• Member Since 10th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 5th, 2016

Veridian Phantom


Thunder Dash is my name, and writing is my game. (Sorry no, that's incorrect, it's actually music). But I do enjoy writing on the side.

E

[2nd person staring Octavia and you]

You work in a small music shop in Manehattan when one day a curious black-maned gray mare walks in with a problem, you quickly fix it, but end up with plans by the end of the night. Is that even possible? no way life can be that good...

Read and find out :)

Credits: DjMidli for proofreading, and MASSIVELY making me change my story xD
Derpalicious for proofreading.
CptOfTheFriendship on deviantart for his one-cello picture i modified in gimp.
Shadowswipe for ideas.
Kiwiscarebearkawaii for co-authoring.
Inspiration: Whirring Gears' Room 213

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 68 )

This looks good ima track and see what happens

hmm interesting you got my vote

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It isn't done, hahaha, the "incomplete" tag means it ain't done :)

hmm, hopefully the next chapter warrants it a better response, 14/1 is good, but i'm hoping to hit featured one day...

Pretty good. Decent pacing, but there are a couple things:

You have some run-on sentences in the first half. Also, you flip some verb tenses here and there.

The 'you' character seems to switch from emotion to emotion rather suddenly. I would suggest keeping hints that the shopkeeper is nervous.

"Her eyes stared you down awaiting the answer, like a hungry wolf watching it's prey." I'm not sure what this line has to do with the situation unless she was expecting a response that she would have had an answer for.

Also, try to use some other senses (taste, touch, and smell) to describe the scene. How did the cello case feel when you touched it? Was there a smell when you opened the case to such a fine instrument?

Interesting so far and I look forward to more! :twilightsmile:

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This ladies and gentlemen is what i look for, feedback! tyvm for it.

These will help me write next chapter, and i'm glad you like it :)

proof-readers can't pick every mistake up, so i guess he missed a few.

i know i wrote that "hungry wolf" line to emphasize her glaring at you, as if she was a little annoyed, or VASTLY curious, and technically she may already know the answer you'll just have to find out :)

This looks very promising. Keep writing!

It's great so far. Just one word: MOAR:rainbowkiss:

You had me worried veridian. I didn't think that u could post a story so quickly after the mare to heart... This pleases me. Also, I hope I'm not the only 1 that knows where the 20 seconds of insane courage came from. And having girl problems? That sounds alot like me.

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sounds alot like me, because i have that same problem, i can't start a conversation for crap, but once a girl gets one going, boy i can talk.

first?? BUT AWESOME CHAPTER i have a Amareti Violin but i don't play it much as it now resides at 22,000 dollars and sits in a display case

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the actual name is Andrea Amati, i just change it for ponie's sake xD

1107964 ha yeah but i couldn't really remember her name before this i just called it "My Amareti Family violin"

Nice! :pinkiehappy:I await the next chapter excitedly. :pinkiecrazy:

D'aw, that scene was cute

First? Hmm. Hope I dont get blue shelled.

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you mean first in chapter 3? lol otherwise you ain't first

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there will be more, MORE I SAY!

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without 'em, would you want more? *trollface.jpeg*

I loved this chapter! Didn't expect what happened but was a good read, a little short though

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my minimum cap is 2000 words, unfortunately i don't have the ability to write quickly, i tend to zone out, but just because a chapter is short, doesn't mean it will be a short story. as opposed to maybe 4k words and 8 chapters you may get 2k words and 16. see what i'm sayin'?

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Yeah I see what you're saying, glad it's going to be longer though! :twilightsmile:

2 things. 1. A spider? that's what built up the suspense!?! You're such a troll sometimes

2. Was that you singing? Cuz if so, than dayum

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yes, yes it was

so far i think you're the only one to guess who it was. you may have won the prize. lemme check. xD

and yes, arachnophobia can be quite deadly xD

Comment posted by Gribbit deleted May 27th, 2019
Comment posted by Gribbit deleted May 27th, 2019

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holy hot damn, btw, Veronica knew because the note by the phone which was Octavia's business card. As for how he got the cello, you'll find out in chapter 5 (hint, read my story Octavia Plays her First Instrument(s) it is basically one HUGE giveaway as to chapter 5) Which i'll start writing on tuesday when i have the will and the time.

Comment posted by Gribbit deleted May 27th, 2019

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well thank you kindly, it's interesting to know that you knew who it was that sang (unless you saw the blog or comment) i dont remember if i did one of those explaining who did.

Comment posted by Gribbit deleted May 27th, 2019

Wow one of the better stories on FimFiction (means that it is totally awesome^^)

Geez. I was listening to 'Endless Love' by Lionel Richie. It had avoid feel to it.

Nice uptown girl nod there.

I hope the griffion person was making himself a private meal with the beef, (unless salt beef is some fancy thingie for some other thing), given that ponies are herbavores.

Also i think that it doesn't really take a "strong mind" to "handle" the power of music, more so it takes a person to develop an ear for them....Although i have tuned my violin before and the sound can be quite dizzying. :derpyderp2: BEEWWEEEWEEEEEEEBWEEEBWEEEBWEEE.....

...course, that's just my personal opinion, being a music student learning music as well as Piano and Violin...but in all seriousness this is a nice story. The charther doesn't seem half bad, even if he may not be all that bright. :scootangel:

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the charther? who's that?

BTW it's a different take on music, i know it doesn't require physical exertion or whatever, but think of music in this story like magic. It requires you to be focused like IRL but also to withstand it's power. (a twist on music imo)

This chapter was not as good as the others. It felt rushed and as if it lacked emotions, no special moments or anything.:twilightsheepish:

sorry if chapter 5 felt rushed. it was my first time at doing fim fiction writing and in second person as well. though i was hoping that veridianphantom was going to change or add to it, not post it the way i wrote it with only minor changes. sorry about that. :fluttershysad:

'All I need is twenty seconds of insane courage, and I can do anything.'

words i live by everyday. well that and
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

there will be whenever i get to writing it.

Why is this cancelled??:fluttershbad::raritycry::raritydespair::pinkiesick::fluttershysad::applecry::fluttercry:

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Well for one thing, i don't have time to write anything until the 13th of december, and secondly, I don't have a proofreader.

However, i am going to be finishing this starting next week.

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