck, and happy trails!
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i'm sorry, who are you???
i was talking about Shard of Magic(long dormant) and Ladybird(dripfed updates at best)
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Thank you! I don't take it as an attack or anything of the sort. I genuinely appreciate constructive criticism! Pointing out the flaws in my writing is very helpful because otherwise I can't improve! I'll try my best to work on the things you've pointed out.
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It's a long road, one nearly every writer walks to their grave, but I will stick around and watch your progress. I'm a rather infrequent commenter, even more so these days, but you can trust that I'll be here. Stay sharp!
I never read Worm but this crossover looks quite interesting. I did a little research on Worm and while I may not give it a try, mostly because it's not my type of story, I will patiently wait for your next chapter. Good job!
Oh now this is interesting~
The Queen of Escalation faces a world that is significantly happier than she’s used to
Great introduction! I'm really excited to see what your future plans for this are! we don't get enough well-written displaced female stories on here so I'm really looking forward to this one!
Do note that pepper spray affects animals more severely than humans, but can and will kill small animals almost immediately. Horse-sized things should be fine, though Celestia might not have bothered testing it on ponies after immediately killing a frog or something...or suffering it herself, hah!
Hmm? Oh, already reviewed this on SB... Still, I'll do my part to hype this story. What else can I talk about?
I liked the fact that Cadance, and even Shining, while a bit untrusting still offered Weaver food. It's telling that despite being the ones most affected by Chrysalis, they were willing to help ensure Weaver didn't starve. Heh, even with Celestia's little power play and mistrust she was still willing to help, and didn't even imprison Weaver. So while things might be difficult for a bit, Weaver actually has a chance here.
Also, Twilight is so gonna quiz Weaver over natural meteorology and the ENSO cycle.
Quick question here, what about Zecora? What does she have to say about Weaver moving to the Everfree? That Zebra lives there as well ya know...
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She lives there but she doesn't own the forest. As for what she thinks, she doesn't really know yet. I imagine Twilight will introduce her and Taylor very soon.
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Yes, but she does own her home in the Everfree, and now a new land lady is just moving in and laying a claim? With no warning? Seems a bit rude if you ask this Drake.
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Fair criticism. They haven't worked out the borders yet. Celestia wanted to hold off on that for the moment. So it's not determined whether Taylor will own the land Zecora's house is on or not.
Plus Celestia already specified she wanted to keep the Castle of the Two Sisters. I imagine they'll want a path to the castle too. Zecora's house could easily fall within that border.
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True, but we already know that there's at least a slice of ponies who are fans of extremely spicy condiments, so I doubt her pepper spray would be any more debilitating than the weaponized apple pies we saw used by the Apploosans in their short conflict with the buffalo. I could actually see Pinkie mistaking it for a condiment dispenser.
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To be honest, I'd expect Twilight to suggest consulting with Zecora before Taylor starts actively exploring the Forest anyway. It would have the dual purpose of letting her get acquainted with her potential neighbor as well as gaining valuable data on her potential new territory. (And even if writing Zecora's dialogue means practicing your rhyming instincts, she'd probably be a decent counselor for our displaced protagonist going forward.)
Let’s hope she doesn’t have an encounter with the CMC while they are being bullied by Diamond Tiara. She probably wouldn’t take it well.
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Rhyming is not easy, you say? I write these words to tell you: nay! Rhyming is a simple art. Just speak the words within your heart! Though, I may be biased, I fear. My mind holds things such as this dear. I wrote this comment on the spot, and have to say my skills are hot!
I've always favored the idea that changelings can subsist on any positive emotion, and that love is the tastiest and most nutritional, while trying to eat negative emotion is unhealthy at best and outright poisonous at worst (like with hatred).
Also that they eat physical foods to produce the... resin? they build and cocoon stuff with. Among other things.
I feel it gives the changelings a lot more nuance.
Of course I realize it's not for me to decide, but maybe it'll give you some ideas? /shrug
I wonder how Fluttershy would react to finding out that many of her animal friends are far more vicious and dangerous where Taylor is from? Because with the venom missing that should be a red flag to Taylor that something is very different here.
I would recommend taking the Idol Hooves approach of a mental limitation stopping Taylor from going full chimera, but she's too much of a munchkin so let's just say Discord denies her this right.
...as an aside, her control/trust issues are going to make her finding out Discord exists a very stressful thing...
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In this case it was moreso meant to be a limitation of Changeling shapeshifting than a difference in lethality between worlds. Spiders are still predators here and I would imagine manticores have venom in their tails too. Changelings just have to intentionally shapeshift things like venom and web glands and they have to have enough knowledge about the glands to do so. It was meant to add some level of nuance and skill to Changeling powers. Otherwise I imagine the Canterlot Wedding could have very easily gone quite different.